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EON. Everything or nothing!



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Thu Mar 20, 2008 2:22 pm
Vincent says...



Hello! :D
this is the first time in a while that i'm posting something.
this is the TOTTALY new version of Eon. i've been through it many times and ihope you find it pleasing. if you find problems, please tell me! i really want to improve this story! :P

Vince

EON: Everything or nothing

Lucius Cain, a soldier in the glorious army of the Warfront, had fought many battles and wore the wounds that covered his body as proof. The newest addition to his collection was a scar that slithered over his left eye, went down next to his nose and ended above his upper lip. He was proud to say that no wounds were to be found on his back so as to show that he had never turned from the battlefield.

Cain believed in a simple saying: EON, which meant “everything or nothing”. To the Warfront, something worth dying for was everything, and something worth killing was nothing.

He lived in a time where it was neither past nor present nor future. It was a time where mechanical giants fought alongside the men of the Warfront, but steam and gunpowder had just been discovered.
Long ago, before he was born, the speed at which the earth revolved around the sun decreased. This caused permanent day on one half of the planet, and night on the other. Many inventions were created to cause artificial eclipses, and electricity was invented. But world war broke out to claim better lands, especially those who lived in dusk and dawn. A lack of heat created an ice age in the night-side that decreased the survival rate, and increased war over warmer areas. This is when the Warfront was created, a civilization that fights for survival and is located on day-side. Its soldiers know that the Warfront is everything, and anyone who opposes it is nothing.


Chapter One
A patrol performs

Cain and nineteen other men were patrolling the road that wound through the great forest. They had not fought for weeks and were becoming suspicious, since they would usually fight continuously and the enemy always had groups of soldiers scouting the area.

The soldiers of the Warfront wore dark red scarves that covered their nose, ears and mouth, and had helmets with plumes made out of sharp needles or blades. They were armed mostly with ranged war-powder rifles and long spears. Their immense silver armor was decorated with inspirational pages and engravings portraying battles, and was often scarred and told what death the previous wearer had endured. The rare breaches in the canopy of the autumn forest created auras of light that gave it an almost magical effect.


The trees were fixed into the ground that had no rocks or plants covering it, only the leaves that spiraled down from above. The forest seemed never-ending. Bright yellow and orange leaves created a thin layer that covered most of the forest floor and caused the road to fade away. Animals, even though they are rarely seen, lived happily in this forest since battles rarely took place in the vicinity because of the large trees and will usually be fought in some open plain. None of the soldiers dared to take notice, rather paying attention to any movement. The enemy could easily surround them if they make use of the cover the forest offered them.

Cain stopped and his glare narrowed. Dry leaves were crushed under the weight of some person or animal. None of the Warfronts soldiers could have made such a clumsy mistake. All of the men stopped and strained their ears listening. The man who had stepped on the leaves was a Vancan, one of the Warfronts most hated enemies. He had got split up from his fellow soldiers and was standing behind a large oak, clenching his teeth and trying not to breath, knowing he would be caught and if he was lucky they might take him as a prisoner. He let out a slight whimper before realizing the mistake he had made, for twenty pairs of feet were running towards the tree that had made the sound. The Vancan closed his eyes and only dared to open them when the sound had stopped, only to find himself encircled by Warfront soldiers.

“Mercy! I’m unarmed!” he yelled.

A doughty soldier that bore many scars and suited in heavy armor was talking to what looked like a captain. He had a close shaved beard and had no hair. They were whispering so that the soldier did not hear what they were saying. He could only hear a few words like “…prisoner” and “spy” which narrowed down the options he had: he would either be executed as an enemy and a spy, or taken prisoner. He had made a wise decision on throwing away his weapons and hiding it under a pile of leaves when he saw the oncoming patrol because he was outnumbered they might now even give him a chance to live. A sudden and horrible thought entered his mind: “what if they just handed me one of their swords?” since the Vancan usually did this to their enemy prisoners. As these thoughts were sprinting through his mind the captain nodded to one of his soldiers who quickly approached the Vancan and used the butt of his rife to knock him out.

