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The Rebellion Series Chapter 2



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Tue Dec 06, 2011 4:20 pm
Omni says...



Spoiler! :
This is starting to boil up, isn't it :smt003 also that girl I keep on talking about, you might figure out her name soon... :?:



Chapter 2
The press had left the building, only to mass in the main room to do interviews and Live Action reports. I looked out my window to see the reporters like tiny ants in the main room.
A small knock on the door startled me and I looked over there. It was the same girl as last time, with the same sword at her side. She sneered and walked away.
I sighed. “Nice greeting, shouldn’t we hug or something?”
“No need, you know we well enough already.”
“Ok? So why does he want me now?” I asked as we walked out to a small hallway.
“We need to leave immediately; and he wants you to go with him. The place is ‘shutting down’ and we need to get you out of here.”
“And why would that be?” I stopped as we entered the regular living quarters for most of the workers and looked around. The men milled around, packing their little clothes into half-made suitcases. The rooms were barren.
“ We are closing down, so we need to get you out, now come on and quit asking me questions, I don’t know much, sorry.” She walked to the intersection of the hallways and stomped on the middle tile.
A staircase opened up, leading down to what seemed like nowhere. “What is this?”
“A ship never reveals all of her secrets, Michael.” With that she scurried down the stairs. I ran down the hallway and into the dark staircase.
A familiar hand grabbed my shoulder. “You have got to stop doing that!” I screamed.
A small light cam from a device the woman had. She ran up the stairs and closed the tile. The light only illuminated a little in front of her and she was no where near me. I stumbled my way downstairs, trying not to think if I fell. Keeping my mind occupied, I look at the light still above me.
“So, where do these stairs lead?” I almost tripped over what felt like a banana peel, but it squeaked.
“Old emergency exit. We’re taking it to the ship Matt is on.”
“To?”
“You’ll find out soon enough.” She said nothing after that, no matter how much I poked and prodded.
As I walked along the staircase, I saw what looked like hieroglyphics, but some more things caught my attention. Blood covers most of the walls as we walked down the mossy stairs.
“What were these stairs used for?” I asked.
“About thirty years ago, before the McFarlane Laws were passed, prisoners were dragged down here to be put into the asteroids forever, no matter what condition they were in. Or the state of mind.”
We walked on in silence. Finally I spoke up, after thinking about it a while. “You still have never told me your name.”
“I have no reason to, for I have always been taught that giving somebody your first name is a sign of weakness.”
“I must be very weak to you then.” I waited for her to speak. She said nothing and I sighed.
“We are close.” The stairs started becoming elongated almost as soon as she said that.
We soon reached a door. It was a long small door, with scratches and blood all around it. The air got cold as we walked up. I didn’t know if it was from the horrible wretchedness of the vacuum of space, or of the wretchedness of the things that happened there.
“I must warn you, the airlock here has a horrible, so you might want to hold your breath.”
I shivered.”Don’t you have a rebreather?”
“Only for myself.” She sneered as she searched through her pouch, which I had not seen before.
“Great, just great.”
She grabbed the old hatch and struggled to turn it. I smiled. “Need some help from an actual man?” She looked back at me.
“Wasn’t even trying.” She effortlessly opened the rusted hatch. Air rushed past me to some small holes in the cramped walk space. I tried to sustain a breath and ushered her past. She smiled once again as she clicked on the last bolt for the rebreather. After that she pressed a blue button that emptied out the rebreather into the room.
Taking her sweet old time, it seemed like, she leisurely walked to the next hatch. I would’ve probably rushed to open, but I noticed it required a keycard. Of course it required a keycard.
The door finally opened after what seemed like hours and I ran in, only to have the breath sucked out of me by the scenery on the walls.
It was a comfy circular room with a small, antique door adjacent to the now closed door I had just ran through. Two violet chairs with low backs and high arms sat around the door, facing the middle of the room, where an oval-like crystal table sat low to the floor. It was a two-tier table, both see-through, with small marble statues of pets on the bottom shelf and an ornately decorated silver platter that carried little triangle sandwiches and two glasses of what looked like blood.
A tall cabinet made of the finest greenwood trees in the corners of the world. It had one sliding door, which was open. Inside were dresses made of the silkiest fiber from the baobab spiders. Although all of these items were magnificent, it was the wall that had stopped me in my tracks.
There really was no ceiling, for the wall curved at the top to cave in towards a marvelous and elaborate chandelier. The wall was carved from the silky smooth Carvelline wood, with pictures carved into it. The pictures were of victorious moments in certain wars, detailed perfectly from the glint of the famous sword fight in The Mendelum War, to the grim face of a certain someone who entered the capital of the world for the last time.
At first, I had no clue who this person was, for the author put such perfect details in his face. Then I realized it. My brother, Neil.
I sat down, studying it. Memories flooded into my mind. Memories that I had tried to forget.
Neil had started the entire rebellion, convincing The Council of Members, a rich community with friends in big places, to fight against Carl Moderns, the once leader of Power Cabinets. He had gone to nearby planets and persuaded the usage of a huge navy to overcome the military of the world. He had also scrambled up some Delete class tanks to stop the army from advancing to defend the shell of the world.
The shell is the crust of the world, defending the hollow world underneath it. My brother was the one with the idea to break it. He was always the one to come up with the brilliant ideas. Ideas that ended up with his death.
Matt had walked through the elaborate door and leaned silently against the dresser while I was amazed by the pictures.
“Almost real, isn’t it?” He dismissed the girl who directed me.
I stood up. “Why is this here?”
“I don’t exactly know, but I do know it is there for a reason.” He sat down next to me. “Listen. What’s done is done. There is no going back. We only have a little bit of time to do what is needed.”
“And what would that be?”
He straightened himself. “We must, no, you must finish what your brother started. “
“Destroy the government?”
“Not just that, but re-unite the Council of Rebellion that rebelled against him. Whether you like it or not, this is happening. We cannot turn back. I’ll be waiting for your answer.”
Last edited by Omni on Wed Dec 07, 2011 3:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Tue Dec 06, 2011 8:00 pm
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Omni says...



