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Young Writers Society


The Basketball Court



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Wed Sep 05, 2007 5:33 am
Sk8tr Girl says...



Chapter 1: The Playground Bully, Two kids were playing in a park there was a boy that had flat black hair and brown eyes his name was Danny, and there was a girl named she had beautiful chestnut brown hair and dark brown eyes her name matched her Beauty Emerald. These two kids are best friends they new each other since forever and so they were in a park playing baseball something that they always like to play.

They were intelligent little 2ND graders who would do anything to play sports until one day. A 3rd grade bully moved into town he had blond hair and green eyes his name fitted his character Micheal he was very a mean little boy when, he came to the playground he saw Emerald and Danny playing. And from the first site he didn't like Danny he came up to them and said "Hey let me play" Danny hesitated. Then said "OK" they restarted the game. Danny threw the ball and Micheal hit it "Foul"! yelled Danny Micheal blurted out saying "Your blind that was totally in" Emerald rolled her eyes. Danny looked at Micheal again and said "Look this is just a little game not a baseball league game besides you have two more turns" the second turn he got a strike and the third time he got a strike.

Micheal started getting angry he threw the bat on the floor walked up to Danny and said "I don't think it's me I think its the pitcher" Danny showed no sign of fear and took an extra step forward as well and said "I think its the other way around". Micheal pushed Danny really hard on the ground and raised his leg put his foot on Danny's chest and said "For that I will pound you every time I see you,... and I live across the street from here so I will see you" Danny got up patted all the dirt off and walked to Emerald he said "Come on Emmy" Emerald obeyed and followed she took one look back at Micheal. She didn't know that 5 years later thing's were going to get worse.

The 5 years went by very slowly in Bayone,New Jersey now two 13 year old Teenager's named Danny and Emerald take the place of the two 7 year old Danny and Emerald. The two kids never went back to the park because when they were smaller they were a little nervous about going back plus they got a little too old to play in the little park. "I've been wanting to play basketball for a long time"Danny said Emerald agreed and looked around. She had glanced to the right and saw a nice little boxed in area that was full of garbage then she had an idea "Danny, why don't we make our own court" she could see it now the hoop hanging from the wall and a fence so no one could get in "That's a great idea" yelled Danny so they quickly got to work they cleaned the place and they asked there parents to buy a big fence for it but they did not know the court would reunite them with that 9 year old bully.


Chapter 2: Away for a While, [/i] One month later it was Finally finished Danny looked at it with satisfaction Emerald just stared when her sister ran up to them her sister had short blond hair and brown eyes "What is it Trixie" asked Emerald she looked at Emerald and said "Emma mom said you need to start packing for the business trip to California".

Emerald collapsed her hand on her head and said "That's right I totally forgot about that" she said goodbye to Danny then ran home.

The next day she left to California, Danny decided to give the court a try so he walked over to the court and played. By Emerald she was with Trixie and her mother shopping Emerald hatted girl shopping but went along anyway Trixie noticed that Emerald didn't wan to be there so she decided. To look for clothes for her "Em let's go get stuff for you" Emerald looked at her as if she were crazy, they let there mom know where they were going then went shopping. Over with Danny he was waiting for Emerald to come back but he didn't know that a 2 week trip would change his friends attitude forever.

The two weeks went by like years for Danny but like a blink of an eye for Emerald when she got home she decided to surprise Danny.

He was in the Basketball court playing "Hey Danny". Danny made one last shot then turned around his eyes widened then he asked "What happened to you"?!
Emeralds eyes also widened "I went shopping". Danny opened his mouth and said "It looks like a bunch of Fashion Zombies took over your body". "Very Funny" laughed Emerald "What happened to your basketball shorts and stuff "I don't know" was her answer, "How can you run in those shoes", he asked. Emerald started getting a little upset. "Look, I thought you were my best friend you'll like me no matter what",
she turned to walk away then Danny ran up to her and grabbed her arm and said "I'm sorry I just never thought I would see you like this", Emerald motioned for a hug.

After the hug Emerald grabbed the basketball and made a hoop. Danny watched in amazement "Wow that's one thing that hasn't changed your still good in sports",
Emerald grinned "You know what I was always better then you in sports", Danny looked at her then said "Uhh...I don't think so" Emerald looked at him and said "Hello three home runs in the neighborhood game", Danny rolled his eyes and said "Show off".

Emerald looked at him and said "Don't be jealous" Danny walked closer to her and said "I'm not jealous princess" Emerald also took a step closer and popped the ball out of his hands and ran with it he grabbed onto her while she was holding the ball tight to her when the gate flung open someone they haven't seen since they were 7.[/b]

[b]Chapter3:An old Enemy, In the gateway was the old 8 year old bully but instead there was a 14 year old Muscular bully.
Danny's eyes widened, Emerald looked at the boy it was Micheal the bully they met on the playground 5 years ago. The boy walked up to them and said "Emerald, and Danny how nice to see you again" he laughed Danny put his hand into a fist and slowly raised it when Emerald pushed it back down.

Micheal took a step closer to Emerald "You, don't look like Emerald the girl who played baseball with me" Emerald looked up into his face and said "yyyes I am" then he eyed her and said "Your prettier then that basketball shorts girl".
He said to her "Come with me we can hangout" Emerald shook her head NO, then Micheal went to grab her arm as to force her to come but she was to fast she ran, she ran right out the gate and hid behind a nearby car.

Micheal and his gang ran straight on past her hiding place and Danny who was running behind them, when Emerald pulled Danny behind the car Danny saw her and said "Good thinking".
They got up and started walking to Danny's house, Danny, laughed Emerald looked over at him Danny looked up and said "Looks we might be kicked out of our own court, first the playground now the court" she looked at him and laughed he looked at her in a way he never looked at her before but he put it to the back of his mind to think about later they got to Danny's house. Walked in the front door when an aroma of freshly baked cookies filled the air Emerald looked at Danny they both smiled then dashed into the kitchen grabbed a handful of cookies and went up to Danny's room.

Emerald walked into the room and said "Your mom makes the best cookies" Danny laughed they stood in his room for a while then Emerald had to go as Emerald was walking out the door Danny ran up to her and said "I'll go with you". Danny took her home then started walking back when a boy about the age of 16 showed up he had beautiful blue eyes and messy brown hair. "Was sup Lil bro" he asked Danny looked at his brother and said "Zack if you've been friends with someone for a very long time and ya, know one day you feel sort of I don't know weird around them like you get a funny feeling in the pit of your stomach".

Zack held back the urge of wanting to laugh he looked over at his brother and said "My young brother.... you are experiencing love" Danny stopped in his tracks. He looked back up at his brother "wait you think I like Emmy, Emmy my best friend" "Yes, I think you do" laughed Zack.

"Well think again" answered Danny and he ran the reast of the way home.

The next day Danny woke up and walked to the basketball court as he was walking Emerald came up to him, this time wearing her basketball shorts and Nike's when she walked in Danny looked at her and said "that's more like it" Emerald laughed a little then started playing.

Danny lost 4 to 1 then he decided not to embarrass himself anymore Emerald gave up to she was tired of winning, "I cant believe school starts in three day's I wonder how 8Th grade will be like" wondered Danny "I dunno but we better think of some excuse to not go to those stupid dances" said Emerald. "Ya my mom has been asking me who am I gonna take this year" groaned Danny "Maybe you can take Rebbecca she's liked you since the 4Th grade" answered Emerald "Very Funny" laughed Danny "You know what, maybe we should go to a dance this year" said Danny. Emerald nodded in agreement "Do you feel like candy" asked Emerald (getting uncomfortable with the conversation) Danny nodded so they walked to the corner store bought some candy then went for a walk.

There walk was nice until they met up with Micheal and his crew, Micheal walked up to Emerald and said "Hey Emmy was sup" Emerald rolled her eyes and said "Nothing that concerns you" and tried to walk away but his boy's blocked her path. Emerald looked around for an opening. But she was boxed in. [/b]
Last edited by Sk8tr Girl on Wed Sep 05, 2007 6:54 pm, edited 8 times in total.
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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 3
Wed Sep 05, 2007 6:08 am
introvert says...



Well, I like the main idea of the story, though you definitely have some things to work on.

First of all, it is all one paragraph. It became harder and harder to read! I suggest working on that, though I'm not sure I could tell you how.

You definitely need to use the spell check, since there are some minor mistakes, and a few pretty big ones.

Something that also bothered me a bit was the way you described your characters. I'm a bit of a role playing nerd, and that is more of the description we would use in a description of a game character, and not in a book. You really didn't have to explain what they looked like right after you introduced them. You could have mentioned Emerald's chestnut hair bouncing as she played the game, or something like that.

Gosh, I hate to pick people's work apart, but you definitely need to work on your punctuation to. In some parts you went from one sentence to another, no capitalization, or punctuation.

OK, so now I probably sound like a jerk, so more compliments. I really like the idea of the story! Anything about thirteen-year-olds automatically has my interest! You have to admit, reading about people your age is always more fun... well for me at least. I hope you tidy it up, because I'm really interested in what is coming next!

--- Em
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 47
Wed Sep 05, 2007 6:30 am
berrylique says...



i didn't finish reading it, as my eyes were straining to read clearly.
i will list out the mistakes:

1. you should have paragraphs, like introvert said. the reader will have a difficult time reading it if you just clump everything into a paragraph.

2. i scanned through the first chapter, and i found some spelling mistakes. you would like to use the word check.

3. when somebody says something, it should be a different paragraph altogether. makes it easier to read too. maybe you would like to check out the other authors' works?

4. punctuation and capitalization errors. remember to end you sentences, or separate them with commas(,).

some other errors:
Two kids were playing in a park there was a boy that had flat black hair and brown eyes his name was Danny, and there was a girl named Emereld she had chestnut brown hair and dark brown eyes.
i don't like the way you describe them. you should not describe them like that. maybe you can say, "Emerald's dark brown eyes widened when she spotted the 3rd grade bully, Michael."

These two kids are best friends they knew eachother since they were born and so they were in a park.
erm, does knowing each other since birth have anything to do with being in a park?

i shall go no further. i really hope you will tidy up this piece, and i will come back and have a look at it.
'follow the notes upon a journey,
at first sight marks one's destiny.
when the voyage comes to an end,
return lies within hasty keys.'
  








Nobody wants to see the village of the happy people.
— Lew Hunter