Young Writers Society

Here's chapter one of my story. It's about a veteran of the first world war named Gabriel Harper. After experiencing the horrors of spending four years in trench warfare, he's desperately searching for the one place untouched by man's violence. The Garden of Eden.

Chapter 1: Jerusalem, 1920

Gabriel Harper sat in the back of the boat as they drifted leisurely down the underground river. It was about forty feet wide and far too long to record. The water was so clear that you could see straight to the bottom, where little fish swam and watched the boat curiously. He had little interest in all this, though. If he were on vacation he’d be studying them carefully and writing about them in his journal for future revising, but now was not the time for that. This was the moment he’d been awaiting for the last six years.

There were lanterns hung up along the boat, a total of twelve in all. They hadn’t been used in years and were rather dusty, so a portion of their light was trapped. Even so, they were bright enough to light up the words written within the tan, leather bound bible he was reading from.

The boat hit a wave, causing the nearest lantern’s light to cross over his face. Gabriel was twenty seven years old with signs of aging already showing. His hair was light brown, cut short, and his bangs split on the left side.

Ahead of him the crew was paddling silently. They were Israeli workers he’d hired in Jerusalem, all of which dressed in old, tattered robes. Despite being inexperienced, they were a competent group that followed orders and reacted quickly. Towards the middle of the boat their leader, Higai, was resting his head on his hands and staring off down the river. He was a greedy man that took most of his men’s pay despite the fact that he did barely any of the work. He was quite fat as well and had a long, hooked nose, and, unlike the other workers, was dressed in fine robes. On his head there was no hair to be seen but on his chin there was a long, black beard that stretched down to his chest. Around his neck he had a sterling silver amulet with a ruby center that he held constantly as if it could protect him.

Gabriel dipped his left hand into the cool river, letting the water run between his fingers. He grinned and closed his bible, knowing he wouldn’t need it for now. He’d found what he was looking for; the Gihon river. It was one of the four rivers that supposedly ran through the garden of Eden, and he'd found it by following the Gihon spring in Israel to its underground source.

“Mr. Harper,” came a man’s voice. He spoke in Hebrew with a bored tone. Gabriel looked up and saw that Higai was standing in front of him, holding his amulet as usual. He’d pushed his way through the workers, almost knocking a few off by the looks of it. The men had grumbled without complaints and returned to their original positions, not wanting to anger their employer.

“Is something wrong, Higai?” Gabriel bent forward and gave him a smile. “Or did you just want to talk?”

“Hardly,” He stated mid yawn. “We’ve been following this river for over three hours, and I still haven’t seen any garden. Are you sure it's even there? It all just seams too complicated, going underground and all.”

Gabriel laughed at his remark. “God banished us from the garden. Do you really think he’d make it so we could just waltz right back in?”

“Then what else has God put in our path to hinder us?” Higai asked. He rose his amulet a bit higher and squeezed it tightly. “This is not worth risking my… I mean, our lives.”

So that’s it, Gabriel thought to himself. He’s just looking out for number one. Gabriel look at the faces of the workers and saw no intent of turning back upon them. Even so, if Higai started something there’d be trouble.

“How about we take a vote, then?” Gabriel suggested. By now everyone was looking at the two of them, waiting for their decision. They seamed intrigued by his suggestion, and Gabriel assumed they’d vote in his favor since Higai was hated among them.

Higai frowned, knowing he couldn’t win. He grew a little red in the face, whether from anger or embarrassment Gabriel didn’t know. He looked around for anyone on his side, but he didn’t find any.

He sighed in defeat. “Very well, we’ll continue. But I don’t want anyone, and I mean anyone, touching anything until I get what’s rightfully mine.” He looked from man to man and ended with Gabriel. “Agreed?”

Gabriel stuck out his hand. “Of course.” Higai stared at it for a moment before gripping it firmly and giving it a shake. “I’ll let you pick it from the tree yourself.”

Higai kept glaring at Gabriel all the way back to his seat. He may have confirmed his prize, but he still hadn’t gotten what he’d wanted. As soon as he was seated he looked down at his amulet and began rubbing its ruby with his thumb.

