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Jerrsea'ya: Wind of death part I



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Sat Oct 06, 2007 6:13 am
SeraphTree says...



Sorry everybody. I'm still kind of new to this -.-" I'll post it in parts. Thanks for warning me. X(


A small boy sat in the snow next to the softening stream, dozing slightly. The silence made him gaze at the reflections dancing on the stream’s frozen surface. He sighed irritably; what was taking his friend so long? They were supposed to break the ice tonight. Just as he was about to give up, the fool finally came, completely out of breath.

“Iistengel, I’m sorry I dozed off…”

“Very well done Briind. Just let me sit here and freeze to death. I see how it is.”

“I’m really sorry…”

“Forget it.”

Iistengel quickly stripped down, laying out his thick caribou robe. Briind did the same. The two paused, gazing breathlessly at each other. Iistengel offered a feral grin, and then bowed to his friend.

“After you Eisen. You are the best looking after all.”

Briind grinned and saluted his little friend. He then leapt into the water, the thin sheet of ice cascading away from his body. Iistengel watched happily as his friend turned and motioned for him to jump in. Iistengel grinned breathlessly, and sprang into the air, landing in the tepid water. There was another shower of ice flying through the air. Iistengel shot into the air, flinging back his hair.

“Feels good huh?”

Iistengel smiled sweetly and nodded. Briind had his point; the water felt very good after months of not being able to wash. The boy leaned himself down in the water and began to scrub his greasy scalp. Briind smiled craftily and mimicked his movements.

“Yes, the red really shows through.”

Iistengel smacked some water at him. The other ducked away, laughing. Iistengel stared across the huge valley, taking in the beauty of the night. He saw a raven glide across the low moon. A slight chill crept into his body.

“I’m going to get out now Eisen.”

The boy waded to the snowy shore, hopping onto his thick blanket. He quickly put on his boots, wrapping himself in the huge fur. Briind did the same and grasped his clothes. Iistengel blushed and grabbed his. The boy smiled sheepishly at him and began to lead them through the slick snow walls to his snowed in hut.

As soon as they arrived, Briind plopped down by the fire, pulling off his boots. Iistengel copied him, slightly surprised that his body was so chilly.

“So, what now?”

Briind turned to look at him. Iistengel gazed back at his friend, feeling himself glad and excited to be with him.

“Now, we sleep.”

Iistengel shook his head, half annoyed, half earnest.

“No, what do we do?”

Briind smiled sleepily in response. He yawned and rubbed the boy’s hair gently, quietly appraising the flame red locks.

“Eisen?”

The young man smiled sleepily, continuing to rub Iistengel’s fine hair. The boy hardly noticed. He was looking around the small tent. He gazed at the knife he had gotten from his friend. It was a very good blade. He could just touch the hide of an animal, and the knife would simply sink into it. He looked around, eying the traps that Briind helped him make. Iistengel smiled at that; Briind was such a nice guy. The lad remembered with a pang of fear that Briind was quickly reaching manhood, and would leave. Where would that leave him? The thought of having no person to aid him in time of need, of being utterly and completely alone, considered a freak by all who saw him… it made the poor boy want to cry. He turned to face his friend.

“Briind?”

The young man nodded, rubbing Iistengel’s hair more slowly. Iistengel swallowed the fear he felt growing rapidly inside of him.

“Eisen? When you grow up, where are you going to go?”

Briind heaved a sigh, his handsome black eyes opening blearily. He saw the anxiety in Iistengel’s face and managed a half smile before he replied.

“I’m not going to leave you Wrhaden.”

With that he closed his eyes, rubbing Iistengel’s hair even more gently. Iistengel felt himself quiet a little. Briind was right. He had to stay anyway if he wanted to marry the princess Snoweska. Iistengel sighed in relief. Yes, Eisen would stay as long as he loved Snoweska. The boy yawned sleepily. He gazed at his friend with undying admiration.

“Briind?”

“Hmm?”

“When I grow up, I want to be just like you.”

“Hmm…”

“Briind?”

“So, you want to marry my girl?”

Iistengel smacked his shoulder. Briind chuckled in response. Iistengel smiled in spite of himself and snuggled closer to his friend.
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson
  





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Sun Oct 07, 2007 4:44 am
BigBadBear says...



Wow! That is amazing! I really like the idea that you have, and you have creative names and things. You are really creative, and I can't wait to read the rest! Continue to post in threads, cuz its easier to read.
I am new here, and I want some people to read the stuff that I write too, so be sure to check it out!!!!

bigbadbear....
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





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Sun Oct 07, 2007 11:18 pm
Sumi H. Inkblot says...



