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Something Out There



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Thu Oct 25, 2007 8:45 pm
Kim says...



Something Out There
Chapter three


Seth sat on the cold ground not moving. Wings tucked in beneath his cloak. His eyes never leaving the demons face. To think that this grotesque thing was once beautiful. He almost felt pity for it.

“Do not pity me!” the demon screamed, reading Seth’s mind. “Look at you! You give up to easy. You have become weak! The demon moved in closer, its voice lowered,” You were once strong Seth, those stupid humans have changed you. You should have come with me.”

Seth closed his eyes, remembering when they were once friends, they could have been brothers. Both of them had golden hair and blue eyes. They did everything together. The laughter they once shared, the dreams and the meaningful conversations. It was a time he tried to never take his mind back to. They were too painful for him; even now he willed his mind to erase what he couldn’t forget.

“Aw I can see it in your eyes, you remember don’t you Seth”

“How can I forget?” Seth yelled. . He opened his eyes and looked at the fallen angel. “Those memories are no longer, you are detestable to me, and you willing gave it all up for power! What power do you now possess demon! “

“What power do I possess?” his eyes half closed, a smile creeping up his face. ”Mmmm… let’s see, where do I begin.” The demon looked around for a comfortable sitting place. Finding one next to the wall he sat back on his haunches.

“Well to start with, I destroy relationships of every kind. I can wreck a friendship in one day, marriages fall apart with mere words whispered in ears.” He shifted his weight, enjoying this. And continued. “Families are my favorite. I can destroy generations going way back, lasting way into the future.”

“You see the human race is…., let’s just say empty. They seek anything, and everything to fill this void. That’s where I come in. Once I am allowed in, I consume them. They can barely let their minds think of anything else. I grab their hearts with my hands. Once my claws have dug in deep, I don’t let go.” The demon let out a long sigh. “If you look in the humans eyes you can see me. That is power in itself. “

He continued now with a low hiss. ”don’t you get it, Seth? Your Father allows forgiveness, but I have found a way to keep them from forgiving. I can keep their hearts from seeking Him. I do not let go easily, and continue to come back, again and again. They are so stupid; they make it easy for me to control them.”

Seth leaned forward; he has seen first hand what this demon is capable of. His anger boiling to the surface,” They are not stupid, they are blind and unknowing; do you honestly think your power is so strong? With one word, a child with faith can send you back to the depths!’ Seth’s voice became lower. “Stupid is what you are, you traded love, freedom and peace for shackles. That is what I see demon!

“I have a name! “The demon screeched. “Say it!”

“Your name has been erased; it no longer belongs to you”

The demon became enraged,” Say my name Seth! Acknowledge who I am!’ spraying Seth with sulfurous spit.

Seth stood up and stepped forward in one quick, fluid motion. His frame over ten feet tall towering over the demon. “Acknowledge who you are? You mean WHAT you are. You are Hate, that is your name now; never will I call you by another!”

“I have a name! I have a name! I HAVE A NAME!” hate screamed while backing away from Seth. He looked behind him and noticed only rock. Panic now filled him, his sides heaving in and out, trying to get air. This is not the way it was supposed to happen. Seth was weak, an easy mark. He was known as the gentle one.

Seth moved in closer. Taking his cloak off and tossing it in front of him, purposely making it land on the demon’s head. It snagged on a crooked scale and hung there. Seth grinned. He could feel the energy course through his entire body. With it came a comforting warm sensation. The energy exploded in a blinding light, exiting through his enormous wings.

Seth’s face was full of amusement, blue eyes shimmering. Gazing downward he looked at hate.” what are you doing? Looking for a way out?”

The demon, now enraged, clawed at the air, it tried to lift its self up, with tiny, thin, black wings.

Seth started to laugh. “Those itty bitty wings are useless” He said as he moved in even closer, pinning hate to the rock. The demon’s body was now twisted, his left back leg pointed straight up, caught against the wall, and he could feel the tendons stretching to their limit. He tried to get his other leg underneath him for leverage, but it would not move.

Hate could find no way out, he slowly rolled his head to face Seth. Eyes bulging with evil. “MOVE!!!” his lips curled baring sharp uneven teeth.

“Make me!”

Using the only weapon available, hate opened his large gaping jaw, releasing a thick green and black mist. His yellow fangs pushing forward, and angled straight out, like a venomous snake. His eyes rolled into the back of his head, showing only the white.

It all played out with a blinding speed; before the demons mouth found its mark, Seth’s fist plowed into the side of its head, making it roll and bounce off of the rock wall. Not stepping back he lifted his wings for more leverage, his other hand smashed down on top of the demons head, cracking it open. Seth then picked him up by his thick neck, and hurled him into the rock ceiling. Hate hit with such force it sent rock pieces flying in all directions. The demons body hit the ground and rolled, making Seth having to side step him.

Hate rolled painfully onto his back, and searched for the angel with one eye, the other swollen shut. His body twisted like a rag doll. With his vision blurred he spotted Seth standing off to his left.