As usual, comments are taken seriously and I want your opinion! Please review and comment, and if you like it, please follow me! lol thank you and pardon some of the typoes, I type very fast and do not realize them until later.
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Wed Dec 07, 2011 9:57 pm
creativityrules says...



Hello there, Omniyus. I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.

Overall, this was a good piece. I haven't read the first chapter of this book, so I'm just going to be reviewing it for what I find here, not for what you may or may not have contained in the first chapter.

The press had left the building, only to mass in the main room to do interviews and Live Action reports. I looked out my window to see the reporters like tiny ants in the main room.


I'm not a huge fan of this as an opening sentence. It's muddled and I'm really not sure what's going on in your story. Considering that the opening sentence of any work is the most important, I would suggest looking back over this, eliminating any typos, and making sure that it says exactly what you want it to say. For instance, I'm not a fan of describing the reporters as 'tiny ants'. It's a description that's been used so many times that it's become cliche, and cliche is something that you never want your work to be.

The next thing I'd like you to consider is how you describe things. I noticed that you designated paragraphs to the sole purpose of describing things. Personally, I'm not a fan of doing so. Oftentimes when describing things in that manner, the writing can come off feeling forced and overworked. I would suggest using dialogue or actions of your characters to incorporate the description of things, like this.

The barn was very big, and in the corner, there was a stack of hay bales. Two horses stood in stalls at the end of the barn. In the middle of the barn, a pitchfork was stabbed into the ground.


The above description does its job, but it's not what I'm looking for. I would edit it like this.

Stepping into the enormous barn, Lars cast a careless glance towards the horses, who stood impatiently looking at him.

"Don't worry, I'll get your food," he said in a bored tone. Picking up the pitchfork from the middle of the barn, he walked to the corner and began jabbing it into the hay bales, gathering hay for the horses' dinner.


See what I mean? This is much more interesting than my first example. Try to incorporate character's actions and dialogue into your descriptions. It will make your story blend together.

All in all, good work! Always keep writing!

-Rose
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

-Brian James
  





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Thu Dec 08, 2011 3:54 pm
Omni says...



Ah, I see what you mean, I have tried this before, however, and it doesn't work for me, also the only reason why I made so many details in that one particular area is because that area is very significant, and I had had reviews of people saying that I don't put enough details in my story, so it is kinda the catch 22 clause
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It always seems impossible until it's done.
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