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Journal Entry Two : Aulani :



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Gender: Male
Points: 240
Reviews: 10
Sun Oct 09, 2011 7:47 pm
RWMcKinleys says...



Journal Entry Two
10/5/01
Aulani

My hands are shaking, the sweat is pouring down my face. I lay in the middle of the class room staring off into the endless white. I hear them whispering things about me, I see the teacher on the phone calling for help. I am helpless though. A crowd begins to form around me; the door to the classroom opens as the school nurse comes rushing in with a wheelchair. My vision becomes blurred as their voices start to fade away. Nothing is registering….nothing. I know I am not in a dream, my body feels pain coming from my stomach. I feel the strong urge to vomit my insides out. What would the guys think if I did? I’d be the laughingstock of the whole school. The pain coming from my stomach continues to get worse; to my side the nurse lifts me up and places me on the wheelchair making sure I will not fall out as she pushes me out of the class, down the corridor.

I am scared, again just as in my dreams I’ve become paralyzed. My brain is sending signals to my body to move but nothing will register. I try to speak but nothing comes out. My eyes become heavy and my heart beat starts to slow down enormously. I can feel the reddish liquid called blood flow through my veins like water through a tube. Is this the end for me? Am I about to die? I’ve never felt this way before in my life. The pain is too much to bear. I am frightened like a little girl having a nightmare about the monster in her closet. I feel tears stream down from my eyes, my body starts to convulse. I am crying mentally, trying to get out of this horror that controls my body. I am no longer able to hear anybody speaking. My eyes continue to grow heavier, finally shutting on me as I black out….

I’ve seen him before, from a distance he looks athletic, the boy from my dreams. His jet black hair reflects off of the sun. I try to approach him, slowly taking steps toward him. He faces the opposite direction toward the everlasting body of water in front of him. The sand from the beach cuddles between my toes every time I lift my feet off the ground to take another step. I am finally close enough to reach out toward him. With one motion my right hand extends toward his shoulders as I grasp hold of him. A minute passes before anything happens; he says not a single word. Not a single movement comes out of him. Before I am able to move up and get a closer look at him, I am pulled away by an unknown entity…

I awake to the pain of the nurse slapping my cheeks causing me to bite against my tongue. She yells my name as my eyes open and my body is free to move. Surrounding me is my parents and school faculty. The nurse shines her flash light into my eyes, she checks my temperature, checks my blood pressure. Almost everything comes out good. “How are you feeling dear? I am sorry I had to slap you but it seemed that it worked because here you are!” I raise my hand up to feel my cheek; it burns from the slap mark. “Its….it’s okay. How long was I out for?” The nurse walks away from the bedside as my mother approaches me; I can tell she has been crying. My father stands behind her with a clam but nervous look on his face. “You were out of it for almost 12 minutes angel. EMS will be here soon to take you to the hospital.”
Although I know it probably isn’t necessary for me to go to the hospital I have no choice. While I wait I think about him, who is he and what significant meaning is he? I know in all my heart that I must find him.
~~~Aulani~~~~
Last edited by RWMcKinleys on Tue Oct 11, 2011 2:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 899
Reviews: 11
Sun Oct 09, 2011 8:49 pm
1wasprt says...



Hey, I liked this chapter more than the last because it explained a bit more and I can start to see the plot fold into place.

Mistakes
RWMcKinleys wrote:I awake to the pain of the nurse slapping my cheeks
It should be "I wake to the pain"

Plot
I like how the plot is turning out, and I'm curious how it is going to form.

Descriptions
There were parts where you could have used a bit more descriptions, but all in all I think you did a fine job of that.

Character description
I still think that you should add a few details about your character so we can get a good image about what they look like.

Overall
Overall I believe that it is a good story so far, and I can't wait for the next one to come out.
He who is without sin may cast the first stone.
~John 8:7
  





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Reviews: 18
Mon Oct 10, 2011 12:55 am
SlyNightOwl says...



:D I'm really looking forward to what comes next! It sounds amazing so far! A couple comments I have are that you need to space out the dialog instead having it all clumped in one block (second to last paragraph).

My father stands behind her with a clam but nervous look on his face.


Do you mean calm. Lol, I make this mistake all the time. It's always this word and "palm".

The nurse walks away from the bedside as my mother approaches me; I can tell she has been crying.


How does she know her mothers been crying? Are her eyes red-rimmed or swollen? Remember, show not tell.

I think I missed the first entry D: I have to go back and find it right away! So if you'll excuse me(:
Rah, rah, ree, kick em' in the knee. Rah, rah, rass, em' in the... OTHER KNEE!
  





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Reviews: 21
Mon Oct 10, 2011 5:49 pm
limegreenleopard says...



So I read it, as you asked, and really enjoyed it, more than the first one! Keep writing them and I'll keep reading them, definitely!
Everytime I read an entry, it hooks me and I always wonder what is going to happen next. I really enjoyed rwading it.
Things I really liked
The way you write is so enchanting and spoooky, it draws you in.
Description is very vivid and I can imagine everything in my head.
The story has a plot and I can tell you (the writer) is confident in it, which makes it very believable.
Your characters are distinctive.

Good job on this! Post on my wall again when the next one's out!
Keep Writing!
~Leopard :D
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz
  





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Thu Nov 10, 2011 10:47 pm
Cyb3rBlade says...



It's great work, (great opener) but it doesn't sound like a journal to me. I write my journal in the past tense, since I always write after things happen. If that isn't helpful, ignore it.
RWMcKinleys wrote:What would the guys think if I did? I’d be the laughingstock of the whole school.

Very human, very good. I'm stuck on the tense thing, but it's a great reminder that she is
RWMcKinleys wrote:you’re average sixteen year old daughter.

RWMcKinleys wrote:“How are you feeling dear? I am sorry I had to slap you but it seemed that it worked because here you are!”

That is exactly the way some people talk. There is a problem, though. No medical professional would ever administer slapping as treatment for unconsciousness. I'm sorry to throw a wrench in the machine, but it just doesn't happen that way. At the time of my writing this, I have not read Aulani's tale in its entirety, so if I'm taking a vital element of the plot out, I'm sorry. I've had painful reality checks and unhelpful criticism, so I'm trying to keep this helpful. This isn't a stylistic thing, though, so something really should change.
RWMcKinleys wrote:Although I know it probably isn’t necessary for me to go to the hospital, I have no choice. While I wait, I think about him, who is he and what significant meaning is he? I know in all my heart that I must find him.

I'd put commas in there, but it's up to you. I frequently forget to put periods in my journal, but I never show it to anyone anyway. The question looks kinda sloppy. With the wording the way it is, it would probably stand better alone.
I'm really starting to get curious. It's in a modern setting, which scares me.
I hope that helps. If it doesn't, ignore it.
I write for my King.

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Every really new idea looks crazy at first.
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