Young Writers Society

The Moonstone, a royally built vessel lay elegantly on the dark, night sea. The ship was an Elenian craft, marked undoubtedly by it’s broad bow and sharp curvature. A savagely snarling figure embellished the prow. A representation of a raging tiger, as life-like in the construction, that one would have to wonder if the curling claws and slashing teeth, were merely a simple figure.
Pulled up next to The Moonstone, was another ship; much smaller and unadorned. A dark flag, with no apparent symbols, marked the foremast and flailed about spastically in the sharp wind. No sign could be found on the ship that could hold it to a certain name or country.
This unnamed ship had attached itself firmly to the side of the first ship, and it’s eager occupants were now pouring onto the deck of The Moonstone, where a battle had begun to take place. The battle was doing poorly for The Moonstone’s crew, for they had had no warning of the attack. Although they fought bravely, men were falling quickly, and it was soon apparent as to who the conqueror would be.
Meanwhile, below deck, there came a sharp ’s wail. A young, fair-haired woman tried her best to comfort the child, but it to no avail. The thumping and raging on the deck above them, carried to her ears, and she felt as frightened as the child seemed to be. “Hush, now…” The mother said comfortingly, although fear edged her voice. “All will be well, my daughter… My beautiful princess…” She hugged the child to her chest, blinking tears of fright as she did so.
The thumping of heavy footsteps coming down the stairs to the lower deck, met her ears, and she jumped at the sound. Clasping her child tighter, she spun around to meet the intruder. A tall, strongly built man, wearing the emblems of a captain entered where she stood, and he bowed hurriedly. “Your majesty.” He said in a pressurized greeting.
The woman let out a sigh of relief. “What is it, Kedan? Please, tell me how is the battle going…”
“Poorly, my lady…” The man exclaimed in a hushed voice. “I fear we are to lose the ship.“
The look of fright on the woman’s face was apparent. “What are we to do, Kedan?” The fair-haired woman quivered. “What of the child?”
Kedan stood, his face resolute. “I fear that was the reason we were attacked in the first place. Come with me quickly, your majesty. A boat has been lowered. We must get you and the out of here.”
The woman looked anxious as she surveyed Kedan for a sign of encouragement. “We are to abandon the ship?”
“Not we.” Kedan corrected sharply. “You. You and the child. There is not room enough for more.”
“But, Kedan…” The woman’s voice faded into a whisper. “I do not know where to go.”
“Move away from the us and the enemy ship, whoever they are…” Kedan instructed. “Then just let your boat drift. No doubt, the King will send the entirety of his navy out looking for you when he learns of our attack.” His voice tensed in urgency, and he hurried across the room and fetched a black cloak that had been draped across a divan. “Please hurry, my lady. We have no time to lose.”
The woman nodded numbly as she slipped into the cloak that Kedan held out for her. Then, clutching the still moaning child to her chest, she followed the soldier into the confusion of battle above deck.

***

A dark, strongly-built young man walked along the wave-torn beach with much on his mind. The rising and falling euphonious sounds of the surf helped him to relax. The man’s name was Lendarr, and many things troubled him this day.
The night before, his father, a great chieftain of the Elowien tribes had been killed while battling the enemy, the Elenians. As the only heir, Lendarr had been named chieftain. Although Lendarr had always known that this time would come, the weight of the task before him was weighing heavily on his mind.
Having all these heavy responsibilities cast onto him at once, Lendarr had withdrawn to walk the beach alone. He needed time to sort his thoughts…
A weak cry drifted through the air and met Lendarr’s ears and he sharpened at once, looking around and trying to find the source of the fragile noise.
The noise led him to a large mass of rocks next to the surf. Skipping from stone to stone, Lendarr made his way until a small rowboat could be seen caught among the rocks. Curious, yet cautious, Lendarr waded through the water and pulled the boat back to shore behind him.
When the boat was safely trapped on the sand, Lendarr knelt and peered into the boat to look over this discovery. Inside was a fair-haired, beautiful young maiden; still and cold with . From her light colored hair and skin, Lendarr knew that this woman was of Elenian . At any other time, Lendarr would have spat into the sand upon the touching of an enemy's , but the woman's mysterious finding still lay in his mind and he hesitated. Although the woman's body was cold and damp, a warm whimpering bundle was still cradled tenderly in her arms. Lendarr scooped up the child and with his toughened, warrior’s hands, and awkwardly tried to soothe the child.
The child was obviously one of the enemy, and yet, he couldn’t leave the child here to die. Mystified, Lendarr hurried to his village to seek council.

***

“It is a child, Lendarr.” Teleia, the oldest woman of the village told him as she unwrapped the child. Some in the village considered Teleia a seeress, although she had never claimed to be so herself. If she was or not, Teleia was greatly respected throughout the village.
Lendarr shifted uncertainly, and looked up at the wrinkled woman. “What is to be done with her?”
“The gods sent her to you.” Teleia said, rewrapping the child tenderly. “She will be yours to raise. Name her and teach her as if she was of your own .”
“But she is an Elenian…” Lendarr said factually.
“That is of no matter.” Teleia said tersely. “She was sent to you on the water. She was meant for you.”
Teleia held out the child for him, and Lendarr took the child more gravely than he had the first time. Looking at the small child, Lendarr felt what it was like to be a father. Something that he had not experienced since his wife had died trying to bear their own child, two years ago. The child had been born still and Lendarr had never felt what it was like to hold a living life within his hands.
Teleia looked on with a wrinkled smile. “May I ask what you will name her?” She asked.
Lendarr was silent for a moment, and then answered reverently. “Cyra.”
“Gift of the water…“ Teleia chuckled. “A fitting name.”
_____________________
This is my first try at plugging something on this site. I'm interested to see the results. If you enjoyed it, please leave me a note...

