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Young Writers Society


Chapter One - 17 Years Later



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Sun Jan 02, 2011 4:34 pm
RachelW says...



Reviews and advice welcome! :D


Chapter One - Seventeen Years Later

My name is Zam Turner. Note: Zam with a Z, not an S. I'm seventeen years old. I’m a typical teenager but this is not your typical bedtime story. It is not a romance of boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, vice versa, happy ending. Nor are there vampires or demons haunting the pages.

Sorry to all you Dracula fans.

I don’t mean anything by it, but this story is real, it’s not a fantasy. Sometimes I wish it were. I lie awake at night, replaying the events that got us here over and over and over. It’s a never ending cycle. The thoughts come alive and wander through the maze which is my head.

Dreaming. It’s a dream that started this.

Corruptive

Destructive

Sadistic

Just trust me on this now? Don’t dream. Oh yes, you may say that dreams can represent hope. Everyone dreams. Yes, everyone dreams. They didn't used to, but now everyone does. But everyone has nightmares too. And it’s those sorts of “dreams” that did it. Did this.
So people are scared to dream, we don't want this to happen again. One person with The Power and now we are helpless. I try not to dream anymore, everyone does. Most people are successful, they go to the Cull, the one person with the power to make you forget. Man, you can hear the screams a mile off.

But they always come back.

Sure, their eyes are lifeless and betray no emotion. Indeed, their skin looks like wax melted under a flame, hanging off in folds, as if they have aged fifty years. And yes, if you call their names: “Scarlet! Francis! Patsy!” ...they do not acknowledge you or even glance your way. They move around the dirt tracks like zombies. Only they are not zombies, as I promised, there are no creatures of the night. But at least they do not have to dream.

I don’t want to end up like that. So I stay put. Most people have gone insane, driven mad by their own thoughts and desperation. They come in the dead of night, once every month – I can tell it’s night because although there is no light or dark – the wrist watch Annie bought me for my twelfth birthday still works. They come with their loud voices and blazing torches, dressed in the material we cannot afford: silk, denim and even cotton. They burn down our ramshackle houses, not that you can really call them that. They steal away the insane, the crazies, the elderly and we never see them again. Then shoot the ones who haven’t made it back for curfew – 8pm sharp - in the middle of the street, then laughing they take their pick of the women and ride away till next month.

The few hours after they go, our community is in bigger tatters then originally. We band together though, us that are still sane, and clear away the rubble and destruction. Our faces mirror each other, ashen, eyes sunken and red, bags under the eyes. This is through lack of sleep. No one wants to dream. We cover the dead bodies with anything we can find, and then burn them. We used to hold small funerals in the beginning, before the death toll rose so high. Now we don’t bother. Most have no family left to hold a service.

I guess you could say I’m one of the lucky one. I’m not crazy. Yet. And though I dream, they are never that painful. My father died before it happened, but my mother is still here. Her body is still heer, and half of her mind is. She is slowly and surely loosing it. I know I sound insensitive. But maybe it is for the best, she is in such pain. And I still have my best friend with me. Her name is Maddlyn, Maddy or Mads for short. We joke about that, Mads, but she isn’t mad.
She is the sanest person I know; and she is beautiful with big, innocent fir green eyes. They hold laughter within them, but at times also great sadness. Her hair is a brilliant auburn colour, which she always wears scraped back into a feminine ponytail. Her lips are full and her cheekbones well defined. I can’t say much about her body, cos I don’t really look. That much. But she is my best friend, has been for twelve years. She’s the person who keeps me sane.

And then there's my sister. Annie. She got out before it happened, got a scholarship to some university in Japan. She’s always wanted to go there. I wonder if she knows what is going on, if she misses me. I miss her a hell of a lot, she was the person I was closest to, second only to Maddlyn. And Annie’s boyfriend, Karl was always great to be around. He was like a brother to me, but he went with her to Japan, the last we heard of them was on January 13th.
The day before NID happened.
Last edited by RachelW on Sun Jan 02, 2011 8:07 pm, edited 4 times in total.
I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul -Invictus
  





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Sun Jan 02, 2011 5:53 pm
StoryWeaver13 says...



