Young Writers Society

Here's chapter two of The Magic of Chocolate. of course, comments and edits are welcome...

Okay, I have now taken some (but not all, yet, I'll get to them all sometime) of the edits and edited this chapter. So I'll now post the newer and hopefully better chapter two.

Two <^> The Drop of a Pen

The most important city in the United States of America was named Conscilia, in Texas. It was on the west side of the aforementioned city that a tall, one-room, soundproof tower sat in the shade of two huge trees. The tower was called Gray-side, for reasons known only to the man who built it. It had raised tunnels on two sides so that you couldn’t go from one side of the tower to the other side without taking at least an hour-long drive. And at the heart of each tunnel was a door. At the date spoken of, each door opened, one right after the other, and two men entered from opposite sides.

The first man was young, and he wore a black suit. The second was older, and had more casual clothes on. They looked opposite in every way, the first with short dark hair and blue eyes, the latter with long gray hair, and brown eyes.

However, different though they looked, they walked identically. Their arms hung at their sides, and they stood with their heads in the air, never losing eye contact. They made sure that they weren’t walking too casually, which would put them off guard, but they didn’t walk too stiffly so that the other couldn’t tell that they weren’t comfortable.

When they reached each other, they each held out a hand—their left—and shook. They gripped for only a few seconds, because neither liked the feel of the others hand. They gave it the exact amount of time, so that they didn’t have to grasp for long, but neither thought the other didn’t trust him. Everything was done perfectly.

After they let go, there was a moment of silence. It was—to use a much overused saying—so quiet that you could have heard a pin drop, which is almost what happened.

Finally the older man spoke. “Do you have the money?” he asked.

The younger nodded, and pulled another stack of bills—this one much greater than the last, which he had used to buy the chocolate—from his pocket. He held it in his hand, but didn’t hand it over yet.

The older man also nodded and pulled out a small box from his pocket. He cracked it open so that the younger could see what was inside.

Finally, the younger gave one more nod, and he traded the money for the box. As soon as he had the box, the younger turned to walk away. But the elder stayed still and pulled a pen out of a jeans pocket. He dropped it.

The younger watched it fall, and just before it hit the ground, both he and the older man jumped.

As the pen hit the ground, pulsing blue waves flew through the air a centimeter above the ground. The older man had jumped so he would land on top of the pen, where he wouldn’t get hit. But the younger jumped higher… he jumped all the way up to the top of the tower, hundreds of feet above him, and as he started to fall….

He watched the waves hit the walls of the tower. As they hit, they exploded. A ring of fire surrounded the inside of the tower. But luckily, the tower was not burned. Slowly, as the younger man fell, the flames subsided. He could see the older man glaring at him angrily, but the younger made sure he landed as far away from the elder as he could.

He landed on the ground, muttered “goodbye” to the other man, and stepped out his door. He locked it behind him and drove his vehicle away, back through the other side of the tunnel.

As he drove, the younger man felt inside his pocket. Earlier that day, it had been filled with money. Now it just had a small box. The contents were worth it… but he wished that he had never had to get a hold of them. He wished this hadn’t happened. And he wished that the older man hadn’t tried to kill him, so he wouldn’t have had to buy the chocolate. But he had to admit… it did taste good.



Thanks again for reading!

The most important city in the United States of America (at the time spoken of here) was named Conscilia, in Texas. Brackets? No. It makes you look like you couldn't be bothered to find a way of integrating the information into thr story and actually interupts the flow of the plot. It was on the west side of the aforementioned city that a tall, one-room soundproof tower sat. The tower was called Gray-side, for reasons known only to the man who built it. It had two raised tunnels on both sides, so that you couldn’t go from one side of the tower to the other side without taking at least an hour-long drive.

You use another bracket later on to tell us the young man is the one we met in part one. Don't so this. Show us, somehow. =P Good luck.

Otherwise, good! But be careful, you make the reader ask alot of question by not telling them things...normally that would be okay for such a small amount of text, but here you've done it on both 'chapters' and people might feel frustrated that they still have no answers to things they wanted to know early on. Perhaps chapter three will be more revealing?

i know, about the parentheses...i just couldn't think of any other way, so i will probably edit that. this was all written in a short period of time, so nothing's been edited yet.

the first few chapters are quite unrevealing, in fact, you don't hear anyone's name till chapter four. but chapter four tells quite a bit, and it will reveal itself. just remember that this is only a few pages into the book.

Well then I'll just have to keep readng because I really do want to know what chocolat has to do with all of this.

(and if he has super powers, why not just rob a bank?)

ah, that's the thing...he doesn't HAVE superpowers (i'll just tell you this now, since it isn't a secret), it's the chocolate that gave it to him...for a limited amount of time...lol.

anyways, the chocolate gives him that power, which is how he was able to jump that high.

also, i'm not POSITIVE that the title's going to be The Magic of Chocolate, but i do have a plotline (which i like) that will make it a good title. but for now it may just be temporary.

(well Yeah, but be could have robbbed the bank while he had his temporary powers. =P)

=P The title was the orginal reason I kept skipping past your story, and then the final reason I ended up reading it. I don't actually like chocolat so it sounded like something I wouldn't like. But it actually looks good, so I'll keep reading (I've actually read the third chapter, just haven't gotten around to commenting =P)

^_^

well...thanks for reading....

Lol, ya'll do know you can discuss through PM, right? It'll be much better, since this isn't a discussion thread.

Anyway, let's see what happens next. ^^

The most important city in the United States of America (at the time spoken of here) was named Conscilia, in Texas.

I see you question parentheses. Some authors actually use parentheses. However, I don't think I quite understand how the info in the parentheses is any important to the story. Of course, I have yet to read the rest.

