Young Writers Society

Amnesia

Prologue

Cold fear pain. These were all the feelings that rushed through my body as I crashed head first into the sea of daggers. The icy water filled my lungs, as I struggled to close my mouth. I tried to gulp for air, but what was I thinking I was underwater, there was no air.
*
My ears popped as the sound of screaming and water filled them. My skin numb and ghost like, white as sheep it was. They felt rough to my touch. I tried to think back to what my swimming instructors had said, but there was nothing. There was nothing to remember. My memories vanished, gone, everything blank. Even my name was gone. My family, my favourite things, my hobbies, my talents, my friends, all of it was just gone. Everything was dark, but then I realised my eyes were shut tight. I opened but shortly closed them as the salt burned my deep eyes. I tried to swim against the thundering currents, but time and time again i was pushed back. The force was too great. I felt like i was being strangled, but this time like I was being strangled in a hundred different ways. Like an invisible creature was gripping its claws around my neck and pulling at different angles, cackling at my suffering. Then suddenly i felt weightless, all the strength in me was gone. And all that was left was to simply give up and let the darkness take me.
*
I stared helplessly into the depths of the ocean, waiting for it to end, waiting for the torture to stop. And then it happened. At first it was peaceful, painless end. But I was wrong, that was just the beginning. I began to splutter, gasping, gulping for breath, choking as the seas grip over me tightened. My hands desperately reached up and grabbed at the water trying to hull myself up onto land, onto safety. But it was no good, and after three painful minutes my energy ran out and I descended into the depths of the ocean awaiting my fate.

This is a nice story and its descriptive which i like. Good Job I must say i didn't find any spelling errors or punctionuation errors neither. I really enjoyed reading it.
Have a good day. be well.

From SimonCowellLuver

Aside from WAY WAY too much use of I and my it is good. I suggest removing them all unless they are absolute necessary. No one should be saying my or I every six word or so. That is your biggest weakness in this 'prologue', but it really doesn't feel like a prologue at all.

Deleted words indicated by strike-outs; added/modified parts in bold; my commentary in red.

Cold fear pain. These were [s]all[/s] the feelings that rushed through my body as I crashed head first into the sea of daggers. The icy water filled my lungs[s],[/s] as I struggled to close my mouth. I tried to gulp for air, but what was I thinking; I was underwater; there was no air.
*
My ears popped as the sound of screaming and water filled them. My skin was numb and ghost like, white as sheep [s]it was[/s]. [s]They[/s] It (?) felt rough to my touch. I tried to think back to what my swimming instructors had said, but there was nothing. There was nothing to remember. My memories vanished, gone, everything blank. Even my name was gone. My family, my favourite things, my hobbies, my talents, my friends, all of it was just gone. Everything was dark, but then I realised my eyes were shut tight. I opened but shortly closed them as the salt burned my deep eyes. I tried to swim against the thundering currents, but time and time again I was pushed back. The force was too great. I felt like I was being strangled, but this time like I was being strangled in a hundred different ways. [Way too many "but"s in those last few sentences. Rework them.] Like an invisible creature was gripping its claws around my neck and pulling at different angles, cackling at my suffering. Then suddenly I felt weightless; all the strength in me was gone. [s]And[/s] All that was left was to simply give up and let the darkness take me.
*
I stared helplessly into the depths of the ocean, waiting for it to end, waiting for the torture to stop. And then it happened. At first it was a peaceful, painless end. But I was wrong, that was just the beginning. I began to splutter, gasping, gulping for breath, choking as the sea's grip over me tightened. My hands desperately reached up and grabbed at the water trying to [s]hull[/s] haul myself up onto land[s], on[/s]to safety. But it was no good, and after three painful minutes my energy ran out and I descended into the depths of the ocean awaiting my fate. [I think that last sentence is rather weak.]

Hope that helped! =)

Prokaryote

"Cold fear pain. These were all the feelings that rushed through my body as I crashed head first into the sea of daggers. The icy water filled my lungs, as I struggled to close my mouth. I tried to gulp for air, but what was I thinking I was underwater, there was no air."

the first sentence isn't complete but you can complete it easily. You can change it to "Cold, fear, and pain: These were all the feelings..."

"The icy water filled my lungs, as I struggled to close my mouth."

There's no need for a comma after lungs. It makes a pause which doesn't fit the sentence.

"I tried to gulp for air, but what was I thinking I was underwater, there was no air."

This would sound much better in two sentences. Maybe: "I tried to gulp for air, but what was I thinking? I was underwater: There was no air."

"My memories vanished, gone, everything blank."

I don't really like howthis is worded. It looks like a cool effect to put short words but maybe "My memories had vanished; they were gone and everything was blank." but that's just my opinion.

You need to watch out for over use of commas. I do it alot, too...

Collins are a very useful character so you might want to see when it would be better than a comma.

I like the story over all! I had me interested and I kept wanting to read to know what was going to happen! The last sentence is a little cliche, though.
I would like to read more!
~Tadatori53

Cold fear pain. These were all the feelings that rushed through my body as I crashed head first into the sea of daggers. The icy water filled my lungs, as I struggled to close my mouth. I tried to gulp for air, but what was I thinking I was underwater, there was no air.
*
My ears popped as the sound of screaming and water filled them. My skin numb and ghost like, white as sheep it was. They felt rough to my touch.

That just doesn't make sense. You need to specify what feels rough, and the first bit is a fragment.

Hello there! I think I've seen you around YWS a couple times? In case I'm making things up in my head again, my name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today!

Cold fear pain.

This would have more effect if you broke each word up into an individual sentence, i.e., "Cold. Fear. Pain."

These were all the feelings that rushed through my body as I crashed head first into the sea of daggers.

The "these were all the feelings" clause bugs me. It's just too much of a cop-out. I'd try something to the effect of "My body was overtaken as I crashed headfirst into the sea of daggers."
And by the way, "headfirst" is one word.

The icy water filled my lungs, as I struggled to close my mouth.

The comma after "my lungs" is unnecessary.

I tried to gulp for air, but what was I thinking I was underwater, there was no air.

This would also carry more impact if you broke it up. Try something like, "I tried to gulp for air, but I was underwater. There was no air."

My skin numb and ghost like, white as sheep it was.

Who are you, Yoda? Lol. Try "My skin was numb and ghostlike, white as a sheep" or soemthing similar.

time again i was pushed back.

Typo! The "I" should be capitalised.

all the strength in me was gone

If you get rid of "was," this'll carry more impact.

trying to hull myself up onto land,

Haul. Hull is part of a ship.

Question -- what does this have to do with amnesia? Seems more like drowning to me.

That aside, this was good! Your writing is good except for the spots that I pointed out above, which is okay. No one's perfect.

I have no huge complaints to register. Your writing is fluent, moves at a reasonable pace, and keeps me interested. Well done!

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate