Young Writers Society

Chapter One


“It’s too hot!” said an eleven-year-old boy. His thirteen-year-old brother nodded his head in agreement. “Yeah, if it is too hot, then we don’t have to go to camp this year, right, Zach?”

Zach, the youngest out of the three brothers didn’t say anything. “Mom, are you sure that I have to go…I mean, I’m only nine!”

Mrs. Peterson nodded, “Zach, you are old enough to be without your mother for a few weeks. And c’mon boys, cheer up! It is only a couple of weeks!”

Jared, the eleven year old, said, “Yeah, well, it is too hot! I don’t wanna spend a week in this kinda heat!”

Mrs. Peterson breathed through her nose, and shook her head. “Race, Jared, and Zach, c’mon, just do it. Do it for me.”

Race sighed and knew that any point in arguing further would only end up in fighting. He opened the car door and stepped out onto the hot, dirt road. He was followed out by Zach, and then Jared.

Race turned around curtly and waved to his mother, who said to them, “Come around here and give me a hug and a kiss.”

Her three children obeyed and went around in front of the blue minivan to give their old mother a last kiss goodbye.

“Well, just know that I love you, and don’t get in trouble.” When she said those last five words, she was looking at Race and Jared. She spoke sternly.

“You understand?”

The three boys nodded. After that, Race shook his long, blonde hair out of his face, doing a little hair flip, as Jared liked to tease him about. Mrs. Peterson was always fussing about how she wanted Race to get a haircut, and look more presentable, like Jared.

Jared also had blonde hair, but he couldn’t stand it in his eyes, like his brother enjoyed. He spiked his hair up with gel, or just let it lay flat.

Zach, well, Zach really had no hair to do anything with. Zach had buzzed his hair short the last week, so there was not much he could do about it.

Race’s stature was like most thirteen-year-olds. He was tall, but still a little chunky from family heritage. He was a rock star, or so he thought. He hung his pants down baggy and tight fitting shirts. Black was his favorite color. He wore it just about every day.

Jared couldn’t be anything similar to his older brother. Jared was unusually tall, geeky looking from his big glasses, and at the moment had braces on his teeth. You could say that he was the perfect nerd of the family, and in most cases, was.

Zachary, a little nine-year-older was still trying hard to get past his obnoxious little kid figure. Zach was still hyper and a big baby when it came to competition. Race and Jared would play Zach in a game of baseball, and he would cry whenever he struck out or something like that.

But, in the past few weeks, it has seemed like Zach has matured. He was getting noticeably taller, and unlike his two older brothers, he was super skinny.

“S.K.T…I wonder what that means,” Jared muttered.

“Huh?” Race asked. Jared pointed up into the sky, and Race turned his head and looked. There was a big, tall gate that towered about all of the trees. At the top of the huge, brown gate, there were the letters, in bold red dye: S.K.T.

“Hm, I guess it is the initials of the founder or something…” Race replied.

“That’s what I thought,” Jared said.

“Goodbye, Mom!” Zach yelled from behind them.

The two older brothers waved at their mother as she drove down the dirt road. Other cars were parked along the dirt road, saying their last words to their children who had to suffer two long weeks in this intense heat.

“This must be like the hottest day that Utah has ever seen!” Jared said as he wiped the sweat off of his head, after Mrs. Peterson had driven off.

They found an empty patch of shaded, provided by a large tree, almost as tall as the gate that said S.K.T.

Most of the other children around them were either sitting or lying down, trying to get away from the heat. Most of them looked bored, and some looked like they wanted to go home, including the Peterson boys.

Race pulled out his Ipod and started to listen to his “rock star” music. Jared snorted, knowing that Race had been told not to bring it, but yet, he still did. Jared knew that Race would be tripping head over heels to listen to his music by the end of the two weeks.

Jared leaned on the tree, but it was too hot, so he lay down on his back.

It wasn’t as comfortable as the couch in his room back at home, but it will make do.

Zach got up from his behind to walk around the little area that everyone was waiting behind to get into the camp. Zach knew, from his brother’s information, that camps usually just let you stroll right in as soon as you get there, but this time, they made you wait in the sweltering hot sun. Zach tried to see if anyone was talking about what S.K.T. meant, but nobody did. Zach suddenly felt a small breeze pass through his hair, and relaxed.

