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Young Writers Society


Cartora (Prologue)



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Gender: Female
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Tue Dec 14, 2010 6:48 pm
Mikko says...



There hadn't been a storm. No thunder or lightning. No wild sea. Nothing. The sea was so calm as no wind was blowing over it, not even the slightest breeze that could tickle the hairs on a man's arm. Actually, the storm was just a battle between war-thirsty human beings, that decided that the earth was not large enough.

I don't remember who the two quarrelling parties were. I just remember being on-board on one of the ships, below-deck, reading one of my favourite novels: Jilly Norsen- the story of a young girl, around my age who left her father's castle to live with her mother where she learned many wonderful things and became famous for her intriguing intelligence. There was a loud crash sound, that surprised me and that led me to hearing the sound of water dripping whilst I was reading. At first the pitter-patter of the drops was as if they were hitting the wooden deck of the ship. But soon I was hearing a different rhythm- it was going faster and faster and sounded different, as if they were dropping in a container already full of water.

The words in Jilly Norsen began smudging together. They turned into ponds of black ink as drops of water landed on the pages. When I looked down at the floor, the room was already flooded with sea water and, since my feet did not touch the ground yet, I was surrounded. I was my own island with the chair. I wanted to see what was going on outside, but I had been told to not step out until someone came to get me. I'm a very stubborn girl, and curious too, so I decided to step down from the chair, and I asked myself why the ocean had decided to ruin my belongings- my cabin.
"Luna! Luna, darling, they have attacked us! They have bombed the ship and we have been hit! We're sinking, dear, so I hope you haven't forgotten the swimming lessons that I've given you." Edwin Carter was my personal tutor that I treated like my best friend or like a member of the family because he'd been helping me from an early age. He'd taught me how to talk, walk, read, sing, write, dance, swim and even how to ride a horse- but what I needed at that particular time was to remember how to swim.

I tucked my dress into my underwear, tied my long, brown hair back and locked up all my jewelry in one of my suit cases which Edwin had decided to hold for me. We didn't have much time left before the ship was swallowed up by the sea, but I managed to sneak a little prayer before throwing myself into the water.
Our swimming pool at home wasn't half as deep as the level of the sea of course, I wasn't used to not letting my feet touch the bottom. Scared, I threw my arms around wildly, thinking that it would get me somewhere which of course, it didn't. Poor Edwin, holding so many things and swimming at the same time, struggling to help me to make it to shore which was far out of my eye-sight and seemed to be getting futher and further out of reach, the little trees in the distance drifted out of my view, more sea water was entering my mouth and lungs, and soon, everything went dark.

I woke up with Edwin pressing my chest and making water squirt out of my mouth like a fountain. The sun, flashing its dashing rays straight into my eyes, was blinding me; I couldn't even see Edwin properly, just make out his shape and his wet strands of hair. When I was back to full consciousness, I went for a walk on the shore we were stranded on. I found Jilly Norsen- she had been on a new adventure through the sea. I found only one of my three suitcases, lying in the sand and Edwin's passenger briefcase. And I found Edwin. He was sitting with his shirt in the sun and his trousers rolled up to his knees- he seemed to be concentrating very hard on a piece of metal he was holding in his hands. A heart locket, with the photograph inside.
"Ellie," He said, "you remember her, don't you?" He spoke without looking up at me.
"Your...fiancée. Of course I remember her. 'Just...'just that I don't remember anything else apart from that you're Edwin, that's Ellie and I'm Luna...and that this is an island. But what are we doing here? Ed, it is as if I have a huge hole in my head." At the time, I had completely forgotten my entire existence and how I had ended up on that island, how I had been shipwrecked. It was then that Eddie told me, then that he revealed to me the whole story.
Last edited by Mikko on Wed Feb 16, 2011 5:09 pm, edited 5 times in total.
when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams
  





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43 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1884
Reviews: 43
Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:33 pm
deirdredawne says...



An interesting prologue to say the least. Historical no doubt, i am quite intrigued.

I find some of the descriptions run on and cuse more editing. I imagine this is one of your first drafts. Spacing would help just for ease of reading. But aside from that I mostly just look forward to reading more!
  





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152 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2634
Reviews: 152
Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:41 pm
Mikko says...



Thank you! It's my first time on this site and I just had to write a little something as an opening to this new site. So thank you for your help! :)
when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams
  





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Tue Dec 14, 2010 10:35 pm
elephantwalrus says...



Hi there! Welcome to YWS!
This piece is intriguing. I love the characters; for some reason, I imagine them talking in British accents, and it makes me happy. Anyway, a couple of thoughts for the editing process: your sense of movement from one action to the other is a little rushed. You can lengthen the struggle of Luna having to wade through water to find her tutor, and you can describe the action and chaos on deck and in the water more as well. Also, she should probably hear the ship being attacked at some point; it would make more sense that she knows there is danger than her being completely clueless.

There were some word choices that I thought were awkward or had the wrong connotation. I'll highlight them in red and provide a brief explanation:

They have bombed the ship and we have been touched! -I think you mean "hit." "Touched" is too gentle a word to imply bombing :)

I asked myself why the ocean had decided to attack my belongings- "attack" is too strong of a word; "soak" or "envelope" or something gentler would work better here.

I woke up with Edwin pounding on my chest - I think "pounding" is a bit too strong of a word here. Maybe "press?" I don't know the medical word to use here.

Geronimo! I would cut this completely. Though cute, it distracts from the serious nature of the situation.

"Your...girlfriend, of course I remember her. I got the impression that this was a piece set in a different era, so I would change that to "fiancee." It sounds classier :)

All in all, I love this piece. I love the cliff-hanger with the amnesia at the end. Keep up the good work, and PM me if you have any questions!
My main project until Script Frenzy is an experiment using blog posts between four characters as episodes of a common story. You can read this work as it progresses at http://knowallchronicles.blogspot.com/.
  








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