Young Writers Society

I blocked Chester during lunch, “We need to talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Yes, there is,” I replied firmly. “You think after you fainted on the ground and then you look at me with this frightened expression that there’s nothing to talk about? God, what’s wrong with you!”

With that, I grabbed him by the wrist and almost dragged him out of the cafeteria, whispers following us all the way. We entered the Art Room and I closed the door. “Look. Either you know something that I don’t, or you’re trying to be my friend in this weird insane way or…whatever. I don't--I don’t know what’s up. I’m not psychic, so just…tell me!”

“You’re going to think I’m crazy,” Chester warned.

“Try me,” I replied.

Chester exhaled sharply--nervously--his hands twisted together in fretful clinches. He looked up at me underneath his red fringe and said quietly, “I tell the future."

There was the shortest silence, broken by my disbeliving snort.

"Yeah, right," I rolled my eyes. "And my parents are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Surrre,"

"Sarah, I told you--"

"That doesn't mean it's true," I interrupted him.

"I can prove it," Chester blurted out.

There was another silence.

"Can you?" I asked quietly.

Chester dug in his pocket, fishing out a pencil. He grabbed a piece of paper from the shelf and sat down.

I was standing behind him, peeking over his shoulder. The pencil flew over the paper and slowly the picture began to take form.

It was of me, my lips slightly parted in an expression of fear. I was glancing over one shoulder. The black form of a stranger came into form, nothing more than a dark form against white paper.

I recognized the form vaguely. It was from the first time I had been followed...

We both stared at the drawing and Chester whispered, "That's what's going to happen today, Sarah."

The silence that filled the room afterwards felt like the loudest noise I had ever heard. I stumbled back, jaw hanging as I stared at Chester Matheson.

“You’re not--” I choked out after what seemed like ten geological ages. “You’re like--You’re a-a fortune-teller?”

Chester stood up from his seat, “I don’t know! I’ve been having those visions of something…weird. Frightening. Ever since you arrived. And I’ve been having the same vision over and over of you. I don’t know, Sarah! I don’t know everything!”

“What are the visions about, Chester?” I approached him slowly, stood by his side.

He looked up at me with dark eyes, “Murder.”

--[ - This is my first critique on this web-site. You should feel special. :] - ]--

This is great. Makes the audience hungry for more. It sure left me wanting to know more. You ended with a great hook.

It's short, sweet and to the point, but it covers all the bases that need to be and doesn't leave important things out. It's not saturated with overbaring details that just aren't necessary.

I really enjoyed it.

Keep up the good work and good luck! :]

Wow, Ross, this is good (no duh! ;] ). It was really catchy and unsuspected.

A few things though.

With that, I grabbed him by the wrist and almost dragged him out of the cafeteria, whispers following us all the way. We entered the Art Room and I closed the door, “Look. Either you know something that I don’t, or you’re trying to be my friend in this weird insane way or…whatever. Look, I don’t know what’s up. I’m not psychic, so just…tell me!”

* the comma can, and should, be omitted.
* the comma should be a period.
* You already used "look" in the sentence before. I don't know whether you used it again for repetition but I'm just informing you of it.

Also, when Chester tells Sarah that he tells the future, it seems kind of unrealistic for her first reaction. If someone told you that he/she could tell the future, would you be immediately amazed or would you be more like "yeah right"?

I think you should make Sarah seem skeptical and then Chester should either prove an example of his future-telling ability OR add in something else that will make it seem more realistic.

Because I've told several seventh graders at our school that I have a time machine and they look at me like I was speaking Greek. And I told a few of them I could predict the future and they were like, "Yeah, and Santa Claus is my daddy."

So try to make that part seem a little bit lifelike.

The silence that filled the room afterwards felt like the loudest noise I had ever heard.

I love the paradox in this sentence. <33


Overall this is totally great (which is a really weak compliment for the magnitude of how Barnes and Noble good-enough this chapter is).

