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Caleb's story, chapter two



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Sat Dec 25, 2010 6:02 am
psudiname says...



Chapter two: the sergeant


"Damn it's cold."

"Oh shut up, you've been saying that ever since we got here."

"But it is."

"Yes private Einstein, we've established that it's cold. It's Alaska, it's supposed to be cold," said Johnson, wrapping his flimsy military issue coat even tighter around his freezing body.


The two men sat around a weakly burning campfire, shivering and teasing each other. Talking was the only thing that kept most of the soldiers sane, so even when there was nothing to talk about, they came up with something.

"Look sharp you two, it's your day for k.p. and the men need lunch," said sergeant McClellan.

"Alright we're going," moaned the privates.

"That means now."

"Yes sir," they said blandly.


Sergeant McClellan was a man who deserved respect, and always got it. His men would probably follow him off a cliff if he asked them to, due to their sheer awe of his character and leadership skills. He was a witty man, who seemed to speak the right words always at the right time. quick on his feet, the sergeant had gotten his company out of more scrapes than they could count, and the only reason he hadn't been promoted was because of Uncle Sam's lack of observance and willingness to give him high priority missions. if the U.S government knew what this man was made of, he could do America a great service. Until then, he would continue to lead bravo company in combat on the most vicious battlefield of the war, Alaska.


Having been receiving reports, orders, and forms all day from command, McClellan was exhausted. When he was exhausted, there were ordinarily only two things that would sooth him. Whiskey and hearing jokes. Considering that whisky was not distributed by the U.S. government, McClellan had to settle for humor, and there was one place he knew he could get that.


"Ten hut!" one of the troops shouted upon seeing the sergeant enter the rec. tent.
McClellan surveyed the card game going on, and instead of telling his men to be at ease, like usual, he demanded, "who's cards are these?"

"Mine sir," timidly replied a corporal, surprised to see him looking so angry.
"So maybe you can answer a question for me corporal," his voice laced with a cold anger. "Are you really that bad at poker? Wow Pete, you've lost like ten desserts, if would have figured that if you own the cards you might actually be a decent poker player."


Immediately the group let out a collective breath. Realizing that he was messing with them, they cheerily invited him to join the game, and he obliged happily. Soon the men were cracking jokes and betting meals; trying to stay sane in the hellish world of war.

"Hey wanna' hear a joke?"

"Sure."

"Communism."


The men laughed, and started another round of poker.

"Hey, how many soviets does it take to screw in a ligh-?"


The sound of gunfire drowned out the end of the joke.

"Move!" shouted McClellan, "everyone find some cover!"


The men bolted out of the tent, grabbing their rifles and alerting the other troops. Soviets were coming over the hill near the camp and McClellan could hear the crack of machine gun fire and the bullets hitting the ground. Taking cover behind a sandbag wall at the edge of the camp, he assessed the situation. Organizing his company, the sergeant began to push the soviets back, and sent several squads around to flank them. A bullet whistled by his ear as he shouted commands to his troops. He had been inches from death so many times in the last couple minutes that it didn't even feel real. Ultimately these near death experiences would not phase him until his body stopped pumping adrenaline.


Finally, after twenty minutes of brutal combat, in which the sergeant lost two men and sustained five casualties, his company forced the enemy into a retreat. When the soviets were gone, McClellan ordered that the fallen Russian soldiers be stripped of their weapons and anything else useful they were carrying.

"Johnson, check that one," said McClellan.


As private Johnson began to search a Russian body, it sprang into action. In less than a second, the soldier pulled a knife from his ankle and stabbed the private in the leg. Screaming in pain, Johnson shot his already wounded assailant repeatedly with his machine gun, until blood covered both of them. The sergeant began to apply pressure on the wound, and suddenly realized how serious it was.

"You're going to make it soldier," McClellan said, in his most convincing voice, but Johnson knew. The blade had pierced his femoral artery, and McClellan could feel gushes of blood pushing against his hand like water from a faucet.

"It was an honor serving sir," the man coughed, before laying dead in a pool of blood. The sergeant was racked with pain, but was so numb from battle that he just sat there frozen. He reminded himself that he had to stay strong for his men, and attempted to steel himself against the misery of the recent loss. A single tear fell from his face, turning to ice as it hit the ground.

--- if you're still following, make sure to check out the third chapter and vote in it's poll, linked here topic73817.html ---
Last edited by psudiname on Tue Dec 28, 2010 1:22 am, edited 1 time in total.
if anyone wants a review, post on my profile and I'll get to it in a couple days.
  





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Sat Dec 25, 2010 7:23 am
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wonderland says...



Alright, so, you needed more. You needed more description, and more explanitions. (Example.
it's your day for k.p.

What is K.P?
Why are they in Alaska?) You need more of the soldiers thoughts and emotions, espically from your MC. What is he thinking? Why is he thinking such things?

Other then that, though, it was alright, If you clear those things up, it'd be great
~WIckedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*
  





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Sun Dec 26, 2010 6:50 am
StoryWeaver13 says...



