Young Writers Society

The 3rd chapter in my saga!
Look at the Novel itself for all of the chapters.


August 9th 1963, 1100 Hours
We stared at our helpless James as he sat, eyes wide, in a small wooden chair. There were many chinks and chunks knocked out of it. The NVA interrogator was pointing a small 9mm pistol to his head. He was interrogating him for where the rest of his squad was. He repeated that we were dead over and over again, causing him to be punched right across the face. His mouth began to bleed and he looked like he was about to vomit. He was facing me and Ben, watching our every move. His eyes inched towards the door to his left.

I nodded. We slowly snuck around the house and found the door. Ben and I screwed our suppressors into place. We barged into the house, tackling the interrogator. I hit him with the butt of my gun, knocking him out, and then I shot him.
"Are you alright?" asked Benjamin.
"Yeah, but we need to get out of here! This place is run by madmen!" James replied.
I myself was not alright. I had just killed a man. His family will grieve for their lost son, husband, and father. This war felt wrong. That thought was just about to change.

We ran out the front door, pushing our way through the crowd. A whole group of NVA soldiers chased us until we hit the woods. Then they began to fire at us. Tmmp! I was sickened as I watched a bullet zip right through Ben's back, blood splashing out of his belly. He fell to the ground, groaning, trying to hold back the tears. The blood soaked through his camouflage, pooling under him.

"BEN!" cried James. His face was soaked in tears. I am sure that my face looked the same as his. James would not leave without Ben, so he lugged him on his back, as if there had been a chance of survival.
"Come on man, hang on! You have GOT to hang on!" James kept saying.
The gunfire continued as we tried to escape the horrible tunnel.

Ben kept yelping in pain as we trampled through the wood, tripping and falling on roots hidden by the soggy, wet leaves.
Just a few kilometers was a hidden American headquarters for emergency backup and med-evac.

We ran hard and fast, getting mud all over our legs. The bogs slowed us down, but we kept our determination. Now, I do not feel any guilt after shooting that NVA soldier after he shot my own friend. That will teach him to mess with the USA!
We panted, gasping for breath. We had run for kilos without stopping. That was probably enough for a day.
"Are you OK?" James whispered to Ben.
"Yeah, I just really need to get to HQ." said Ben, weakly, "I am bleeding to death!"
"Fine... Let's go Sergeant!"
"I'm comin'!" I yelled, frustrated.
"Well!" James replied, aggravated.
We carried on with our mission, getting dizzy along the way.

I sung this on the way, quietly of course.
♫ Dashing through the swamp ♫
♫ With one man about to die ♫
♫ Through the grass HQ taunts ♫
♫ All of us do cry ♫
♫ Pins on guns do ring ♫
♫ Making spirits low ♫
♫ What heartless thing it is to do ♫
♫ To shoot our friend in the gut! ♫

Our journey was tiring, boring, and action not-packed. Finally, we made it to the hidden stone door.
We knocked 7 times and pounded on the eighth. That was the secret knock.
The boulder slowly swung out as three American soldiers pushed it out of the way.
"Sergeant Osprey, James, and is that... BEN?!" cried the Commander when he saw Ben's body hanging over James' shoulder.
"I got... shot" Ben explained, with barely any breath left in him.
"Come on then! Get him to the Medic. If that doesn't work, we will have to call in a Med-evac!"
We lay him down on the small stretcher they made from vines, soft leaves, and branches for support.
"Thank you so much..." Ben said. He coughed up a couple drops of blood, nothing too bad.
At least we were all safe, especially Ben.
This was a great, frightful day.

To be Continued...

Alright, as much as I want to make this as positive as possible... I'm not going to lie...

This chapter seemed a little rushed. I mean, I get what's going on, but the descriptions, the feelings, the characters' emotions... they were just all a little too sudden and out of the blue.

Don't worry though, when you're a writing bee, you tend to over-look (or, rather, over-write) these little details. (Thats what YWS is for! Teeheehee!)

I'll give you an example:

I myself was not alright. I had just killed a man. His family will grieve for their lost son, husband, and father. This war thing seemed so wrong, but felt so right.

To me, this feeling/thought/emotion came too out of the blue. Perhaps, when he shoots the man, he hesitates, or thinks about the consequence of him killing the NVA before he does kill him.

Here's another one:

He was fighting for his life but he had such a burden, he gave up. He could not move any further. His breathing slowed as he lost more and more blood, pooling just under him.

This one is more of a "odd description in the middle of action" issue. If I was running from a group of troops, and my squad mate's foot got blown off... well, I wouldn't take the time to notice that his breathing slowed as he lost blood that pooled under him, I would be noticing the fact that the soldiers were still behind me, they'd blown my friend's foot off, and my other squad mate was running back for him. Perhaps spicing it up a little bit... giving it a little bit more gruesome, yet still fast-paced description. In a time of action, short sentences always work best (they keep the readers eyes rolling across the page), and small words usually hit home harder.

Other than that... all this chapter needs is a little TLC, and it can be up to the level of your others in no time

On a lighter note - the first paragraph of this chapter was great. Nice descriptions, and it clearly showed us what James was feeling.

Cheers!

-Mazey
(P.S. I wrote this review in a sort of sleepless state of awareness... so if something made no sense whatsoever, please don't be afraid to PM me about it )

Edit: I'm so sorry! I don't know why, but my review posted twice! (Grr, how much do I want to bet that it's my slow internet connection due to this crazy weather?)

Mazey wrote:What you said.

I understand what you mean. This chapter was in a rush. I was bored and felt like putting some serious action into it!
I am going to edit out the part where Ben is killed. That would corrupt the title: Three Troops

I edited it to have a much longer alternate ending. I added a little tune to it.
Unusual huh?

Aeropostale wrote:

Mazey wrote:What you said.

I understand what you mean. This chapter was in a rush. I was bored and felt like putting some serious action into it!
I am going to edit out the part where Ben is killed. That would corrupt the title: Three Troops

Still need to find the time to read and reveiw these two chapters to help you out, but just reading this.. it wouldn't corrupt the tile but it is to early to have ben killed, because if he is killed then it would leavfe only two left to die! You cna keep the the title and have it conterdicted... take the book six graved to munich for example, they all die, but they are alive in the begging... I know that doesn't make much sense but still you got to understand the concept that main charaters cant die this early! =p but they can die!

MaskedPoet wrote:

Aeropostale wrote:

Mazey wrote:What you said.

I understand what you mean. This chapter was in a rush. I was bored and felt like putting some serious action into it!
I am going to edit out the part where Ben is killed. That would corrupt the title: Three Troops

Still need to find the time to read and reveiw these two chapters to help you out, but just reading this.. it wouldn't corrupt the tile but it is to early to have ben killed, because if he is killed then it would leavfe only two left to die! You cna keep the the title and have it conterdicted... take the book six graved to munich for example, they all die, but they are alive in the begging... I know that doesn't make much sense but still you got to understand the concept that main charaters cant die this early! =p but they can die!

I know. I just edited it.

After I edited the ending to the story, I added a completely different story!
I hope you like it! I know I did.

Just wanted to say that I liked the edit

The song was interesting and different. I liked it.

I also liked the fact that Ben didn't die in this one. I agree with MakedPoet - he should be around in the story for just a little bit longer before you decide to kill him off. (Muahahahaha)

Hahahaha, have a great day.

Cheers!

-Mazey