Young Writers Society

Professor Morgenstern was not like you or me. When coffee was not served fast enough at Starbucks one day, rather than yell angrily and dive back into the morning traffic coffeeless, Professor Morgenstern invented a device which would let him walk through people so that he may have his coffee first. When a car almost ran him over, Professor Morgenstern invented a shield around himself which would explode any object of sufficient mass travelling at him with a sufficient speed. When Professor Morgenstern was young, he had a rule: anything is possible with enough time and resources. Then he invented his Matter Converter, and anything became possible with enough time. Then he invented his Time Machine.

But then there was a girl. We'll skip the discussion of the hole that formed in his heart, and how his automatons could never fill it; there is no reason to try and count the countless sheets scabbed over with mind-bending maths Professor Morgenstern's mathematical mind compiled to try and solve the riddle of love. The specifics are not important. The riddle solved itself without equations, the hole in his heart, though still present, knew what it wanted. There was a girl.

Cliche dictates that here will follow Professor Morgenstern's clumsy attempts to woo the lady with his dorky charms, but nothing of the sort happened. They clicked along fabulously, Professor Morgenstern and the girl. He wanted her, and she wanted him. But that's not to say there weren't problems to solve.

"Morgenstern," she said one day. "The world is against us. I am moving to a different city, and we cannot be together."

Professor Morgenstern needed only the time one needs to snap his fingers - what with the Time Machine he had - to build a set of spider-legs onto his science lab and crawl it to a block down from her new house.

"Morgenstern," she said another day. "My mother does not approve of you, and so we cannot be together."

Undaunted, Professor Morgenstern built a curious teleportation machine which let him be with his beloved whenever either of them so desired. It was quiet and subtle, and her mother never found out. At first, Professor Morgenstern wanted to erase her mother's mind and make her think it was alright for them to be together, but the girl was rather against the idea.

"Morgenstern," she said once they rode into Professor Morgenstern's palace and stood alone in his beautifully decorated bed-chamber. "Morgenstern, I've made a mistake. I don't love you."

Professor Morgenstern became gravely inconvenienced at this turn of events. His fist, an object of a sufficient mass, travelled towards the girl at a sufficient speed. The shield reduced the girl to an unfortunate smear on the wall. The force of the explosion boiled the remains into the soft rugs hanging there.

Once again, we'll skip his inevitable realization of this horrific mistake. Professor Morgenstern always had a solution. Nothing is impossible, he said to himself as he stepped into his Time Machine.

"Morgenstern, I've made a mistake," she said, again and again and again and again. "I don't love you. I don't love you. I don't love you."

There was no favourable configuration of time-streams. There was no right sequence of events. There was no answer, but on he tried. "I don't love you." He tried and tried, but he grew weary. On whichever alternate timeline, on whatever attempt, he gave up and left her but a bloody mark in his bed-chamber.

"It's not right to say 'there was no answer'," Professor Morgenstern would correct me here. "The answer simply did not lay in the time-streams."

So he built cloning-machines. He made empty vessels of the girl, which he invaded and carnally explored. And it was good, but only for a while. So then he made an exact copy of the girl, but he made her in such a way so that she would worship him. It was good for a little longer this time. On his next attempt he made an exact replica of her, but manipulated her mind ever so subtly, just enough so that she loved him. And yet, this was still only a different person wearing the shell of his girl's body. He loved the real her, and the real her did not love him back.

For the first time in his life, Professor Morgenstern really did have no answer. So Professor Morgenstern forced a smile at the ever-gazing sun, tore off the shield-device from his arm, and leaped off his tallest tower to his death.

And in a slightly different universe, a slightly different Professor Morgenstern took a slightly different route. He waited patiently in line for Starbucks. He yelled profanity at the reckless driver, but wasted no time because he was yet to build his time machine. Just the same, though, disaster struck: "I don't love you," she said. He was still gravely inconvenienced, but he did not draw his arm for a strike. Instead, he wrote some whiny poetry, cried a bit in the corner.

Then he found another girl.

Again in the style of Eastern European speculative fiction, again excellent. The pulp geek in me would have preferred the Prof. to meet his other less intense self and realize that this is what he wants and then operate on his brain. Haha!

I like this, and I like that I liked Morgenstern even after he punched the girl (the first time) but really didn't want to like him, and I like that you didn't waste any words. But:

But that is not to say there weren't problems to solve.

doesn't fit in with the effortlessness of the rest of the writing. Just using a contraction instead of 'that is' would fix it, I think.

Professor Morgenstern need only the time one needs to snap his fingers

*needed?

Thanks for an entertaining read!

Hey cC,

I like the overall rhythm and simplicity of language here, as well as the story's self-awareness, and the way you build up the 'tragedy' in the story only to completely trivialize it with the end.