I wonder what this camp will let us do…I hope it has a huge lake that I can swim in whenever I want. That would be awesome…

“Hey, um, does anyone know if there is a lake here,” Zach suddenly asked. A boy, about two years older than Zach looked up.

“It depends.”

“It depends on what?” Zach asked.

“It depends on what you get.” After the boy said that, he closed his eyes and lay back down.

Zach was puzzled. “It depends on what you get? What does that mean?” Zach asked the boy.

The boy didn’t answer.

Zach shook his head and walked back to his sweaty brothers. Race nodded to him and said, “Sit down, you are gonna get dehydrated.”

Jared then remembered that he had stuck a water bottle in his pocket, and with ease, pulled it out. He took a sip, and decided that it was too hot to drink refreshingly.

He grimaced and dumped it out. Race flinched at the sudden wetness, but then put his hand the puddle. He decided to enjoy it while it was still there.

Jared layed back down once more and put his hands above his head. Awww…It feels so good to stretch…what’s this?

Jared felt a soft stick in his hands, and pulled it back. He examined it with awe. The stick was carved at one end, and pointed at the other. It reminded Jared of a wand that he had seen in movies. The “wand” was light brown and smooth. On the pointed half of the wand, there were letters, painted in a dull red ink: Randavois Evena

“Randavois Evena…what does that mean? Is it a name?” Jared asked himself out loud.

Race looked at Jared and then at the wand. “What’s that?” he asked.

“I don’t know…I just found it.” Jared answered.

“What does it say,” Race said when he looked closer.

“Randavois Evena. Do you know what is means?”

“You’re the nerd, you should know!” Race exclaimed. “Let me see it.”

Jared gave it to Race and he looked at it closely. “It looks like a wand or something…” his voice trailed off.

“I have no clue… here,” he gave it back to Jared. His brother returned it and Jared put it in his pocket.

“Ahhhh! When are they gonna let us in! I’m gonna die!” Race shouted. A couple of girls looked over at Race when he yelled and giggled. Race blushed and smiled back. They laughed even harder.

“Your such a player,” Jared whispered to Race. “I know,” was his reply.


How is this for the start?

Yay! I get to be the first to comment on this....

First off, don't you think this storyline is a bit cliche? A couple kids finding some magical object, thinking it looks like something they "saw on tv" or something..... Can't tell for sure, since this is only the beggining. Also, I noticed, especially in this parahraph(s), the following details:

The three boys nodded. After that, Race shook his long, blonde hair out of his face, doing a little hair flip, as Jared liked to tease him about. Mrs. Peterson was always fussing about how she wanted Race to get a haircut, and look more presentable, like Jared.

Jared also had blonde hair, but he couldn’t stand it in his eyes, like his brother enjoyed. He spiked his hair up with gel, or just let it lay flat.

Zach, well, Zach really had no hair to do anything with. Zach had buzzed his hair short the last week, so there was not much he could do about it.

Race’s stature was like most thirteen-year-olds. He was tall, but still a little chunky from family heritage. He was a rock star, or so he thought. He hung his pants down baggy and tight fitting shirts. Black was his favorite color. He wore it just about every day.

Jared couldn’t be anything similar to his older brother. Jared was unusually tall, geeky looking from his big glasses, and at the moment had braces on his teeth. You could say that he was the perfect nerd of the family, and in most cases, was.

Zachary, a little nine-year-older was still trying hard to get past his obnoxious little kid figure. Zach was still hyper and a big baby when it came to competition. Race and Jared would play Zach in a game of baseball, and he would cry whenever he struck out or something like that.

But, in the past few weeks, it has seemed like Zach has matured. He was getting noticeably taller, and unlike his two older brothers, he was super skinny.

Here you are basically just listing facts about the boys. Don't get me wrong, description is good, and can really add to the depth of a story. But in this case it is more of an info drop. Try adding these details in a more subtle way, and maybe spread it out, or mix it up in the story, so the description happens in different parts besides that one.


I also noticed that you tend to use an uncontracted form of "it is" in numerous places, such as these:

It is only a couple of weeks

well, it is too hot!

And other places such as those. It definitely takes away from the flow of the dialogue, so I would suggest changing at least a few of them into "it's". Another comment I had was; why do they care about going to camp so much? (I am assuming they are going to camp) I think you might want to find another motive besides the heat, or at least rephrase it, since they are going to have to live in the heat anyway. Maybe say something like, "Well, it is too hot for camp!" and then add other reasons, such as: cabins would be too hot, games would be uncomfortable, etc.


The last problem I had with this is the repetativeness of some of the description, in places such as this:

dirt road. Other cars were parked along the dirt road,

Notice the repetition of "dirt road". Maybe find some other way to describe the road?

Other than that, this is a nice beginning. an intriguing twist with the "wand", I'll be looking forward to seeing where this goes.


PM me with questions of comments

Green = Comment
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

“It’s too hot!” said an eleven-year-old boy. His thirteen-year-old brother nodded his head in agreement. “Yeah, if it is too hot, then we don’t have to go to camp this year, right, Zach?”

Zach, the youngest out of the three brothers didn’t say anything. “Mom, are you sure that I have to go…I mean, I’m only nine!”

As an introduction I only imagined two brothers and then the third is mentioned out of nowhere, in my opinion, so perhaps you could begin in a way that the reader was aware there are three boys in the scene.

Mrs. Peterson breathed through her nose, and shook her head. “Race, Jared, and Zach, c’mon, just do it. Do it for me.”

How about: Boys

He was followed out by Zach, and then Jared.

... his brothers is so much more simpler and avoids repetition of the characters’ names.

The three boys nodded. After that, Race shook his long, blonde hair out of his face, doing a little hair flip, as Jared liked to tease him about. Mrs. Peterson was always fussing about how she wanted Race to get a haircut, and look more presentable, like Jared.

Jared also had blonde hair, but he couldn’t stand it in his eyes, like his brother enjoyed. He spiked his hair up with gel, or just let it lay flat.

Zach, well, Zach really had no hair to do anything with. Zach had buzzed his hair short the last week, so there was not much he could do about it.

Race’s stature was like most thirteen-year-olds. He was tall, but still a little chunky from family heritage. He was a rock star, or so he thought. He hung his pants down baggy and tight fitting shirts. Black was his favorite color. He wore it just about every day.

Jared couldn’t be anything similar to his older brother. Jared was unusually tall, geeky looking from his big glasses, and at the moment had braces on his teeth. You could say that he was the perfect nerd of the family, and in most cases, was.

Zachary, a little nine-year-older was still trying hard to get past his obnoxious little kid figure. Zach was still hyper and a big baby when it came to competition. Race and Jared would play Zach in a game of baseball, and he would cry whenever he struck out or something like that.

This sounds like something you’d have done for an outline on each character rather than involve it in the actual story. You don’t have to describe the boys yet, or you can do with little details such as Race doing his hair flip and then have Jared teasing him about it so we know it’s a habit or something.

Since they’re going to camp you could show Zach’s childish behaviour in a baseball match by involving him in a game where he ends up crying, that way we can tell he is like most kids at that age.

There was a big, tall gate that towered about all of the trees. At the top of the huge, brown gate, there were the letters, in bold red dye: S.K.T.

As you’ve described the gate as ‘big’ and ‘tall’ there is no need for ‘huge’. Just call it: the gate ...

They found an empty patch of shaded, provided by a large tree, almost as tall as the gate that said S.K.T.

Typo: ‘shaded’ = ‘shade’ Also we know there is only one gate so take out: ... that said S.K.T.

“Hey, um, does anyone know if there is a lake here[,]” Zach suddenly asked.

Should end with a question mark since he’s asking a question.

Race flinched at the sudden wetness, but then put his hand [...] the puddle.

Missing words there.

Jared layed back down once more and put his hands above his head.

‘layed’ = lay

“Ahhhh! When are they gonna let us in! I’m gonna die!” Race shouted. A couple of girls looked over at Race when he yelled and giggled. Race blushed and smiled back. They laughed even harder.

This appears in the next chapter so read the comment on there.

*

Hello!

Reading the dialogue where you have ‘it is’ or ‘you are’ breaks the flow, these are kids and at that particular age they won’t be so formal.
You need to break the habit of repetition: characters names, description, action—several times people or things are lay or put ‘back’—and the hot weather.

Try making your description interesting. I guess most people will think of Harry Potter when you mention the ‘wand’ so go for something different: yes, it might look like a stick or wand but if you change it from the norm, say the character Jared thinks it’s a branch and when Race sees it perhaps it will appear as something else to him?

Also, work on the boys a little more. They seem like any other kids from young adult books, teenage fiction as some call it, with the rock star going for black clothes, the youngest being the baby and the middle one the nerdy type. Growing up with two younger brothers I know how annoying they can be at this age, both do their own things but there are similarities between them that the Peterson brothers don’t have. What one or two thing[s] do the Peterson boys have in common?

It took a while for me to get into the story, there are parts that bored me mainly to do with the repetition and how the parents didn’t seem to wait for the camp director or buddies to turn up: would they really leave them there without adults around to make sure these kids didn’t get up to no good?

The boy who says ‘it depends’ caught my attention because of this mystery whether there’ll be a lake or not so I’ll wait to see what happens next.

Myth

Not bad, not bad. It's a little intriguing already; I mean with the lake thing.
Just one complaint. It's a common mistake for writers to "tell" instead of "show". Of course, we can't literally "show", but that's what good writing is all about.
You can put things differently to make it seem like showing. Instead of just listing things about your characters, incorporate the characteristics into the storyline.
Having the characters do characterizing things while something benign is good. For example, if I said that someone wheezed and plodded along and their friend was laughing and skipping, you can tell they're either worn out or fat. If I said someone pulled at their whiskers you could tell they're either old or an animal-person. If they pop ear-buds from their ipod into their ears and their brother goes off, "Hey, you weren't supposed to bring that thing along!" then you know that the little brother is a tattle-tale and the older brother doesn't pay much attention to rules.
Something you can do to help you with this is to practice describing yourself without specifically saying the things. For example, I could describe myself as a tall person by putting a short exchange this way.

"What're you looking at?" the guy asked, craning his neck back to squint at me.
I bent down until I was eye to eye with him. "Your ugly face."
The punk's demeanor deflated and scampered off into the crowd.
I looked back at Katrina with a wry grin. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "God, you moron. Just because you're my boyfriend doesn't mean you're my bodyguard. Why do you always have to freak out like that?"
With a sniff, I rested my arm on her shoulder. "Take it or leave it."

See what I mean? It would have been just as easy for me to get the same information across like this:
I'm tall, cocky, and combative. Sometimes I pop off at people when they don't really deserve it. Katrina, my girlfriend, doesn't like it when I do that.

The second example isn't nearly as good as the first one. The first is a very short story. The second is a profile. Fiction is interesting when it's a story. If I want to read profiles, I can go to myspace.

Good luck and don't get discouraged if people say your work is cliched. Your story is your story and unless you're copying someone else's story, the tale is your own creative product.

I could go into avoiding cliches, but suffice to say, try not to make your story about predictable people doing predictable things.

Good Luck. =)

Nothing much I can say about this that's not been said although I've yet to hear a Mum say "c'mon. I agree about cliche aspect Harry Potter ain't only wand book. The whole idea seemed interesting but it lacked substance they're in a car, then out. They get a weird comment from some kid and find the wand thing. After finding out brother a playa. You should describe the area and repitition tires people and bores them. As Scotty has said "Show" not "Tell". Only thing intriqueing about this was name on wand and what boy said. It's very basic right now. Three boys who are brothers and if one into rock you know would he kiss his Mum. I imagine he would after Mum made an issue.

Oh my god we've same unattentive Mother as in Home Alone running as soon as they're dropped off not waiting for anyone. The Mum loves them it appears, but to me right now seems like she's trying to go for the most unattentive Mum award. Think. Would you're Mum be like this?

Overall it's interesting and I'd read more and this again if you edited it out .

Good luck VSN.

Interesting... try not to repeat the characters' names so much.