Young Writers Society

Rick strode into Drake’s office-like room, and then over to Drake himself, who was sitting quietly in a small chair by the fire, as though he hadn’t heard the wolf come in.

“Donlec, you know why I am here, and I know you will not betray your friends willingly. I don’t have any time for beating around the bush, as I’ve told you before. I need you to help me, or I’ll get someone with a looser tongue.”

Drake laughed bitterly, eyes still trained on the bright fire.

“I don’t really care anymore, sir. Torture me until I die… it doesn’t really matter how.”

Rick licked the blood off one of his claws, eyes glittering maniacally.

“As I said before, I don’t have time for this. Would you rather I looked for answers elsewhere, or will you finally give me the answers I seek?”

“Answers? I don’t have any answers. I’m filled with questions, questions of my past. But you won’t listen to them. You could stay content forever, simply reminding me of your favorite parts of the annihilation of my family… the family I don’t even know.”

Rick glanced at Drake, a small smile playing with his lips.

“Do you really want to know about your family? Very well, ask away.”

The man hid his surprise, finally turning his eyes from the fire, “Did you- did you really kill them all, or did you just mess with my memory?”

Drake knew all about Rick’s powers, or as much as the wolf allowed him to. He wasn’t exactly sure what he should ask. Now that he could ask, he felt like all his questions had escaped him.

“Memories are quite interesting things… minds are, for that matter. The most important information about yourself could be right under your snout, or nose, if you’re human, and you might never see it. You really aren’t an exception, Donlec.”

For a moment, Drake was too surprised by the way Rick answered to notice that he’d dodged the question.

“I’m wasting precious time, though. The point is that I know the only torture that will bring the answers out of you, and I’d rather get it over with. I’d love to sit and watch the delicious agony, but I really need to see to other things…”

Drake looked up, horrified.

“Y-you threaten things a-all the time… master. Th-that doesn’t m-m-mean you c-carry out those thr-threats…” his voice was barely above a whisper.

“This isn’t a threat,” Rick said softly, “no, I’ve gone beyond that, Donlec.”

His right paw began to shine, brighter… brighter… the whole room was filled with the bright red light, and Rick held up the shining ball that he gripped in his claws, and for a moment, indecision filled his face…

Drake tried to run, but he couldn’t move, he was frozen in place. He took a deep breath, and closed his eyes…

The wolf whispered something in the ancient language, and then threw the ball, watching as it enveloped Drake.

Drake was trapped in the red bubble, and there he floated, motionless, eyes closed, ignoring Rick’s voice as he continued to speak in the ancient language.

A little projection of light appeared in front of him, and his eyes pulled open grudgingly. He tried to close them again as he realized with horror what the projection was showing, but they stayed wide open, unblinking.

Rick’s voice pierced the bubble, “Don’t bother, Donlec. You have to watch…. Again.”

His cruel laugh filled the room just as the light had, and then he strode out the door, slamming it behind him.

*

The sun began to set, and the boy relaxed on the wooden bench, eyes closed.

“This is what California is all about to you, isn’t it?” another boy sat down next to him, shaking his head.

“What’s wrong with that? I’m twelve now, remember? I’m aloud to go here. Besides, these sunsets are breathtaking…” the younger boy took a deep breath, smiling contentedly.

“Yeah, but when I was twelve, I didn’t do stupid stuff like this. Girls do things like this. Breathtaking, huh!” the older boy looked disgusted, but the younger could tell he liked the sunset just as much.

“That was only two years ago, Cole. Hey, d’you remember the time you fell down that slide, and I thought a huge wolf threw you?” the two boys laughed, watching as the pinks, purple, reds, and oranges of the sunsets faded to different shades of grey.

They stood up, shivering in the sudden cold.

“That’s weird. It was so warm…” Cole looked around, frowning.
“Where do I remember that odd coldness from…?” the younger boy cocked his head, struggling to remember.

“Co… I think it was… yeah. It got cold like this the day that you fell down the slide… and it was warm that day too…” the two boy’s eyes grew wide, and Cole gulped, turned, and dashed off, shouting something about first home got candy.

“Hmph. I can see he’d be useless where I might send him. Now you, boy… you might be something else.”

He didn’t dare turn around. He recognized that growl… that voice.

“Yes, you might be useful. It’s too bad I have to wait so much longer… but then again, another while should do even you good. Hmm… it’s for the best. Just keep your mouth shut and get a little smarter, Donlec.”

Warm breath curled around his neck, and the voice that whispered in his ear was barely audible.

“Oh, and come down here on your thirteenth birthday. There’ll be a… present here.”

The boy whirled around, but there was no one there. Only the smell of blood, coming from a small swirl of red smoke hanging in the moist air.

_____________________________________

I need reviews on this story, or else it shan't get any better!
Pweeeze?
-Sela

I’m aloud to go here.

Oops! I think you mean allowed. Must've been tired, eh?


There were other mistakes, but if anyone ever gets around to reviewing besides me, I'm sure you'll get 'em fixed.
To be honest, I didn't really like this part. It was sort of... rushed. And you need to prolong the first part of this part, if you take my meaning.
Well, good luck, I am sure you'll improve! ^^

-Sela

Little copycat. I'M the one who reviews my own stories when no one else will. Damn.

This definitely flowed well. It wasn't choppy, the way it was before, but it was still a little rushed, like you said above. I'm not exactly sure how to lengthen this. I almost feel like we've sort of jumped in to the middle of a terribly intriguing story but that we can't get quite into it because we don't know anyone well enough to care. That just came to me all of - a - sudden.

So what I think you need to do is find a new beginning. Begin with these two characters, Drake and Sela, make them REAL. Make them completely exciting and unique characters. Make them the kind of kids that Rick and Kayo have reason to want...Its coming to me now. And its making ALOT more sense.

"I'm not a gambler but I've gotta admit...its felt REALLY good to beat Michael. I'm gonna chase that feeling."

Anyway, when you've got the beginning well-grounded, these scenes will come easier, and they will probably be longer of their own accord.

So I much liked this part, in itself, it just needs backround.

I already told you, in this kind of story, it GETS background, only, it comes slowly. I only know of a few damn good writers that can make you understand and completely connect with their characters in a few chapters.

Thus, it shall take time, leetle friiiiend.

-Sela

Sela Locke wrote:I already told you, in this kind of story, it GETS background, only, it comes slowly. I only know of a few damn good writers that can make you understand and completely connect with their characters in a few chapters.

Thus, it shall take time, leetle friiiiend.

-Sela

(Sela--What Chernobyl is saying is that your characters haven't yet come across as 'complete', so to speak. Er, naturally, the remedy may not be a tangle of background threads, criss-crossing and clashing with the action. How can they be more concrete then?)






IMP

I already told you, in this kind of story, it GETS background, only, it comes slowly. I only know of a few damn good writers that can make you understand and completely connect with their characters in a few chapters.

I'm not saying that you should make a super long narrative tediously describing various likes and dislikes of your characters, only that the story probably needs to have another beginning. Mostly because of the memory loss thing. Because, often in a story like this one, memories are weaved through the action and dialogue to develop the characters, but since they have no memory, it is nearly impossible to develop their characters as is necessary.

This, of course, is only what I'm understanding from the story. I do not claim to be a perfect source on how to write characters. I only would LIKE to get to know their characters better before they get tossed around by evil animals. Thats all.

I'm baaack! Miss me?

Grammar and First Impressions

Rick strode into Drake’s office-like room, [no comma] and then over to Drake himself, who was sitting quietly in a small chair by the fire, [no comma] as though he hadn’t heard the wolf come in.

Get rid of that first comma because there's no subject/verb on the other side of and. Get rid of the other comma because as though doesn't require one. ^^

Drake laughed bitterly, eyes still trained on the bright fire.

“I don’t really care anymore, sir. Torture me until I die… it doesn’t really matter how.”

Rick licked the blood off one of his claws, eyes glittering maniacally.

Who said that quote in the second line? If Drake did, join it with his line; if Rick did, join it with his line. I'm thinking they're the only two people talking at this point 'cause they're the only people mentioned thus far, plus there aren't any tags [which I recommend inserting].

I’m filled with questions, [dash instead] questions of my past.

“Do you really want to know about your family? Very well, [period or dash instead] ask away.”

A comma didn't seem to belong there.

The man hid his surprise, finally turning his eyes from the fire, [period instead] “Did you- did you really kill them all, or did you just mess with my memory?”

That first part wasn't a tag for the quote, so it gets a full stop [period]. ^^

The most important information about yourself could be right under your snout, [dash instead] or nose, if you’re human, [dash instead] and you might never see it. You really aren’t an exception, Donlec.”

Put those dashes there because or nose, if you're human is aside information. ^^

Drake looked up, horrified.

Drake's been looking at Rick this whole time since he looked up from the fire -- or at least in my mind he was.

“Y-you threaten things a-all the time… master. Th-that doesn’t m-m-mean you c-carry out those thr-threats…” his voice was barely above a whisper.

Wait.. is he shivering? Shaking in fear? Even then, he has to be really afraid to be stuttering this much. I usually avoid stuttering if I can, but in reality, this was so sudden. In my mind, he was just gaping at Rick. But this quote makes him sound like a nervous wreck.

“This isn’t a threat,” Rick said softly, [period instead] “[s]no[/s] No, I’ve gone beyond that, Donlec.”

His right paw began to shine, brighter… brighter… the whole room was filled with the bright red light, and Rick held up the shining ball that he gripped in his claws, and for a moment, indecision filled his face…

Rewrite the first part. I don't think the punctuation is quite right: His right paw began to shine -- brighter and brighter -- until the entire room was filled with the red light it emanated. Rick held up the shining ball that he gripped in his claws and for a moment, indecision filled his face.

Drake tried to run, but he couldn’t move, [dash or semi instead] he was frozen in place. He took a deep breath, [no comma] and closed his eyes…

The wolf whispered something in the ancient language, [no comma] and then threw the ball, watching as it enveloped Drake.

Drake was trapped in the red bubble, and there he floated, motionless, eyes closed, ignoring Rick’s voice as he continued to speak in the ancient language.

Underlined: Repetition. One right after the other even if they were in different sentences. Pronouns are lovely little guys, really. ^_^

I also think you could better rephrase the second paragraph here so as to make it more picture-perfect. You can use mine or adjust accordingly [I recommend the latter.]: He was trapped in a giant red bubble and was left floating in mid-air. His eyes closed as he ignored Rick's voice, who continued to speak in the ancient language.

Rick’s voice pierced the bubble, [period instead] “Don’t bother, Donlec. You have to watch…. [only three dots] [s]Again[/s] again.”

There's no tag connecting/leading into the quote. Don't use three dots, even if it ends the sentence. Only three is needed, and whether the next word is capitalized or lowercased will warn the reader if it's a new sentence or not. Four dots makes it look like a typo.

“This is what California is all about to you, isn’t it?” [s]another[/s] Another boy sat down next to him, shaking his head.

“What’s wrong with that? I’m twelve now, remember? I’m [s]aloud[/s] allowed to go here. Besides, these sunsets are breathtaking…” [s]the[/s] The younger boy took a deep breath, smiling contentedly.

“Yeah, but when I was twelve, I didn’t do stupid stuff like this. Girls do things like this. Breathtaking, huh!” the older boy looked disgusted, but the younger could tell he liked the sunset just as much.

“That was only two years ago, Cole. Hey, d’you remember the time you fell down that slide, and I thought a huge wolf threw you?” [s]the[/s] The two boys laughed, watching as the pinks, purple, reds, and oranges of the [s]sunsets[/s] sunset faded to different shades of grey.

There's only one sunset but different shades of pink, purple, red, and orange. The colors can be plural because of that, but there's still only one sunset. ^_^

“Where do I remember that odd coldness from…?” [s]the[/s] The younger boy cocked his head, struggling to remember.

“Co… I think it was… yeah. It got cold like this the day that you fell down the slide… and it was warm that day too…” [s]the[/s] The two [s]boy’s[/s] boys' eyes grew wide, [period instead] [s]and[/s] Cole gulped, turned, and dashed off, shouting something about the first home [s]got[/s] would get candy.

It's not boy's because that's singular possessive, but there's two boys. It's plural possessive, so it's boys'. ^^

“Hmph. I can see he’d be useless where I might send him. Now you, boy… [s]you[/s] You might be something else.”

