Young Writers Society

Any help appreciated! ^^
It's a contest entry, and I'd like some feedback before sending this in. I don't mind it even if your read through only one chunk and review it.

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Should all stories have a beginning? But this isn't one. To me, it's the story, the only one, mine. But I have a beginning. And an end. Stories will just grow.
I am unique, not just like everyone else. One look at me, and everyone will notice that something's different, something extra. Those sideways-glances have pained me. That's when I started growing my hair long. It covered my ears.
If someone is reading this, I do not know which year, or how evolution has taken place, but I shall tell you about my time.
Millennia ago, people looked like what you'd see in the archives - two arms and legs and everything like us, but with fully developed ears and developed larynx with vocal fold, albeit a little less developed. That's what those scientist folk say. This larynx is something you cannot see, yet it hides inside your throat, capable of producing vibrations that travel through ether. But like any old society, developed, pushed the limits of the brain to what came to be known as one of the most definitive stages of evolution.
People now have no ears, or a voice box. The sole purpose of the mouth is to aid in digestion of food. The ears are now, mere little stubs on either side of the head. Because, of course, everyone needs the vestibular system. I read somewhere that there are some cells which could be remnants of the cochlea present in everyone, something which is fully developed in me. Everyone says this is a disorder; they label me a freak. They stare at my oddly shaped head. They point their fingers at me.

*****************


I remember that day.

Sitting atop my mattress, I shivered for an instant. The controller in my room was slow. It took over fifteen seconds for it to neutralize the cold. I remember throwing a book at it, in that moment of fury. That's when mother entered and told me that two strangers had come to visit me. She called them healer and scientist. I called them white coats back then.

They never ceased to stare at me. They poked me, and checked my temperature and ran a couple of quick tests to confirm that I wasn't a product of freak radiation. Of course, back then, all I knew was that the white coats thought I was ill and wanted to give me pills. Yet all their examination never seemed to come to a definitive end. There was always talk of another visit in two weeks' time.
Sometime then, I began to realize that I would never blend in. That listening to the water and birds and the tyres will forever haunt me.
When people came to know of this, everyone wanted to talk to me. They wanted to know what it feels like. I could only share fragments of what I think; they just wouldn't understand.

*****************

The lake is a wonderful place to sit and think. In fact, I'm writing this from my favourite place - where tiny waves are created along the edges. The water tickles between my toes. There's a certain sense of bliss in this setting. Picturesque even, if you consider the hazy, dusky sunlight creating a warm glow on the lake and the scents of flowers being carried across by a gentle wind that rustled the leaves. You can hear the whirrs from the kid next to you working away on a Rubix cube. You can here the phud-phuds of people jogging on the track and the click-clacks of the stilettoed women. It would make you want to shout out. But I won't; my sound would disturb this ephemeral, peaceful set of sounds. These sounds that are both strange and fascinating. Especially the sounds of breathing; everyone has a different 'breathing-tone'.
I wonder why Lady Evolution decided to remove such a wonderful sense. I mean, just because it turns redundant doesn't mean one should be deprived of 'enjoying' the world. Why would the ears be deemed unnecessary. Science is a stupid complicated thing. The Theory of Kindred Evolution too supports this claim - it says that we need to be understood by those we considered as friends or relatives or people important in our lives. And therefore, when we have developed this telekinetic ability, ears become redundant. So, 'out with old and in with the new' I guess.
I must close this book now, to let the nature envelop me. Somehow, things seem more real in this place. Like we both belong to some distant, forgotten past.


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I probably won't post the entire story, but I'd love your thoughts on each of these disparate paragraphs.

What to tell
You are a good writer as always... Many things are there to learn from you..
I completely enjoyed it...

Wow! This was a really interesting piece! To be honest, at first when I was reading it I was like- what? This is stupid. And then you reeled me right in with the next paragraph. I think it's great! There were moments when your explainations and descriptions kinda blew over my head with the THeory of this and that- not to be rude, I'm just uncommonly dumb- and the first bit about stories didn't really fit with everything else. But you had me under your spell with the narrator who can hear, and nobody else can. I mean, this idea is incredible! And made me really wonder where life is going after this, what's going to happen to us when we take the next steps into the computer age? I've never even thought about what evolution has in store for us. So thank you, for opening my eyes!

Okay, so. I didn't like how you ended the story, I'm sad to say. Mostly probably because it seemed like it was more of an extended idea rather than a plot. I wanted to know more about the people around your character, the sort of life she lives, and perhaps any important conflicts or troubles she might run into. I wanted details. It appears as though you tell more than show, so put in more description, since you obviously have the talent for it. However, your character seemed interesting (if a little angsty) and I'd like to see her in a more clearer light. Also, I'd like a bit more dialogue in there.

Despite what I might have come across as, I do like this piece. Keep up the good work!

Noir.

Interesting piece. I liked it but I did have a few problems with it. For me the beginning was a bit slow and stale. It felt like reading a textbook, which of course is not a bad thing in itself, but putting it in the opening is a bit risky since the reader's interest will drop and they might not even bother to read further. When reading this piece it felt odd in places because while narration feels like it's from a point of view of a child there are some world that are a bit too complex/advanced. I find it odd to name Evolution a lady (maybe it's just because I have studied science for a while), evolution is a process; in a way, it is same as saying Lady Burning, which sounds very odd. Other than that I feel that it should be expanded a bit because after reading the piece I still had a lot of unanswered question as to the nature of the main character, how did she end up in the lab, what is her origin, how did the places where she stayed looked like, etc. I also have some questions regarding evolution which might be partly because you are not completely sure of what it is. In term of theory of evolution we need to be able to communicate because it increases chances of our survival, and there also seems to be the innate tendency to ensure the survival of your genes. The ability to hear, however, is not solely for the purpose of communication but also for the purpose of evading danger. In terms of evolution, when we are tense our ability to pay attention to sounds seems to drastically increase. As such, if we develop the ability to communicate using our minds there still will be the need to be able to hear well, however, the ability to speak will more or less become obsolete.
I think it's great but could still use some improvement. Best of luck.

I'm heeere.

This was intriguing, Lava. I'm assuming that its purpose was more scientific than it was literary - "scientific," of course, meaning science-fiction-experimentalism, if you get my meaning. I believe you're just probing and trying to see how far the concept will take you. Science is a boundless source of inspiration, and the realms of science fiction, I think, allow far more room for experimentation - more than fantasy or anything else. One can truly be creative. But if a story is uncorked in the process, that's all good and well. Haha, awhile ago I started a novella in which the characters exited a dying three-dimensional universe and found themselves in a young four-dimensional one. This may seem somewhat unrelated to your story, but I think it illustrates my point above: I was more interested in the concept itself than the story evolving into some work of literature.

Right. There are some problems regarding the realism of the whole idea (as previous reviewers took the liberty of pointing out), but they are so obvious and glaring that it's clear you were more interested in how the theme and the story coalesced, and less in the scientific foundation of the story. It's not hard to figure out that really, the probability of the mouth and ears disappearing through the mechanisms of evolution are infinitesimally small, considering how often they are used today. However, I'm not going to pay much attention to that in this review, because clearly you've heard it all before.

One

This wasn't a bad introduction. You communicated the information that needed to be communicated, and provided a bit of context. I do have a few things to say, though. First off, the beginning could do with a bit of editing. The opening is jarringly clunky, stuffed with short sentences that each strive to be powerful or moving but in their quantity end up blending together and not really getting anything across. Then you have statements like "I grew my hair long" that are placed in such a way that you'd expect them to be important, but sound more random than anything.

two arms and legs and everything like us

I got caught up on this, because I didn't really know what "us" looks like yet. It's like I always say: before you include something the reader doesn't know much about in a simile or metaphor, describe it; otherwise, the comparison doesn't mean anything.

Two

Not as much wrong with this fragment. I like how minimally you went into detail about the scientists, but still conveyed a powerful feeling of alienation, discomfort. You portrayed the image of the scientists as not being entirely intelligent, failing to recognize features of the earlier humanoid; I find this oddly ironic, because their inability to communicate seemed to make them less intelligent. That's how I see it, at least.

The only thing I might suggest would be to make the different scenes described here more related. You switch from attacking some temperature-controller device with a book to the encounter with the scientists to the narrator grieving about how no one would ever understand him/her.

Three

The lake is a wonderful place to sit and think. In fact, I'm writing this from my favourite place - where tiny waves are created along the edges. The water tickles between my toes. There's a certain sense of bliss in this setting.

Three out of these four sentences are short and stiff, and the remaining one isn't especially complex either. Needless to say, they didn't flow too well.

dusky sunlight creating a warm glow on the lake and the scents of flowers being carried across by a gentle wind that rustled the leaves.

Whoa there. Spread this out more. Commas are friends, not food foes.

It would make you want to shout out.

That's bizarre. ADHD, much?

But I won't; my sound would disturb this ephemeral, peaceful set of sounds.

Change "my sound" to "the noise" and you'll be golden.

I mean, just because it turns redundant doesn't mean one should be deprived of 'enjoying' the world.

You have an apostrophe before "enjoying" that you don't need. Also, at this point the reader doesn't know why ears became redundant, calling them that won't make much sense.

Why would the ears be deemed unnecessary.

'Tis a question, so a question mark is needed.

Science is a stupid complicated thing.

This makes it sound as if it were science's fault that ears disappeared from the human face, as if that was what it intended. However, as far as I know, it was evolution that precipitated the occurrence. This in mind, what, exactly, is the narrator so opposed to in science? The only answer would be the understanding of the process, which makes him/her sound somewhat arrogant and foolhardy.

telekinetic

I'm pretty sure you mean "telepathic." It's difficult to conceive how telekinesis could be used for communication purposes. : P

All in all, not bad. Keep writing.

-Kafka