Thanks for reviewing the 2nd chapter of my novel. Now to return the favor. :)

Okay, so the biggest point in improving this is description. Everyone's voice is different, but it's good to embellish things with a decent amount of detail. A lot of dialogue can be good for sharp and quick comic reliefs in writing, especially after a really long and somber point, but if this kind of dialogue fills out most of the writing it can make it a little two-dimensional and bring out a false feeling to what the characters are saying. Remember that writing is a lot like actual communication - this means that 95% of what's being said is communicated through body language. If you deprive us of that in your writing, there's that gap. Now I'm just kind of rambling, so I'll get to where I'm going already. Description also is a must for areas like this -

"Look sharp you two, it's your day for k.p. and the men need lunch," said sergeant McClellan.
K.P.?


And the other reviewer was lost too about this. Give us more of the character's reaction so we can understand. Really, that's all I'm trying to say with just about all of this - give us more reaction. Cause and effect. Act out the scene that's in your head if you have to, because I know there's a good idea rattling around in there; now you've just got to portray it so that we're receiving the same picture as you.

Well...clearly I haven't had enough sleep and need to stop rambling. Hope this was at least a little help.

Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket
  





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Sun Dec 26, 2010 10:49 pm
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HIGHWHITESOCKS says...



HIGHWHITESOCKS again! Now, let me see about this chapter . . .

First off, a good note, I like the communism joke. It's only a little tic-tac in the big candy bowl of the whole chapter, but it adds quite a bit more character to the soldiers, I think. It really shows their views about the whole situation. Good choice on that part.

I agree with your other two reviewers as well, description is the biggest bug in this chapter (I think description probably is your weakness as an author, but it's okay, I'm not great with it either. I know it probably feels like rambling if you describe things for too long, or too much, but you can't have too little either). Let me give you a few ideas to spark your creativity:

You give a good base character of Sergeant McClellan, but he could use a little bit more. You don't even have to sum him up in one paragraph, show us little tidbits of his character throughout the whole chapter. He sounds like an impressive guy, maybe tell us why he's so impressive (what are some of his great exploits from his military career? how long has he been with bravo company? in the military in general? what's he like on the battlefield and off?) The whiskey and jokes idea is good, it gives us an idea of how stressed he gets. Use your other soldiers more too, even if they're just rag dolls for McClellan to interact with to show more detail, or if they're just around to invoke response from other things. Use them!

Describe the battle more, tell us why it's so intense. What makes Alaska such a brutal battlefield? How do the Russians fight? How do the Americans respond? What's their attitude like while fighting? There's a lot you could be telling. (The bullet whizzing by someone's ear phrase has whizzed by my ear quite a few times. Maybe try something else, it's a little used).

Something else, I couldn't tell that they were in America now for about the first third of the chapter. Once again, descriptions are your best friend (tell us that they're in a snow-filled basin, a pine forest surrounding them on the east, and high, rocky foothills in the south, something like that! Really make us feel where we are).

You're chapters are obese with potential, you just have to tap into it more. Maybe even just spend some time developing your characters when you aren't writing. Flesh them out in mind, body, and spirit, make me care about them, and want to keep reading about them. You've got a good thing going here, so keep writing, take my advice to heart, and I hope to see chapter three soon!

- HIGHWHITESOCKS
Would you kindly?
  





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Fri Dec 31, 2010 12:42 pm
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ArcticMonkey says...



Hey, here to review again!
Overall Impression:
I don’t think I’ll need a Spoiler this time because I didn’t notice any grammar issues, well done! However, I know that grammar isn’t very important in a story, so I’m going to stop talking about it. I like this chapter better in terms of pacing, but there are still some things that need to be improved.

Character:
Caleb: If I’m being honest, I haven’t learnt much more about him, it’s something I’d like to. I can tell what he’s like by the way he reacts to things, but I haven’t learnt much. On the brighter note, you’ve kept him very consistent. Remember that character creates conflict. In a characters development he or she might overcome:
lack of courage or inner doubts
lack of ethics
learning to love guilt
trauma from the past
errors in thinking, etc.
So, just remember that.

Sergeant McClellan: You’ve made quite a good character of McClellan, however, he could use more. Again, this is a novel, you pace it out as you go, like I said in your previous chapter, it’s exciting for the readers when we find out things we didn’t know about a character mid-way of a story, and it could help with the plot twists.
Sorry I haven’t really written a lot about character this time 
Plot (so far):
This story is shaping quite nicely, however at times, I really don’t know what is going on. I’ll explain in more detail why in ‘Wording and Pace’. I can tell what you’re trying to get us readers to think from this story, but make sure to think about all the aspects of novel writing. You’ve got a plot, not you need the techniques to make it work.
Wording and Pace:
Paceing was very good in this chapter,I don’t really have any complaints about it. As for wording, you need to stop telling and start showing. This article here shows how you can show and not tell effectively. So, try and check it out if you can, it will probably help this story if you take on board some of the advice given.
I hope I helped!
~Tamara :) x
Sorry this review is rather short, also, I read a few articles to help me with this review so some of the things I've said are from articles which I've read up on. Just to let you know ;)
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Sat Jan 01, 2011 2:21 am
WaywardBird says...



At the beggining of this story, the guards don't sound enthusastic to obey Sergent McClellan, when he is supposed to be a great leader. Perhaps a little bit more haggard humor to them, or animation, that might help. other than that, it's pretty good.
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I’d heard he had started a fistfight in one of the seedier local taverns because someone had insisted on saying the word “utilize” instead of “use".
— Patrick Rothfuss, A Wise Man's Fear