Rise From The Ashes: Prolouge

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Prologue

A resentful voice snarled, “You had potential, Kieran, but you had to throw it all away with these worthless cretins.” His eyes flared with brutality as he peered over the young and slender girl that was pinned against the side of a brick building. The brick building’s walls were cracked and decaying, as if they were about to crumble over the bloodstained girl and slaughter her then and there.

Kieran Wilkson was her name, and her name was known through all of the Immortals of the world as of now. Her head hung down as blood trickled down from her hushed lips, splashing onto the scattered ashes and remains of the city. Her thick brown hair was plastered to her forehead with sweat, and her body was slowly giving into the excruciating pain she was feeling from the menacing man peering at her.

Unexpectedly, she muttered darkly, “They are not worthless cretins, they don’t slaughter innocent humans for their own game. The real monster here is you, Alocer.”

Kieran raised her head with the little energy she had left and gazed at the monster called Alocer. He smirked at her fearlessness as he took a step forward, his dark, peering eyes staring at Kieran.

Behind Alocer was a handsome teenage boy with flaming red hair and baby blue eyes. He was crouched down, holding onto his bleeding shoulders as the city around him was tumbling down as if the buildings were dominoes. He looked at Alocer with both hatred and hope as he beamed at the rigged, cement sidewalk fighting with his conflicting emotions.

“That’s what Cross wants you to think, he’s brain washing you. He wants you to think of me that way, so he can gain your trust. He would kill you in a second if he thought you were disobeying him.” Alocer replied with a malevolent grin on his face. The monster began to stride over to Kieran, who was still pinned against the brick wall.

Kieran’s eyes narrowed as she spat back, “Liar, you filthy liar.” As Alocer was walking over, she began to struggle against an invisible force. She clenched her torn fists and attempted to move at least one finger. She couldn’t. Alocer was too powerful for her skills, and even though she kept on attempting to overcome his abilities, she couldn’t even raise one, single finger.

Alocer stopped a few yards in front of Kieran, snickering as two, sheik and salient swords rose and floated on each side of him. The sword’s blade glistened in the faded sunlight, as Kieran’s widened green eyes reflected on them. Blood was stained on the tip of the blade, soon to be her blood.

“You had your chance Kieran, you could have avoided this,” Alocer uttered viciously. Alocer didn’t care about what Kieran could have accomplished for him, all he seemed to care about now is butchering those Immortals that didn’t join him in his quest for control and power. Kieran was one of them, she rebelled against him and fought him, and now she was going to pay with her life.

“I’m glad I didn’t join your team of savages,” Kieran announced with confidence as she stared directly into the monster’s eyes, “I’d rather be dead than be your slave.”

Alocer scowled at this, knowing that Kieran could have helped him achiee his goal tremendously. He raised his right arm and pointed to Kieran and as he did so the swords trembled slightly and the tips of the blades were pointed directly at Kieran’s chest, where the heart lay.

“Good riddance you ignorant fool!” Alocer shrieked loudly, sending an echo throughout the entire perishing city.

Everyone in the city stopped in their tracks and turned to find the source of the chilling shriek, and all eyes met on the two swords that were racing to strike Kieran’s beating heart. One of these people was a young teenage boy, no older than seventeen, with dark brown hair and hypnotic brown eyes that just simply drew you in. He was standing on the thirtieth floor of a building that was shattered, the glass was scattered across the floor to show the ferocity that was put into the thrilling fight. The boy’s dark toned skin seemed to glimmer under the black sunshine, as he took a quick step forward to the edge of the floor to see who shrieked. He grabbed onto the oblique glass so he wouldn’t fall and looked across the city street, or what remained of it, to see the two silver swords only seconds away from piercing the heart of Kieran.

The boy’s eyes widened with pure angst as he hollered out, “Kieran!!!”

Kieran eyes closed in acceptance; she knew that she was going to die right then and there and that nothing could stop those two swords. Except one thing. As she told her body to get ready to embrace the two sword’s wrath, she felt a slight gust of wind that brushed the fear away. Her eyes flickered open with dismay as she saw blood paint the sky in crimson array of red, dark red.

In front of her, the teenage boy from the building leaped, and the two swords sliced into his chest, as if his flesh was butter. His once lively brown eyes suddenly started to fade away as he staggered dreadfully in front of Kieran, who was still restrained against the brick wall. He clutched his chest in vain as he began to shiver from the darkness seeping into his entire soul. His hair was now drenched with his own cursed blood, and he turned his head slightly sideways towards Kieran, just enough for Kieran to see one side of his face. Blood drizzled onto the sidewalk as if a light shower of rain, and Kieran gazed at him with bitter fear. Then, he glimpsed at Kieran with admiration and muttered three words, “I love you,” before he sealed his eyelids shut and plummeted to the sea of thick blood beneath him.

“NO!” Kieran screamed in fright as she thrashed against the wall and finally broke free from Alocer’s restraints. She then bolted towards the boy, tears fogging her visions as the boy finally crashed onto his withering back, the scarlet blood cascading from his shredded chest onto the rotting city streets.

Thanks for reading! I know the prolouge is short, but chapter one is long and going to come soon. Please leave your opinions, likes, dislikes & criticism!




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I like the premise of the story and the way that you painted it. The only real complaint i have is that there is some redundancy in it that slows the pacing down too much. I will stayed tuned to see what happens next. Keep up the writing.




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I liked this, but you had a few prose issues and parts where it really dragged.

Nitpicks:
flared with brutality

That part just doesn't sound right. Try just "flamed" or "burned with rage".
Unexpectedly, she muttered darkly, “They are not worthless cretins, they don’t slaughter innocent humans for their own game. The real monster here is you, Alocer.”

I say just start with the dialogue. Also, do you mean "gain" instead of "game".
as the city around him was tumbling down as if the buildings were dominoes.

*gigglesnort* So the buildings are falling down, but staying on one piece? That's ridiculous.
he’s brain washing you.

Brainwashing is one word.
Blood was stained on the tip of the blade, soon to be her blood.

How is the blood that's already on the swords going to be hers?

You need to read this over a couple times, preferably out loud or to a friend so you'll notice these weird errors. I also noticed a few misplaced commas.

All in all, it was suspenseful, and I can't wait to see what happens next. Just work on the prose.
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Yo RyanX Here:


Lets see. The nitpicks are already picked out so i'll talk about the peice itself. It's

very descriptive and thats a a plus. It's also Very dramtic. I think, however, that the

man would kill Keiran before the boy got there. The boy says the swords are only seconds

away from her heart. This doesn't make sense unless this boy has some sort of powers and

i guess well have to find out about that later in the story.



Everything has to be taken on trust; truth is only that which is taken to be true. It's the currency of living. There may be nothing behind it, but it doesn't make any difference so long as it is honoured. One acts on assumptions. What do you assume?
— Player (Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard)