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Something Out There



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Sun Nov 11, 2007 8:51 pm
Kim says...



Chapter 9


Jack Thornley looked around the room. He was standing in front of six men, all seated at a large conference table. The men were nervous, not one would look him in the eye. Jack was a huge man, in his late 40’s. He stood over six feet tall with broad shoulders, thinning hair and eyes black as night. It was his eyes the men could not look into, he seemed to always know what they were thinking. It was as if Jack could see into their soul.

“Is everything in place?” Jack asked.

“Sir, almost everything. We are waiting on the pastor of the church. River of Hope.” One of the men said. “He still has not signed over the deed for the land the church is located on.”

“I need that deed!” Jack bellowed. “Without that land, it will be impossible to begin the construction for the university.”

“The pastor requested more time; he is waiting on the church board to approve the sale.” Tim said nervously. He did not like this man.

Jack slowly walked around the room, his arms folded behind him. He purposely walked behind each man. As he did, the men shuddered, as if something crawled up their back.

Next to him was the strongman, unseen by human eyes. His body was muscular and he walked on all fours, his legs were thick as tree trunks with large knobby hands and feet that protruded dagger like nails. His back was covered with black scales and his wings were so large, the talons sticking out along the vein lines, scraped along the ground as he folded them down his humped back.

His yellow eyes twitching with excitement. Jack was his tool. No…. “More like a puppet.” He thought. Jack was easy to manipulate. This man unknowingly was carrying out the Strongman’s plans. A wide crooked grin crossed his face. “The pastor WILL sign that deed, one way or another.”

Jack looked over the men. “I don’t see where the problem is? The church has shriveled up, isn’t there only 20 or so people in the congregation?” Anger turning his face red. “That pastor should be eager to leave. That land is mine, and I will have it!”

The Strongman stood up on his hind legs; he leaned over Jack’s shoulder and hissed in his ear. “Burn down the church.”

Jack turned to walk out the door, looking over his shoulder with a lop sided grin he said, “Burn it down.”

The Strongman laughed as he watched the six men’s reactions. “This is so easy.” he thought and turned to follow Jack.

Christian ran the rest of the way home; he was feeling fear and did not know why. His mind just kept telling him to run with every ounce of strength in him. The four angels positioned themselves on all sides of him, pushing him to run faster.

Seth looked up at the sky; it was now dark with the demonic cloud closing in. He could see their red and yellow eyes targeting Christian.

“Captain.” Arron said while looking up. “I will lag behind and slow them down.”

“No Arron, there are too many, and we do not have the numbers to match them.” Ernes replied. “We need the prayer coverage to increase our numbers. There are thousands of our troops prepared for battle, but with out the prayer they can only wait.”

Seth looked at both of them, “You mean to tell me, there is nothing you can do but run?”

“Seth?” Samuel said. “Getting Christian home is our main priority at this moment. Once there we will fill you in on everything.”

“What makes you think we are safe there? If we can do nothing now!” Seth said to Samuel.

“The house is being guarded; it will deter them for now, buying us sometime.” Samuel was getting frustrated with Seth. He couldn’t blame him though. Seth had been kept in the dark from the very beginning. He softened his voice, “The Warriors already in place around the home have been given permission to do battle if needed. They are prepared. It is the safest place for Christian to be.
  





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Sun Nov 11, 2007 10:17 pm
BigBadBear says...



Oh..this is really getting good, Kim! This is really great! I can't wait to read more. Only like a couple things to point out:

"We are waiting on the pastor of the church. River of Hope.”

Is the River of Hope the name of the church? if so, then combine the sentences.

"The pastor WILL sign that deed,"

Don't use capitals. Italicize it. Caps is for shouting. =)

It is the safest place for Christian to be.

" marks at the end.

Kim, this is really good. I am really wondering where this is going. Good job!


BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





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Mon Nov 12, 2007 6:36 am
hummingbird says...



I enjoyed the new characters you introduced. It adds to the intrigue.

The last paragraph confused me a little, if the warriors can not fight without prayer then why can the warriors protecting the house be able to do battle. you were not clear if they can do it without the prayer coverage.

awesome story cant wait for the next chapter.
I hate mean people
  





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Thu Nov 22, 2007 11:53 am
bkwrm says...



Cool! I don't have time to review it, but it's really good.
Bkwrm
  





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Tue Nov 27, 2007 3:44 am
xyberangel says...



Hey Kim it's going along nicely.Intersting how even the strongmen have to use humans as pawns. Its like all the main characters are the invisible bystanders of this game.

More suggestions:
It was his eyes the men could not look into, he seemed to always know what they were thinking. It was as if Jack could see into their soul.
Maybe this could be stronger, like It was his eyes the men could not look into, he seemed to see right through their soul.

Jack Thornley looked around the room. He was standing in front of six men, all seated at a large conference table. The men were nervous, not one would look him in the eye. could be stronger here, like Jack Thornley looked around the room. He scrutinized the six men figeting nervously like school children. Not one of them dared to look into his eyes.

"The pastor requested more time; he is waiting on the church board to approve the sale.” (comma)Tim said nervously. He did not like this man.


the talons sticking out along the vein lines your using present tense, try to be more consistent

“More like a puppet.”(comma) same sentenceHe thought

Anger turning his face red.sound be anger turned his face red

Christian ran the rest of the way home; he was [s]feeling [/s]feltfear and did not know why.

“Seth?” Samuel said. “Getting Christian home is our main priority at this moment. Once there we will fill you in on everything.” could be made into one sentence

“What makes you think we are safe there? If we can do nothing now!” Seth said to Samuel.making it into one sentence would sound better.

“The house is being guarded; it will deter them for now, buying us sometime.” Samuel was getting frustrated with Seth. He couldn’t blame him though. Seth had been kept in the dark from the very beginning. He softened his voice, “The Warriors already in place around the home have been given permission to do battle if needed. They are prepared. It is the safest place for Christian to be.start another line after speech.

xFlora
  





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Wed Nov 28, 2007 3:28 am
Kim says...



thank you so much angel, i appreciate it. i will definately change things. i like your ideas.

kim
  





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Wed Nov 28, 2007 3:50 am
lysolstinks says...



I like how you introduced your new characters. This chapter very enteresting.

lysolstinks
  








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