Knights of Dawn Prolouge/Pilot

Hey guys! I'm taking a break from Dawn Reports and hopefully will begin on Knights of Dawn (title in progress might change it later). This is only the prologue so feel free to comment as you wish.





"Let her go!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
It did not reply only stared straight into my eyes as it held it's blade ever closer to Sophia's neck. The glare said it all it would do nothing but slit her throat unless I gave this god forsaken creature the Item. The problem was I didn't have it. I never had it.
"I swear with every fiber in my being I will kill you where you stand if you hurt her." My voice was full of command and promise. My eyes full of tears. Though I knew, even through my adrenaline rush, that I stood no chance against it's might. The creature was like nothing I have ever seen. It was dressed in a long jet black and torn leather coat with a deep hood that covered its head and it's face was receded so that the only detail I could make out was it's eyes. The eyes. They burned a deep red and glowed with murder and hate for everything but the Item. The room helped little in giving me any more appearance of the creature then it already had. The room was small, or large, and was candle it, but only the creature and myself were visible. Everywhere I looked was nothing but darkness. I was in a deep abyss surround by depths of oblivion. And I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Only because I was closest to her. I must not let her die. I must destroy this evil in front of me, or all hope will be lost.

I raised my sword with what little strength I had left. It to reviled another blade of its own with it's free hand. Sophia still in it's tight grip. I begin to run at it with great haste. It's eyes seemed fixed not on me but my soul. As I neared ever so close to it I was stopped dead in my tracks. I heard my name being shouted.
"Marcus!" the voice shouted as I heard a constant beep.
"Marcus!" it shouted again and beeps grew more vivid. No not again. No! Not when I'm so close! NO!
"Marcus get your ass out of bed young man! Its almost 7:30 and your not going to be late again! Is this why I bought you a car so you can sleep late?! No sir! Get up now or so help me God..." my mom shouted as I merely looked at her. The threat meant nothing to me. For I would give the world to have that last minute of sleep. The chance to finally free Sophia.
"Yes ma'am I'm getting up." I felt my heart beating and sweat on my forehead. My mom noticed as well.
"Oh Marcus are you alright?" she asked in a bit more settle tone.
"I'm fine mom just fine." I wanted to tell her that I had the dream...again. But I knew she would just tell to go to sleep earlier or stop watching so much T.V. So I left it at that. She walked out the door and I started to get dressed. However, I couldn't get the dream off my mind this was the sixth time its happened always on a Thursday and always ended the same way just before the Dawn. Rather it be though a screaming mother, barking dog, or the beeping of my alarm clock. I could never save Sophia.

But I suppose this matters little for I have another day of school at Rosewood High. Another long day filled with unbearable kids, teachers, and repetition. And a another week before I get another chance to save Sophia.

I will save you Sophia I promise.

Way2Dawn wrote:"Let her go!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
It did not reply only stared straight into my eyes as he first it was an it, now it's a he... held his blade ever closer to Sophia's neck. The glare said it all. It would do nothing but slit her throat unless I gave this god forsaken creature the Item. The problem was I didn't have it. I never had it.
"I swear with every fiber in my being I will kill you where you stand if you hurt her." My voice was full of command and promise. My eyes full of tears. Though I knew, even through my adrenaline rush, that I no stood chance against it's might ok, to me that didn't make sense. that i never stood a chance against its might or i didn't stand a chance against its might or something like that would make more sense. The creature was like nothing I have ever seen. It was dressed in a long jet black and torn leather coat with a deep hood that covered its head and it's it's means it is. its with no apostrophe is what you need there face receded so that the only detail I could make out was it's eyes. The eyes. They burned a deep red and glowed with murder and hate for everything but the Item. The room helped little in giving me any more appearance of the creature then it already had. The room was small, or large, and was candle it, but only the creature and myself were visible. Everywhere I looked was nothing but darkness. I was in a deep abyss surround by depths of oblivion. And wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Only because I was closest to her. I must not let her die. I must destroy this evil in front of me, or all hope will be lost.

I raised my sword with what little strength I had left. It to reviled another blade of its own with it's free hand. Sophia still in it's tight grip. I begin to run at it with great haste. It's eyes seemed fixed not on me but my soul. As I neared ever so close to it I was stopped dead in my tracks. I heard my name being shouted.
"Marcus!" the voice shouted as I heard a constant beep.
"Marcus!" it shouted again and beeps grew more vivid. No not again. No! Not when I'm so close! NO!
"Marcus get your ass out of bed young man! Its almost 7:30 and your not going to be late again! Is this why I bought you a car so you can sleep late? No sir! Get up now or so help me God..." my mom shouted as I merely looked at her. The threat might meant nothing to me. For I would give the world to have that last minute of sleep. The chance to finally free Sophia.
"Yes ma'am I'm getting up." I felt my heart beating and sweat on my forehead. My mom noticed as well.
"Oh Marcus are you alright?" she asked in a bit more settle tone.
"I'm fine, mom, just fine." I wanted to tell her that I had the dream...again. But I knew she would just tell to go to sleep earlier or stop watching so much T.V. So I left it at that. She walked out the door and I started to get dressed. However, I couldn't get the dream off my mind this was the sixth time its happened always on a Thursday and always ended the same way just before the Dawn. Rather it be though a screaming mother, barking dog, or the beeping of my alarm clock. I could never save Sophia.

