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A lone soul Chapter two



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Mon Feb 11, 2008 6:20 pm
Commando588 says...



Katherine slept that night, but she received no energy. Her dreams were filled with her dreadful past and of the owner of the motels disturbing grin. The grin wouldn’t have been disturbing if it was a smile of joy, but it was far from that. It was one of those smiles that someone gives you if they know something that you don’t; like he was hiding something from her. Katherine awoke the next morning with cold sweat running down her cheek.


The thing that had awoken her was the sound of knocking that had come from the door. Katherine slowly and clumsily walked to the door despite the overwhelming sleepiness that controlled her mind. The person at the door was none other then the hotel manager, and he wasn’t exactly the person Katherine wanted to see. Katherine slept with her clothes on and her whole gown was wrinkled. The manager stared at her for a second before he began to talk, “sorry to bother you Miss, but its noon and your check out time was at 10 am. I’m going to asked you to leave unless you would like to stay another night.”

Katharine said nothing and slammed the door in his face. Normally she was not a rude person, but today she was ticked, and she wanted more then anything to leave the dreaded town. It took her only ten minutes to get ready due to the fact that she had brought nothing into the room with her. At 12:13 she entered the main office to return the keys. To her discomfort there was no one present. Katherine, with a frown on her face, sat in the small chair that was in the corner of the building. There were no magazines, and she was bored for the thirty minutes that she had to wait. At 12:37 the late manager entered the building. He was dressed in a sharp suit and his shoes were so shiny that they almost blinded her.

As he entered, he said something about being late and that he had to get ready for a party, but Katherine didn’t care and slammed her room key on the desk. She said nothing and exited with a scowl on her face. After she left the shade of the building, blinding desert heat struck her in the face, but she thought little about it and climbed into her car. Her car came to life with a satisfied purr, and she quickly left the city of Trenton. She didn’t look back. If she had, she would have seen the hotel manager watching her car drive off.

If she had looked back, she would have seen him looking at her with the same grin that he had the night before, but Katherine didn’t. In five minutes she had left the city behind. She was so relieved that she didn’t notice the small check engine light that was blinking rapidly on her dashboard. Katherine, with a sigh of relief, took her hands off the steering wheel to stretch her tired arms. She closed her eyes for a split second, but was quickly stirred by the close sound of a car honking its horn. Katherine opened her eyes to see a massive petroleum tanker barreling down upon her. For a split second Katherine thought the driver was driving on her side of the road, but she quickly noticed her fatal mistake. He wasn't driving on the wrong side of the road. Katherine’s reflexes where still slow from the rough night before, but she managed to slam on her brakes. To the horror of Katherine, her small car swerved to the left blocking both lanes. The trucker of the other car did the same by slamming on his brakes, but when you’re hauling 30,000 gallons of highly explosive liquid, it isn’t exactly easy to stop.

Her car did nothing as she slammed her foot on the throttle. Before she could even think, she did what was the only logical thing. She took of her seat belt and bolted out of her doomed car. Katherine ran for a couple of seconds before she reached the deep gorge that lined the sides of the highway. As she leaped into the gorge, a tremendous explosion rocked the desert floor. Heat licked at her exposed back. Katherine was alive, but that didn’t stop the extreme pain that coursed through her veins. The pain and heat where so intense that she soon fell unconsciousness. She knew that she was drifting, but nothing could stop it. That was the last thing she remembered for a long time.

The time after the crash, Katharine came out of unconsciousness frequently, but rarely stayed awake for more then ten seconds. The first time she drifted back to reality, she heard the distant sound of sirens, then drifted back into unconsciousness. The second time she returned, she was riding in a make shift ambulance that resembled a refurbished SUV. Before she fell back Katharine panicked. The reason she panicked was the fact that she was going back to that town, and she would have rather of been vaporized then have to go back to that place. The third time she awoke, she was lying in a dark dank room that resembled the motel that she had spent the night at.
Last edited by Commando588 on Fri Apr 11, 2008 5:06 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Thu Feb 14, 2008 2:11 pm
Blue Fairy says...