I thought I commented on this some time ago, but ah well...

I liked it. The story is good, and well written, but it also needs to be fleshed out more, and some things need to be shifted about.

The beginning is interesting, but the action doesn't seem real. First, the characters didn't seem that concerned about it, and also it was so early in the story that I didn't feel that concerned about it. To be honest, the beginning was kind of a yawning moment. It was interesting, but not captivating. You might want to put it in some kind of context, and kind of explain what exactly is going on. Who's fighting who? Why does A not like B? I know it's an unnamed enemy ship, but you need to disclose what the motivations of the enemy ship are.

After the beginning, the story picks up. Your descriptions are good, although it's never a good idea to use big words like "euphonious" as words that you do not encounter in everyday speech tend to distract the reader from the story.

The ending right now is nice and it adds a nice mystery element in this story. It'll be interesting as to where you take this.

Ooo...yes! I agree with Nate, however, you have this bloody battle going on and you don't say anything about it, only 'there was a battle going on'. Which is painfully O-B-V-I-O-U-S. If you want to say that, describe the battle. What are the men on deck feeling? What is the young lady thinking about? And another thing- when the guy finds this lady, at first, I thought, 'Hey, wait a minute, why is this dude taking her baby? Why doesn't she protest???' If the reader is that confuzzled, maybe you should add some description or say something like, 'She looked dead', at least. That way we, as the readers, aren't guessing about stuff just so it makes sense.

Other than that, congrats. I'd love to read more.

very brilliant! Aside from some grammatical errors-which you can probably find if you read through it again yourself-it's wonderful. Super duper. J/k. No really it's great. I love the imagery of the ship and the fighting and the fair-haired lady (although you used that description a bit too much) and the young man with the warrior's hands (I have odd obsessions with hands, which you'll find out if you read my story, The Room) actually, that was my favorite part. I could just picture a hot young warrior on the beach trying to soothe a crying baby with his hot calloused warriors hands. I love hands. I should write a poem...

sorry about that...anyway it's brilliant! simply superb...I need to stop critiquing this before I call it fabulous. oops. too late. Oh well. Bye!

Misty Kynn

Lynn. I meant Lynn. Misty Lynn. Although Misty Kynn is an interesting name...sort of like Misty Skye. I like that name too. Sorry about that!

---“We must get you and the out of here.”

That line is missing a word between "you and the" and "out of here."

---"Inside was a fair-haired, beautiful young maiden; still and cold with ."

There's a word missing after "with"

---“It is a child, Lendarr.”

We already know this. A seer would not state something so obvious.

Anyways, is it just me, or is this a parallel to the story of Moses? Either way, neat story, although certain parts don't flow well. Keep on writing, I like it!


By the way, Misty, you can edit your posts by clicking the "Edit" button that is either on the top or bottom of your post, for future reference.

I agree with the previous posts.

I like the idea, but you don't present the idea very well.

Before I start, I want to say I know it's hard to hear criticism, especially from someone you'll never even see, but it helps.

The story is very stale. You need to put some life into it. Give it some CPR, and you'll find you can raise the dead. I can tell that you rushed through this. Take your time. It takes me almost a month to write three pages. Now, that's just me, and I'm slow. My point is that you need to really think about what you're writing, and what you're going to write. You've got the idea, the bones, give it some flesh. Give it five meals a day, and make it work out for 90 minutes a day 5 days a week. You'll find that, when you take your time with it, the story will become not just a story, but a work of art that everyone will enjoy.

I really like the beginning when you are describing the ship. I wish you took as much time (or more) on describing and introducing the characters. I think that this is fairly well written, but it's lacking in depth. Several things have already happened, but you went through them so quickly, we don't have any time to care about them. I don't care about this child, or his dead mother, or this boy who's lost his father...But thanks for the opportunity to read this, and I hope everyone's comments have helped you. Also, I would like to say pay special attention to Bobo's post, because the missing words are kind of confusing. Here's a helpful hint: when editing, lose the adjectives and adverbs first. (Adjectives describe things: beautiful, sad, mystical... and adverbs modify a verb: quickly, very, knowingly...) Good luck in revising this and continuing with the story. It takes a lot of patience to write, and I'm glad you've chosen to do so.

-Sarah

I liked this story a lot. I felt that the battle on the ship should have been a little more focused on. You basically got that theres a battle going on on these two ships and thats it. add a little bit to that. Also, great work on the imagery, especially the ships. Well...good job !!

This is really good. Your descriptions are rich and the flow of the plot and dialogue was great. The battle scene was well done... but I kind of wish there were more graphic descriptions. Being a person who liked 300 and Troy, I'm a sucker for real bloodletting. Is that creepy?

Anyway, this was, all in all, just great. I really hope you keep writing. I'll be looking for the continuation.

I liked it very much, but still you need more depth into it like everyone else said.