Young Writers Society

Thank you for all of the feedback you have given me so far on my earlier pieces. I'm gonna get busy touching up on them sometime soon.

She stood outside the conference room, trying to catch her breath back as she thought over what had just happened. They had sat and talked about the Heracia’s. Surely, not her Heracia’s? The thought sent a shiver down her spine and made her want to scratch away her now tingling skin.

Of course, she couldn’t get away from them completely, she knew that. The Heracia’s ran a top PR firm, as well as running their own organised crime scheme. And now, they were in town, and maybe soon, at work.

Her palms were beginning to sweat as the images of all the people she had ‘taken care of’ danced around her mind, taunting her and warning her; you’ll get what you deserve, they chimed. She forced herself to walk from the door and down the hallway, her feet sounding heavier than usual on the oak panelling. Taking the stairs, she almost felt relaxed as the cool breeze of the stone stairwell hit her hot face, cooling here emotions.

She was just letting herself get carried away, that was all. She walked steadily down the stone steps and released a gentle sigh of relief as she began to hear the sounds of the offices below. The whirring of the fax machine and the whine of the paper shredder set her mind at ease as she reached her level and swung the door open. Of course the Heracia’s weren’t here; they were safely in her past.

“Paige,” came an exasperated voice, “tell me you didn’t drop the coffee everywhere?” Paige glanced around with a sheepish smile, pulling her hair back and lassoing it with her elastic band.

“Uh. No?” She cringed at the look on Phillip’s face. “Look, it just slipped, okay? Now, I have to go and do that proofreading,” she added, in a last ditch attempt to escape his scowl.

Back at her desk, she pulled a pile of sheets from her drawer and began to read, her face setting into a look of concentration as her eyes scanned the page lazily.

“Reading my stuff, huh?”

Paige looked up with a slight sigh, meeting the gaze of the male stood before her, Frank. His sandy blonde hair and pale blue eyes made him a hit in the office, but Paige just thought he was a pain. It was a love-hate relationship.

“Oh, it’s yours? No wonder there are so many mistakes.” To emphasise her point, she picked a red pen from her desk and began to cross out and add words to the piece, a look of sincerity plastered over her face.

“I only do that so you have a job,” he shot back, resting his hands on the edge of her desk and arching an ever quizzical eyebrow.

“Okay, that’s it. What do you want?” Paige surrendered and threw her papers down, looking up at him with the calm expression you would wear for the impatient five year old.

“That’s more like it,” he grinned, then settled himself into a nearby seat, running a hand through his hair and yawning lazily, “I need you to cover for me, tomorrow.”

Paige studied him for a long minute, a blank expression curtaining her face as she checked to see if he was joking. When she realised he wasn’t, she burst out laughing, her eyes lighting up as she doubled over against her desk.

“What?” Frank blinked, watching in bewilderment as Paige regained her calm and ruffled her bangs from her eyes.

“Cover for you?” Paige leant back in her chair and grinned at him.
“Yes, cover for me. I’ve been asked to two different press conferences and Phillip won’t let me drop out of both. Look, all I’m asking is for you to go to one for me.” He inched forward on his seat and peered at her almost pleadingly. “When have you ever dropped out on the chance to go and sit and drink champagne, while scribbling endless drawl onto your notepad?”

Paige pondered over this, flicking through her schedule idly while he waited for her to make up her mind. Taking her red pen, she scribbled in her un-readable handwriting; “Press Conference – Wednesday”.

“Alright then I suppose I will, although you’ll have to do something for me in return.” Paige smiled and dumped the papers onto his lap, stretching her arms and legs out. “Okay, so what’s this conference for?”

“New business plan,” Frank groaned as he lifted the papers from his lap, “The Heracia’s are preparing a presentation for the business meeting and want to give the media a chance to see the new plans.”

Paige stopped dead and stared at him blankly. Frank got up and winked at her in thanks, before wandering off. Her voice had left her completely as she deflated back into her chair.

The Heracia’s are back in town.

Hey really, really good work. I actually enjoyed reading this piece and it literally left me wanting to find out what happens to dear Paige.
I've just got a few comments, mainly on little things like grammar etc.

I think you've incorrectly used apostrophes in this piece when related to the Heracias. I don't think there should be one at all following this word. Apostrophes should be used to either signify ownership, plurals or abbreviations. I admit I'm no expert but I think I'm right on this point.

Other things I noticed were:

trying to catch her breath back as she thought

If you remove the 'back' the sentence flows much better.

And now, they were in town, and maybe soon, at work.

The comma in bold needs to go. This sentence doesn't seem to flow to well. Perhaps another way of expressing this idea would be appropriate.

She was just letting herself get carried away, that was all. She walked steadily down the stone steps and released a gentle sigh of relief as she began to hear the sounds of the offices below. The whirring of the fax machine and the whine of the paper shredder set her mind at ease as she reached her level and swung the door open. Of course the Heracia’s weren’t here; they were safely in her past.

Nice paragraph. Really gets you into the mind of your character.

her eyes scanned the page lazily

Sounds better as "her eyes lazily scanned the page."

the male stood before her

I think there should be a 'who' between stood and before.

For me the dialogue at this point in the narrative is a bit too quick. I think you should perhaps extend their bickering a little longer just so that the responder really comes to understand their relationship.

ruffled her bangs from her eyes.

Ummm, what exactly are bangs?

And that's it. Good luck with the rest of this one. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens.

Paige looked up with a slight sigh, meeting the gaze of the male stood before her, Frank.

I would have that comma before Frank become a period and let his name stand alone in order to make a bigger impact.

You put a lot of unnecessary apostrophes in the Heracias' name, as scurley7 pointed out before me. Unless you are talking about one Heracia and something that belongs to them, the plural form should be Heracias.

I'm liking the story so far, but it is moving pretty quickly. Perhaps if you took us through a little more of her typical daily routine before throwing in a blast from the past to mess her up, we would be able to see better how she is coping with her new life. Maybe bring in Frank before this, so we can see their relationship a bit more, then you can have her run into him again and he asks her to cover for him. That way, rather than you telling us about it, we get to see it for ourselves and attach ourselves to the characters of our own will.

“Paige,” came an exasperated voice, “tell me you didn’t drop the coffee everywhere?”

I'm not a huge fan of dialogue tags in the middle of the speaking. Perhaps something like: "Paige, please tell me you didn't drop the coffee everywhere." The voice was exasperated and Paige turned to the speaker with a sheepish smile.

Also, that shouldn't be a question mark at the end. He is telling her not to tell him she did something, rather than asking about it.

Anyway, liking way mucho. Read more, I must.

~GryphonFledgling