At the moment this looks like one big block of text. If you seperate it into more paragraphs it would be easy for the reader and you might get more reviews.

Her dreams were filled with her dreadful past and of the owner of the motels disturbing grin.


This sentence doesn't seem to flow properly. It kind of sounds like it's the motel's disturbing grin.

Maybe you could say: Her dreams were filled with her dreadful past and the disturbing grin belonging to the owner of the motel.

“sorry to bother you Miss,


Capital on sorry.

She closed her eyes for a split second, but was quickly stirred by the close sound of a car honking its horn. Katherine opened her eyes to see a massive petroleum tanker barreling down upon her. For a split second Katherine thought the driver was driving on her side of the road, but she quickly noticed her fatal mistake. He wasn’t driving on the wrong side of the road, she was.


you've used 'for a split second' twice in a short space of time. You could change one two something else.

The time after the crash, Katharine came out of unconsciousness frequently

Katherine was alive, but that didn’t stop the extreme pain


you've changed the way you spell Katharine/Katherine.

She couldn’t see the city in front of her do to that fact that there were no lights whatsoever


I think you mean 'due'.

I really liked reading that. You have described the setting nicely and ended it well with a sort of cliffhanger.

can't wait to read more. :D
Formely known as Fairy_twinkletoes_13

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Mon Mar 03, 2008 3:06 pm
Commando588 says...



Thanks!
You can only be Lost in one place for so long. After awhile you just call it home.

I could say a thousand words and break your heart. Or I could never say one, and break it just the same.
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Mon Mar 24, 2008 2:08 am
Commando588 says...



Please review!
You can only be Lost in one place for so long. After awhile you just call it home.

I could say a thousand words and break your heart. Or I could never say one, and break it just the same.
------------
  





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Tue Mar 25, 2008 9:31 am
Billy says...



Maybe it would be better to separate this into two parts, just for posting purposes, because having to review something that long can scare people off. Just have it as chapter two, part one and chapter two, part two.

The thing that had awoken her was the sound of knocking that had come from the door.


This seemed a little awkward to me, maybe have it as: 'the sound of someone knocking at the door.'

Katherine slowly and clumsily walked to the door despite the overwhelming sleepiness that controlled her mind.


You need a comma in here between 'door' and 'despite'.

I’m going to asked you to leave unless you would like to stay another night.”


You mean 'ask', not 'asked', and you need a comma after 'leave'.

sat in the small chair that was in the corner of the building.


I'm guessing that you meant the 'chair in the corner of the room.'

She was so relieved that she didn’t notice the small check engine light that was blinking rapidly on her dashboard.


You need to change this to "check engine", with the inverted commas. It just makes it easier to read.

but she quickly noticed her fatal mistake.


This might seem pedantic, but a if it was a fatal mistake, she would have died. Just put 'near-fatal'.

when you’re hauling 30,000 gallons


Always write out your numbers, in this case: thirty thousand.

The trucker of the other car


The words 'of the other car' are unnecessary.

she was lying in a dark dank room


Put a comma after dark.

she let out a sigh of discontentment.


Just 'discontent', not 'discontentment'.

She didn’t looked around as she entered the waiting room


'Look', not 'looked'.

I liked reading it, can't wait for the next bit. I'll review the rest of it tomorrow.

-Billy
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt. - Yossarian, Catch-22

Wide-eyed stupid.

If you're gonna rule the world, you've gotta get up early! - Joel S. Dickens
  





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Wed Apr 23, 2008 4:22 am
Sela Locke says...



Honestly, it seems almost unbearably flat. It's obvious you can do better, but at this point it seems all you're doing is telling. She did this, she did that, and so on. Try to use dialogue more, and also describe her surroundings more. Otherwise, it's like reading a really boring newspaper article.

Good luck, (all you need is practice!)
-Sela
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest
  








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