Gabriel pulled out his bible. He started looking through Genesis, trying to find the right chapter and verse. Higai’s payment for his workers, his time, and his boat were the same as almost every other greedy man he’d come to work with during his search. The man wanted immortality. He wanted the fruit.

“Ah,” Gabriel said as he found his place, which started right after Adam and Eve had eaten from the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

And the Lord God said, “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.” So the Lord God banished him from the garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken.

What punishment would Higai receive if he ate the fruit of the tree of life? What punishment would Gabriel receive for helping him? He didn’t know, and, for the most part, didn’t want to. He continued.

After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life.

That would be a problem. How would he get past those enemies? It probably wasn’t appropriate to start thinking about this now when he was almost in the garden. He’d always considered that the cherubim and the sword may not even be there, that the bible had been wrong about this one little thing. But now he really wondered, what if they were there? He closed his bible again and put it into his pouch.

The river opened up a little and grew more interesting in rock formations. There were shelves, pillars, and stretches of stone that ran over the river. The ceiling was jagged with random indentations, gaps, and many stalactites stretched towards the waters. Everything was speckled with shapes of black that, to Gabriel’s surprise, were shifting. As he tried to determine what they were, one of the men shone a light at them.

Black, furry creatures with wings were hanging upside down from the ceiling. Their wings were wrapped around their bodies, their heads tucked into their chests. They shifted slightly as the dull light shone upon them, but it wasn’t bright enough to scare them.

One of the the creatures fell down and flew over the boat. They all watched in surprise as it flapped around the crew, studying the men as if interested. It did this four times before deciding to fly off down the river, maybe in hopes of finding food.

Bats, Gabriel thought. He smiled, knowing this was a good sign. Bats wouldn’t sleep too far away from the cave’s exit. It couldn’t be the one they’d come from since it was so far back, but up ahead…

They continued to follow the river for another half hour. Higai was getting more and more impatient, his fingers rubbing his amulet rapidly. Gabriel knew he’d burst if they didn’t find the garden soon, and he hoped, that time was close.

(I'll add the wrest in ten minutes or so.)

Here's the second half.

They continued to follow the river for another half hour. Higai was getting more and more impatient, his fingers rubbing the amulet rapidly. Gabriel knew he’d burst if they didn’t find the garden soon, and he hoped that time was close.

“Sir, look ahead,” a man said suddenly in Hebrew. Gabriel, who didn’t recognize the voice, tried to find its owner. He noticed an old man sitting in front of him, rowing with a strong hand. He was at least sixty and darkly tanned from a lifetime of work in the sun, he had soft, blue eyes, and he was pointing with a long finger down the wide river ahead of them. “Sir, you may want to look. It’s hard to see, but you can hear it.”

Gabriel nodded and looked down the river. Nothing surprising met his gaze. He saw the expanse of water that disappeared into the darkness, he saw the wet, dark walls of the underground river, the faint ripples they made with their paddles, and then… He squinted his eyes and froze in his spot. By now the whole crew had seen what was happening and was trying to figure out what he and the old man were looking at. Like he’d said, it was almost impossible to see, but yes, he could hear it. The sound had come so gradually that it had been left unnoticed. It was the sound of rushing water. As it came into view, he immediately recognized it as rapids, crashing against the walls and frothing violently with large waves.

The crew stopped rowing and began crying out frantically. Higai, who had been fiddling with his amulet up until then, stood up and said, “What’s the matter with all of you? Keep paddling! I want this to be…”

“Look out!” Gabriel yelled. A large wave hit the boat with crushing force, sending Higai flying over the edge. He reached for the something to hold onto, but he wasn’t strong enough to get a good grip. Some of the men tried to grab him but he was too heavy, bringing those who helped down with him. Gabriel watched in dismay as they disappeared, their cries for help drowned out by the rapids.

Another wave rammed the boat into a rocky wall, throwing Gabriel against it. He yelled in pain as the sharp rocks cut through his clothing and into his flesh. His body fell limply and landed on the edge of the boat, the wind getting knocked out of him. He felt himself slipping into the unforgiving turmoil of the rapids as the others had, asking himself if this was the end. Just as he was about to disappear into the waves, someone grabbed him by the robes and gave him a strong yank. He flew out of the water and landed back in his seat, soaked in water. “Hold on tight, sir!” the old man yelled as he let go of him.

