Jessica: Protection chapter 1

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We’re all around you but you wouldn’t see us. Take it from someone who knows don’t look for us.
–Jessica Cleave


It was noon on a hot August day, and two of my three siblings and I sat in our small orphanage bedroom, in Chicago Illinois.

“Jess, plug in the fan,” ordered my eleven year old sister Grace. She struggled to turn around in the recliner and push me out of the space next to her.

I began to object, but my sister’s ocean-blue-eyes practically shot lasers at me. Sighing, I stood and relinquished the overstuffed chair to my sister.

“Thanks,” muttered Grace, and settled back into her mane of flowing blue hair. This was her favorite seat, and it had once belonged to our father. Not that any of us had ever met him of course, he died years ago, but she felt that he was with her in some way whenever she sat there. Unfortunately for her, her face was often confronted with my long, tangled mess of jagged blonde hair. I enjoyed the soft blue chair almost as much as Grace did.

“Grant! Uuuuu! Not Funy!” With an enormous heave and not a small amount of water, Grant (my ten year old brother who was now sitting on her) was launched across the floor.

“Graaa-aaace! Why’d you do that!?” His black eyes flashing, he shook out his shaggy jet-black hair, and once he was relatively dry, sent a good-sized ball of anti-matter at the wall above our exuberant sister’s head.

For good reason, Grant hadn’t risked a full out fight with our older and more powerful sister. An entire year at JAP (I didn’t know what this stood for, but I hoped to soon find out) was not something to be laughed at, as Grant well knew. After every summer, the two of them left for a day’s trip via bus, after which they traveled to the school. I’d never been there, because I had yet to discover my power, but with any luck, this fall the Cleave dorm at JAP will house one more pupil, me.

Of course, both of my parents had had powers, and the gene was passed on to all of us. At least, I hoped so. At nine, I was a little late in discovering my power. Of course, that my two older siblings had tried every conceivable method of coaxing it out of me. The battle scars that I sported had warded off quite a few passers by on the street, but I was becoming accustomed to odd looks and unconcealed staring that pelted me every time I left the orphanage.

I remembered all this as I undertook the rather dangerous trek across the room. Water and I had never been the best of friends. Of course, that fact wouldn’t keep Grace from forcing me to plug in the fan. Electricity was too bright for Grant. And Grace, having water running in every possible part of her body, didn’t fair much better. So I picked up the plug, and went to the outlet. As the plug went in, a huge spark came out and hit me
in the head.

“Are you okay, Jess?” Grace came running.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” I questioned.

“You just got hit in the head by a foot long spark!” Yelled Grace.

“Did I?” I asked, puzzled. I touched my forehead. It wasn’t tender. Hmmm.

“You didn’t feel it?”

“No, but I saw it.” Now I was scared. What did it mean that a variable lightning bolt had entered my head and I had not felt even the slightest fizz?

Grant and Grace had a quick discussion in hushed tones. There were a lot of glances back over their shoulders in my directions and shaking of heads. Finally, they turned around, a worried look on their faces.

“Jess”, there was an edge to Grace’s voice. ”I think you have Electricity”.

“So? That’s great,” I cried. “Why are you so upset? I get to come with you to JAP and study and everyth…” I trailed off. Grace was shaking her head. She looked like she was on the verge of tears.

“Don’t you get it?” she cried. “I have Water! We have to stay away from each other! And you be have a constant attraction to me!”

Oh. That explained a lot. Already, I felt like there was a magnet buried in the center of my body that was drawing towards her. It was almost unbearable. Ugh. This would complicate things during our frequent fights.
Last edited by AlizaYazdani on Sat May 08, 2010 6:49 pm, edited 5 times in total.




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I’m Jessica Cleave. I’m nine, and this is my story.
First off this is a very boring way to start off a story, the beginnings of stories are very important, that's what draws the reader in, and this...just doesn't do it.

“Jess, plug in the fan,” ordered my eleven year old sister Grace Cleave. She struggled to turn around in the recliner and push me out of the space next to her.
There's no need to say her last name, you've told us that's the MC's last name and that they're related, so we assume it, no need to repeat yourself. Also this wording is a little weird, are they sitting next to each other in the chair? If you could say it in a little less confusing way, that would be great.

I began to object, but my sister’s ocean-blue-eyes practically shot lasers at me. Sighing, I stood and relinquished the overstuffed chair to my sister.
Okay, that just sounds odd, people don't normally compare looks to lasers. Try something simpler.

“Thanks,” muttered Grace, and settled back into her mane of flowing blue hair. This was her favorite seat, and it had once belonged to our father. Not that any of us had ever met him of course, he died years ago, but she felt that he was with her in some way whenever she sat there. Unfortunately for her, her face was often confronted with my long, tangled mess of jagged blonde hair. I enjoyed the soft blue chair almost as much as Grace did.
Infodump alert! Space it out a little more, don't just be like "Here's my life story, now lets continue." Feed us the information a little at a time.

“Grant! Uuuuu! Not Fny!” With an enormous heave and not a small amount of water, Grant (my ten year old brother who was now sitting on her) was launched across the floor.
I'm assuming that Fny is a typo, because I have no idea what it means, but this makes no sense. Try rewording it a little so it does.

“Graaa-aaace! Why’d you do that!?” His black eyes flashing, he shook out his shaggy jet-black hair, and once he was relatively dry, sent a good-sized ball of anti-matter at the wall above our exuberant sister’s head.

For good reason, Grant hadn’t risked a full out fight with our older and more powerful sister. An entire year at JAP (I didn’t know what this stood for, but I hoped to soon find out) was not something to be laughed at, as Grant well knew. After every summer, the two of them left for a day’s trip via bus, after which they traveled to the school. I’d never been there, because I had yet to discover my power, but with any luck, this fall the Cleave dorm at JAP will house one more pupil, me.
Okay so they've got super powers, kind of saw that coming for some reason. There's another little infodump there also ;).


“Jess”, there was an edge to Grace’s voice. ”I think you have Electricity”.

“So? That’s great,” I cried. “Why are you so upset? I get to come with you to JAP and study and everyth…” I trailed off. Grace was shaking her head. She looked like she was on the verge of tears.

“Don’t you get it?” she cried. “I have Water! We have to stay away from each other! And you be have a constant attraction to me!”

Oh. That explained a lot. Already, I felt like there was a magnet buried in the center of my body that was drawing towards her. It was almost unbearable. Ugh. This would complicate things during our frequent fights.


Okay, so she can't even be near her sister anymore, how does that make her feel? The biggest things I want from this story are emotion, and description. It's a pretty cool plot so far, but I'm not really feeling any connection to the characters or what's going on. Add to them, and make me love them, or at least like them

Good luck, and keep writing!

~Hope
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."




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Hi there Aliza. Such a Pretty name! HERE TO REVIEW.
WHAT EVER i LIKE WOULD BE IN PINK AND THE WORDS I ADD IN GREEN. SUGGESTIONS IN BOLD.

I’m Jessica Cleave. I’m nine, and this is my story.
This is not at all drawing in your reviewers. Your starting should grip your readers, it should make them read more, want more. Just starting off with your name, your age, is just an amateur style of reading. I used to do it too but left it long ago. Change the style.

Try: This is my story. Story of Jessica Cleave, a nine year old.This is in case, you want the readers to know her age and name. Still, starting off in another way is better.
It was noon on a hot August day, and two of my three siblings and I sat in our small orphanage bedroom, in Chicago Illinois.

“Jess, plug in the fan,” ordered my eleven year old sister, Grace. She struggled to turn around in the recliner and push me out of the space next to her.

I began to object, but my sister’s ocean-blue-eyes practically shot lasers at me. Sighing, I stood and relinquished the overstuffed chair to my sister.

“Thanks,” muttered Grace, and settled back into her mane of flowing blue hair. This was her favorite seat, and it had once belonged to our father. Not that any of us had ever met him, of course, he died years ago, but she felt that he was with her in some way, whenever she sat there. Unfortunately for her, her face was often confronted with my long, tangled mess of jagged blonde hair.She used to sit on her lap? :lol: I enjoyed the soft blue chair almost as much as Grace did.

“Grant! Uuuuu! Not Funny!” With an enormous heave and not a small amount of water, Grant (my ten year old brother who was now sitting on her) was launched across the floor.

“Graaa-aaace! Why’d you do that!?” His black eyes flashing, he shook out his shaggy jet-black hair, and once he was relatively dry, sent a good-sized ball of anti-matter at the wall above our exuberant sister’s head. This whole sentence was way too long and full of descriptions. Personally, as a reader I would never like to read this and think of skipping it. Never include so much of action in one sentence itself.

For good reason, Grant hadn’t risked a full out fight with our older and more powerful sister. An entire year at JAP (I didn’t know what this stood for, but I hoped to soon find out) was not something to be laughed at, as Grant well knew. After every summer, the two of them left for a day’s trip via bus, after which they traveled to the school. I’d never been there, because I had yet to discover my power, but with any luck, this fall the Cleave dorm at JAP will house one more pupil, me.
This whole passage is so much confusing, dear. I couldn't understand any bit of it.
Of course, both of my parents had had powers, and the gene was passed on to all of us. At least, I hoped so. At nine, I was a little late in discovering my power. Of course,Un-needed! that my two older siblings had tried every conceivable method of coaxing it out of me. The battle scars that I sported had warded off quite a few passers- by on the street, but I was becoming accustomed to odd looks and unconcealed staring that pelted me every time I left the orphanage.

I remembered all of this as I undertook the rather dangerous trek across the room. Water and I had never been the best of friends. Of course, that fact wouldn’t keep Grace from forcing me to plug in the fan. Electricity was too bright for Grant. And Grace, having water running in every possible part of her body, didn’t fair much better. So I picked up the plug, and went to the outlet. As the plug went in, a huge spark came out and hit me in the head.

“Are you okay, Jess?” Grace came running.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” I questioned sarcastically.

“You just got hit in the head by a foot long spark!” Yelled Grace.

“Did I?” I asked, puzzled. I touched my forehead. It wasn’t tender. Hmmm.

“You didn’t feel it?”

“No, but I saw it.” Now I was scared. What did it [color=#40BF00]possibly mean that a variable lightning bolt had entered my head and I had not felt even the slightest fizz?[/color]

Grant and Grace had a quick discussion in hushed tones. There were a lot of glances back over their shoulders in my directions and shaking of heads. Finally, they turned around, a worried look on their faces.

“Jess”, there was an edge to Grace’s voice. ”I think you have Electricity”.

“So? That’s great,” I cried. “Why are you so upset? I get to come with you to JAP and study and everyth…” I trailed off. Grace was shaking her head. She looked like she was on the verge of tears. Now I'm able to understand the story. :smt001

“Don’t you get it?” she cried. “I have Water! We have to stay away from each other! And you be have a constant attraction to me!”
The red sentence can use some of the rephrasing: And you'll be be having a constant attraction to me!


Oh. That explained a lot. Already, I felt like there was a magnet buried in the center of my body that was drawing [color=#00BF00]me towards her.[/color] I liked this sentence a lot. It was almost unbearable. Ugh. This would complicate things during our frequent fights. :(



So this was a good read except for the bad starting. you ca definitely work on that and make it more interesting. As I said your starting line should make your readers wanna read more, so I would say that your piece make me read more.
At first, in the beginning, I thought that you would be having a lot of problems but I was incorrect. Your writing style, vocabulary and grammar are pretty good and other than few things, it was a smooth read.
The characters can do more of description but I think you would have done that in future posts. The story is also good but not that great.

Hope this helped!

Flying off for now but do give me a call when you need any help! :superman:
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I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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