***

When the soldier awoke he found himself being carried on someone’s shoulder. He still felt lightheaded and had a tremendous pain at the back of his head. His thoughts were scrambled in the maze that was his mind. He looked up slightly and noticed that he was staring into the face of the scarred one and then quickly dropped his head as if he had lost consciousness once more. He felt the scarred one’s gaze burn into his skull and suddenly had the urge to look into his eyes but when he eventually lifted his head he saw that the he had walked to another soldier and was talking, lifting his massive sword and pointing it at him from time to time. the Vancan rubbed his head and tapped the warrior’s back in a attempt to be put on his feet and as if a reply was dropped to the ground landing on the soft forest floor. He quickly stood-up and saw that no one was paying attention to him, except for a few men with war-powder rifles who kept eyeballing him. ‘They’ll shoot me if I run’ He thought and walked up to one of the swordsmen and asked where they were going. The reply was simple, and given through a mouth that oozed of hatred.
“Our camp.”
Last edited by Vincent on Sun Mar 30, 2008 12:42 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Don't look down on anyone, except if you are helping them up."
  





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Thu Mar 20, 2008 3:17 pm
Heidigirl666 says...



I can only say one thing: Infodumping. :shock:

Having loads of description and background in one place can get tiresome to say the least. If you want people to know some of the background, try working it in gradually, dropping hints here and there.

If you get it in all at once it a) leaves little to work with for the rest, and b) comes across as bland and boring and c) doesn't make for a very enticing beginning.

Description is good, but it's nice to leave some things up to the reader's imagination.

There are a few mistakes in grammar and punctuation, for example, here:

The enemy can easily surround them if they make use of the cover the forest offers them.


Careful with tenses; the rest of the piece is in past tense, but suddenly it goes into present tense. you want 'could' instead of 'can' and 'offered', rather than 'offer'.

He had got split up from his fellow soldiers and was standing behind a large oak. Clenching his teeth and trying not to breath, knowing he would be caught and if he was lucky they might take him as a prisoner.


A comma after 'oak', not a full stop.

he could hear twenty pairs of feet running towards the tree that had made the sound


Twenty pairs of feet? He must have quite some hearing if he can work out the exact number. :wink: I know you as a narrator knows how many there are; the character however, doesn't, and it sounds really odd written like that.

He had got split up from his fellow soldiers and was standing behind a large oak.


'been split up' maybe, rather than 'got'? Sounds clumsy as it is.

he would either be executed as an enemy and a spy, or take him prisoner.


Do you mean to say 'or taken prisoner'? :?

A sudden and horrible thought entered his mind: “what if they just handed me one of their swords?” since the Vancan usually did this to their enemy prisoners but as these thoughts were sprinting through his mind the captain nodded to one of his soldiers who quickly approached the Vancan and used the butt of his rife to knock him out.


Sentence is far too long. Probably it needs to be a new sentence after 'what if they just handed me one of their swords?'. And then 'The Vancan usually did this to their enemy prisoners. As these thoughts...'

given through a mouth that oozed of hatred.


'Oozed' is not a good word.

That's all I can come up with right now, although I think that there are a few other grammar issues maybe someone else can pick up, but my head hurts right now. :roll:

I think with a little bit of work it could be very good though. It's got potential. :)
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. ~Flannery O'Connor
  





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Thu Mar 20, 2008 3:51 pm
Vincent says...



I edited it but can't find a better word for "oozed"
thanks for the crit. i cant believe i actually missed those

vince
"Don't look down on anyone, except if you are helping them up."
  





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Fri Mar 28, 2008 9:17 pm
sodapop says...



HI! okay. this is my first time ever reviewing anything, but I'll try. i'm reviewing this as i read and i'm reviewing it as if i had written it myself, so i'll use "I" a lot:

Second sentence:They had not fought for weeks and were becoming suspicious, since they would usually fight continuously and the enemy always had groups of soldiers scouting the area.

I would change the middle part of that sentence to "since they usually fought continuously; the enemy always had a group of soldiers who scouted the area" or something more clear like that.

who are the soldiers of the Warfront? are they the bad guys? if they are the good guys, i would mention it in the above paragraph. something like... "Cain and ninteen other men of the Warfront"

okay. i agree with heidigirl666. you do give the reader a bit too much description.

Paragraph 2:The soldiers of the Warfront wore dark red scarves that covered their nose, ears and mouth, and had helmets with plumes made out of sharp needles or blades. They were armed mostly with ranged war-powder rifles and long spears. Their immense silver armor was decorated with inspirational pages and engravings portraying battles, and was often scarred and told what death the previous wearer had endured. The rare breaches in the canopy of the autumn forest created auras of light that gave it an almost magical effect.

On the first sentence i would, instead of mentioning everything the red scarves covered, mention what they didn't cover. i think it would cut off a lot of words. Example: "...wore dark red scarves that completely covered the botton of their faces, only leaving room for their eyes and forehead..."

i would switch "mostly" with "armed" and delete the word "ranged."

i would make the last sentence on the second paragraph become the first sentence of the third paragraph.

i would delete "the" anytime possible. or i might exchange it for "this."

Third paragraph, first line:The trees were fixed into the ground that had no rocks or plants covering it, only the leaves that spiraled down from above.

I would say "a ground" rather than "the ground." Perhaps i would even change the sentence details, like i would say that the ground was desolate or empty except for tree leaves...

i know this is weird, but in the next sentence i would switch the order of colors.

"Animals, even though they are rarely seen, lived happily in this forest since battles rarely took place in the vicinity because of the large trees and will usually be fought in some open plain." ---The latter part of that sentence is very awkward and the verb "will" is in the wrong tense.

what did the soldiers not dare to notice? the leaves? if so, the leaves would be falling, therefore creating movement. and dared doesn't sound like the best word to convey what you're saying. maybe something like... "cared" or "felt the need to"...

"The enemy could easily surround them if they make use of the cover the forest offered them."---the verbs don't agree. either "could" and "made" or "can" and "make." i suggest the former of those.

"All of the men stopped and strained their ears listening." add a comma before "listening."

it should be "he had gotten" rather than "he had got"

"clenching his teeth and trying not to breath" add an "e" at the end of "breath."

"knowing he would be caught and if he was lucky they might take him as a prisoner." okay, but what would happen if he wasn't lucky? highest stakes possible...builds suspense for the reader.

"...scars and suited in heavy armor was talking... " ---would be nicer if it said "...scars and wore heavy armor was talking..."

"He had a close shaved beard and had no hair." maybe "closely" would sound better and delete the "had."

"hiding it under a" you said "weapons," so there would be multiple weapons, therefore "them" rather than "it."

"they might now even give him a chance to live" i would delete this from the sentence.

' “what if they just handed me one of their swords?” ' what does that mean??? does he have to kill himself??

rifle, not rife...unless they have weapons called rifes. in that case, capitalize it so i know.

last paragraph. maybe you should say "in the back of his head" rather than "at"

"...feet and as if a reply was dropped..." i would add commas.



okay! whew! i never realized how tiring reviewing writing was. and that is a mouthful of a sentence. i really like it. sure, it's the first thing i've read on here, but i like it. i especially like that nothing covers the ground in the world you created. sorry if my review is harsh or pointy or whatever you could call it. but it really liked it and hope you write more. can i be you friend? please? i don't have any friends yet..
  





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Sun Mar 30, 2008 12:45 pm
Vincent says...



:oops: :oops: :oops:

sorry everyone. i made one very huge mistake. forgot to add my short prologue. :oops: hope this helps with reviewing!

vince

p.s sorry
"Don't look down on anyone, except if you are helping them up."
  





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Sun Mar 30, 2008 1:14 pm
sodapop says...



This is my critique for the prologue. Anything Prologue-related in my earlier critique can be forgotten, but i still advise changing the things i mentioned.

"To the Warfront, something worth dying for was everything, and something worth killing was nothing." I really don't understand that phrase... especially the end of it. Please make it clearer.

"present nor future." Add a "the" in front of "future."

"Long ago, before he was born, the speed at which the earth revolved around the sun decreased. This caused permanent day on one half of the planet, and night on the other. Many inventions were created to cause artificial eclipses, and electricity was invented. But world war broke out to claim better lands, especially those who lived in dusk and dawn. A lack of heat created an ice age in the night-side that decreased the survival rate, and increased war over warmer areas. This is when the Warfront was created, a civilization that fights for survival and is located on day-side. Its soldiers know that the Warfront is everything, and anyone who opposes it is nothing."

I think we can understand that Cain is not a very old man, so deleting the phrase "before he was born" would be beneficial...and if the speed of the earth slowed down, that doesn't mean that half of it would be eternally set into darkness; it simply means that the earth would be baking on one side and freezing on the other. That would slowly reverse, causing the frozen side to unthaw and the baking side to freeze... What you wrote actually sounds like it could describe this sort of thing, except it would be a lot more fast paced and ever changing. The Warfront could be forever following the path of the Sun.

Another option would be to make some large asteroid hit the planet at the perfect wrong spot in the perfect way so that the earth rotates on its axis at the same rate and opposite speed as its gravitational pull around the sun. Therefore there is always a dark side and always a light side of the earth.