Gabriel barely had enough time to follow the his advice, for up ahead there was a steep drop with water foaming at the bottom. The crew yelled out in fear as they flew off the top of the drop and dove strait down . The water hit Gabriel hard and rushed past him with force nearly powerful enough to knock him away. One of the men at the front of the boat hadn’t been strong enough to withstand the initial impact. He flew towards the back of the boat and collided with the man not three seats away from Gabriel. The two hurtled inches over Gabriel’s head and one of them hit him hard in the mouth with a foot. He felt blood seep from his lip and conform with the bubbling water around him.

The boat resurfaced and bobbed up and down. Gabriel whipped the water from his eyes and gasped for air. Waves hit him continuously as they hurtled down the river. He tried to see but he only caught quick glimpses of the anarchy. He saw the old man still on the boat but he was shaking with fatigue. There were two other men in front of him that were barely holding on, but they seamed too weak to continue much longer.

They crashed into another wall. Their boat creaked loudly as the wood splintered. Gabriel began to panic and tried to keep it from splitting by pulling the edges together, but it didn’t make much difference. Water was visible through the crack and was aiding to the filling of the boat. They were sinking gradually now, and despite what they did it wouldn’t stop.

A large wave caught beneath them and carried them higher. The ceiling’s stalactites grew ominously close, getting near enough for Gabriel to touch if standing. One of the longer ones came down and hit the man in the front so quickly that he didn’t have time to make a sound. He fell off the boat and splashed into the water below, not resurfacing even once. When they finally began to lower back to the river they saw a monstrous stalactite sticking down right in the middle of the river, and they were on a collision course.

“Turn the boat away!” Gabriel yelled, hoping he was heard over the roaring waves. The old man heard since he was right by him, but the other was oblivious. They’d have to do it without him.

Gabriel grabbed one of the paddles and, with the old man following his actions, dug it into the water. With the dual force of their paddles the boat began to rotate slightly as if hesitating. It wasn’t happening fast enough so he dug in as deep as he could.

The paddle snapped in Gabriel’s hands. He looked up and saw the old man struggling with his paddle but it wasn’t enough. The stalactite was closing in and the only difference they’d made was turning the boat horizontally. Now they were going to hit it broad side with no hope of missing it. He looked down at the river, which would be their last hope. They could jump into it before the collision, but the idea of the waves rolling him around, slamming him into the walls, didn’t make him very optimistic.

The moment he’d lost hope he began to feel the wave recede. He looked over the edge and sure enough, they were getting lower and lower. Seeing a possibility, he quickly made an estimate on how long it would take to get lower than the stalactite. He determined that there was a chance they’d make it. A slim chance, but a chance none the less.

They were now just a few yards away, but he still wasn’t sure they‘d make it. They all ducked into the boat and hoped for the best. The old man was holding a small, silver crucifix with a neck chain at the top and was praying to it softly. Gabriel was holding his pouch which held his bible. The last crew member held onto the ship as hard as he could.

The bottom of the boat collided with a submerged rock. They were thrown into the air right in front of the stalactite. Gabriel tried to yell but no sound came out. There was no escaping it.

The boat hit the stalactite and cracked so loudly it could be heard clearly over the river. It snapped in half and sent the three men soaring forward. Splinters hit them in their backs and the two halves of the boat landed at their heels.

The freezing river rushed up to greet Gabriel. He tried to suck in air, but all he did was fill himself up with water. He gagged and struggled to the surface but was too disoriented to find out which way it was. After a while he picked a direction and hoped he was right.

He breached through the water and tried to breath, but waves crashed over him almost immediately. He fought his way back up for more air and toiled over staying above the waves.

Something heavy and hard hit him in the head. He grabbed at it instinctively before falling back under. To his surprise it didn’t sink and even held him. Knowing this might be his last chance at survival, he pulled himself on top of it and found out what it was.