“You still lose, you can not win Seth” his voice coming out in gasps. “Come kneel beside me so you can hear me better.”

Seth stood straight, put his shoulders back and chest out, opening his wings and stretched them to their full glory. Exposing the intricate silver lining that shined with such radiance, the dark of the cave became like day.

“Only my Father will I get on my knees for.”

“You may have won this fight, but Seth, you will lose the battle.”

As Seth strained to hear the words, the demon screamed in terror. Seth quickly looked around him, but found nothing.. Only the demon could see the horror that was before him.

Hell was its home now.
  





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Thu Oct 25, 2007 8:57 pm
B r i a s a u r u s says...



Its soo good kim!
All I noticed was you forgot a few ".
But other then that.
Amazing.
I cant wait for the next chapter :]]
  





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Thu Oct 25, 2007 9:15 pm
BigBadBear says...



Great job Kimmy! There is not much that I can say, but that you are doing an excellent job. I'm glad that you are doing so well!


BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





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Thu Oct 25, 2007 9:21 pm
Kim says...



you can take credit for it bear, you are the one teaching me how to write, and helping me with my mistakes. thank you so much.
  





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Fri Oct 26, 2007 3:18 pm
bkwrm says...



It's really good Kim. There's quite a few grammatical mistakes which I tried to write out for you, but my computer is being stroppy and deleted it all, and I'm afraid I can't write it all over again. I'm sure if you read it through you'll spot them easily. I really really like it - well done!
Bkwrm :-)
  





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Sat Oct 27, 2007 1:06 am
xhalcyonx128 says...



really good job, theres like an uber amount of grammer and puncuation mistakes, but those fix themselves with practice. i'll come back later and point them out for you. :-) kudos on another good chapter.
  





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Mon Oct 29, 2007 11:23 pm
xhalcyonx128 says...



ok first of all go back and check for tense mistakes, you have a few.

ok i wrote this rly long review where i copied and pasted ur story onto word and highlighted everything that should b changed and then added more stuff in bold, and when i post it up here the highlights and bold goes away. :-( ill try and find a way around that.

i see chapter 4 is up, awesome ill go see how that is.
  





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Tue Oct 30, 2007 2:18 am
lysolstinks says...



This chapter rocks, it had me on the edge of my seat. well written, still grammar errors, but i am now headed to ch 4. i am actually liking this.

lysolstinks
  





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Mon Nov 05, 2007 1:08 am
hummingbird says...



OK! WOW, WOW and more WOW. The fight between Hate and Seth was absolutely amazing. The way you described it made me feel like I was there and rooting Seth on. I was very sorry when this chapter ended. You have come even further along in your writing and descriptions of your characters. I love Seth, I was soooo encouraged to see him fight back and not seem depressed and weak. Even though I new he probably was not it made me feel good to read this and get a different look on him.
I hate mean people
  





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Mon Nov 26, 2007 1:48 am
xyberangel says...



The story's building up quite well. I liked the battle sceen which was quite exciting. I think I'll keep reading this.

Heres a few mistakes I picked up on


You give up to easy.
-should'nt it be too easy

“Stupid is what you are, you traded love, freedom and peace for shackles. That is what I see demon!
-need to close speech marks

“I have a name! I have a name! I HAVE A NAME!” hate screamed while backing away from Seth.
capital for Hate

Gazing downward he looked at hate.” what are you doing? Looking for a way out?”
captial for What

The demon, now enraged, clawed at the air, it tried to lift its self up, with tiny, thin, black wings.
well even though you emphaised the thiny and thinness of the wings, maybe you could use a bit more description here. Like for a fallen angel I would think it could be like twisted or mangled. This could show the contrast between a fallen angel and the real angel in Seth.

Seth started to laugh. “Those itty bitty wings are useless”

Isnt itty bitty wings a litte childish for Seth's style? Though maybe its used for the effect for making him sounding like he's mocking Hate. Then it could be effective....

“MOVE!!!” his lips curled baring sharp uneven teeth.

use some more description here, for stronger effect, instead of just saying sharp uneven teeth, maybe like cruel jagged teeth. This helps the reader imagine what sceen is like more vividly.

The demons body hit the ground and rolled, making Seth having to side step him.
the making Seth having to side step him sounds a bit wierd. Maybe you could phrase it better like forcing Seth to nimbly side step over him.

“You still lose, you can not win Seth” his voice coming out in gasps.
comma betweet Seth, "

“Only my Father will I get on my knees for.”


This is phrased a bit wierdly as well. Maybe it should be "I would only get on my knees for my father." or "My Father is the only one I would get on my knees for."
  





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Mon Nov 26, 2007 5:15 am
Kim says...



Thanks again angel, i will go back and make some changes, its amazing how even the little things we miss. i appreciate it so much.

kim
  








May you never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, then lie with me all the nights of your life. And if you must cheat, then please, cheat death.
— An Unknown Bride, Leap Year