The main comment I'd like to make, I think, would be that some of the formulaic expressions you repeat grow overly repetitive. I understand it is part of the point, as indeed this is only, in a way, a progression of similar events only changing in scale, but there are times when it doesn't read like another brick on the edifice so much as another layer of drab paint on a wall already painted over.

There are also points where I feel like the tone is a bit off, like you're straying from the very matter-of-fact way that seems the default in favor of a more Silver Age comic books-style enthusiasm (the part about the triumphant kidnapping pops out especially), and it jars me out.

Then you've got the small things, where I think you went a bit overboard with similes ("like a burst mosquito full of blood freshly suckled from your vein." is such a stumbling mouthful), but that's probably more a personal squick.

A fun read, overall. Nice work.

Oohhh, I love this kind of writing! Simple yet clever wording, a subtle flow and rhythm of words, and a witty, sad, and somehow pleasant tone throughout. Is this perfect? No, there are a few things I would look back on and tweak. Yet the other reviewers covered it and give me the opportunity to just say, I liked this.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

I love this! I like the way you stated everything that happened so matter-of-factly and made the professor such a lovable dumbass. The ending was pretty unexpected, since he always solves his problems, but I guess it sort of gives it a theme, that love can't be forced. I also like how you added the part about the alternate universe, with the other less proactive professor who could move on from heartbreak. I didn't really see any problems, other than that the main character isn't quite 3-dimensional. But great job, and keep up the good work!

Okay, so here I am, as requested. I must say, I am glad I made it.

So I will look at this the way I look at published work, I won't focus on a line by line, I won't point out little errors or nuances that others may. Because the writing itself is good, flawless. The story could do with a little tweaking.

Okay so as far as style goes, you nailed it. It's consistent, reasonably unique and fits well with the story. Hints of Vonnegut(?) rung through. I think you could allow yourself a little figurative language here and there. If I have any gripes with the writing and the style, it is the lack of those little quirky metaphors that could really set this aside. I assume Vonnegut is a big influence on this, so I will site his work. One thing Vonnegut does exceptionally well is he places a breathtaking image in the heart of the action, breathtaking yet quirky and strange. He takes a moment for the reader to catch their breath. He could be describing anything and the way in which he words it, and where he places it is genius.

So many writers have tried and failed to mimic his style, to compete in the subgenre he truly made his own. Few have actually earned comparison. Some have adapted their style - conceded as it were. I, for one, have struggled to draw a great deal of inspiration from his work. I wrote a story King that was probably my best shot. But I never really felt comfortable.

The point I wish to make regards the lack of clear imagery. I think for the most part you are clear and concise and rather unique, but this would be a great deal stronger if you placed a little more weight on the image. It's a balancing act, and you have been so damn good and thorough, but I would suggest just loosening up the prose and allowing the image to come about naturally - if that makes sense.

Now the next thing. Take care with repetition. I hope Vonnegut is an influence or my face will be red because I am going to site him again. My biggest criticism of Vonnegut is his repition. 'And so it goes,' 'So be it,' ' Bokonism' spring to mind. You don't hash mantras over and again, but you do carelessly repeat words, I'm not sure if it's a matter of accident or design. Here is an example.

no reason to count the countless sheets

and here is another.

There was no fortunate configuration of time-streams. There was no right sequence of events. There was no answer, but on he tried

I think it contributes to the style and you do get away with it. Just take care. I am particularly sensitive to this, so I would get a second opinion.

He wrote some whiny poetry, cried a little in a corner.

This line also seems a little misplaced. I don't like it, or the one before. The story is at its close, it has been a delightful ride. Drive home the point, we know the alternate universe version is subtly different, don't commit any more to this detail.

I have read some of your older stuff. The last piece you posted was good, but wasn't really my thing. I will say, the greatest strength of your writing is its fluidity and effortlessness. I would like to believe you wrote this and that was that. But somewhere deep down I know there must have been a great deal of rewriting, editing, reworking, research, and polishing. But the reader will never know and that is truly a beautiful thing, like a watchface with gold and diamonds, always telling the time, but always concealing the workings, the grind, the strain and effort. So well done, don't get lazy and don't lose this because your prose is professional, lacking at times, but professional - everything else is preference!

JP

Reviewtiem, love. So you already know most of my quick thoughts about this, but there are a couple of things I want to stress about this piece in case you decide to revise again.

