Young Writers Society

“Shut up!” Thedi screamed at the small, quivering man on his knees before her. Her eyes danced with flames. She crouched down so she was at his level, her tight red dress scrunched up around her waist. She composed herself and brought her voice back to its seductive tone.
“I’m going to ask you one more time; where is she?” The man looked up, stared her in the eyes and spit blood off to the side, but did not speak this time. Thedi screamed and stomped her foot. The ground shook violently and the man had to put his hands on the floor to keep from falling. Wind screamed right along with her, coming from all directions. Her blonde, almost white hair flew up all around her. The man’s eyes were filled with fear. With a snap of her delicate fingers he was gone, disintegrated into nothingness. She adjusted her dress, smoothed her hair back down and walked off down the abandoned subway. The sound of her black pumps clicking on the cement echoed off the walls along with the sound of her crackling laugh.

Hello GrenadeCatcher!

This was very action-packed for such a small excerpt. That's impressive. You asked us to tear this apart, so...here I go. Don't worry, I'm very nice.

I've quoted your passage, and now I'm going to go through and highlight (in green) some things that I think you could take another look at. Also, I wanted to show you how you can separate the dialogue from the descriptions to make reading much easier for your audience and also break up the blocks of text so that it flows better. It's something I had to learn when I first started posting on YWS.

“Shut up!” Thedi screamed at the small, quivering man on his knees before her.

Her eyes danced with flames. She crouched down so she was at his level, her tight red dress scrunched up around her waist. She composed herself and brought her voice back to its seductive tone.

“I’m going to ask you one more time; where is she?”

The man looked up, stared her in the eyes and spit blood off to the side, but did not speak this time. Thedi screamed and stomped her foot. The ground shook violently and the man had to put his hands on the floor to keep from falling.

Wind screamed right along with her, coming from all directions. Her blonde, almost white hair flew up all around her. The man’s eyes were filled with fear. With a snap of her delicate fingers he was gone, disintegrated into nothingness. (I suggest using a hyphen between gone and disintegrated. It adds emphasis.)

She adjusted her dress, smoothed her hair back down, and walked off down the abandoned subway. (The repetition of "down" in this one sentence sounds a little off. You might want to take the first one out since it isn't really needed once you have stated that she smoothed her hair back. It is implied that her hair will be "down" to normal.) The sound of her black pumps clicking on the cement echoed off the walls, along with the sound of her crackling laugh.

I added two commas in there (in green as well) and you no doubt can see that I had some notes as to why I highlighted some of the things I did. Overall, I thought the prologue, while short, was very well put together. There weren't any spelling errors, and despite the nitpicks I did make, I thought it was a nice piece of work.

As to the plot, I can't really make any suggestions. We aren't given enough to go on to make those kind of judgments, but from what I read, I assumed Thedi was a demon, correct? If that's the case, I think you did a very fine job of characterizing her as someone unsavory. The red dress, flaming eyes, white hair, seductive voice, and last echoing laughter after she had "disintegrated" a man all add up to someone I wouldn't want to cross.

If you have any questions about my review, feel free to PM me or leave a message on my Wall. I'm always willing to talk about projects and I would be happy to review your next post.

Happy Writing!
Bailey

Why not try putting space on your next chapters, but good start.

Why not try putting space on your next chapters, but good start.

I write all of my things on Microsoft Word first then copy and paste them here, which automatically gets rid of the spaces for some reason. I'll go through and push enter where necessary.

We aren't given enough to go on to make those kind of judgments, but from what I read, I assumed Thedi was a demon, correct?

She happens to be the Devil... The Devil... The D...Thedi... Starting to see something yet?