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Modern Day Outlaw (Ch. 1, pt. 1) Rewrite!



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Mon Jan 14, 2008 12:41 pm
JabberHut says...



Alrighty, I completely rewrote the first part of chapter 1. It's completely different so you won't miss anything if you wish to read and review. :D

Chapter 1

Bang! Bang! Bang!

I stared in awe at my father’s precision. Three glass bottles shattered at once, leaving over twenty left sitting on the wooden ledge. My father chuckled when he saw my face and ruffled my brown hair. “You wanna shoot like that?”

I nodded eagerly, excitement flooding my veins. I looked up into my father’s brown eyes and he smiled, handing his gun to me. “Give it a whirl, son.”

I gaped at the gun in my hands, not believing my father would let me hold it. I was only ten years old. Never had I held his precious weapon, a weapon given to him with his golden Sheriff badge and huge black hat.

My father clapped me on the back, causing dust to rise from my brown jacket. I sneezed into my sleeve and wiped my nose before my father shoved my forward toward the bottles. “C’mon, son, give ‘em your best shot.”

I held up the gun and pointed, trying to look exactly like my father. My hand was shaking and I couldn’t aim. My bullet could be going anywhere, but I pulled the trigger and was knocked off my feet from the sudden force. My father caught me and stood me on my feet. “Good job, son! For a first timer, tha’s pretty good.”

I looked up at the glass bottles. None of them were broken, not even cracked. I didn’t understand how I did a good job. However, my father was still proud. He jammed his Sheriff hat on my head. “We could use you on the force!” he said, clapping his big hand on my shoulder. My knees buckled under the great pressure.

He took the gun from my hands and shoved me back behind him. “Watch carefully, son,” he said. He parted his feet and bent his knees slightly. One arm was held out behind him while the other pointed toward the bottles. I took his stance in and forced it into my memory for when I would hold a gun again. He didn’t move for quite some time, and I was beginning to worry when a Bang! sounded and a bottle shattered.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

One after the other, without pause, the bottles exploded from the force of the bullet. I looked back to my father. He didn’t move from his stance—not an inch. He shot another bottle, then another…I tried to copy his stance, separating my feet and holding out my arms. When my father finally stood up, I quickly resumed standing, scratching my head when he turned to look at me.

“Wan’ another go?” he asked, holding out his gun.

I jumped on the spot and ran over to him, gently picking up the gun from his hands. I separated my feet, trying to copy my father. He helped me position my feet in a more gripping stance. I held out my arm behind me, my other pointing toward the bottles. My father fixed the hat on my head before taking a step backwards. I could see a lot better.

My hand was still shaking. I was going to miss the bottles again, I knew I would. I braced my knees so I wouldn’t fly back into my father’s arms. I gritted my teeth as I pulled the trigger. I stumbled backwards, but caught myself before my father could catch me. He wouldn’t’ve anyway as he applauded me.

“You got one, Bradley! Tha’s m’boy!”

He tackled me to the ground and I laughed, the hat flying off into the dust. He started tickling my sides and I rolled around in the dirt yard, my brown jacket and jeans covered in the pale brown dust. I couldn’t breathe from my father’s continual tickling. When he stopped to let me breathe, I rammed into him, knocking him to the ground this time.

“Hey, Sheriff.”

We stopped and looked up at Deputy Luke standing in the backdoor of the Sheriff’s office. He laughed at the sight of us two roughhousing. “Yer son’s beatin’ ya, Sheriff.”

“I said we could use ‘im on the force,” my father said, ruffling my hair. “He shot ‘is firs’ two bullets and got a flask already.”

“Really? Mus’ be beginner’s luck,” Deputy Luke said with a wink, stepping down the wooden stairs. My father stood up and I followed suit. Deputy Luke’s blue shirt and black pants were much cleaner than my father’s suit. His friendly blue eyes swept from me to my father. “There was a figh’ down in the bar, Sheriff.”

“Again?” my father grunted, swinging his gun into its holster. “Did you take care of it?”

“Supposedly one had a gun,” Deputy Luke continued and my father’s brow furrowed. “He sho’ the bartender in the shoulder, missin’ his target. He’s sitting in the jail cell now.”

“I’ll go see ‘im,” my father said. He went to pick up his hat before walking into the office. Deputy Luke turned to me and looked at the glass bottles.

“So you sho’ one, eh?”

“Yeah!” I said, bouncing on my toes. “It was amazing! I blasted that bottle to bits just like a Sheriff!”

Deputy Luke laughed and drew his gun. “Let’s see how I fare against the Sheriff.”

I quickly stepped back to allow Deputy Luke some room. To my disappointment, he didn’t take on my father’s same stance. He stood there on two feet as normally as any beginner would. He held out his gun, holding it with two hands.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Three bottles down. I gaped. He shot just as fast as my father, and obviously just as accurate, but he didn’t stand like my father at all. How could that be? Deputy Luke saw me and grinned. He settled his gun into its holster, asking, “You wanna hit the bar with Book? I got another King tale to tell.”

I gasped. “Definitely!” I ran straight through the office.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Reviews appreciated. :D
Last edited by JabberHut on Fri Jan 18, 2008 1:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Mon Jan 14, 2008 2:27 pm
Rubric says...



"I nodded uncontrollably"
Makes sense, but perhaps "I nodded fervently" would fit better?

"believing my father let me hold it"
for some obscure reason I think you should put a "would" or "had" after father.

"Never have I held "
shift in tense, keep it past: "Never had I held"

"clapped my on the back, dust rising from my brown jacket"
should probably be "clapped me on my back, causing dust to rise from my brown jacket."

"backwards from the sudden force. "
try "backwards from the sudden recoil."

"I buckled my knees under the great pressure. "
"My knees buckled under the great pressure." - you don't buckle your knees, as its something done to you, not something you do to yourself.

"while the other pointed to the bottles"
"while the other pointed toward the bottles"

"One after the other, nonstop, the bottles"
I think non-stop isn't neccesarily an appropriate wor here....you could try "without pause", as it seems less vernacular.

"“Wanna 'nother go?” "
I was waiing for this to happen. Up until here your use of 'real' language has been great. However "Wanna" translates to 'want a' and 'nother is shortened for 'another'. "want a another go" doesn't make sense, and wouldn't be said generally, so you might want to try "Wanna try again?" or something.

"picking up the gun from his hands"
i don't know why, but I'd love to see "reverentely" in here somewhere...

“I said we could use him on the force,” my father said, ruffling my hair. “He shot his first two bullets and got a flask already.”
Is this shift to more formal language intentional?

"It was awesome! I blasted that bottle "
This is a teenager from our time, the use of 'awesome' just doesn't fit with the rest of the speech being used.

I love this, don't let my rather blunt critiquing put you off, it's just how I roll. Looking forward to more :P.

Cheerio,
Rubric
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Mon Jan 14, 2008 9:33 pm
Alice says...



Warning: I shall be VERY nit-picky

I looked [color=red]up[/color into my father’s brown


his Sheriff badge and hat.

I think you need a little more admiration in the description of that. Maybe, "his shiney Sheriff badge and huge hat" or something to that effect.

holding out my gun


I thought it was the dad's gun?

“Hey, Sheriff.”

We stopped and looked up at Deputy Luke standing in the backdoor of the Sheriff’s office. He laughed at the sight of us two roughhousing. “Yer son’s beatin’ ya, Sheriff.”

“I said we could use him on the force,” my father said, ruffling my hair. “He shot his first two bullets and got a flask already.”

“Really? Mus’ be beginner’s luck,” Deputy Luke said with a wink, stepping down the wooden stairs. My father stood up and I followed suit. Deputy Luke’s blue shirt and black pants were much cleaner than my father’s suit. His friendly blue eyes swept from me to my father. “There was a figh’ down in the bar, Sheriff.”

“Again?” my father grunted, swinging his gun into its holster. “Did you take care of it?”

“Supposedly one had a gun,” Deputy Luke continued and my father’s brow furrowed. “He sho’ the bartender in the shoulder, missin’ his target. He’s sitting in the jail cell now.”

“I’ll go see ‘im,” my father said. He went to pick up his hat before walking into the office. Deputy Luke turned to me and looked at the glass bottles.


