Young Writers Society

Choiceless
Prologue

Have you ever seen a person die?
Been there as they took their last breaths, as the so-called light faded from their eyes? As their brain shut down and their heart stopped beating?
Now… have you ever killed a person?
Been the reason took their last breaths? Been the reason the light faded from their eyes? Been the reason for their brain to shut down and their heart to become still?

I have.
I’ve killed. More people than I can count for that matter. I exist for that purpose only – to murder… to slay… to end…
I am death incarnate, for death is my only purpose.

And why? Because I am an Illyonstad – a very rare type of human indeed.
I doubt you’ve read that word before… it’s not in the English Dictionary. Myself… and the other five Illyonstad – we were born to take other lives.
Sad? Yes. Yes it is.

But this is my story. It is riddled with fear, loneliness, love, despair, adrenaline, happiness and hate.
This is our story… the story of the Illyonstad.


That was writen in a couple of minutes. Now - this is what I would like from you:

- What you liked
- What you disliked
- What makes you want to read on
- What puts you off
- What really stands out to you


All replies are welcome .

kk. I'll see if I can help.

Have you ever seen a person die?
Been there as they made their last breaths, as the so-called light faded from their eyes? As their brain shut down and their heart stopped beating? It’s not a pretty sight.

All right, first of all, I wouldn't say, "made their last breaths." Mayve, "inhaled," or, "took," but not made.

Now… have you ever killed a person?
Been the reason they made their last breaths? Been the reason the light faded from their eyes? Been the reason for their brain to shut down and their heart to become still?

Now this part drew me in! I wasn't sure about this story at the beginning, but when you added that part, I was like, "yeah, this might be pretty cool!" Nice repitition. Sounded great. Flowed well.

I have.

Sweet. Totally drew me in. After this, I was hooked. Couldn't stop reading if I tried.

I’ve killed. More people than I can count for that matter. I exist for that purpose only – to murder… to slay… to end…
I am death incarnate, for death is my only purpose

The repitition was nice. I would say, "I have killed," rather than, "I've killed." Small change but I think it makes a big difference. I would have liked this better if I'd been about a really hot seventeen year old who couldn't stop himself from killing people...but I'm weird.

And why? Because I am an Illyonstad.
I doubt you’ve read that word before… it’s not in the English Dictionary. Myself… and the other five Illyonstad – we were born to take other peoples lives.
Sad? Yes. Yes it is.

Nice repitition, AGAIN. But then, repitition seems to be essential in this piece. makes it flow.

But this is my story. It is riddled with fear, loneliness, love, despair, adrenaline, laughter and hate.
This is our story… the story of the Illyonstad.

Nice. Like the word, "Riddled." sounds great.

hey, wanna make a trade? Since I critted this will you crit mine? It's like, right below this. To FINISH!!!


What you liked : The repititon, the smootheness, and the general plot
- What you disliked: Wanted the person who killed to be human
- What makes you want to read on: The cool repitition
- What puts you off : that it's not about a hot seventeen year old.
- What really stands out to you : I dunno, it's just really good. I liked it altogether as a whole.

Thanks for the reply . I'll go over you're piece later today (i'm a bit stressed for time right now) .

Anyways - well, he is 17 (or 18... I haven't decided which one yet...) and is human (just ya know... a different type of human. I think I'll make that a bit more clear ).
Is he hot? Um...

- What you liked

As their brain shut down and their heart stopped beating?

I liked this.

I exist for that purpose only – to murder… to slay… to end…
I am death incarnate, for death is my only purpose.

I liked tthe flow and the abruptness.
- What you disliked -

so-called light faded

"as the light faded..." gets the job done.

It’s not a pretty sight.

This isn't necessary. The transition between "have you seen" and "have you killed" would be much stronger without it.

Now…

This isn't need either.
- What makes you want to read on-

But this is my story. It is riddled with fear, loneliness, love, despair, adrenaline, laughter and hate.
This is our story… the story of the Illyonstad.

- What puts you off -

I doubt you’ve read that word before… it’s not in the English Dictionary.

It's obvious we haven't heard it before.
- What really stands out to you-

Myself… and the other five Illyonstad – we were born to take other peoples lives.

But I think it would be better without the "people's."

It is riddled with fear, loneliness, love, despair, adrenaline, laughter and hate.

"Laughter" isn't a strong enough word to be used in this sequence. All of the others are extremely powerful feelings. Laughter is not a feeling, it is an action.

Been there as they took their last breaths

Here I think it would be best to say "Have you been..." or "Were you there..."

I don't mean to discourage you with the corrections. I think this piece has a lot of potential. Like you said yourself, it only took you a couple of minutes to write it. I know what it's like to get on a roll and sometimes overlook something I could have done better. I just think you should re-read it, consider my suggestions, and correct it in a way that you think best fits the story. I look forward to the way your writing skills and the story are sure to develop. Good luck.

-Sarah

That doesn't discourage me . Constructive Critism = Good .


I chose your suggesstion I liked and added them in. Of course, there were some I disagreed with. For example,

I doubt you’ve read that word before… it’s not in the English Dictionary.

It's obvious we haven't heard it before.

I want to make it clear that this isn't a gerneric fantasy/sci-fi world where you're assumed to already know what a Ilyonstad (note: Ilyonstad is just a place holder I took from another of my stories... I haven't yet decided what I'm going to call them) is. This is a normal boy (or at least, that's how he starts off viewing himself) and its being told through his eyes, to us - who are ignorant to all the sf/fantasy words.


None the less, thanks for the reply . I've updated the story with minor improvements both you and Misty suggessted .


One thing I'm not so sure about (that I've just added in) is:
'And why? Because I am an Illyonstad – a very rare type of human indeed.'
(origional version read 'And why? Because I am an Illyonstad.')


Like I said, I want to make it clear that he's human. But I'm worried this sentence may disrupt the flow to much. I'd rather go without clarity then lose the flow of the piece (it's quite clear he's human in the first chapter anyways).
What do you guys think?

sureal wrote:Have you ever seen a person die?
Been there as they took their last breaths, as the so-called light faded from their eyes? As their brain shut down and their heart stopped beating?

i liked how you have opened up with numerous questions, it made me wanna read on, wondered why you were asking them, and i actually wanted to find out the answer myself, to put it bluntley those questions actually made me think, although i havnt actually seen anyone die yet...

sureal wrote:Now… have you ever killed a person?
Been the reason took their last breaths? Been the reason the light faded from their eyes? Been the reason for their brain to shut down and their heart to become still?

i liked this also, although i dont think you should have included the questions again although you changed, it made me feel as if i was reading what i had read before again...what's that word again...oh yeah sounded a bit repetitive, but i guess that was needed anyway, sounds good still though, i guess its just me.

sureal wrote:I have.
I’ve killed. More people than I can count for that matter. I exist for that purpose only – to murder… to slay… to end…
I am death incarnate, for death is my only purpose.

i liked this, sounded very good, ahve nothing bad to say about it.

sureal wrote:And why? Because I am an Illyonstad – a very rare type of human indeed.
I doubt you’ve read that word before… it’s not in the English Dictionary. Myself… and the other five Illyonstad – we were born to take other lives.
Sad? Yes. Yes it is.
But this is my story. It is riddled with fear, loneliness, love, despair, adrenaline, happiness and hate.

kewl i liked that part too, have nothing bad to say about it, like how you pause at some moments and then with the repetitive questions, its very good.

[quote="surreal"] this is our story... this part i was a little confused aobut, beacuse you only mentioned our at the end, not during or maybe it is just me lol

ok well what you want from me.....

- What you liked - i liked the questions you gave out at the start, excellent way to pull in readers
- What you disliked - hmm, nothing really, except the part i said about the second set of questions
- What makes you want to read on - well for me, to find out the answer of the questions so i guess it was that
- What puts you off - nothing actually...
- What really stands out to you - the questions and the different pauses

Anyway, my final words! keep up the good work, very excellant i cant wait to read your story from this, im looking forward to it chow

Your rewrite looks better. Best of luck to you.

-Sarah

wow. thats all I can say is wow. you have it down, the whole death mood. you show me into his mind. The numbness, its just right. you got the perfect mood for this.
hmm, what I dont like...I dont really know. theres something about it thats screaming in the back of my brain, but its like in a different lauguage or something. theres something, but I dont know what.
The whole question thisng really made me want to read more, and the way you ended it. the whole "this is our story..." thing. real good.
nothing turned me off really. it was pretty good.
the questions really stood out. gave it the whole real feeling.
well now you know what I think and so I say keep writting.