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Capital Punishment 1/1



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Tue Feb 26, 2008 10:12 am
MischiefMaker says...



Sorry it's taken so long for me to post the first half of this, I've been a bit busy and I wanted this to be super good. All suggestions welcome, and remember to read the prologue to get some background on Paige :)

Chapter One; Part One

As the blood pounded in her ears, Paige tried to match the beat with her feet, outrunning the thoughts of her earlier awakening. Her breath billowed around her as she pushed herself harder, her running shoes thundering against the pavement.

An amber glow was slowly teasing the city, making her mood worsen as she tried to avoid the subtly violent colours that clashed with the sky and the ground.

One, two, one, two.

Her feet were the only sound that kept her crashing back to reality. She tried to forget; oh how she tried, but she could still see those big blue eyes, and the end of the silencer. She clenched her fist tightly, enough to draw blood from her palm, as she pushed herself as hard as she could; so she could feel the fire in her lungs.

Why now? She thought, feeling the fire and her temper rising to unbelievable heights, nearly sucking the life from her.

Now at twenty five, it had been a whole two years since it had happened and she thought that she could have forgotten; lead an easy life. No such thing. Nightmares came on and off for a year, but then they died down, just like she did. The violence stopped, and she ran away for the first time in her life, simple as that. But it wasn’t, it never was.

The Gang tracked her down and she had to move around more times than she had hot dinners. They were the focus of her nightmares nowadays. They weren’t the mafia, nothing as high class as that. They were organised thugs. They are organised thugs, she thought with a shudder as she slowed her thumping feet and doubled over, gasping and wheezing for breath. The fire was hungry for release and she was tempted to let loose.

“What am I thinking?” she groaned to herself, swiping the sweat that was now slipping into her eyes with a sting. She lowered herself onto the pavement curb and tried to stop her mind from whirling into oblivion once more.

From the age of sixteen, she had been homeless and alone. Her mother dead and her father an alcoholic, she found it hard to cope and so sought after a life on her own. She struggled on for ten months before bumping into the wrong crowd. Fists flew and a blade was introduced.

She was left in an alley, bruised and broken, with the gentle trickle of blood escaping from her temple. But someone found her; they found her and saved her life, she supposed. Gerald Heracia carried her back to his house, gave her food and a bed to sleep in. Then, he introduced her to his father.
Lucas Heracia was a half German bulk of a man, with greying brown hair and a tendency for always wearing an expensive suit. He was stern and cold, and she soon realised, controlling. She became the centre of the Heracia crime organisation, and the centre of many wandering eyes.

She shuddered with a wheeze and straightened her legs out in front of her, massaging her fingertips into the blazing calf muscles. The running just wasn’t enough anymore. With a stressful groan, she stood and jogged halfheartedly to her apartment.

---

“You’re late,” Phillip remarked, peering round his office door to see Paige settling herself behind her desk. She’d tied her hair up with an elastic band, and tendrils were dancing about her face in a haphazard kind of way. She wore simple black trousers and a blouse, nothing else adorning her image to make her stand out.

“Only by ten minutes,” she replied lightly, switching her computer on and beginning to shift the objects about on her desk.

“Hm, well I don’t pay you to be ten minutes late y’know?” Phillip raised a brow at her and shook his head.

“Well I’ll stay behind for ten minutes then.”

“Whatever. Look, I need those files on Blunkett finished by today and there are some papers here for you to proofread.” His voice wandered off into his office and Paige sighed heavily; she hated proofreading.

She briskly typed in her password on the computer and glanced around the office. It was quiet today, she thought, frowning a little.

“Hey, I need someone to do the teas and coffees for the board meeting upstairs.” Phillip called around the half empty office, only to have people avoid his gaze and sink closer to their computer screens. “Paige, you can do it. Finish those files later.”

Before she had chance to argue, he was gone. She grumbled to herself and stood, walking out of the office and making her way to the elevator. Making teas and coffees was definitely not in the job description.
Last edited by MischiefMaker on Thu Feb 28, 2008 9:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Newton Faulker;
I see you as a mountain, a fountain of God
I see you as a descant soul in the setting sun
You as the sound of desire, of this love
I’m gone
  





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Wed Feb 27, 2008 1:42 am
GryphonFledgling says...