But I suppose this matters little for I have another day of school at Rosewood High. Another long day filled with unbearable kids, teachers, and repetition. And a another week before I get another chance to save Sophia.

I will save you Sophia I promise.

interesting. but sometimes the way Marcus tells the story doesn't seem the way a teenage boy would talk. and would he really call his mum ma'am?

Hi Way2Dawn
I like this story and I think it's really good.
I saw a few mistakes but I think you can sort out those mistakes if you just re-read the prologue.
I like the way that it turns out its a dream and I like the way that he has this dream every week but he always get woken up before the end. I think its a really good idea.
Can you pm me when you post more?
midnightread

I like it so far, the twist at the end was great. There were some confusing parts at the beginning and maybe you should describe the characters some more to give a more vivid picture. Over all its a great beginning!
-Bumblebee

Hey Way2Dawn,

I found your first chapter online this morning and thought it looked interesting, so I'm trying to catch up on the prologue so I can read it. Forgive me if this is a little rushed.

"Let her go!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
It did not reply only stared straight into my eyes as it held it's blade ever closer to Sophia's neck.

The opening here is very engaging, jumping right into the action. I especially like that you call the creature/monster "it." That really caught me and drew me in. However, I would have liked a little more description of the creature before we went much further. Really hit the reader with a strong image here.

The glare said it all it would do nothing but slit her throat unless I gave this god forsaken creature the Item. The problem was I didn't have it. I never had it.

Does Marcus know what the Item is? Putting it in italics like that makes me think that he doesn't. I think that can work, since this is a dream and not everything makes sense to us in dreams, but I think it should come across a little more subtley.

The creature was like nothing I have ever seen.

This line isn't as effective as it could be. The reader has no idea what Marcus has seen before, so we don't know what he's trying to compare this to. He could be a monster slayer who eats Godzilla for breakfast, or he could be an accountant. We just don't know yet. What would be better, would be to give a clear, powerful image to show the reader that it's nothing like anything we've ever seen.

The room was small, or large, and was candle it, but only the creature and myself were visible.

This doesn't make sense. Is the room small or large? And I think you mean it was "candle lit"? If only he and the creature were visible, how does he know it has Sophia? And how does he know that he's in an abyss?

I was in a deep abyss surround by depths of oblivion.

This sounds very impressive, but it doesn't actually give me a clear image of where he is. "Oblivion" is very abstract and doesn't give me a picture of what kind of pit this is.

And I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Only because I was closest to her.

This is excellent. Honestly, it's the thing that drew me in most about this piece. I really want to know more about this character now.

It to reviled another blade of its own with it's free hand.

"It too revealed a blade of its own with it's free hand." <-- clearer

"Marcus get your ass out of bed young man! Its almost 7:30 and your not going to be late again! Is this why I bought you a car so you can sleep late?! No sir! Get up now or so help me God..." my mom shouted as I merely looked at her.

This confuses me. Is his mom in the same room as him? Because she was shouting and not coming in and shaking him out of bed, I figured she was across the house from him. But then he looks up and sees her... the two don't seem to match to me.

She walked out the door and I started to get dressed. However, I couldn't get the dream off my mind this was the sixth time its happened always on a Thursday and always ended the same way just before the [i]Dawn{/i]

Why italicize dawn? And 7:30 doesn't sound like before dawn to me.

Rather it be though a screaming mother, barking dog, or the beeping of my alarm clock.

This is not a complete sentence. I would combine it with the sentence before it. Also, I think you mean "whether" instead of "rather."

I could never save Sophia.

Good. Makes me want to know even more. I know I hate those dreams that repeat themselves but never finish.

But I suppose this matters little for I have another day of school at Rosewood High.

This is very formal compared to the rest of the piece. You might consider rephrasing it a little.

And a another week before I get another chance to save Sophia.

Great ending line. I will definitely read more.

Very nice and very interesting. There are a few errors in your sentences, mostly just leaving out words. And I think the people above me have already pointed them out. But over all, nice story. It makes me want to read more...which i will.
Keep up the good work.



-BG-

the item is so vague and mysterious! i wonder what it could be?.....(i dnt read it all btw....i will later- it sounds good tho)