Young Writers Society

Chapter 1
“Wake up, sunshine!” Lileame said as he entered my room. “The sun is up, and so should you, there is work to be done, you know.”
“I know, now get out of here while I dress.” Lileame closed the door and I stood up and walked to my closet. It was a small ornate cabinet that has probably been on the ship for a few decades. I opened the left cabinet and choose the cleanest of the work jackets. I looked out the dirty porthole. A little sunshine was flowing through a small crack of the asteroids, as it always does.
I opened the door. The small hallway was cramped with horrible lighting and cobwebs. Although almost no one was in these quarters anymore, the leader of the compounds gave me this room, explaining over communigraph that there was no more room in the middle of the space—sub.
As I walked into the third chasm[*] , leading into the injection chamber[*] , there was a crowd in it. I walked over to the gathering, questioning people about what is happening. Every time, it was the same answer. “The leader is here!”
Now, as nobody has ever even seen the leader’s ship, it was a huge surprise. Only the commander of the ship was working, and urging people back to work.
As the huge vessel docked, the ship shook with years of not moving. The bay doors opened, and a crowd suddenly filled the first chasm, a crowd not seen in that chasm for years. A group of officers stood around an apparent leader figure.
The commander ordered us to our rooms as soon as the bay doors opened. I took a while, wanting to see who the leader of this ragged place was. He, or she, was filthy rich off of our hard labor, while we don’t get more than a qilsh[*] a year. Nobody followed me as I made my way down the winding tracks to my abandoned deck.
I lay down on my bed, thinking that at least we didn’t do anything today. Maybe I could’ve caught up all of the sleep I didn’t get all of these days.
The sleep enveloped me dearly, and, as my mind succumbed to the wonderful dreams, a thud shook me from my subconscious, far away. I opened my eyes halfway. Nothing in my small room was damaged. I frowned and closed my eyes once again. The tentacles of dreams wrapped its silky smooth arms around me. Another thud sounded through the room, getting closer.
Groaning, I turned in my bed to face the wall and the small porthole. Another thud sounded right outside my door. Pulling the blanket from myself, I got up and inched closer to the door. The door cracked as something outside pounded on my door.
“Relax, relax, I’m opening the door.” I said as I grabbed the handgun on my weather—worn desk. Taking the safety off, I unhitched the five bolts and opened the door. No one was there. Nothing was there but the dent on the door across me and the broken furniture thrown across the hallway. Someone was definitely there before. I peeked my head out of my door and was almost beheaded by an ancient sword. I leaned back quickly and grabbed the hand that was holding the sword.
I threw the person into my room and onto my bed. It was a woman with dark red hair flowing down her back, like a waterfall filled with blood. She spat on my bed and turned to me. “Who are you?” I said, wrestling the sword away from her.
“No one you need to know! You witch! Give me back my sword!” She spat again, this time at my shoes.
“You sure do have a lot of saliva, mind not relieving yourself of it on my floor. Look, I don’t care who you are, or who you’re ‘working’ for. I don’t care. I’m exhausted, so I really don’t care.” I said grimly.
I don’t care if you’re tired or not, traitor! Royal blood has been spilt because of your kin!” She spat again. I rolled my eyes and lazily stabbed the metal ground. The sword got stuck and I leaned on it.
“Do I look that old to you? I don’t have kin, not that I want to. “She growled at me. “You better not spit again. “
“You have battling experience, have you ever fought in a battle?”
“No, I haven’t.” I sighed.
“Liar, I know who you are. You are the brother of the once leader of the rebellion. “
“Ok, so you know me, tell me a little about yourself.”
She sneered. “Not enough time. The leader of Wonders wants you. “
“You almost killed me just to send a message?”
“He wanted to see if you are worthy.” She grabbed her sword, blindingly fast.
“So let’s go then, or am I qualified?” She smiled and walked out of my room. “Wait!” She didn’t. I sighed and ran after her. “I guess that’s a yes.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I walked to the chasms and let out a breath. The floor was swept cleanly, the walls were washed. In the middle of the room there was a large cube, enough to fit about five people. Guards were around it, staring off into space.
The woman with the sword appeared behind with and pushed me to the entrance of the cube. The door looked like a small submarine door. It was clean but I could see scratches and worn metal.
“In you go!” The woman said as she smiled and backed away. Two guards appeared at my side as I opened the door. I walked into a white chamber and the door closed behind me.
Air filled the room and showered me with a cold feeling. A door on the opposite side of the one I entered opened. I entered a huge cavern of a room with people milling around with importance. In the middle of the room, a huge circular table sat with a dozen or so people around it. The door closed behind me with a loud thud. Everybody stopped and stared at me. Only one person moved, and he walked towards me.
“Ah, cousin, it is so nice to meet you! It’s been a while hasn’t it?” He smiled and walked towards me to put his arm around me.
I backed up and punched him in the nose. The guards rushed towards me from out of nowhere and seized me. “Release him. That hurt, Michael. “
“You are no cousin of mine, Matt!” Thinking about punching him again, I clenched my fist. “You’re the leader of Wonder?”
“Yes, but let me explain everything before you get mad about your living conditions. “He walked over to the circular table and dismissed everyone. “First of all, I only kept you in this ship so Firenze wouldn’t come after you, he knows me, and so I kept you under my wing without ever doing it in public.
“Now, let me be clear why we are here together, and I need this to be short. I have been researching technology, and I found out how to make room with a small amount of space. This cube that you’re in, inside, it has the space of a small country. “
He walked over to me. “This is why I decided to come and talk to you today. I am going to do something very stupid, and you are going to hate me.” He laughed. “Heck, I am going to even hate myself. I am going to continue the rebellion.” He hushed me before I could say anything. “I want you to lead it, as your brother once did. Before you say anything, it is too late to back down; I am announcing my secession of the primary member of ores. That will bring them down, but not for long. I need you to go among the stars to bring back the Council of the Rebellion. “
He said nothing else as he walked out and to another room, probably to talk to his press, to announce his secession of his mining company.
He probably just started the rebellion.
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Matt sighed and walked onto the stage. Over two dozen reporters were gathered from top news stations like UNTN and CNSA. Holocams were around the room, recording the entire thing, studying Matt and the other representatives on the stage.
Matt cleared his throat and the room became piercingly silent. All eyes studied him as he looked at the words his department made for him.
“I’m really no good at speech making, so I’ll just wing it with the cards or without.” He laughed silently. The reporters did nothing, just looking into his eyes.
“I’ll just start right off. Philip Monitors, the president of Powers Cabinet, recently noted the power crisis in the community of the world. So to make changes that probably would have profited, he sent taxes soaring in the mining company. However, it clashed with the budget cuts that the head of the Parliament, Alex Jefferson, the leader of the world, mentioned. The budget cuts started today, so I have no choice but to renounce the title of Wonders compounds as the leading ore refinery in the world. We are shutting down temporally to do reconstruction to improve the output of our profit. This will take a few weeks. Thank you.” He walked down and out of the room, not waiting for the shocked stares to waiver on the audience.
Walking out, he muttered to himself, “The rebellion has started.”
 
[*]Chasms around the injection chamber that golds all the supplies
[*]The chamber where rods shoot into the asteroid to collect ore and other minerals; it is the main working place on most space--subs
[*]A fourth of a dollar

BTW: I will only post the second chapter if anyone wants me to, no use in putting effort into a useless story.
It would be helpful if anyone would give their 2 cents in about this story, costructive critism is always helpful.

very good for a first chapter maybe slow down a little. Describe whats going on. describe what the character looks like.
all in all i thought it was pretty good.

Okay! Let's get to work. I liked it and thought it was good. I have a few pointers though.

Something that jumped out at me:

“The sun is up, and so should you, there is work to be done, you know.”

I think that you might want to start a new sentence where the comma is after the first 'you'.

The tentacles of dreams wrapped its silky smooth arms around me.

I like this: it has good imagery. In fact, I'm a bit creeped out by the image itself... Tentacles freak me out.

“You sure do have a lot of saliva, mind not relieving yourself of it on my floor.

You may want to make that two sentences or add a semicolon in-between saliva and mind, where the comma is. Then it would probably be best to add a question mark at the end. I normally don't do too much grammar, since it bores me, but I thought I would point those out since I spotted them.

Okay, grammar aside, let's get to the actual story. For me, it was a bit fast. I think you could improve this if you take some more time to explain what's going on and things around him, like other people and places, and most importantly, how he feels about things. It could also make your story much more interesting to describe more of the place he lives since we don't live in a world like Michael's. It would layer and add more depth. But at the same time, you don't want to be too descriptive. You already added some good touches like:

I looked out the dirty porthole. A little sunshine was flowing through a small crack of the asteroids, as it always does.

I think it would be great if you could sneak a few more in there.

I love your action scene with the red-haired lady. It was fluid and fast paced, like a real fight scene would be. Keep up the good work! I found it enjoyable.

Michael doesn't seem to like Matt, since he punched him. But I want to know why he doesn't like him. I want to know about their past. And what about the Council of Rebellion? Who are they? Why was the rebellion started in the first place? Why do the people live in spaceships? You've left a lot of interesting questions. It makes the reader want to read more so they can find the answers, but at the same time, it can be frustrating if there are too many, especially if the main character knows a good deal of information about these things.

I think that it is getting to this point of some frustration. But at the same time, since the character knows about these things, all this information is obvious to him, so he normally wouldn't explain it to himself. So you've got to sneak the information in through reflections, musings, or conversation. If you would rather not change anything, you don't have to. It's up to you. Besides, if you release the information later, it may not matter too much.

And also, I don't feel very connected to Michael. I feel like I don't know him. I feel like I'm spectating his life but not learning much about him as a person and how he feels about all that is going on. I want to be apart of not only the battles on the field, but the battles he wages against himself. Both are very important. You are already good at actions scenes but unless we care about Michael and really connect with him, we won't sympathize with him and care about his battles. I want to get right in on the action in his head, if that makes sense.

Overall, you did a good job with the writing and descriptions you had. The plot's interesting and you are doing a good job with it. Continuing the story is up to you. If you have something you would rather be writing at the moment, then write that instead. I hope you found some use in my review. Keep writing!

Thank you for the reply and I hoe you like it.

To be honest, while I was reading your comment, I was smiling to myself, because all of the points you mentioned (grammar aside) I was going to put in my later chapters. I like it though, because you just gave some future reader something to think on of my first chapter.

BTW: I was thinking about explaining some of that in a prolouge, but never got around to making the actual prolouge

Just to let everyone know, I will not be posting until after the Thanksgiving weekend. Thanks!