*clicks gold star*

- Summerless ;]

i really loved it. i am not really great at reviewing but i have to say you write like any professional author. i would like to point out a few things-
-i would recomend for the chapter to be a bit longer
- in the first part of the story, chester seems sure about his abilities and later he points out that ' “I don’t know! I’ve been having those visions of something…', you should probably make it a little bit more believable
- chester knows the future by drawing things so why does he tell sarah that he has visions ?
the rest was wonderful, looking forard to more of your stories.
don't forget to pm me.

Wow. Very intriguing.

But again, their relationship doesn't seem too realistic.

I blocked Chester during lunch, “We need to talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Yes, there is,” I replied firmly. “You think after you fainted on the ground and then you look at me with this frightened expression that there’s nothing to talk about? God, what’s wrong with you!”

When people don't know eachother they don't say, 'We need to talk', they say, 'Um...can I talk to you for a second?' Or something like that. His response seems more realistic IF you make her less pushy. The last little outburst also needs some help. Have her be less sure of herself...something more like, 'Whats wrong with you? You keep...staring at me weird. Like there's something - nevermind - and - and then in class you faint and everything thinks you're...dead or something. Please tell me whats going on.' Not exactly like that, of course, but something less familiar. She talks to him like they're friends when they don't even know eachother.

The same goes for the next part. I think the dialogue could be a little more interesting. Avoid things like, 'You'll think I'm crazy.' 'Try me.'; they're just too cliche to be get the point across. I think you could lengthen this whole part, make him dodge a little more, more suspense. Use your imagination...get into the characters heads. I know you can do it.

If you want some examples PM me. And let me know when the next chapter comes out!

R=reliable quality
O=omasing
s=suspenseful
s=supirior writing skill

another great post

Hey there.

Ahh I want to read more!

Nice work though.

I do think there's a step missing in there. Chester said he was going to prove his visions, draws the future, and Sarah just believes.

Maybe you could get him to predict someone shouting down the hallway or a bird flying into the window or something first. Unless the Sarah doesn't fully believe him, but is scared that his drawing might be true, in which case you may need a little more background to why she'd believe it so suddenly.

I like the way you've introduced the characters. I get the impression that Sarah is quite blunt and up-front about things, where Chester is kind of a wimp.

'His hands twisted together in fretful clinches,' I especially love this description. I also like Sarah's first line.

'The pencil flew over the paper,' I imagined this as something similar to what Sonny does in eye robot, so I think it needs a little more description. Does it skim the paper, or actually not touch it, and does he draw it by shades or shapes?

Overall this is definately a piece worth reading. I think I'll have a browse through the other chapters now... Chapter three probably wasn't the best place to start.

Anyway, good work Keep writing.

wow this is great, I havent read the other parts, but I am now. its really good. keep writing!

I'm offically hooked, and I didn't read the other parts, I'll go do that.

This was amazing though. I didn't catch anything that other didn't already mention. That was crazy though, amazingly crazy. He must've been a good drawer too.

But lordy me that was amazing. Keep going or I"ll be after you with a pitch fork.

PM me when you have more up.

TNC

I liked this, great job

I loved this! I can't wait to read the next chapter.
I hate cliffhangers!

Sarah kinda believed Chester a tad bit too quickly. It was too sudden. One moment she didn't believe him. The next she did. He just drew a picture. Sarah doesn't know that what he drew would really come true, but she believed him anyway. I think she should be convinced a bit more.

Other than that, it was great!

Inform me when the next chapter comes out, k? I'd love to read it!

Wow, this is REALLY good. From what I see, your grammer and spelling are very good. But don't take that into too much consideration, I'm not that experienced yet. Any who, post your next chapter soon please!

Wow, this is REALLY good. From what I see, your grammer and spelling are very good. But don't take that into too much consideration, I'm not that experienced yet. Your story has me drawn in, craving for more. I think it's the suspense between Chester and Sarah. It's got me think

'Whose muder?' 'Is Sarah the murderer?' 'Does Sarah die?'

I find that a story is really good if it has people asking themselves questions or guesses about the plot.

Any who, post your next chapter soon please!