Aw, that was, in a weird way, sweet. ^_^ I'm a sucker for sibling-relationships stories.

Again, as seen in a previous review, I spotted very little in the manner of spelling -- just a few commas need to be inserted and some misused words. That and I'm a bit confused about which is which --is Eisen, Briind? And is he the older of the two?

The silence made him gaze at the reflections dancing on the stream’s frozen surface.


That's kind of awkward; how can the reflection be dancing if the surface is frozen? Not moving. Re-phrase!

Iistengel grinned breathlessly, and sprang into the air, landing in the tepid water.

Ditch the first comma in here, and the misused word: Tepid. Tepid refers to lukewarm, and I highly doubt that a half-frozen river is tepid. ^_~

“After you, Eisen. You are the best looking, after all.”

Inserted commas in bold. :D

“Feels good, huh?”

Another bolded comma.

A slight chill crept into his body.

Wait a pea-pickin' second here!
"A slight CHILL" crept into him when he's SWIMMING IN A RIVER COVERED IN ICE IN THE MIDDLE OF DECEMBER? Ohmygosh! Who ever heard of a chill?! ;)

“I’m going to get out now, Eisen.”


As soon as they arrived, Briind plopped down by the fire, pulling off his boots. Iistengel copied him, slightly surprised that his body was so chilly.

“So, what now?”

Briind turned to look at him. Iistengel gazed back at his friend, feeling himself glad and excited to be with him.

Another slight chill, Iistengel? Whatever could be wrong? :roll:

Here you're avoiding the principle of Show vs. Tell. Show us that Isstengel is happy! Have him bounce up and down and sing the notes of "Ode to Joy" or something. But show! Show, show show! XD

The young man smiled sleepily, continuing to rub Iistengel’s fine hair. The boy hardly noticed. He was looking around the small tent. He gazed at the knife he had gotten from his friend. It was a very good blade. He could just touch the hide of an animal, and the knife would simply sink into it. He looked around, eying the traps that Briind helped him make. Iistengel smiled at that; Briind was such a nice guy. The lad remembered with a pang of fear that Briind was quickly reaching manhood, and would leave. Where would that leave him? The thought of having no person to aid him in time of need, of being utterly and completely alone, considered a freak by all who saw him… it made the poor boy want to cry. He turned to face his friend.


You can space this. You can space this. XD Again, you're telling and not showing.

I want to see where this goes. I want to see this universe explained. I want to know who is who. XD Is Eisen Iistengel? I'm just kinda confused on that.

Chuck a PM my way when you update this, hmmkay? ^_^

~Sumi
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Mon Oct 08, 2007 4:46 pm
SeraphTree says...



Thanks for all that you guys ^-^ I tried to rewrite some of it, which really helped, but it was one of those things where... well, I couldn't see what I was doing wrong. -.-" Nice to have another pair of eyes ^o^V
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson
  





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Mon Oct 08, 2007 5:20 pm
Stori says...



Gosh, this is a little adult. You used the expression "the other," which I've only seen in older writers. :D

Well, I like it. Are the names Eskimo, or did you make them up?
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Thu Oct 11, 2007 7:05 am
SeraphTree says...



No, I made them up ^-^ I was inspired by the name Natsilane and others like it :D :D :D
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson
  





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Sat Nov 10, 2007 1:54 pm
chayonz says...



Now i'm going to critc YOUR books. lol. I feel thats the least i can do cuz you've been such a good critic for mine. :P

Well I thought it was really good. I love the names and the descriptions are very good as well.
but you kinda lost me with the extra names like Eisen and Wrhaden.

Also isn't Briind the older one? Iistengel acts quite shy around Briind because of his admiration for him but in the beginning he is really bold and acts like the older and Briind acts like the younger. They way you made Iistengel say 'forget it' makes him seem like the older one and confused me bit.

Are Briind and Iistengel brothers? No offense or anything but i know they aren't gay, but they kinda seem it.... that was what i thought anyway until i heard that Briind was getting married. They seem really affectionate towards each other.

Other than that it was really good. Is there only three parts or are you going to continue writing?
h a y o n :)

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Sat Nov 10, 2007 8:29 pm
SeraphTree says...



Hmmm.... I think I see why it's confusing now. Thanks Chayonz. I couldn't really see why at first.... I'll see what I can do. :D

No, I this story is WAY too long to be in three parts :D:D:D:D I'm basically rewriting the whole thing. It was like thirty pages... or something... :D:D:D:D Ty mon ami.
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson
  








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