Young Writers Society

Prologue

March 12th, 1992

A small baby boy wrapped in a soft, cotton blanket was handed to his mother. "Congradulations! It's a boy!" Exclaimed a bulky doctor. Tears swelled in the infinants eyes as he cried for the first time. The mother's amber eyes began to swell with tears aswell as she looked down at her son. Her long black hair was pulled into a pony tail as she craddled her new born son. She looked to the left, half expecting to see the boys father, but she knew the boy would never meet his father, and surprisingly this didn't bother her. The boy's father was dead, and it was his fault.

The hospital room door swung open as a pudgy woman rushed in, holding ballons in her left hand, and a giant teddy bear in her right. "Aw, Miya, let me see the baby!" The woman cried, dropping the ballons and teddy bear on a side table. The woman hurried to Miya's side, extending her chubby arms, waiting to hold the baby. "Shh, hold on mother. Let me name him first," Miya said gently, rocking the baby boy back and forth and singing a quite lullaby. "I think I will name him Estevan...."

(I know it doesn't have any action in it yet! But I'm going to post some more of the story later and it will have action, I PROMISE! So don't say in doesn't belong in this section, because it is only the PROLOGUE)

Hm.. I like it.. there are only a few errors:

Exclaimed

Don't capitalize!

in the infinants eyes

infinants = infants

boys father

This should be boy's father.

"Shh, hold on mother.

mother should be capitalized!

Other than those, this story could be cool. I like your title.

Hope this helps!

BBB

spiritblackwolf2705 wrote:Prologue

March 12th, 1992

A small baby boy wrapped in a soft, cotton blanket was handed to his mother. "Congradulations! It's a boy!" Exclaimed a bulky doctor. Tears swelled in the infinants eyes as he cried for the first time. The mother's amber eyes began to swell with tears aswell as she looked down at her son. Her long black hair was pulled into a pony tail as she craddled her new born son. She looked to the left, half expecting to see the boys father, but she knew the boy would never meet his father, and surprisingly this didn't bother her. The boy's father was dead, and it was his fault.

The hospital room door swung open as a pudgy woman rushed in, holding ballons in her left hand, and a giant teddy bear in her right. "Aw, Miya, let me see the baby!" The woman cried, dropping the ballons and teddy bear on a side table. The woman hurried to Miya's side, extending her chubby arms, waiting to hold the baby. "Shh, hold on mother. Let me name him first," Miya said gently, rocking the baby boy back and forth and singing a quite lullaby. "I think I will name him Estevan...."

(I know it doesn't have any action in it yet! But I'm going to post some more of the story later and it will have action, I PROMISE! So don't say in doesn't belong in this section, because it is only the PROLOGUE)

• (Point 1) The dialogue should be on a separate line from the rest.
• (Point 2) I think you say 'swell' a bit too much...you could say:
Tears swelled in the infinants eyes as he cried for the first time. The mother's amber eyes began to swim with tears as well as she looked down at her son.
-------------------
Instead of 'swell' I put 'swim' but you could say 'brim' or something else.
• (Point 3) I think you say 'new born son' and 'son' alot there. Maybe suplement it with something else such as 'child' or 'baby' or 'infant'
• (Point 4) As mentioned above, dialogue should be on a separate line. Also, instead of saying balloon and teddy bear twice, you could say:
The hospital room door swung open as a pudgy woman rushed in, holding ballons in her left hand, and a giant teddy bear in her right.
"Aw, Miya, let me see the baby!" The woman cried, dropping the items on the side table.
• (Point 5) Again, dialogue...

Overall:
I think...it's not your best work. Maybe it's just me (I prefer nature/fantasy writing) but it seems that your other pieces (The mustangs, Freedom etc) were better written.
Or maybe it's just because this is the prologue. *shrugs* I dunno...but you might want to spice it up a bit.
Regards,
Ayra

Okay, I will try to fix it....I'm better with nature writing...My next nature story is going to be about a squirrel xD

Your plot sounds interesting but you better take a careful look at your stuff before you post it.

This is nice, but I agree with Ayra.

One other thing I noticed was the rather obvious way you are describing things. Here is one example:

"Congradulations! It's a boy!" Exclaimed a bulky doctor.

Just going right out and saying that he's bulky is a bit awkward, and it takes away from the flow of the story. I would add an action to it that gives away the fact that he's not exactly trim

Anyway, I'm interested to see how this plays out, and I can't wait to read the one about the squirrel.