First off, irregular, strained, and/or ineffectual tone. Now, this mild and rather factual tone is a very, very nice touch in this piece, but I think at times it feels a bit strained. You do quite a nice job of not going into the emotions and specific thoughts of the character, while maintaining a nice quality of humanness. You let the reader think and develop the story for themself, without keeping it too generalized and vague, which is truly excellent. However, as I said, it gets a bit strained at times. Here is an example:

Professor Morgenstern built an especially huge robot, personally piloting it, and triumphantly kidnapped the girl from her house. It was all chivalry, of course: the mother was allowed to live in a spacious palace, and she would get full service of Professor Morgenstern's automatons. There was no evil intent there.

I don't know if it's awkward tone or awkward structuring, but this is one example of where I felt your piece stumbled, just a bit.


Then there, are bits where I feel we are led to doubt the character. Morgenstern is an interesting man, there is no refuting that, and his character is left to fall into cliche at parts, which I actually think works quite a bit because of the twists and wonderful way you've told this story, but in this space:

So he built cloning-machines. He made empty vessels of the girl, which he invaded and carnally explored.

and here

And it was good, but only for a while. So then he made an exact copy of the girl, but he made her in such a way so that she would worship him. And it was good, for a longer while, but still only a finite while - she was just not the person he loved.

I have to wonder whether Morgenstern ever felt remorse or what he was doing was immoral. If his character makes sense. Sometimes he seems almost too human and sometimes he seems apathetic. You just leave it at "she wasn't the same" which is a selfish way at looking at it-- he only stopped doing what he was doing because it wasn't working for HIM, or because he realized that it was wrong and that he needed someone human, someone who had the ability to reject him, because that contrast of someone accepting you and loving you even though they have the opportunity, maybe even reasons, not to, is what makes it count. There is a dire lack of this in your story. That is my main, problem, I think, as stupid as that may seem.

Next up, lack of specificities. I don't mean in emotion or character reactions, as I've already mentioned that and said that I quite like the way you handled that, but much more in description and the relationship between the two main characters. You rely too much on assumption in their relationship. You describe a couple of difficulties between them, resolutions that he creates, but very little of what actually happens between them. We have no sense of time, no sense of what is going on. The reason for his suicide seems almost unwarranted, aside from the fact that he's killed someone, but we have no sense of horror to share with him. Now, this might just be my personal taste completely, because I adore specific descriptions and details, but it's something to consider, I think. If you think it would change the tone or distance from the story too much, leave it as it is. It works, just differently. Same thing goes with imagery.

Now-- just a few more thoughts, I promise
This is good. Quite good, in fact, probably one of my favorite prose pieces from the site for a while. I wasn't super ecstatic about it at first, but you've changed a lot of things, gave it a fabulous ending in place of what was here before, and overall, it works. Very, very well. You have a nice even cadence and fabulous language-- a sense of lucidity that, quite frankly, I envy. So, love, job well done.

Hey,

Hmm, there isn't much to review here. It had a very concise, professional feel to it and you really wasted no words.

carbonCore wrote:"Morgenstern," she said one day. "The world is against us. I am moving to a different city, and we cannot be together."

Professor Morgenstern needed only the time one needs to snap his fingers - what with the Time Machine he had - to build an army of giant invisible robots to conquer the country and make every city available to him at the motion of a hand.

If she's moving, what would conquering the country and owning all the cities do to slow that down? She's still moving. It's just that he now owns wherever she's moving. Maybe I'm dull, but it didn't seem like the resolution you gave us really fixed the problem.

carbonCore wrote: It was all chivalry, of course: the mother was allowed to live in a spacious palace, and she would get full service of Professor Morgenstern's automatons.

I don't quite understand this part. If he's kidnapping the girl he loves, why wouldn't he just leave her mother in her house? Why build her a palace?

carbonCore wrote: His fist, an object of a sufficient mass, travelled towards the girl at a sufficient speed. The shield reduced the girl to a fleshy smear on a wall, like a burst mosquito full of blood freshly suckled from your vein.

I had to read this twice to understand it. Wow, I actually really liked this. Well, I'm not psychopathic, I don't like that the girl exploded, but I liked the way you described it.

carbonCore wrote: So he built cloning-machines. He made empty vessels of the girl, which he invaded and carnally explored. And it was good, but only for a while. So then he made an exact copy of the girl, but he made her in such a way so that she would worship him. And it was good, for a longer while, but still only a finite while - she was just not the person he loved. And so he made again an exact replica of her, but manipulated her mind ever so subtly, just enough so that she loved him. But again, this was only a different person wearing the shell of his girl's body.

Question: With all this happening, is the original girl still dead? Wouldn't anyone care if she was? It seems like Professor Morgenstern doesn't face any consequences with anything he does, which is pretty weird. I mean, wouldn't the science world go crazy over the invention of a Time Machine? I understand that we should suspend our disbelief and just assume that the Professor just rules the world, but it seems rather unrealistic, to be honest.

I hope I haven't made myself sound like too much of an idiot.

