Young Writers Society

I was assigned to write a descriptive essay in school last year and i won a prize for the best in my class... out of the girls. so, i guess that was pretty cool. lol. Anyway, i re-read this yesterday and kinda liked it. I am thinking about addding it to part of my book. hmm? so, tell me what you think.





The halls were filled with thousands of echoes from the many teenagers laughing and talking with their friends. Lockers slammed, people shouted, cell phones beeped and rang, but all the disturbing noise was unnoticed to Mariah as she glanced around frantically. She spotted the man and his sinister eyes met hers, fear piercing through her whole body. She turned to run, tripping over a book that had been tossed carelessly to the ground. Swearing silently, she brushed the hair from her face and stood up. Glancing around, the man was no where in sight. She saw Emma laughing happily with Ben as he imitated a character from his favorite movie. She saw Zavior, his huge height towering above everyone around him as he searched his locker for a pen. Carly was talking with Jen near the restrooms, her face flushed with excitement. Mariah had to leave. They wanted her and if she left, no one else would be harmed.
Running towards the nearest exit, her heart started to pound frantically. The door was locked. Looking around, she realized she was stuck in the sickly hot building. The lights went out, the hallway darkening slightly, a hint of fear emerging from the teens. But within seconds, all was forgotten as the loud conversations built up again. Perspiration formed on Mariah’s pale face and she looked frantically around. The humidity was too much for her. She wiped sweat from her brow as she craved a cool crisp breeze. She saw Zavior looking at her curiously before his expression changed to concern. He walked towards her, his long legs carrying him quickly past the yapping high school students. Her name was called and she heard it distantly before everything surrounding her started to spin out of control. Fear. Darkness. Nothing.
******
“What the…” Xavier said as her body fell forward into his arms. He glanced frantically around, looking for his friends. “Ben, Emma!”His voice boomed through the hall, causing several heads to turn in curiosity.
“What happened to her?” Emma’s voice was full of concern as she rushed toward them, putting her hand to Mariah’s for-head. “She passed out? Why?”
“We need to get her to fresh air,” Ben said, looking at the West door. “Xavier, pick her up. We’ll bring her outside.” Gently, Xavier lifted Mariah up and followed Emma and Ben to the door.
“Why the heck is this door locked?” Ben said angrily as he tried to open it, without success.
***
Slowly, her eyes opened and she looked up into Xavier’s strained face, confused. “Did I faint?” No one answered. Memories started to come back to her and Mariah gasped. “Xavier, set me down now.” Her voice was so severe, he obeyed immediately. Standing, she looked at her three best friends and her voice shook as she said, “Go hide somewhere. Quick.” Several terrified screams rang through the halls and Mariah shuddered. She was too late. It had started.

the disturbing noise was unnoticed to Mariah

If it's unnoticed, then it can't really be disturbing, can it... Oooh. Trippy.
It seems redundant to declare it both disturbing and then unnoticed by the character.

The lights went out, the hallway darkening slightly, a hint of fear emerging from the teens.

'A hint of fear' seems a little vague. I'm left wondering what exactly a hint of fear is. Perhaps I'm being finicky, but it doesn't cut it for me. Gasps? Hoarse yells? High pitched squeals from fourteen year old girls? Come on!

The humidity was too much for her. She wiped sweat from her brow as she craved a cool crisp breeze.

cool, crisp breeze. Comma.

“What the…” Xavier said as her body fell forward into his arms. He glanced frantically around, looking for his friends. “Ben, Emma!”His voice boomed through the hall, causing several heads to turn in curiosity.
“What happened to her?” Emma’s voice was full of concern as she rushed toward them, putting her hand to Mariah’s for-head. forehead “She passed out? Why?”

Are Zavior and Xavier the same person... ?

To be frank, I wasn't that interested in this. It didn't grab me, because there were too many characters, too little information about them and too much rhetoric.

I think this could be improved if you used paragraphs to your advantage, right now it doesn't read very comfortably. You should also work on making your character interesting in herself, her on-the-fly emotions don't evoke my empathy. Your sinister eyed man doesn't exactly make me quiver, either.

I can see a good story under this. Its catchy, and I wouldn't be averse to finding out more, which is my main point. I imagine it would be easier to comprehend when put in the context of your book though, so don't feel discouraged.

The characters are introduced too quickly. You pretty much rattle off some names. If you told us one or tow at a time, gave us some time, then introduced more, it might have been better. Or if you introduced them when they became important to the story.

You also say the lights went out, yet people act as if nothing happens. It's hard to walk towards someone when it suddenly goes dark; your eyes have to adjust first.

Finally, I would make this longer. You jump into the story when we don't know who the characters are, then have everything happen in such a short ammount of space, it has no emotion or meaning. Then you end it by leaving us hanging. If you add more details and depth to the story, I think it could be great.

~JFW1415

I think this has potential. It's well written and the pace is all right. I do agree that you should give the characters more detail.

This is good. It has a lot of potential and the writind flows really well. The sentence length matches the type of story and the words you have chosen are good.

I agree that you have introduced to many characters to quickly. You get to many names and not enough detail which can leave a reader confused!

This is still very good and if you make the grammical changes and add detail it will improve the piece. Keep it up!

first thing I would definitely change is the characters. It's hard to really pay attetion to the plot when you can't figure out who everyone is. You need to have sort of intro for the characters.

Awesome book though. I really like how you described the setting. I really like it.

I don't think that you introduced them too much, cause who says that you can't explain them more later, after all of this affair?
This story totally grabbed me from the beginning. The mystery only grew more intense as it drew to an end, and I just totally loved it! I cannot wait to hear what is really going on because this has a great potential!!!!!!


Keep writing
or else....

Just for all you people to know, this is in the middle of my book, so the reason you don't know my characters that well is because you have had 10 previous chapters of talking about them.
Kinda sorta get it?
Shweet.

Thanks a ton for all the great advice though! it is awesome!
~Meera