You have a bit of an info-dump there in the beginning when you are recalling her past. Maybe instead of just telling us, you could show us with a flashback. Take us through the beating. Show us how controlling Lucas really is. Take us through her life. Don't just tell us about it.

Other than that, your writing appeared to be good. But I tell you what, your avatar was driving me crazy! Flashing and changing and always that cheesy cakey goodness! Gah! I had a hard time with it...

;)

Great job...

*applause*

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Wed Feb 27, 2008 2:16 am
Teague says...



*dances* Yay more! This is a great story. :D

out running the thoughts of her earlier awakening.

"Outrunning" in this context is one word.

*reads on* Oh, never mind. But you might want to clarify that she was running to clear her mind of her awakening.

With a stressful groan, she stood and jogged half heartedly to her apartment.

"Halfheartedly" is one word.

“You’re late.”

Comma at the end there.

tendrils were dancing about her face in a half hazard kind of way.

Do you mean "haphazard?"

“Only by ten minutes.” She replied lightly,

Comma at the end of the dialogue, and a small "she." ;)

she hated proof reading.

Proofreading = one word.

Hehe. The end of this bit made me giggle. ^_^

I still have no real complaints with this. This was an interesting expositional bit -- I wonder what you have up your sleeve next? I can't wait. ;)

PM me when you post more! :D

-Saint Razorblade
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"2-4-6-8! I like to delegate!" -Meshugenah
"Teague: Stomping on your dreams since 1992." -Sachiko
"So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber
  





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Thu Feb 28, 2008 9:21 pm
MischiefMaker says...



Thank you very much for the reviews so far everyone, I'm glad you've enjoyed reading this part of the story. I'm hoping that it will get very exciting and dramatic, so cross your fingers!

I've edited to certain tips and I'm working on others so while I'm working on that, any other tip to improve would be much appreciated.

Thanks,
Mischief x
Newton Faulker;
I see you as a mountain, a fountain of God
I see you as a descant soul in the setting sun
You as the sound of desire, of this love
I’m gone
  





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Fri Mar 14, 2008 10:51 pm
Rydia says...



This part wasn't as good as your first. The style of writing and description are still excellent but the info dumping was not. I think you're trying to condense too much information into one small section. Either consider Gryphon's suggestion of a detailed flash-back or try to cut a little out. I'm sure you can thread more of her past into it later. For now, just give the reader hints of the trouble, keep them wondering and guessing. Keep the mystery going a little longer so your readers don't lose interest.

A few small points -

Now at twenty five, it had been a whole two years since it had happened and she thought that she could have forgotten; [s]lead[/s] led an easy life.

She’d tied her hair up with an elastic band, and tendrils were dancing about her face in a haphazard kind of way. [Maybe '...haphazard manner.' would fit better?]

Look, I need those files on Blunkett finished by today and there are some papers here for you to proof-read.” His voice wandered off into his office and Paige sighed heavily; she hated proof-reading.

“Hey, I need someone to do the teas and coffees [Have you ever heard anyone actually speak like that? It should be 'tea and coffee' because even when it's plural, people speak in the singular form. '...I need someone to do the tea and coffee...'] for the board meeting upstairs.”

Making [s]teas and coffees[/s] tea and coffee was definitely not in the job description.

_____________________________________
I like the development in the character and your portrayal of her emotions but I think the back story needs work. Other than that, good job.

Heather xx
Writing Gooder

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Fri May 02, 2008 9:36 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



Hey, I thought I had already read this, and there I was, the first reviewer. *dances*

Reading it again lent me a little more insight:

It was quiet today, she thought, frowning a little.


I didn't catch any others, but if there are, put the thoughts into italics, to make it clear that it is her "talking" but not out loud. Also, if she is thinking it as it happens, "was" should be changed to "is" since she is thinking in present tense.

Anyway, nice stuff. It didn't grab me as much as the prologue did, but I'd still like to see what follows. Keep in mind what I said earlier and what everyone else has been saying about infodumping. It is something to avoid like the plague...

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Wed May 07, 2008 11:53 pm
helpless42 says...



really good, I got a little confused at the begging bu tI get it now. I cant wait to read more!
  








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