He was surprised to find that he’d gotten a hold of an upturned half of the boat. He could see the mess of splinters that had been the boat’s center, and the crack that ran down the middle. It wouldn’t last if it were rammed up against the walls again, but for now it was practically a gift from God.

Gabriel saw the old man holding onto the other half of the boat not too far away. He was barely staying on top of it but, then again, Gabriel wasn’t doing much better. If the two of them could just hold on a bit longer they might be able to make it out alive.

The river had its way with Gabriel, throwing him side to side and drowning him with water. He almost never got a chance to breath and he was constantly blinded by the splashing water. He thought it would never end.

The water suddenly stopped spraying Gabriel in the face and began to calm down. He opened his eyes and looked around. Hope resurfaced as he noticed that the rapids were far behind them. The river still ran very fast but it didn’t seem like a problem.

“We made it!” Gabriel yelled to the old man who was barely holding onto his half of the boat. He was panting heavily and shaking, his old body unable to withstand the cold.

“W-were not out yet,” he stuttered back as loudly as he could muster. Gabriel knew he was right, but after surviving that, what else couldn’t they live through? His answer, unfortunately, came almost immediately afterwards.

A roar louder than the river’s became more and more apparent. The two men looked at each other with fear. “I-I told you.”

Gabriel looked forward and saw that the river went on for another hundred feet or so before it disappeared into a blinding light. It shown in and illuminated the inside of the passage. What is that thing, he asked himself.

The light grew brighter and the roar grew louder as they hurtled down the river, picking up speed to terrifying levels. Gabriel turned his half boat around and tried to swim the other way. It had proven, as he’d thought, to be futile. The current was far too strong. The old man seamed to have accepted this by now and was waiting for his fate. Gabriel couldn’t bring himself to do so, but it was too late anyway. By now it was clear to him that they were flying towards a waterfall, and from what he’d heard and seen, they’re not something they could easily survive.

The light engulfed everything and he got a feeling of weightlessness. He couldn’t see anything, but he felt wind blowing up from beneath him and water sprinkling him from above. He didn’t know what was happening, but he knew it was the end.

His closed his eyes and gave into the sensation. He felt like he was flying. It was such a tranquil feeling that he swore he had a heart attack when he hit the pool of water at the bottom of the waterfall. He quickly collided with the bottom and was impaled by sharp rocks. He gasped and almost choked on the water.

Knowing he had to get out, he tried moving. The pain wasn’t as bad as he’d thought, and he didn’t think anything was broken. Am I really going to be able to walk away from this, he asked himself. He placed his feet on the ground and pushed off. His back hurt ferociously, but he had no choice but to keep going. When he reached the surface he sucked in air too fast, which caused his chest to cry out in pain. He’d been hit too hard too many times during that trip to breath regularly. He started breathing slowly as he swam to where he could stand.

Gabriel looked up, expecting tall, magnificent trees, all of which bearing the purest fruit you could ever eat. He expected vibrant birds and rare animals watching him curiously as he erupted from the waters. And yes, he even expected a cherub and a flaming sword flying at him with murderous intent. What he saw, however, was completely different. He found himself standing in the middle of a canyon, its dust polluting the clear waters of the pool the waterfall emptied into. The only vegetation in sight was a bunch of dried out bushes without a leaf to spare. There were only two animals in sight. One was dead, and the other was a vulture picking its bones clean. This was no Eden.

He swore loudly. He hadn’t found the garden. He hit the water with his hand and swore again. He’d led ten men on an expedition that had killed them all, and there was no garden. He pulled out his gun and tried to shoot the water to vent his anger, but no bullets came. He flipped open the chamber and turned it upside down. A mixture of gunpowder, water, and bullets fell out of it. He swore for a third time and put the gun back in its holster beneath his robes.

“Hello, sir.”

Gabriel whirled around and saw the old man floating on a plank, the only piece of the boat in sight. His breathing was ragged and his eyes were almost closed, but despite this, he was smiling.

Gabriel waded over to him, hope flooding into him. Maybe, he thought, one less man will die.

“I told you we’d make it,” Gabriel said as he reached the old man, placing two fingers on the upper part of his throat. His pulse was weak and he could feel it slowing even more.