~*~

The ending was absolutely perfect. I really liked the "He cried in the corner, wrote some whiny poetry" line, even though it doesn't seem very Morgenstern-like. The story overall was darkly humorous and had just the right about of description, dialogue and all that other junk. Great job.

Grade: A

If you have any questions or comments, PM me.


~Jas

I read it. It was darkly entertaining. Somehow, on the other side of things (the alternate and less poignant version of the Professor), I found that there was a bit of weak symbolism. Are you referring to the writer as a wimpy evil scientist? Perhaps I'm on the wrong tangent.

Anyway, it was good- very good. I sensed the humor, but couldn't laugh; that's OK, though, because I rarely laugh at anything- other people may have laughed, but who knows.

No grammatical errors.

The dialogue was fine, and the underlying theme was apparent. In the end, there were unanswered questions and a strange, unsettled feeling sinking in my gut. But I'm assuming that that was your purpose all along.

It was interesting. Keep writing!

I want to get back to this. Eventually.

I didn't like this story until the last line.

And then he found another girl.

And then I love it.
I think you found your own unique to show the message of life goes on(if not in this dimension, than another;)), and I tip my hat to you for doing that.
I have no complaints.Well done.
*Follow* and *like*. ~DG

Ha HA! Fantastic. It's so wild yet so dark, it's like Grimm's Sci-Fi Fairy Tales.

anything is possible with enough time and resources. Then he invented his Matter Converter, and anything became possible with enough time. Then he invented his Time Machine.

This line really sets the stage for hilarity. It might have flowed a little better with parallelism if the last line were worded "Then he invented his Time Machine, and anything became possible." But I'm sure you debated this and chose what you did for a reason.

Overall, though, the solutions to each problem (except the body shield one) seemed pretty cobbled together and ugly. I mean, I guess it's kind of Inspector Gadget-y/Rube Goldberg-y/Doc Brown-y/mad scientist over-the-top. But are still rather inelegant. Line too long? Walk through them? Moving away? I own the country? Mom doesn't like me? I have a huge robot, she likes me now? Yeah, I guess, sure, why not.

Once again, we'll skip his inevitable realization of his horrific mistake

The "Once again" made me look back through the piece to see what you were referring to, but I didn't find it. Where before did he skip his inevitable realization of his horrific mistakes? I guess we did skip portions of the story before this, but this line just makes me double-take.

"Morgenstern, I've made a mistake," she said, again and again and again and again. "I don't love you. I don't love you. I don't love you."

This was great.

I don't know, I guess it's telling of his character, but I would think he might at least ask her "why?" at some point and the answer would be significant, even if unchangeable. I know the girl is only given so many stock lines and it would ruin the formula to deviate, but it still does seem important to me.

Anyway, all in all, fantastic read. Thanks.

cC, marry me.

In other news, I liked this a lot more than I thought I was going to. A lot more than I probably would have bet myself over. It was rather straight-forward, no flowery descriptions. All rather fairy-tale like in simplicity mixed with that hazy, unfocused pieces devoid of emotion which you seem to favor. Not that that's a bad thing, of course! The emotional detachment of character to reader makes the story all the more impacting, at least in this case. It could have went one of two ways and you took it in the right direction beautifully so.

Now, onto some critical things in which I found could use a bit of work;

Once again, we'll skip his inevitable realization of his horrific mistake. Professor Morgenstern always had a solution. Nothing is impossible, he said to himself as he stepped into his Time Machine.

I realize, to keep such a quick, almost tale-like story line, one should not dwell on what doesn't need to be dwelled upon. That being said, this, though, I found to be rather subtle as opposed to the rest of the piece, as if you jumped ship a little too early. That realization might make for some good fiction, if given the chance. That bland off-handedness at first, than the realization. Of course, that's completely up to you.

Then he invented his Matter Converter, and anything became possible with enough time. Then he invented his Time Machine.

Now, I understand that you're using the word 'then' for your own purposes here, but starting off two sentences in a row with 'then' creates a redundancy which I'm sure you don't want nor need. So possibly think of a better connective word?

Other than that, this piece was odd to me, in a good way of course. Different, as it was rather dark piece of fiction with an interesting twist in which I found to be quite exciting. Its a tale that has been told by many different people, but not quite like how you do it, cC, and I respect that all the more. You have a way of making even the worst aspects of people look poetic and interesting, and even though the idea of this Prof taking carnal pleasure from a clone seems to be quite the bleak, horrifying image, it doesn't come across as such simply because of how you worded this.

Rather a mature piece. A moral story for adults. You clearly have something to say and everyone's hearing it.

~Walker

This was incredible. It felt like it was in the vein of "A series of unfortunate events" I was biased to this thinking by listening to russian polka while I read. Lovely piece.