Young Writers Society

Taken down & thanks for the feedback

Hello there
I felt I had to review this because I don't think I've ever read any of your work. So, here I am

I'll first off start with the nitpicks.

Sam Brown opened his eyes in a spasm of mobilized desperation that sometimes helps claw back to wakefulness from a nightmare too awful to be borne.

Whew! This sentence is really long.

One of them raised an object to his head and appeared to bit into it.

faces twisted into grimaces attacking an elderly couple from all sides, bringing them to them down, (I don't really get that).

I think that's it. Okay, I enjoyed the concept behind this story. It's something I rarely see posted on this site and something I myself tend to shy away from because it's a difficult subject to write about. I'd say the major problem I had when reading this story is that it's kind of robotic. It's like we're clocking every single move that Sam, the main character makes and it consistently follows until the end of the story. I sometimes felt, because of this, drifting away and back because we were on the same tone. So he has nightmares and seizures was the only thing playing at the back of my mind until the end. I wish that there were some elements of light in this dark story. You know, the fact that you've personified him as a man with issues and paranoia, maybe there are elements in his past life that he longs for; kids, a wife, a better life where he has no nightmares. Something that will distract us a little from the dark happenings in his reality, a variation. It's just a suggestion.

However, you write so beautifully. Like I said, I'm never comfortable with writing in this kind of subject, but you do it so well. You've managed to convey the dark qualities of Sam's life, you've set a dark mood and you describe things so well. It's as if I'm in his head, having these visions with him and feeling all this paranoia and dreading my sleep. I was utterly convinced and for that you deserve to be given major praise. This is a really well thought out and original plot and I like that.

I hope I could be of some assistance.

Keep writing and goodluck!

Hi, Ziggie,
thanks very much for the review. You were of assistance indeed: you validated both my hopes (of sufficiently well-crafted prose) and fears (of, as you called it, robotic narrative). You also provided feedback on the point of the story - I had been fairly certain that the twist is that there really was an event in the past that is being suppressed by pills - and yet, obviously I've left it ambiguous enough to go both ways.
Thanks again for the feedback.
I'm experimenting with certain story-telling forms in the last month, so if you were ever to take a look at a fantasy story here topic91063.html I'd be quite interested in your overall impression. Likewise, when you've written something you feel would benefit from my attention - throw it over via PM or on my wall and I'll look at it ASAP.