Young Writers Society

[here is my storyI am starting please tell me what I should do]

The Wings of the Gryphon
Prologue
During the time of the Grypholian Empire, Corsica had been picked by the Grypholian army to be taken over. So the darkness of the army took over Corsica. There is a prohecy that the legendary Gryphon has chosen a new body as the last Gryphon has died. This legend might become true as the wise people of Corsica have predicted the Gryphon to stop the war that has begun.So the darkness of the Grypholian Empire entered Corsica, possessing normal men with demons, and spreading evil. The power of the Gryphon comes from the soul creating a legendary stone that can summon the power of this mighty beast.

First, don't introduce any of the characters involved. That is the job of Chapter One.

You should focus exclusively on the war, how it started, and where the character is in relation to all this (without mentioning the character).

That night well Shard was sleeping his soul turned into the Gryphon stone of wind.

So his brain turned into a rock? Not good. Also, you'll need some reason why it occurred. Things don't simultaneously occur. If he is a member of some prophecy, let us know.

This stone teleported him to the city of Sosha at the border of the Grypholian empire and Soshan.

It makes the entire bit about Corsica completely irrelevent. Also, stones need some activation source. You are using magic as an excuse instead of as an explanation.

In conclusion: Don't focus on the main characters; leave it for Chapter One. Don't have these magic things occur with out a set reason, or action-reaction pair. If possible, send that to Chapter One. Focus exclusively on the forces of evil, the fight against it, and the things that have happened so far.

Never use the prologue to introduce characters, it tells me you were unable to do it properly in the first Chapter.

I hope I did it better than before.

The second draft has removed many of the kinks of the first one. Characters have been removed, along with their personal traits (presumably shifted to Chapter One).

Some minor changes:

During the time of the Grypholian Empire Corsica had been picked by the Grypholian army to be taken over.

Insert a comma between Empire and Corsica.

So the darkness of the army took over Corsica.

Let's expand on this. During the end, you talk about the powers of the bad guys in very technical terms. I suggest you insert this information into the updated paragraph.

It would be something like.

"So the darkness of the Grypholian Empire entered Corsica, possessing normal men with demons, and spreading evil."

This would integrate the ideas very nicely.

There is a prohecy that the legendary Gryphon has chosen a new body as the last Gryphon has died. This legend might become true as the wise people of Corsica have predicted the Gryphon to stop the war that has begun.

The way it was introduced was kind of like "By the way..." This is important, so you should give it a paragraph.

"There is a a prophecy that the (instead of legendary, might want to say "The Gryphon of Corsica") has chosen a new body when the last gryphon died. The legend said that he would stop the war that has engulfed Corsica."

Think of the prologue as that piece in a book which is known as the "Once Upon a Time..." part. You can be very broad and generalizing. Don't be too technical by describing the powers of the people. Be very broad and vague enough that no one really understands the power, but that they know its effects.

So instead of saying how the power of the Gryphon comes, you could say "The power of the gryphon reincarnate would destroy the forces of evil and banish them from Corsica forever."

This is all depending on what you are planning for your story but the same principal applies.

Getting closer...