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Something Out There



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Wed Oct 31, 2007 4:51 am
Kim says...



Something Out There

Chapter 5

The sun was starting to break over the mountains of the small town of White Rapids. Sitting in a large tree, Aronn had tucked himself in between two branches. Resting his arms over the top, and sitting on the bottom as he let his legs swing. He had found the child’s home, but so far all he could see were the war angels who were sent to protect Seth and his charge, Christian. They had positioned themselves facing outward and standing shoulder to shoulder they surrounded the small house.

Aronn watched them, they were impressive. Some of them stood over 10 feet tall. There was no mistaking these angels, armor reflecting the rising sun almost blinding Aronn. Enormous swords hung from their waist, wrapped in gold rope, their arms were as thick as a tree, muscled by the many battles fought welding a heavy sword. Wings folded behind them with the tips touching the ground. They took this job very seriously. The only thing Aronn could see move, were their eyes. Eyes trained to see the enemy under any disguise.

Yep, Aronn was proud of them, but then he was also one of them.

As sunlight poured in through the bedroom window, Seth stood over Christian. He had been watching the young boy sleep. His favorite time was when he was waking up, this is when a human is most innocent. Seth sat on the edge of the bed, putting one wing over Christian like a blanket. “ Wake up sleepy head, you are missing the sunrise.”

Christian rolled over and was now facing Seth, his eyes closed but a smile crossed his face.

“It’s almost as if he knows you are there Seth.” Bri whispered.

Seth looked up, he had not even noticed she had come into the room. “I know, sometimes I can feel it to.”

“I am glad you are back, Christian needs you. Only you can completely understand him.” Bri, said as she gently sat on the other side of the bed. Staring at Christian she could see why Seth loved him so much. This ten year old child radiated love and a fierce faith in God, not found in many humans. Not even her charge, Anna.

“Bri, look, he is waking up.” Seth’s eyes never left Christians face.

As the child slowly opened his eyes, he sleepily looked at Seth. Their eyes gazing at one another. After a few seconds, Christian’s eyes looked away towards the window. Seth had these few seconds every morning, seconds of recognition. The only time he knew Christian could see him. Then the world would claim him.

Bri sighed, in some ways she was jealous of Seth. Christian had faith, and faith allowed him the ability to recognize his guardian angel.

“One day, Anna will be aware of you Bri,”

As she got up and walked out of the room, she painfully looked at Seth. “I hope it is soon, time is limited here. Their lives are so short, and I fear Anna’s will be shorter then most.”
Last edited by Kim on Wed Oct 31, 2007 5:59 am, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Wed Oct 31, 2007 5:03 am
B r i a s a u r u s says...



I...
Love..
It.

Its very good kim.
I cant wait for chapter 6 :D
  





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Wed Oct 31, 2007 9:38 pm
BigBadBear says...



Awww. this is awesome! I didn't notice any errors! I am very proud of you, Kim. Your story is freaking awesome! The only thing I wonder is why Set it guarding Christian. What is the purpose, but I expect all will make sense in due time.


Great job, Kim!


BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





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Sun Nov 04, 2007 3:33 pm
bkwrm says...



Oooh - intriguing. This is really good. I can't even spot any grammatical mistakes this time -you're just getting better and better. I'm totally hooked to your story!
Bkwrm :D
  





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Sun Nov 04, 2007 11:24 pm
lysolstinks says...



i have been following your story. it is intriguing, it goes places where i least expected. it also makes one think. is there something else out there we cant see.

lysolstinks
  





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Mon Nov 05, 2007 1:17 am
hummingbird says...



Kim I like the way you described Aaron and the war angels at the beginning of the chapter. It makes me wonder, what is going to happen and holds my attention. I could actually visualize them in my mind. Then you move to Seth and Christian and it was very sweet to see the relationship Seth has with him. It also gives me a first time glimpse of Christian and I am anxious to read more to see what Christian is all about. You have a way of leaving me hanging, I guess that is good writing but bad for me.

Hummingbird
I hate mean people
  





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Mon Nov 26, 2007 9:59 am
xyberangel says...



Hey Kim again, still following your story, love the angel theme, btw is this a flash back or did they go back or something? I dont really get this, I thought in the 1st chapter Seth lost Christian or something, how did he suddenly gain him back again? o.O

Aronn watched them, they were impressive. Some of them stood over 10 feet tall.

the way you started this paragraph, i somehow thought you could have made it stronger. Like if you started with Aronn watched them, impressed. Also for the line: some of them stood over 10 feet tall. maybe you could use instead The towered over 10 feet tall, blocking out the sun.

The only thing Aronn could see move, were their eyes.

Im not sure about this, but maybe it should be The only thing Aronn could see move, was their eyes.

Yep, Aronn was proud of them, but then he was also one of them.
This line flowed a bit wierdly. maybe Yep, Aronn was proud of them, but then again he was also one of them.

“I am glad you are back, Christian needs you. Only you can completely understand him.” Bri, said as she gently sat on the other side of the bed. Staring at Christian she could see why Seth loved him so much. This ten year old child radiated love and a fierce faith in God, not found in many humans. Not even her charge, Anna

Remember to press enter after a dialogue line. Maybe you could add more description of how or why Christian loved God.

Christian rolled over and was now facing Seth, his eyes closed but a smile crossed his face.
you could make this stronger like
his eyes were closed but a smile crept across his face like the first rays of sunlight, hearalding a fine summer day.


As the child slowly opened his eyes, he sleepily looked at Seth. Their eyes gazing at one another.


Their eyes gazing at one another? This sounds a little awkward maybe something like They gazed at one another or their eyes drank up one another.

There's some inconsistencys with tense, you change from past to present midway. Otherwise It's looking good, and every last sentence and development in character makes me want to keep reading. Oh yeah another thing i kept forgetting to mention, because I've been caught up in reading your story so much, is that you havn't said which chapter it is in the title of the story, this is really hard for readers to find the write chapter of the story just by browsing your profile. Maybe you could make an idex, or make a link to the next chapter from your previous chapter, this would help user friendliness by heaps.

Good luck in your writing

xxxFlora~
  





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Mon Nov 26, 2007 4:09 pm
Kim says...



Thanks angel, i really appreciate it. and will go back and make changes. thanks for taking the time to point out what changes i need. very helpful.

kim
  








Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.
— Sylvia Plath