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Young Writers Society


Takeover Account 1 part 2



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Wed Feb 27, 2008 4:02 am
Ghostwriter says...



I Don’t know what happened after that.
I guess you can say that I turned into one of them.
I spend all that time while being one of them sleeping. Not exactly torture.
But it was horrible when I woke up.

Takeover

I woke up kneeling on the ground. Thing first thing I saw was a white clean room.
“ Note that it is praying.”
I’m not praying, what am I doing? And who was that?
I Looked up and saw that I was in a clean white paneled room. There was a mirror on one side of the room.
“ It… it has a face?”
Suddenly a large panel of the room fell down…revealing a man in a white bio suit.
“ Come with me.” The man said in a raspy voice.
“ No.” I gasped and stood up.
“ You will not feel anything, you will be safe with us.”
I shook my head and saw a metal pipe. What was it doing there?
I grabbed it and raised it above my head.
“ Calm down. Just give me the pipe and we all figure this out.”
“ Shut up!” I Shouted at the man.
The man then took out a baton and the thing shimmered in electric power.
“ don’t make me use this.” The man rasped.
I then dropped the pipe…on the man’s head.
The man dropped to the ground without even a sound.
I grabbed the baton and stood outside of the panel opening.
“ Come back here. It’s not safe out there.”
I looked at the window and raised my fist and gave them the bird.
I Ran out of the room and into the rain.

I saw the rain, I heard the rain was there, I felt the cold of the rain…but I didn’t see the rain.
I saw what the rain fell on.
It was the united states capital.
But now instead of the Red white and blue for it’s color’s above it,
It showed nothing but a blank white flag.
“ Oh my god…” I whimpered and then I saw a puddle.
I saw a man with shaggy hair and a 5 clock shadow while wearing a white jumpsuit.
The last time I had remembered…I was 13.
“ What in the world happened to me?” I then heard a bell ring. It was like a school bell.
“ Time, 4:50 P:M. Period for joy walking.”
I then heard A rthyem of door’s open. I looked down the street. All the doors opened and faceless people in the same white suit as me came out and walked quickly to me.
“ No…” I closed my eyes….and felt the faceless people bump into me.
They all seem as if they didn’t notice me.
Their hair was matted back so that you can see they have no ears or eyes or nose…or mouth. I slowly touched one of them and they went on.
“ That really solves a lot of problems.” I whispered and then heard a police siren. I took a puddle of rain and splashed it over my hair and slicked it back. I then putted my face down.
The car slowly drived by. I took a peek and almost yelled.
It was fully faced people. They had eyes and ears and a mouth…Their hair was also slicked back but not like these…people.
“ It must have left the area.” One of them said to the other. They were fully uniformed police officer’s. They stared at the people looked for a face.
“ Yes, we must find it…before it finds the underground.”
The underground? There people who are like me?
“ Do not worry…There sending over the tracking device they installed in every one of them…he shall be tracked in a matter of seconds.”
I then knew I could do two things, give myself up and hope I will get shot in the head….or give them a little race.
I took one last look at the police officer’s and saw them looked quickly over to me.
“ Bye.” I whispered and then took off.
  





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Wed Feb 27, 2008 5:02 am
Teague says...



Ghostwriter, please please PLEASE do four critiques before posting any more of your work. It is a rule here, and while I am not a moderator, I do not want to have to ask one to step in. Doing two critiques to every one piece of work you post is not just a rule here, it is also common courtesy. I've already provided you with a link to the board rules as set down by Nate, the administrator here.

If you post another piece without doing reviews, I will ask a moderator to step in. You've had two warnings now. Please get around to those reviews. It helps keep the site moving and helps keep things fair.

Much love.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:
"2-4-6-8! I like to delegate!" -Meshugenah
"Teague: Stomping on your dreams since 1992." -Sachiko
"So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber
  





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Points: 890
Reviews: 126
Wed Feb 27, 2008 10:51 pm
Blue Fairy says...



Hi Ghost

I don't understand why you have put each sentence on a new line. It looks more like a detailed plan then a story. I know you have a lot of speech but some of the descriptions is just random lines :?

I also think you should seperate your paragraphs more. More people will review.

remember to do those crits. :D

good luck

~Fairy :smt051
Formely known as Fairy_twinkletoes_13

Grab a pogo stick and come and....pogo with me!

Brains first, then hard work. That's the way to build a house- Eeyore
  





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Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:17 am
crazychicgonemad says...



ok fairy has already informed you about the sentence spacing and paragraphs so i wont repeated cause it kinda frustrates me when people send me stuff like that. I liked the story i just thought it need more details which is about all i can say about that.



-VALERIE
  








Live your life how you want, but don't confuse drama with happiness.
— Ron, Parks & Rec