The dialog here seems really akward, but I don't really know how to deal with akward dialog, at least I don't know how to explain fixing akward dialog.

All and all it was done a lot better as a first part, you cut out a lot of the descriptions about the town, the dad, Luke, and all that and allowed more room for story. Unlike the problem I tend to have with mine when they're mostly dialog, you have your fair share but to a degree that was even with the rest of the work.

Bravo on the editing!
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Fri Jan 18, 2008 1:53 am
JabberHut says...



Thanks you two! Those crits were greatly appreciated!

Seeing as you both critted pretty much the same way, I'll give you two the same comment. :) I fixed the grammar mistakes, thank you very much for catching them. I fixed the dialogue in that one spot, Insomnia, so thanks for that.

I'm glad you two enjoyed this and I hope more will come by and enjoy it just as much.

It has been edited. ^^

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Sat Jan 19, 2008 8:57 pm
~Volant~ says...



Aw, I like this! It's cute!

"He tackled me to the ground and I laughed, the hat flying off into the dust. He started tickling my sides and I rolled around in the dirt yard, my brown jacket and jeans covered in the pale brown dust. I couldn’t breathe from my father’s continual tickling."

Being rolled around in the dust, I wouldn't be able to breathe, period. It's seems a little awekward to me, and it bothers me a little. It makes sense, but, for some odd reason, it bothers me.

But it's really good! I had a lot of fun reading this! well done!
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Sun Jan 20, 2008 5:52 pm
Aedomir says...



Hi! I thought I'd return the favour:

When I read this, I was stunnned by how good a writer you are!!! Serioulsy, you would give thousands of proffesional writrs a run for their money.

Your vocab is very advanced by the looks of it and I really like your dialgoue. The few grammar issues I would have had after ountless reads, have been noted.

I had a good time reading this, well done! Superb for a 16 year old, no doubt about it.

Good luck!
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Sun Jan 20, 2008 7:06 pm
Emerson says...



I nodded eagerly[s], excitement flooding my veins[/s].
I think you could survive without this part. I know how tempting it is to say something like that (I do it too!) but in the overall picture of things, it doesn't add anything to the story. I think it's easy to tell that he is excited.

Never had I held his precious weapon, a weapon given to him with his golden Sheriff badge and huge black hat.
Backward construction, though fun, doesn't work here. Change "Never had I" to "I had never". The piece is real modern-ish, so it works better in modern speech.

My father clapped me on the back, causing dust to rise from my brown jacket.
"causing" is kind of a bad verb to use. You may want to do one of two things: but an "and" in there, or start a new sentence.

before my father shoved [s]my[/s] me forward toward the bottles.


tha’s pretty good.
I'm guessing that you wrote "tha's" on purpose, but I cannot be sure?

“Watch carefully, son,” he said. He parted his feet and bent his knees slightly.
from so reason I really want to push these sentences together and have it say: "....he said, as he parted his feet and bent..." or "...he said while parting his feet..." but it is up to you.

I tried to copy his stance, separating my feet and holding out my arms. When my father finally stood up, I quickly resumed standing, scratching my head when he turned to look at me.
I love the characterization here. It's great, and so cute.

He wouldn’t’ve anyway as he applauded me.
Your hunk of conjunctions scares me, and I do not understand what you are trying to say.

This is really good, Jabs. :D I love the little kid. The only problem I see with it is there isn't much of a conflict set up yet so I do not know where this is going. I would read more (your characters are great!) but you need to give us some conflict so we know what might happen next, or what the story is going to be about. Other than that I really liked it!

Just a tip, although I'm not suggesting it too highly, you make want to keep in mind third person possibilities. First person bothers a lot of people, and honestly, it can be harder to write and it gets so introspective that the writing ends up being boring and bland fast. You don't have to change it, but you may just want to think about it to be sure you're in the right POV.

Best of luck!
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Mon Jan 21, 2008 1:29 am
Reakeda says...



shoved me forward toward the bottles.


Much better, Jabber. This actually manage to keep interest. It flowed rather nicely and the dialogue didn't throw me a bit. ^^ It was enjoyable rather than boring like the original. Lovely! Looking forward to part two. Only problem I saw, really, was that little typo I pointed out.