Okay, so this is pretty awesome. I pretty have no complaints plot-wise so far except that maybe you could clarify what's happening a little more...but it's the prologue, so no rush. The only other thing is that I think it would've been a good idea to not just introduce people, place and situation, but also to introduce a whatever the further complex of the story will be. Leave us on the brink of some big altering situation. Of course, I don't know your story, so I can't say where this should be headed, but it just seems like it needs to go somewhere. Other than that I like your style; your voice is dynamic and keeps us interested. Plus, this is my kind of story, so if you're ever looking for a review on the next chapters just drop me a message. Your story = so far, so good.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket
  





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Sun Jan 02, 2011 6:51 pm
Lauren2010 says...



Hey RachelW!

Oh, the prologue. One bit of fiction that is really hard to write really well. In this review I'm going to concentrate on the piece as a whole rather than nitpicking through (nitpicking is overrated anyway ;)). So, let's get into it, shall we?

Content
While it is often thought that a prologue should be a "teaser" of sorts and give the reader just enough information to hook them, it isn't always so true. A prologue should definitely hook the reader, as the first pages of any story should hook a reader, but the prologue also serves its own very special purpose that makes it a valuable addition to a story.

Let's say you have an extensive history/back story/a lot of important events have already transpired before the first events of your story. It can be hard to sprinkle these in around the first chapters so that the reader is given the information without a big info dump and that they are able to understand the events that are happening now in the context of what has already happened.

In this case, a prologue is a great way to tell about all this stuff in one place so that you can move on and start the actual story in chapter one. Now, a prologue - at least not in my idea - is not a place for a hook (think the "prologues" in the Twilight series, if you have read them) or really for introductions. I'd suggest moving any introduction of Zam and his friends/family to the first chapter, so you can bring it right into when Zam's story really starts going.

Clarity and Pacing
Alright, you have a seriously cool idea here but it's masked and jumbled beneath the words. It starts out introducing the main character, and then he starts talking about his dreams. This alone makes it seem that his dreams specifically are significant to the plot and something the reader should know about. But then, the prologue switches to talking about everyones dreams, and then about some devastating event and everyone going crazy. This is where it starts to make less sense to me. The story just changes so quickly, and everything surrounding what has happened and the craziness and the dreaming is all so vague and confusing it makes it hard for me to start to feel invested and involved in the story.

I would suggest refocusing this prologue on whatever this devastating event was, especially if it was significantly before what will be the first events in the first chapter. You can go into however much detail you feel appropriate and give the reader a feel for what has happened. It may even work to not even introduce Zam until the beginning of the first chapter. Just a thought.

One last thing
I know I said I wasn't going to nitpick, but I just had one thing I wanted to say.

Sorry to all you Edward Cullen fans.

This is dating your story. By making reference to things specific of a current generation puts a date on the story and will only be pertinent as long as whatever it was stays popular. If this story were to be read a hundred years from now, it is more than likely that no one would have the faintest idea who Edward Cullen is. Of course, that's an extreme example, and it really isn't that big of an issue (people mention specific books, movies, songs, etc in stories all the time). It's just something to think about if you're trying to make a specific point. If the story sticks around for a long time, the point may carry less weight as readers forget about popular things from the past.

All that being said, I think this is a really interesting idea and you certainly have the skills to craft a sentence well. All it comes down to is practice and learning. As writers we are all constantly learning and constantly practicing and constantly improving.

Good luck and definitely keep writing!

-Lauren-

P.S. If you have any questions, or would desire another review, just send a PM my way and I'll do my best! :)
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Thu Jan 06, 2011 9:55 pm
bookworm27 says...



RachelW wrote:Reviews and advice welcome! :D


Chapter One - Seventeen Years Later

My name is Zam Turner. Teehee, I love starting with a note to the reader. It's so cozy!Note: Zam with a Z, not an S. I'm seventeen years old. I’m a typical teenager but this is not your typical bedtime story. It is not a romance of boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, vice versa, happy ending. Nor are there vampires or demons haunting the pages.