“We?” The old man laughed. “I’m afraid it’s only going to be you.” His pulse dropped suddenly to almost nothing at all. Gabriel didn’t bother him with pointless arguments of him surviving. He was going to die, and both of them knew it.

“Before anything like that happens I have to thank you for pulling me back onto the boat. After what happened with Higai I didn’t think anyone would risk it.”

He had himself a raspy laugh. “Well, I hate to say it, but if you had been as fat as Higai I wouldn’t have even bothered.” Gabriel laughed with him for a good while before the old man broke into a fit of coughing. When he pulled his hand away from his mouth it was covered in blood.

“Come to think of it, I don’t even know your name.” Gabriel removed his hand from the old man’s neck. He didn’t want to feel it’s slowing pace anymore.

“Its Gershom.”

“Thanks again, Gershom.” There was a long pause. Gabriel thought he’d died, so he began to swim away.

“Sir?” Gershom opened an eye and looked at Gabriel.

“Yes?”

Gershom grabbed his hand and put something cold and hard into it. “Don’t try to find the garden again. It can only end like this.” His eyes suddenly bulged and his body convulsed. He coughed once or twice more before his body slumped. His eyes were open but they stared off into the distance and his chest was no longer moving up and down. Gabriel was about to check his pulse again, but he decided not to. It would be pointless.

He looked down at what Gershom had put into his hand. It was the silver crucifix he’d been wearing. Gabriel smiled and slipped its chain over his head.

He walked the wrest of the way to the shore and ignored the pains in his body, for if he acknowledged them it would only be a burden. He found his pouch on the shore and picked it up as he past by.

He turned back and looked to where Gershom had been. By now he’d slid off the piece of wood and couldn’t be seen. He pulled out his wet bible and said a few prayers.

When he was done he put it away and said “Sorry Gershom, I’ve got to keep looking.” With that, he turned around and walked away.

Ok, Im gonna crit this as I read it, so If I say something stupid which then gets answered later, I do apologise

too long too

- too long to

could see strait to the

- could see straight to the..

little fish swam around and through submerged obstacles.

-this does make sense, but it took me a few times to read it before it did, its worded a little awkwardly.

awaiting for the last two years, and dreaming of for the last six.

-surely if he had been dreaming about it for six yeras he had also been waiting for it for six years...?

The boat hit wave, causing

the boat hit a wave

He was wrapped in the white robes he’d bought days before, and he had a pouch strung from his back. His hair was light brown, cut short, and his bangs split on his left side. He had a strong, healthy body, which was the product of his travels. There were scars on many parts of his body from the great war, but they were mostly small and insignificant.

-This is a bit of an info dump, you are telling us too much in too short a space of time, maybe give us details as you go rather than all at once?

-Also some more spelling mistakes in this para but I will leave them for you to sort out.

-Again with the next para there is a major info dump, although this one seemed to work better, but still it would be easier for the reader if it wasn't all togther like that.

“Hardly,” He stated bluntly. His eyes were barely open and was seemingly on the verge of yawning. “We’ve been following this river for over three hours, and I still haven’t seen any garden. You know, I don’t like my time being wasted, and I do believe you and this expedition are doing just that.”

-Higai may be like the leader, but I doubt he would say that to someone that he was being payed by.


There are a few more spelling mistakes through the rest, but my dinner is ready so I'm off to eat that then I shall read the second part

(It's good so far)

Meevs
x

I liked this. Your descriptions were nice and you have what appears to be the start of a great story here.

A crit: "Bible" should be capitalized.

Other than that, I liked this. I'm just a little confused as to why they had to take the underground river. Isn't the valley open air? Why couldn't they just take a plane? It just didn't quite ring true.

Two things I just noticed in the very few last paragraphs of the second part:
"It was the silver, crucifix..." Delete that comma.
"He walked the wrest of the way..." "wrest" = "rest"

Other than that, nice job. A very interesting start...

*applause*

~GryphonFledgling

Thanks for the reviews. I took what you said and I think fixed it all. I did my best to get rid of the info dumps, and I changed the grammatical errors (or most of them anyway). Thanks again.