Young Writers Society

I’ve been having these dreams about a boy who never sleeps. About the end of times as we know it approaching from somewhere beyond the darkness, I can hear the screams of horror as somewhere off in the distance destruction begins to take its toll on humanity. The world as we know it has gone dark, the sun has faded away. All that is left is the sensation that you could be the next to die, that you could be the next one to fall into the unknown abyss, six feet under from everyone else. I toss and turn in my sleep like an uncontrollable earthquake sweating as I scream for help. But no one can hear me, no, I can’t move as if I am paralyzed. I try over and over to move but nothing is working. I start to breathe heavy my heart beating faster; I only wish I could wake up from this nightmare.
With a quick burst of energy my eyes flick open; my body is no longer paralyzed. I swing upward covering my hands with my face. I feel the tears that have wanted to release stream down my eyes. Somewhere in the house I hear the sounds of footsteps rushing toward my door, the handle starts to shake and my door pops open. My father with a worried look on his face rushes towards me. I look deep into his eyes before even trying to speak. But he quickly shushes me as his hands wrap around me, holding me tightly… reassuring me he will never let go. I am not quick to calm down, but I know he is my savior. I know my father is here to serve and protect my mother and me.
I am you’re average sixteen year old daughter. You’re average gossip queen and best friend. The one who has always been there for you when you’ve needed me the most, and I always will be. This is my own journal to free my expressions. I am Aulani.

I think you may have rushed this a little being the first Journal Entry, also we don't know a whole lot about the character yet.

All I have to say is that this story grabbed me. I read the beginning and got sucked into it because I love stories about the end of the world. I don't know why. This looks like a great mystery novel, and I would most definitely want to here more.

Hi this is Leopard and I'm here to review you work!

RWMcKinleys wrote:I’ve been having these dreams about a boy who never sleeps. About the end of times as we know it. I think there should be a full stop here and should it be time not times? Approaching from somewhere beyond the darkness, I can hear the screams of horror as somewhere off in the distance destruction begins to take its toll on humanity.

I like the beginning of this, it really draws people in. And, yes, I think it would make more sense if you stopped it at as we know it (full stop) and then started the next sentence with Approaching.
This entry was really quite spooky, and it made me shiver, just imagining what was most likely to happen next. If you aren't already writing this as anovel, you definitely should. I'd read it!
On the whole, it's very good, draws you in, k, keeps you hooked, the whole package. If you write anymore of this or expand it into a novel, just tell me by posting on my wall and I'll have a look. Thumbs up for what you've written so far.
Keep Writing,
~Leopard

To start off great lead. There was a definite hook that pulled me in, making me want to read more. As said before, though, there should be some work with the grammer and what not. On a side note, I don't see the connection about the boy who never sleeps to the rest of the description of the nightmare. Is he the one causing the destruction? Is he the one the destruction is being caused for? I would really like to hear more about him.
Another little effect I liked was how at the very end you put the part about her being an average teenage girl. That was rockin' and it made it seem as though you were foreshadowing, sorta saying: "I am Aulani, and this is my story." or something like that. All in all, great piece and keep writing!

Well, very interesting. If the dreams are prophetic (If...of course they are, this is fiction we're talking about) then I'm glad I don't live on your Earth. Viz, that's downright scary.
I don't write my journal this way, but I don't have such dark dreams. I'm also not any of these:

RWMcKinleys wrote:I am you’re average sixteen year old daughter. You’re average gossip queen and best friend. The one who has always been there for you when you’ve needed me the most, and I always will be.

Which brings me to the next order of business. The word "You're" is a contraction of "You are". Thus, it should read:
I am your average sixteen year old daughter. Your average gossip queen and best friend. The one who has always been there for you when you’ve needed me the most, and I always will be. This is my own journal to free my expressions. I am Aulani.
I do think that this is relevant: I date my journal entries, but I don't number them. Do you? If all of them were together, I don't think it would be necessary, though I could understand why it's numbered, standing alone.
By the way, could you tell me about the name Aulani? Why did you chose it? What does it mean?

Aulani is a Hawaiian name for a girl... It's meaning is the King's Messenger. Aulani is a beautiful name and I feel like I can tie it to the sea.. I like picking names that mean something to me or the story plot. Trust me after I completed writing these I took a major break. I looked over each and every single one of them and said, hmm. I think i wrote them how I wanted them to go. But in the long run book that I am writing called the Phantom Two which stars Aulani and another character POV is much better written without it being written in a Journal fashion.

R.W

Aulani is a Hawaiian name for a girl... It's meaning is the King's Messenger. Aulani is a beautiful name and I feel like I can tie it to the sea.. I like picking names that mean something to me or the story plot. Trust me after I completed writing these I took a major break. I looked over each and every single one of them and said, hmm. I think i wrote them how I wanted them to go. But in the long run book that I am writing called the Phantom Two which stars Aulani and another character POV is much better written without it being written in a Journal fashion.

R.W