renite

this is still not finished chapter one i mean but there should be more soon thanx for reading


renite
chapter 1 =knowledge of the other universe

Far away out of the earth out of there universe lives a universe full of power and greatness for so long in that universe there has been piece and hope until king kami-yana the lord of darkness attacked the king of hope - king delly-yana - and king kami-yana one the war that lasted - 9 months long - but hope has come again now that a 15 year old girl from the planet of ape humans has left there universe to find a strong fighter and train him to destroy the darkness that has attacked there universe. She left to earth a planet with no renite - R.E.N.I.T.E is a magical stone that will give you your chosen power every power is different some are elemental some are strength boost speed boost it's up to your potential - let the adventure begin...

"Morning is it morning already" - this is the main character Dan Room 13 years old has a brother who is Jack Room 16 years old still lives in the same house as me and my mum Alister Room 36 years old old - Dan is very strong very fast and has never lost one fight hi goes to this school red-shark high school this high school has hundreds of bully's but that's not the bad part he lives in a mountain half a mile away from the city that has the high school he is going too wait there is worse there's only one person else who lives near here a 89 year old lady called Jenny hands that includes some of his life - Dan gets ready for school by getting his school close on his bag and homework and then goes out his room downstairs and meat Jack "good morning Jack" said Dan "good morning bro" said Jack "here is your breakfast now move it you'll be late for school" said the Mum while giving him his toast jam on it "damb" he says putting his toast in his mouth then running of to school to get to school faster he goes through this forest that is the fast way to school for him.
Dan runs through the Forrest but stops running when he sees a bright multi coloured stone/diamond/crystal he walks other to it and touches it but nothing happened it wasn't too big so he put it in his bag and kept running to school.
Finally he gets to school and just in time the bell just ring and they all went to there classes Dan has his three best friends in his class - Danny Bat (boy) 13 years old loves football - - Wendy Hanks (girl) 13 years old loves to dance and sing has some temper problems Dan and everyone thinks but she always gets what she wants - - Kelly Punch (girl) 12 and a half years old very sweet very shy allot nicer than Wendy every way you think about and she loves to read books - "aright Dan" says Danny "hi" says Dan "hillo" says Wendy "hi Dan" whispers Kelly "man I'm no in the mood for crappy science ma---n!" says Dan "oh shut up at least your getting something in your tiny little brain not like me i am allot more smarter than you do you have your homework by the way" says Wendy "yeah yeah yeah i have it" says Dan "you admit it" says Wendy "admit what" says Dan " that you hardly get something in your tiny brain" says Wendy "s" shouted Dan "were here" says Danny they were at there science class they walked in and sat in there chair watched,learned and done the work.

Hello liambt! Welcome to the Young Writers Society!

Here at YWS, we have a general rule that you should review at least 2 peices written by other people before you sumbit one of your own. And that 2:1 ratio applies whenever you want to submit something. This rule helps keep the give and take going on YWS so everyone can have their work reviewed and recieve advice.

On to your peice...

1) You do a lot of what we here at YWS like to call telling, and not a lot of showing. Telling is just point blank the narrator telling what is happening. Telling is not often very interesting to the reader and will more than likely take the reader out of the story. Showing on the other hand is more descriptive and interesting.

2) There are a lot of run on sentences in this peice. Run on sentences (in case you are unaware) are sentences that include way too much and drag on and on and on. For example:

She left to earth a planet with no renite - R.E.N.I.T.E is a magical stone that will give you your chosen power every power is different some are elemental some are strength boost speed boost it's up to your potential - let the adventure begin...

This sentence actually could be broken down into two or three smaller sentences. Also, it is a very telly sentence (explained in point 1).

3) Lack of punctuation in dialogue.

Dialogue should most definatly have punctuation (exclamation points, periods, question marks.) Here is an examlpe of appropriate dialogue use:

"Hello," Sally said. "It's a lovely day isn't it?"

"It is a lovely day," John agreed.

This is how you used dialogue (which also, fit right into sentence that had previously appeared to be a paragraph.):

"Morning is it morning already" - this is the main character Dan Room 13 years old has a brother who is Jack Room 16 years old still lives in the same house as me and my mum Alister Room 36 years old old - Dan is very strong very fast and has never lost one fight hi goes to this school red-shark high school this high school has hundreds of bully's but that's not the bad part he lives in a mountain half a mile away from the city that has the high school he is going too wait there is worse there's only one person else who lives near here a 89 year old lady called Jenny hands that includes some of his life - Dan gets ready for school by getting his school close on his bag and homework and then goes out his room downstairs and meat Jack "good morning Jack" said Dan "good morning bro" said Jack "here is your breakfast now move it you'll be late for school" said the Mum while giving him his toast jam on it "damb" he says putting his toast in his mouth then running of to school to get to school faster he goes through this forest that is the fast way to school for him.

"Morning? Is it morning already?" asked Dan. <This would be an example of a more appropraite way to write the dialogue at the beginning of this sentence. Also, you tell a lot in this sentence. Much of it is information that is not critical to the current plot, or could be better conveyed through showing.

4) More Dialogue issues.

In the final paragraph of this chapter, you include conversation between your main character and his friends. All this conversation is in the same paragraph. You should always, always begin a new paragraph when a new person is speaking.

Example:

Sally skipped into the room with a handful of wildflowers, and was humming a happy tune.

"What kind of flowers do you have there, Sally?" John asked.

"Daisies," she said.

5) Plot and Character Development

This is the first chapter, and frankly not much happens. I feel the chapter ended abruptly without much actually happening and without leaving the reader wanting more (though I noticed you did include that this was not finished, and there was more to come). The entire chapter felt rushed and sort of...bland. This is a very easy fix though, so don't be discouraged! Also, try developing your characters (by showing!) a bit more. Give them personalities, quirks, habits, fears, likes, and dislikes. Sometimes character profiling can help this.

Also, the first paragraph felt like it was more prologue/preface material stuck into the first chapter. It didn't really flow with anything else in the chapter.

Overall it had some issues, but has a lot of potential. I hope you work on this and aren't too discouraged by anything I have said. Believe me, we all make mistakes and they all get pointed out to us here on YWS (I've had my fair share )

Don't give up and keep writing! Let me know when you have more up and I will gladly look at it!

-Lauren

Hello!
This story has potential, but first thing's first: grammar. The lack of full stops make the sentences overly long, and difficult to read. Here's an example:

Morning is it morning already" - this is the main character Dan Room 13 years old has a brother who is Jack Room 16 years old still lives in the same house as me and my mum Alister Room 36 years old old - Dan is very strong very fast and has never lost one fight hi goes to this school red-shark high school this high school has hundreds of bully's but that's not the bad part he lives in a mountain half a mile away from the city that has the high school he is going too wait there is worse there's only one person else who lives near here a 89 year old lady called Jenny hands that includes some of his life - Dan gets ready for school by getting his school close on his bag and homework and then goes out his room downstairs and meat Jack "good morning Jack" said Dan "good morning bro" said Jack "here is your breakfast now move it you'll be late for school" said the Mum while giving him his toast jam on it "damb" he says putting his toast in his mouth then running of to school to get to school faster he goes through this forest that is the fast way to school for him.

I don't know if this was intended... but this is one sentence. I suggest you read through it and break it up, as it's really hard to read! For example: 'Dan is very strong and very fast, and has never lost one fight. He goes to a high school called 'Red-shark High', which has hundreds of bullies.' etc... You know what I mean
Also, I think meat is supposed to be meets?

king kami-yana the lord of darkness attacked the king of hope - king delly-yana - and king kami-yana one the war that lasted - 9 months long -

Make sure you put a capital letter for names. (Instead of 'king kami-yana' is should be 'King Kami-Yana)...

Other mistakes...

Firstly, make sure to always capitalize 'I' - go through the text and make sure every single little I is capital.

As Lauren pointed out, the dialogue should be set out and punctuated differently. Make sure to follow those rules, as otherwise it can get confusing.

Basically, by just correcting a few things your work could be very good - and I look forward to seeing the next part.

Keep writing!

Hey Liam! Welcome to YWS!

I just want to remind you of the 2:1 ratio policy rule. For every piece you submit, you should complete two reviews prior to your submission.

Lauren and Lili have pointed out a lot of important things in your story-- pay attention to what they mentioned; punctuation helps a lot in your story, and with so many run on sentences, it's hard to follow, dear.

Good luck!

June