z

Young Writers Society


1.25 Thomas Pinewood & The Grail Of Champions: Falice Wo



User avatar
174 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 5238
Reviews: 174
Sat Nov 03, 2007 2:16 pm
EliteHusky says...



Falice Woodsworth woke up to a burning sensation across his face. He was lying on his back, simply floating on the water surrounding him and by the looks of the darkening sky above, a fog had moved in. He recalled leaving Bagintons Academy, falling into a lake containing a series of underwater channels then being whipped and cut by the sucker-bearing tentacles of that atrocity. He gathered his strength and swam to the shoreline nearby. There he lay, panting for an hour, his face still stinging with misery. As he became more aware of his surroundings he brought himself to the edge of the shoreline and gazed at his reflection below in the water, finally recognizing the horrible state his face now retained. Climbing back up to his feet he patted his soggy shirt and searched the pockets of his pants. Feeling what he was looking for, he then removed a wooden stick from his left pocket.

“What a cruel twist that I have lost my image but has still the possession of my wand.” He then murmured an incantation but nothing happened, no surprises, he knew deep down that his face was beyond repair. Slowly refocusing his thoughts he conjured a white mask, with clearly marked nostrils and rectangular eye markings tilted at an angle to showcase his inner anger at the world. He would not make slits for his eyes in this mask no, instead he would learn to use his senses and by gathering his already potent magic, he pledged that he would exact his revenge on the very Academy which housed that monster. His next target would be Bagintons Academy, but first he would wait for this fog to pass.

How many years had he wasted at that Academy, the foolishness was beyond acceptance. “And now…they have introduced teams, during my studies everyone was grouped together, there were no Irish Dragons, no Hungarian Huskies or Scottish Kelpies and most of all there were no Nottingham Griffins.” He knew deep down the school had to raise the aspect of having teams because too many incidents were happening, with no competition during his stay, he and Samantha use to play tricks on the Academy’s troll staff. The worthless creatures never even deserved to be hired for cleaning, but how was Samantha Roberts doing? Last time he saw he saw her she was with her daughter Rebecca. Surely Rebecca would be attending the Academy soon, and how was his partner in magic, Markov Västervik? Surely he would have noticed his absence from the Academy. As a cool wind began to blow Falice stared at his now pale skin, he had not eaten in over twelve hours and by the looks of his current situation it would be another twelve before he found food.

He wandered around until at last the fog bearing sky began to dim darker, the winds picked up and howled even more. It was even starting to rain very lightly but enough to dampen the short grass where his feet stood and make them slippery. He stretched his wand outwards and yelled, “filimento!” His wand tip illuminated and out sprung a beam of light. “Whose there!?” Out in the distance a shadowy figure emerged, as the light from Falice’s wand reached the figure’s face he instantly grinned within his mask. “Good timing Västervik….” Markov stared at his face, which his mask now covered. “Surely you’ve had worse happen to you Västervik, my face, has been destroyed by that creature which I recall you denying. What, did, you say… right, weren’t you saying that there was no creature!” Markov leaned towards Falice and murmured, “We have to move.” Instantaneously Falice understood what his friend meant. Markov wept the sweat of his face and pulled brushed back his neck-long black hair. “It won’t be long until every single Ministry has your name on their capture list. After you disappeared I knew you must have went to the lake when I showed up and you weren’t there I checked the Academy’s maps of neighbouring channels which lead to rivers and streams from that lake. Now listen to me, there is a small inn nearby here, I’ll take you to it. I know the owner and we should be safe there.” “There is no ‘we’ Västervik, keep that in mind, if one of the Ministries does not catch me I will make sure they catch you. I still do not forgive you for your lack of information, which led to me wearing this mask. LISTEN TO ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!” Markov’s head was turned and quickly came back to meet Falice’s. “After we get to this inn I’ll have little use for you, and I highly recommend you find one, after all Västervik, you should know by now I have no sense of humour….”
Last edited by EliteHusky on Wed Jul 09, 2008 11:16 pm, edited 3 times in total.
  





User avatar
2631 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
Sun Nov 11, 2007 5:09 pm
Rydia says...



I think you had some lovely description in this section but it needs work. Some of your sentences are very confusing and it's hard to follow your plot, the way it seems to jump around. Here's some pointers -

Falice Woodsworth woke up to a burning sensation in his face. [Maybe across his face would sound better?]

“ What [No space between the speech marks and what.] a cruel twist that I have lost my image but [s]has[/s] am still in [s]the[/s] possession of my wand.”

He then murmured an incantation but nothing happened, no surprises, he knew deep down that his face was beyond repair, [I'd start a new sentence here.] slowly refocusing his thoughts he conjured a white mask, with clearly marked nostrils and rectangular eye markings tilted at an angle to showcase his inner anger at the world.

He would not make slots [Maybe slits would be better?] in this mask no, instead he would learn to use his senses and by gathering his already potent magic, he pledged that he would exact his revenge on the very Academy which housed that monster.

He knew deep down the school had to raise the aspect of having teams because too many incidents were happening, with no competition during his stay, he and Samantha used to play tricks on the Academy’s troll staff.

Last time he saw [s]he saw[/s] her she was with her daughter Rebecca.

He wandered around until at last the fog bearing sky began to dim [Maybe grow darker would be better?] darker, the winds picked up and howled [s]even[/s] more and more. It was [s]even[/s] starting to rain very lightly but enough to dampen the short grass where [s]his feet[/s] he stood[s] and make them slippery[/s] , soaking his shoes (or bare feet?)].

“Whose there!?” [Don't use more than one punctuation mark and it should be who's.]

“ We have to move.” [No space between speech marks and we.]

Markov [s]wept[/s] wiped the sweat [s]of[/s] from his face and [s]pulled[/s] brushed back his neck-long black hair.

After you disappeared I knew you must have [s]went[/s] gone to the lake. When I showed up and you weren’t there I checked the Academy’s maps of neighbouring channels which lead to rivers and streams from that lake.

LISTEN TO ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!” [Don't use all caps. It looks very unprofessional and really isn't necessary.]

In general, this was okay but it still seems a little unoriginal. Maybe change the number of teams they have and don't refer to the ministry because that was a creation of J.K's. Give it another name.
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.
  








"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind