Young Writers Society

Chapter 5
A Grim Sight



When we finally got to the town, it was a macabre sight. Bodies were burning, some were still bleeding, most weren’t even full bodies, many were covered in dark red blood, and all were sprawled everywhere. I couldn’t even believe that they had once been living humans. Buildings were still burning, smoking, completely ash, and completely crushed.

We had stood there for several minutes gazing onto the horrid landscape in front of us thinking of the horrors that had caused it. At the time, it was hard for me to believe that my noble race had stooped so low as to slaughter unarmed innocents.

After a long, unnoticed silence, Carrie had finally turned to me and said, “Now you see why my people are so important to this kingdom even thought they don’t want our help.”

I had looked at her, nodded, and said, “We need to get to Zelcove desert as soon as possible. I’ll search for horses and meet you guys at the southern road.” They nodded and started heading to where the southern road was. I went toward the only stable in the town.

When I reached it, I was glad to see that it was one of the lucky buildings that were partially intact. Before I even started walking towards it again, I heard a horse whinny. I was so glad I rushed into what was still standing of the stable. I saw three beautiful horses: two Arabian and one pinto. I saddled and harnessed them half hazardly and walked them to the southern road.

By the time I had gotten there, Carrie was sitting some rubble. She had her left sleeve up and her hand cupped around the upper arm. There was a light green glow outlining her hand.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Healing it. It won’t take long. I was going to in the hotel but they interrupted me,” responded as she looked at me with a smile.

“Okay, well anyway I got three horses so if you two want to go anywhere, you can,” I said as I turned to the mother and her son.

“Thank you very much. My sister has a ranch east of here and I was planning on going there,” she said as she walked over and took the pinto from me.

“That would probably be best. Stay away from towns and cities as much as possible,” I responded as she mounted on the pinto. I picked up her son and put him in front of her on the horse. “Farewell and ride safely,” I said with a nod before she rode off to the east.

“What made you a knight? Last I knew you were a mercenary,” said Carrie as she jumped off the rubble and rolled her sleeve down.

I looked at her with a long stare then asked, “Is it healed?”

She chuckled and replied, “Yea, told ya it wouldn’t take long. So now we head to The Zelcove desert?”

“Yea, and I would like to avoid all towns and cities until we get to our destination.”

“Sounds good to me.” After she said that we mounted the two horses and road south. We road on the southern road for several hours before coming upon another macabre sight. The town next on the southern road had also been devastated. It looked very similar to the ruins of Descara. Bodies tossed everywhere, buildings burning, and no one alive.

“I fear they may get there before us,” said Carrie as we walked our horses through the massacre.

“How long can you ride without rest or sleep?” I asked her.

“A couple days, why?”

“We need to ride straight for it. We might reach it before they do.” She nodded and starting galloping her horse. I did the same and caught up to her. Our ride through the southern part of the Neutral Coalition of countries was filled with obliterated towns and scorched farms until we reached a lightly fortified city called Digora. Parts of the inner city were scorching, but most of it was up. We could tell that it was attacked by dragons because the wooden palisade was still up and the outskirts of the city weren’t ravaged at all.

We slowed down as we approached the wall. When we got to the gate, an guard on the other side shouted, “Prepare to fire. Another one comes.”

As soon as we heard that, Carrie shouted back, “I am a messenger of The Emerald Templars. This one is aiding me and has already saved my life.”

“Prove that you are a member of the Emerald Templars and we will let you in, but no matter what, that thing stays out of this wall,” replied the guard.

ug suspenceful, hurry and write next chap hehe, didn't find anything wrong, good work.

Hello again! Are you sick of me yet?

When we finally [s]got to the[/s] reached town, it was a macabre sight. Bodies were burning, [semicolon] some were still bleeding, [I think this should just be deleted, unless you can rewrite this better] [s]most weren’t even full bodies,[/s] body parts lay carelessly all over the roads. . [s]many[/s] They were covered in dark red blood, [s]and all were sprawled everywhere.[/s] [s]I couldn’t even believe that[/s] they didn't even look as if they had once been living humans. Buildings were still burning, smoking, [s]completely ash, and completely crushed[/s] and crushed into piles of ash.

It may be safer to just rewrite this paragraph, lol, rather than try to read my chicken-scratch.

We had stood there for several minutes gazing onto the horrid landscape in front of us, thinking of the horrors that had [s]caused it[/s] caused this disaster. At the time, it was hard for me to believe that my noble race had stooped so low as to slaughter unarmed innocents.

“Now you see why my people are so important to this kingdom, even [s]thought[/s] though they don’t want our help.”

I [s]had[/s] looked at her, [no comma] and nodded, [period instead] [s]and said,[/s] “We need to get to Zelcove desert as soon as possible. I’ll search for horses and meet you guys at the southern road.” They nodded and started heading [s]to where[/s] toward the [s]southern[/s] dirt[?] road [s]was[/s]. I [s]went[/s] turned the other way, toward the only stable in [s]the[/s] town.

When I reached it, I was glad to see that it was one of the [s]lucky[/s] only buildings that were partially intact. Before I even started walking towards it again, I heard a horse whinny. I was so [s]glad[/s] happy to see the building still standing, that I [s]rushed[/s] ran [or walked] into what was still standing of the stable. [s]I saw three beautiful horses[/s] Three beautiful horses stared at him with perked ears: two Arabian and one pinto. I saddled and harnessed them [s]half hazardly[/s] haphazardly, and walked them to the southern road.

By the time I had [s]gotten there[/s] found them, Carrie was sitting in some rubble.

I was going to in the hotel but they interrupted me,” period instead] [s]responded as [/s]she [s]looked at me with a[/s] smiled up at me.

Not sure what the underlined portion is trying to say. We'll have to rewrite that, though I'm not sure how.

“Okay, [period] [insert tag here] [s]well anyway[/s] I got three horses so if you two want to go anywhere, you can,” I said as I turned to the mother and her son.

You tend to put your tags at the end of longer quotes, leaving the reader to have to guess who's talking. Unless it's obvious who it is, then put a tag after the first comment/sentence they make, especially if they're doing an action while saying it.

“Thank you very much. My sister has a ranch east of here, [s]and I was planning on going[/s] so we can go there,” she said, [s]as she walked[/s] [not the 'as' again! Lol] walking over and [s]took[/s] taking the pinto from me.

“That would probably be best. Stay away from towns and cities as much as possible,” I [s]responded[/s] warned as she mounted on the pinto. I picked up her son and put him in front of her on the horse. “Farewell and ride safely,” I said with a nod before she rode off [s]to the east[/s].

“What made you a knight? Last I knew you were a mercenary,” said Carrie as she [s]jumped off the[/s] stood up from the rubble and rolled her sleeve down.

Wait, he was a knight? I didn't know that. Did I miss that part?

I [s]looked at her with a long stare then asked[/s] stared at her, asking, “Is it healed?”

She chuckled. [s]and replied,[/s] “Yeah, told ya [she never used this word earlier...] it wouldn’t take long.

“Yeah, and I would like to avoid all towns and cities until we get to our destination.”

“Sounds good to me.” [s]After she said that[/s] we mounted the two horses and [s]road[/s] rode south. We [s]road on the southern road[/s] traveled for several hours before coming upon another macabre sight.

It looked very similar to the ruins of Descara. [colon] Bodies tossed everywhere, buildings burning, and no one alive.

“A couple days, why?”

Isn't she human? Wouldn't he be curious as to how a human can live for so long? And be curious about her healing powers earlier? I don't remember you saying that she was a wizard or anything. She was just "the woman."

“We need to ride straight for it. We might reach it before they do.” She nodded and [s]starting galloping her horse[/s] encouraged her horse onward at a gallop.

Parts of the inner city were scorching, but most of it was [s]up[/s] still standing. [s]We could tell that it was attacked by dragons because[/s] the wooden palisade was still up and the outskirts of the city weren’t ravaged at all--the dragons must have paid a visit to this town as well.

When we got to the gate, [s]an[/s] a guard on the other side shouted, “Prepare to fire. Another one comes.”

“Prove that you are a member of the Emerald Templars and we will let you in, but, no matter what, that thing stays out of [s]this[/s] these walls,” replied the guard.

Good job, once again! I made my questions up above, so there's nothing to put down here. You're story's wonderful. If you plan to go all-out with this story, plan on drawing a map or asking someone to. That's always helpful for me when the story's about travelers.

That's off topic, though. Good job, and keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hi,
No, I didn't fall off the face of the earth but was really close . I just realized that I've had this done in my room since January . So, on with the review.

Bodies were burning, some were still bleeding,

Long time for them to still be burning .

still bleeding, most weren’t even full bodies, many were covered in dark red blood, and all were sprawled everywhere.

still bleeding -most weren't even full bodies- many were covered in dark red blood, and they were sprawled everywhere.

Buildings were still burning, smoking, completely ash, and completely crushed.

You get really listy here. As a whole, this paragraph is written awkwardly and I would advise rewording.

“Now you see why my people are so important to this kingdom even thought they don’t want our help.”

Add a comma after kingdom. I think you mean though and question mark instead of period .

I saw three beautiful horses: two Arabian and one pinto.

Add a semicolon after horses. Arabians instead of Arabian. Also, pinto is a color, not a breed type. Also, Arabians are fine boned. I was envisioning Half Dragons as being fairly large (250+ lbs.), so I don't think that they would be the best choice. If you still do Arabs, you might want to fashion them after the Polish Arabians as they are a bit larger boned (I'm a horse person if you can't tell ).

I saddled and harnessed them half hazardly and walked them to the southern road.

You harness a horse to a wagon, buggy etc. . From what you are explaining, it sounds like you are saddling and bridling them which is also known as "tacking up". Also, I don't think hazardly is a word.

“Healing it. It won’t take long. I was going to in the hotel but they interrupted me,” responded as she looked at me with a smile.

I was going to do it in the hotel, but they interrupted me," she responded, looking at me with a [insert type] smile. Be careful of using as.

“Okay, well anyway I got three horses so if you two want to go anywhere, you can,” I said as I turned to the mother and her son.

she said as she walked over and took the pinto from me.

I responded as she mounted on the pinto.

Again, be careful of using as too much.

“Yea, told ya it wouldn’t take long.

“Yea, and I would like to avoid all towns and cities until we get to our destination.”

Yeah instead of yea .

We road on the southern road for several hours before coming upon another macabre sight.

Rode not road.

“A couple days, why?”

She seems kinda clueless.

Parts of the inner city were scorching, but most of it was up.

still intact instead of up.

Great job! I think I pretty much said everything up there ^^. The only other thing I can say is be sure that you show and don't tell. Your story is one of the most interesting I've read.

Happy Writing,
Falcon