It was on the west side of the aforementioned city that a tall, one-room, soundproof tower sat [you could probably add more description, like 'in the sunlight' type lame description that will create more of an image].

The tower was called Gray-side, for reasons known only to the man who built it. It had [s]two[/s] raised [? probably unnecessary] tunnels on two sides, so that you couldn’t go from one side of the tower to the other [s]side[/s], without taking at least an hour-long drive.And at the heart of each tunnel was a door. At the date spoken of, each door opened, one right after the other, and two men entered.

Delete both commas.

The entire description of the tower is a little clunky. In fact, the entire paragraph could use a rewrite? The Gray-side Tower had a tunnel on two of its sides, taking an hour-long drive from one side to the other. At the heart of the tunnel was a door and, at the date spoken of [I don't much like this phrase], two men entered.

They made sure that they weren’t walking too casually, which would put them off guard, but they didn’t walk too stiffly, [no comma] so that the other couldn’t tell that they weren’t comfortable.

They gripped for only a few seconds, because neither liked the feel of the other's hand.

Wait, so they entered through separate doors? I must have missed that?

They gave it the exact [s]right[/s] amount of time, [no comma] so that they didn’t have to grasp for long, but neither thought the other didn’t trust him. Everything was done perfectly.

It was—to use a much overused saying—so quiet that you could have heard a pin drop. [no period] Which is almost what happened.

The younger [s]just[/s] nodded, and pulled another stack of bills—this one much greater than the last (because, of course, he was the man who had bought the chocolate)—from his pocket.

Again, it would probably be nice to slur in this fact rather than tell it straight out. You know the ol' saying 'round here: Show, don't tell. Do this even if it means later on. We can handle mysterious characters.

He cracked it open so that the younger could see [s]the thing in it[/s] what was inside.

Finally, the younger gave one more nod, and [s]they[/s] he traded the money for the box.

Because the younger guy is the one who traded the money for the box. The other guy traded the box for the money. (You follow? Lol)

As soon as he had the box, the younger turned [s]slightly[/s] [use 'around' (or some version) or nothing at all] to walk away. [s]But[/s] However, the [s]older[/s] elder [sounds better] stayed still, [comma can probably go away] and pulled a pen out of [s]a pocket on his jeans[/s] jeans pocket. He dropped it.

As the pen hit the ground, pulsing blue waves flew through the air, ][no comma] a centimeter above the ground.

A ring of fire surrounded the [s]insides[/s] inside of the tower.

He could see the older man, [no comma] glaring at him angrily, but the younger made sure he landed as far away from the older man as he could.

He locked it behind him, [no comma required] and drove his vehicle away, back through the other side of the tunnel.

As he drove, the younger man felt inside his pocket.

The contents were worth it…but he wished that he had never had to get hold a of them.

Not much to say. At least I have a reason to read now--what's in the box? I shall find out soon enough.

Jabber, the One and Only!

just one comment on the first paragraph...i have rewritten the entire paragraph, so that it's more descriptive and less run-on-ish. i also rewrote some of the other stuff. what i was going to do with this story was: once i finish with part one (The Magic of Chocolate), i'll post each different chapter in one topic. that way you can read them all, and it will have the edited version. however a lot of your grammar things are good, cuz i do add way too many commas. lol!

Hi,

I've had a read through, and nothing major hit me really.

I thought your description of the tower was a bit difficult to understand - it doesn't flow very well.

Other than that, I really liked it. I think its good the way that you aren't emntioning names fr a while, a long case of suspense!

To be honest, I think you are better than me. (dont get that the wrong way im not a vein person! lol) I might use a load of fancy words but your sentence structures are far more developed, and a lot stronger.

as i said before, i have edited it, trying to get it to flow better. i hope i succeeded...once i finish part one i'll post all of the chapters in that part into one forum, so you can read all that there.

on your last comment...i don't agree, i think that you're a lot better than me...but i guess it's fine if you think i'm better. ;-P

see ya round

The Woz

I'm so confused it's not even funny. Why did the older freak try to kill him? WHY DOES HE NEED CHOCOLATE? 'Cus it taste good?
That may be reason enough for me, but I'm still confused! WAAAAAH!!
This chapter was extremely detailed and well-written, so I must applaud you on that. Much better than the first chapter.
You didn't get an editor, did you? CHEATER! Lol, jk. It doesn't really matter, and you probably didn't get one anyway.
Again, I applaud you! GOOD JOB!

1. Infodummmmmp! Get rid of that nasty description and give us some clear images. I was puzzled from the get-go, but this is just confuzzling.

Also, you use too much description. We don't need the information about the hair and eyes, though the fact they move identically is quite interesting. My mind is cooking up ideas for clones, the young'n isn't a clone of the geezer, is he?

2. Overuse of certain words. Like "tower" and "ground". Variety is the spice of life and whatnot.

And this last note:
You should not have to explain your story. You should let the story explain itself as the tale unfolds. If you feel so great a need to talk about it, try using PMs. So we don't have to trawl down through conversation.

Ah, that's it. I'll get to the other parts tonight.

Ciao!

~Sumi

Thanks Sumi...

No, the "young'n" isn't a clone. lol!

Teh Wozzinator

I think your descriptions of the two men were just fine, since it sets them in contrast. I loved the way you talked about their timing and so on and so forth. It was absolutely fabulous. Loved it, loved it, loved it. I wish I had come up with it.

Anyway, that having been said, I had a lot of trouble with the tower. It was just complicated in that beginning paragraph. It completely threw me off. But then the rest of the chapter was good. Confusing, but I am sure you will explain all in time, no?

~GryphonFledgling