Young Writers Society

New life
Chapter 1

A piercing cry echoed about the Silver Ghost. A bearded, scruffy pirate, leaning over the side of the huge ship, cringed as he stared into the deep, bluish purple water. As he watched it dance in the pale moonlight, shimmering and shining magically, he thought about what was happening ,and now that the time had finally come he wasn't so sure that he was ready. Thoughts of what could go wrong swirled around in his head, deepening his fear. What if Eloande died? What if she bled to death? He suddenly thought of what she had said when she had left him to go into the cabin. I will always be a part of you Gaspar, even if I die. He clenched his teeth and was surprised to feel tears start to prickle his eyes. He furiously wiped them away and desperately hoped that none of his crew was looking at him. What would they think of their King, crying? He didn't even want to think of what they would say, or do. Finally, just as he thought that he could take it no longer, the door to the storeroom finally opened.

The nurse he had bought from an uncharted island somewhere in the North, when he learnt of Eloande’s condition, stepped out of the room looking flustered.
“It's over” she sighed. She swayed a little, and smoothed her wrinkled clothes.
“Well, you can go in now!” she gasped as she stumbled into her crude, little room.

Gaspar stared after the nurse as she closed the door to her room. Was it just him or did the night sky suddenly get darker? A cold wind wrapped its self around his neck. He shuddered, suddenly afraid, but then, he checked him self. He was afraid. Him! The mighty Gaspar, king of all pirates that roamed the seven seas! I t would never do for his crew to ever know about this. He wasn't afraid of anything, except mabey this....NO! Stop it Gaspar! You are a pirate, not some silly civilian who trembles at the sight of blood! Blood...Eloande...STOP! He set his face into a snarling scowl that he was famous for. What was he scared of? Some blood? Death? Death......He clenched his teeth together even harder. Eloande was alive, not dead.
As if to prove it, a faint voice drifted from the cabin.
“Gaspar?”
It was Eloande! His face softened for a moment, then grew into a worried frown. She sounded so weakened.
“Gaspar??”
He started to walk towards the cabin. He had to see her. He stopped in front of the closed door, but before fear could enter him again, he swung the door open and walked in.
At first he didn't want to look at her. He wasn't scared anymore but, there was something else.
“Well Gaspar, don’t you want to look at me?”
He couldn't resist her anymore. He turned around and quickly walked up to her before his legs thought otherwise.
“ Oh Eloande” He sighed as he knelt beside the bed she was lying on. She still looked beautiful. Her wonderful purple eyes gazed deeply into his as he gazed at her. Tangled ebony hair spilled all over the pillow she was lying on. She is still so beautiful,
Gaspar thought.
Then he remembered.
“ Wheres the....” He stammered.
Eloande smiled and pulled the sheet back to reveal a little cream bundle.
“Its a girl” She said gently.
Gaspar slowly reached down and picked it up. She was so soft and warm and.....perfect.
As he stared at her, he forgot that he was a pirate, a King. He forgot that he was always supposed to be terrifying and wear a scowl. Now he was a father. He chuckled a little. If only the crew could see him now.
The baby suddenly gave a little murmur and slowly opened its big eyes. Eyes so much like her mothers. Gaspar reached out a hand to touch her. He took her small delicate hand and watched as it grabbed on to his long tough finger. It was an enchanting moment.

Eloande suddenly slowly sat up and spoke.
“ What’s that sound?” She murmured.
Gaspar jolted back into reality.
“ What sound?” He said surprised.
“That” Eloande whispered. “It sounds like arguing”
She thought for a moment.
“ Gaspar, help me up.”
“What?”
“Help me up!”
Gaspar looked worriedly at Eloande, but placed The baby gently on the bed and helped his wife up. Eloande crouched down on the floor painfully and put her ear to the smooth wooden floor. Gaspar looked at her puzzled.
“ Eloande what are you doing?”
“ What room are we below?”
“ The crews cabins....”
Gaspar was at a loss for words.
“ Gaspar,” Eloande slowly said, “ I want you to go down there and see what their talking about”
“ Now?!”
“ Now”

He stared at his beautiful wife in astonishment, go down to the crews cabin? NOW,Of all times. Gaspar was about to refuse but then saw the look in her eyes. This was important. He had no idea why but had learnt to trust his wife a long time ago.
“ Fine, but I'm coming right back..”
“ Ok, go please Gaspar”
Eloande smiled weakly, and Gaspar with a look at his baby daughter, strode out of the room. Eloande watched in silence as her husband walked outside and down into the crews cabins. She silently whispered a prayer to whatever god was out there, to protect her husband and, she looked down at the soft little bundle in her lap, especially her baby.

Hey there! Welcome to YWS; I haven't seen you around. My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today!

A small note: Generally, it's better to post slightly longer bits than you have here. Two paragraphs are pretty hard to give a decent critique of and not just a copy edit.

Ooer. Pirates. I love pirates. *cough*doyourresearch*cough*

Anyway. Onto the critique.

A piercing cry echoed about the Silver Ghost.

Is that the name of the ship? If so, put it into italics.

As her watched it dance

As he*

Thoughts of what could go wrong swirled around in his head, deepening his fear. Finally, just as he thought he was going to scream, the door to the storeroom opened.

This is rushed, but a good start. You should expunge on his fear a bit -- give us more of an insight. Make your reader feel scared as well. Descriptive language and sensory verbs work wonders. Let's add some more detail here, seadh? ^^

“Its over” she sighed.

It's*, and there should be a comma after "over." Also, hit the Enter key after "flustered" to put some spacing between this and the paragraph before. And you can make that following paragraph part of this paragraph. You don't really need to bother with a new paragraph if it's the same person talking.

She gasped

Lowercase S.

Well, like I said, it's kind of difficult to give a good critique of such a small bit. I'd like to see more detail on your part -- let us really crawl around in your character's heads, make us feel what they're feeling. And post more! I can't properly judge your writing with such a little piece.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

Ok! Time for the fixing of errors, and all that other stuff known as critiquing.

A piercing cry echoed about the Silver Ghost.

The names of ships should be italicised....like I do above.

A bearded, scruffy pirate, leaning over the side of the huge ship, cringed as he stared into the deep, bluish-purple water.

Too many commas! x-x; Take out the first comma and the second comma, and change "leaning" to "leaned" and make the third comma "and".

As her watched it dance in the pale moonlight, shimmering and shining magically, he thought about what was happening, and now that the time had finally come, he wasn't so sure that he was ready.

I think there's a typo there, shouldn't "her" be "he"? And once again, too many commas. Take out the third comma, it's not needed.

Thoughts of what could go wrong swirled around in his head, deepening his fear. Finally, just as he thought he was going to scream, the door to the storeroom opened.

Combine these two sentances together otherwise the first one sounds too much like a fragment.

The nurse he had bought from an uncharted island somewhere in the North, when he learnt of Eloande’s condition, stepped out of the room looking flustered.

There's a bit too much info dumping in this sentence. Do we need to know this about the nurse?

“Its over” she sighed.

There needs to be some sort of punctuation after "over".

She gasped, a little annoyed, as she stumbled into her crude, little room.

You don't need to capitalize the "she" if you don't want to.


It's not too much of a hook for a first piece, but I'm interested in seeing what happens next. Keep it up!

Thanx !
I will fix that all as soon as I hve enough patience to.
I really should lenghthen it shouldn't I?
As I said, As soon as my sugar rush wears off @@)