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Mon Jan 21, 2008 2:42 pm
Teh Wozzinator says...



I really liked it, but the grammar's already been taken care of (yes!) for me, so I'll just comment. I think that it's a good start to a story, it was fun, and the kid and the sheriff were both great characters. If you ever write more...PM me.
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Sat Feb 02, 2008 9:00 pm
BigBadBear says...



That was really good, Jabber. You made it seem really realistic.

Since you are the grammar expert, I couldn't pick up on any grammar issues, so I guess I only have one little thing that I would change.

“I’ll go see ‘im,” my father said. He went to pick up his hat before walking into the office. Deputy Luke turned to me and looked at the glass bottles.


The father just walks away. I mean, he would at least have said, "Cya cowboy" to his son. XD I know that this is random, but he just leaves.

So, other than that this was really great. It was totally realistic. You have brought your characters to life! This is soo cool!

The diolouge was amazing. I can't complain about it. You have brought out the accent perfectly, without over doing it.

So, I really have nothing more to say other than I need to read the rest of this! Please PM me with the link or something. This was way cool!

BBB
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Sun Feb 03, 2008 12:45 am
Cheeky Coconut Smoothy Lo says...



Sheriff is not a specific name of a badge or hat, no caps on the 'S' please. As for his office, capitalize the O.

Contrary to Author13's comment on the badge and hat, please no adjectives. 'Shiny' and 'huge' are adjectives that just bloat it. For that sentance, just use sheriff's badge and hat.

Another note I want to point out, the lack of t's on sho(t). Without the 't' it would be sho, as in 'fo sho'. Or in 'Wan(t)'. While the dialog definately has the accent, it doesn't stay constant. Also if this is a Texan (North texan) accent, you are missing quite an amount of the lingo. If you have ever been down to the south, by like 'Misoura' the accent is so thick that it is often unrecognizable. Popular tourist attractions aside, the true dialog of the south is as rich and thick as its heritage.

Shot = Sot if you use a thick accent, rather then Sho. It sounds too much like 'Show'

'Sho' the bartender'

or

'Sot teh bartenda'
  





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Thu Feb 28, 2008 8:38 pm
Charlie II says...



The Belated Crit!

Grrr. You've got me stumped! It's going to be tricky finding much wrong with this piece; you've done a great job with it!

1. Onomatopoeia

Ok, to begin with, you use onomatopoeia as your opening line. This is acceptable if you're writing for a fairly young audience, but for a reader at our age (15-16) it's going to seem a bit too childish and they'll probably put the book down. As hooks go, it's not quite jarring enough to make me instantly want to read on, but it will do if you're writing for a young reader.

Like all things, onomatopoeia is fine in moderation. But, please consider limiting it's use throughout the piece because it can get repetitive, cheesy and annoying. Occasional use will be fine, and it will have more impact when you do use it.

... Bang! :P

2. Contrasting Characters

And this, too, is very nit-picky: so far you haven't introduced any character that can be considered contrasting. Sure, Deputy Luke is perhaps a bit less scruffy and gunslingery than the sheriff, but he's got the same "enjoy life" attitude, and as such there is no real conflict. The story starts to improve near the end with the conflict of stances, but before then it seems as if you're only setting the scene. See if you can set the scene and get some conflict in early on!

3. Err ... gee ... gotta be ... something ...

No, I give up. It's good, Jab-jab-jabbity-jab! I didn't notice any faults in the grammar or spelling, but to be honest I wasn't looking that hard :P. It seems like the story has only just got going (I suppose that's because it's only a small part of the first chapter) but I still think you could add some more plot moving action earlier in.

PM me the next part/link/thing you want critiquing and I'll get round to it some year! ;)

Charlie
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Mon Mar 03, 2008 9:31 pm
RatchetWriter says...



Nice!

I went back to your other start, and I actually like it better, but anyway...

This section was well written. The characters felt real, and the ecitement and kindness from the son and father was spot on.

If this start is followed by rewrites of the other pieces, then the bad will need to be introduced in the second chapter, to keep things in suspense.

Well, that's it I guess...

RW
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