“Yes, you might be useful. It’s too bad I have to wait so much longer… but then again, another while should do [s]even[/s] you some good. Hmm… [s]it’s[/s] It's for the best. Just keep your mouth shut and get a little smarter, Donlec.”

The boy whirled around, but there was no one there. Only the smell of blood, [no comma] coming from a small swirl of red smoke hanging in the moist air.

Ellipses

You use these triple dots (...) so often, it's rather frustrating. There are different ways to identify a short pause, and ending paragraphs with ellipses too often just gets frustrating. The end of paragraphs already lead into the next sentence of the next paragraph; the ellipses only add a different dramatic effect. And huge blocks of dialogue doesn't mean the speaker is saying all those words at once. It takes some imagination from the reader to see the characters take breaths here and there, etc.

"We have to get the fifth Harry Potter movie!" exclaimed Susan, admiring the DVD sitting on the New Release shelf. "We've already watched the first four movies, and we can't just stop in the middle of the series! I mean, Dad might not want to watch, but you've watched them, Mom! And Alex did too! Please, Mom! But why? You got Alex that Pokemon game! Please, Mom! We have to get it! I can't wait for my birthday! It's a whopping one week away! All my friends have already seen it, and I've read the book nearly ten times already! Please, Mom!"

So my character, Susan, says all this at once. However, you can probably pick a couple spots where there's a break. As Susan is speaking, you could probably picture the mom giving different looks to her daughter -- lifting an eyebrow, shaking her head, sighing. The reader can assume this. I could put ellipses in here, but that would just irritate the reader. Let's keep it moving; the reader can take their time if they want to.

Tags

I mentioned this before, so you probably didn't edit it here, but I'm going to mention it again anyway. Watch your tags. In fact, you don't usually use tags; you just connect sentences to the quotes, which really doesn't make sense grammatically.

[s]"But I have to get the fifth movie, Mom!" she jumped up and down anxiously.[/s]

"But I have to get the fifth movie, Mom!" exclaimed Susan, jumping up and down anxiously.

Use verbs that assume the character is speaking to connect the quote to the sentence/phrase such as said, yelled, exclaimed, replied, whispered, muttered, murmured, shouted, cried, and more.

Characters

The beginning really confused me now. I thought Drake was kidnapped by Rick, so why is Rick walking into Drake's "office"? I suggest getting some paper or pull up a blank document and just write profiles for your characters. Organize your thoughts so you know who's doing what role. I could be saying this for my health only, but I am a little confused as the reader.

And the others say to flesh out your characters more, but you're a bit unsure as to how to go about that. Let's go back to Susan, shall we? From the examples I gave, all we know is that she's Harry Potter crazy. Well, from the dialogue I gave you, you should kind of make out her determination to get what she wants, even if she fails.

"But I need it!" Susan whined when they returned to the car. Her mother continued to load the car; Susan helped out, though she didn't do much between her complaints. "Ashley's already watched it in the theaters, but if I get the movie, then we could watch it during the sleepover she's holding for my birthday. Please, Mom! Let me go back and get it! We were going to have a whole Harry Potter discussion that night, but we can't compare the fifth book with the movie if we don't have the movie!"

"That's enough, Susan," Mom said as she closed the trunk door. "Go return the cart, and we'll leave for your hair appointment."

Susan groaned as she took the cart and returned it. She stomped away but very quickly. She returned to the car in no time, and they were off for the hair salon. Susan unconsciously played with her long blonde hair, biting her lip and refusing to speak to her mother for the rest of the car ride.

She's kind of a spoiled brat, eh? She usually gets what she wants, so this one time that she didn't, she's throwing a fit. And, considering how she speaks in sentences and her vocabulary is wider, she must be a preteen or teen. We already gathered a few facts about Susan after only three examples of her life, and they were all in the same setting with the same plot.

Characterization can come from not only description of their appearance, but also how they speak, what they do, their body postures and movements, their friends, how they interact with others, etc. Not just huge blocks of description, keep in mind. There's much you can do to bring out your characters and where they belong in this story.

Hopefully that somewhat helped.

Overall

After some work, you'll have something going for ya. Keep in mind what I've suggested to help you out, make sure the readers are asking the right questions at the right times, and don't give up. You're doing great.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!