That is my Prologue critique. The prologue did make things clearer and, reading it for a second time, it was a lot more believable, nearly the beginning of a story, although it does need a little more thinking through... keep up the good work!
  





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Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:59 pm
Someguy says...



All right, let's start.

The newest addition to his collection was a scar that slithered over his left eye, went down next to his nose and ended above his upper lip.


I don't like the *slithered.* Make it something like *carved*

Cain believed in a simple saying: EON, which meant “everything or nothing”. To the Warfront, something worth dying for was everything, and something worth killing was nothing.


This I like! :)

He lived in a time where it was neither past nor present nor future. It was a time where mechanical giants fought alongside the men of the Warfront, but steam and gunpowder had just been discovered.
Long ago, before he was born, the speed at which the earth revolved around the sun decreased. This caused permanent day on one half of the planet, and night on the other. Many inventions were created to cause artificial eclipses, and electricity was invented.


I like the idea, but just a bit confusing.
Everything was allright until you came to the part where electricity was invented. What does that have to do with the sentance? The idea of mechanical giants and the steam and gun powder reminds me of that game you have *Rise of Legends* Awesome game.

Chapter one: I'll give it a name.

since they would usually fight continuously and the enemy always had groups of soldiers scouting the area.


'Since they usually FOUGHT...'

The rare breaches in the canopy of the autumn forest created auras of light that gave it an almost magical effect.


New paragraph. It has nothing to do with the second paragraph.



He had got split up from his fellow soldiers and was standing behind a large oak, clenching his teeth and trying not to breath, knowing he would be caught and if he was lucky they might take


You must put a comma after 'lucky'

he would either be executed as an enemy and a spy,


I would say 'as an enemy or a spy.'
But there is nothing wrong with your's.


He had made a wise decision on throwing away his weapons and hiding it under a pile of leaves when he saw the oncoming patrol because he was outnumbered they might now even give him a chance to live


That 'they' must start with a capitol letter.

A sudden and horrible thought entered his mind: “what if they just handed me one of their swords?” since the Vancan usually did this to their enemy prisoners.


This didn't make any sense. I know what happens later in the book since I already read the first 3 Chapters and it makes sense then, but for now, I critique you. This must be said more in detail so that the reader understands what you were trying to say here.

s these thoughts were sprinting through his mind the captain


Comma

urge to look into his eyes but when he eventually


COMMA. Did you forget your spelling rules?

another soldier and was talking, lifting his massive sword and pointing it at him from time to time. the Vancan


Capitol letter
Look at my big shiny shell...
  





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Thu Apr 03, 2008 7:07 pm
greenjay says...



As these thoughts were sprinting through his mind the captain nodded to one of his soldiers who quickly approached the Vancan and used the butt of his rife to knock him out.
I would suggest rewording this. It's too long, needs some breaks.

the Vancan rubbed his head and tapped the warrior’s back in a attempt to be put on his feet and as if a reply was dropped to the ground landing on the soft forest floor
Reword needed.

The reply was simple, and given through a mouth that oozed [s]of[/s] hatred.
“Our camp.”


First, I liked the chapter, and descriptions like this:
The rare breaches in the canopy of the autumn forest created auras of light that gave it an almost magical effect.
help spice it up. Now I find this as hard as anyone, but you have to keep this kind of writing up. This sentance is extremely well written, but the other ones are not as good, though they are not bad. You have it in you, you just need to keep it in you.

Now here is the thing...as I said, I liked the chapter, but the prologue was not so good. You really need to cut it. Nothing more said, just pull out the power sword and saw it in half.

I can probably guess what you're thinking: "My story will make no sense without it," or "I don't want to do that," but in needs to be done. A reader is not supposed to understand a story after the first page, or even the first chapter. That kind of information should be spread out through the novel/whatever it is, though it is best to get it out sooner than later. If you put it all at the start, especially with such a prologue, most readers will stop there.

Don't worry, though! If you cut the prologue then you start right off the bat with the first chapter. You know what the first chapter has? ACTION! The key way to start off any story (at least in my opinion). This gives the book and the reader a jumpstart into the novel, as well as avoiding infodumps, which can come later in more spread out form.

Anyway, those are my suggestions, taking them or leaving them is your choice...and could be your funeral...no, just kidding. It was a very imaginative idea, and the best thing to do now is to write, write, write, for there is no better way to get better!


-GJ
the greenjay strikes again...
  








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