Sorry to all you Dracula fans.

I don’t mean anything by it, but this story is real, it’s not a fantasy. Sometimes I wish it were. I lie awake at night, replaying the events that got us here over and over and over. It’s a never ending cycle. The thoughts come alive and wander through the maze which is my head.

Dreaming. It’s a dream that started this.

Corruptive

Destructive

Sadistic

Just trust me on this now? Don’t dream. Oh yes, youI do like the coziness of it all, but saying you too much is a bit tiresome may say that dreams can represent hope. Everyone dreams. Yes, everyone dreams. They didn't used to, but now everyone does. But everyone has nightmares too. And it’s those sorts of “dreams” that did it. Did this.
SoEek! FANBOYS alert! people are scared to dream, we don't want this to happen again. One person with The Power and now we are helpless. I try not to dream anymore, everyone does. Most people are successful, they go to the Cull, the one person with the power to make you forget. Man, you can hear the screams a mile off.

But they always come back.Goosebumps!

Sure, their eyes are lifeless and betray no emotion. Indeed, their skin looks like wax melted under a flame, hanging off in folds, as if they have aged fifty years. And yes, if you call their names: “Scarlet! Francis! Patsy!” ...they do not acknowledge you or even glance your way. They move around the dirt tracks like zombies. Only they are not zombies, as I promised, there are no creatures of the night. But at least they do not have to dream. Nice ending! You're good at those!

I don’t want to end up like that. So I stay put. Most people have gone insane, driven mad by their ownI like this sentence, but I see so much potential for it! I want to love it, but better adjectives are needed thoughts and desperation. They come in the dead of night, once every month – I can tell it’s night because although there is no light or dark – the wrist watch Annie bought me for my twelfth birthday still works. They come with their loud voices and blazing torches, dressed in the material wewho who who is we? cannot afford: silk, denim and even cotton. They burn down our ramshackle houses, not that you can really call them that. They steal away the insane, the crazies, the elderly and we never see them again. Then shoot the ones who haven’t made it back for curfew – 8pm sharp - in the middle of the street, then laughing they take their pick of the women and ride away till next month.

The few hours after they go, our community is in bigger tatters then originally. We band together though, us that are still sane, and clear away the rubble and destruction. Our faces mirror each other, ashen, eyes sunken and red, bags under the eyes. This is through lack of sleep. No one wants to dream. We cover the dead bodies with anything we can find, and then burn them. We used to hold small funerals in the beginning, before the death toll rose so high. Now we don’t bother. Most have no family left to hold a service.
Side comment, I like how the sentences are choppy-it adds to the tension, but make sure to have a balance
I guess you could say I’m one of the lucky one. I’m not crazy. Yet. And though I dream, they are never that painful. My father died before it happened, but my mother is still here. Her body is still heer, and half of her mind is. She is slowly and surely loosing it. I know I sound insensitive. But maybe it is for the best, she is in such pain. And I still have my best friend with me. Her name is Maddlyn, Maddy or Mads for short. We joke about that, Mads, but she isn’t mad.
She is the sanest person I know; and she is beautiful with big, innocent fir green eyes. They hold laughter within them, but at times also great sadness. Her hair is a brilliant auburn colour, which she always wears scraped back into a feminine ponytail. Her lips are full and her cheekbones well defined. I can’t say much about her body, cos I don’t really look. That much. But she is my best friend, has been for twelve years. She’s the person who keeps me sane.

And then there's my sister. Annie. She got out before it happened, got a scholarship to some university in Japan. She’s always wanted to go there. I wonder if she knows what is going on, if she misses me. I miss her a hell of a lot, she was the person I was closest to, second only to Maddlyn. And Annie’s boyfriend, Karl was always great to be around. He was like a brother to me, but he went with her to Japan, the last we heard of them was on January 13th.
The day before NID happened.Eeks! J'adore! It leaves me with the urgency to read what happens next!
“Maybe it’s fate that Hound ate the map. Maybe we’ll discover soemthing wonderful while we’re lost.”-The Penderwicks
  








Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, you eat for a day. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.
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