Young Writers Society

I’m telling you right now that I am alive. Don’t tell anyone about this. You’ll probably think that I’m sort of murderer or some chick who became psycho but I’m not. Trust me, okay? The reason why I came to you was because you’re neither zombie nor one of those genetically engineered messengers. You’re human who is living in an old flat three storeys underground. So please believe me because I will tell you everything that had happened.

It all started when the doctors took me out of my mother’s womb three months after her pregnancy, and made me a subject of the messenger program. Have you heard about it? I guessed you do since some of your kin were turned into those things. No? That’s a pity. Anyway, this program is basically a step forward in human evolution. Usually what separate we messengers and you humans, is the ability to fly, and a rapid increase in regeneration alongside increased strength and agility. In my case, they tried to recreate a messenger out of an aborted foetus. I was a success.

Thank you, but unfortunately, after I came out of the incubator, forty percent of my organs were still underdeveloped, and that without needed medicine, I would decay to a pile of goo. And then I was partnered with Cero.

I can describe him to you in one word: Dickhead! Seriously, just because he became a messenger when he was a human while I became one nine years after incubation doesn’t mean he had to treat me like rubbish. I tried to get to know better and to stop harassing me but no; he thinks he’s the boss. Every time he talked to me, it was always like, “Rheal. Can. You. Hear. Me?” I’m not that dumb for him to say each word with a pause. I try to be nice to nice but it just doesn’t work with him.

And then he tried to kill me.

I don’t know the reason but I assume it was personal. He always wanted to be partnered with a female human messenger. Come on, it’s not my fault I had looked like a ten year old kid. My body haven’t developed yet but he always brags how he wanted to be with the female messenger than me. So, here’s what had happened. We were assigned to a mission, like most messengers, to locate a rabid zombie that was trapped in a room ten storeys underground. I had just celebrated my twentieth –I still looked like a kid back then- so I was in the mood to reach the place first. So we got there. The place look like a bunch of messengers had got drunk, and cut a zombie into shreds, but there was no zombie. It was empty. When I asked him, what was going on,-BOOM- he shot me.

Sorry if I ranted about that dickhead, but I just want to get the steam off of me. So enough of me what about you? Do you always live in this junk you humans call home? It’s in bad shape compare to where I formerly lived when I was an active messenger. Do you anyone? Do they look like you with your long black hair, head arched back, drooling, and strapped to a wheelchair? No response? You humans are boring, always are. So if you can’t say anything let me continue.
Before that, I would like to confess that I never imagined talking to you. I thought I was in heaven or whatever you humans believe. But when I woke up, there was this kid devouring a human femur. I thought he was a zombie with his dishevelled face, black face, and greyish skin, until he spoke.

“You’re the first messenger that made out alive. Messengers usually slice their victims before they chuck them to the underground sewage. I guessed you were already too decayed to be slice off.” He sounded like he was about to die. Maybe he was since his body look malnourished. I never answered. How would I? Imagine me with my organs from torso below malfunctioned. What do you get? Yes, you are correct. The only things that were functioning were my heart, one lung, my left eye, and my brain. That didn’t give me a relief.

I thank my system for my survival. Every messenger knew that the system is located just beside my heart, and Cero must have missed it by an inch. You humans may not know but we got this special organ we call system that allows us to regenerate our bodies and make us fly. Mine was already in shatters due to my underdeveloped body but it was still working. You humans, don’t have this which is why you are inferior to us.

“We’re at the sewers.” He continued rummaging his coat. “I save you after I saw floating down stream, less than an hour ago. My dad wanted you for dinner but after I saw you breathing, I disobeyed him. I always wanted to meet a messenger. My dad always tells me that they’re bad people but i want to prove him that he’s wrong. My name is Jack. You’re in pain, right? I’m in the same boat. I and my sister are currently scavenging for food but I promise you’re not on the menu. Here, you can have this. I found this on a corpse a couple weeks ago, and I bet it is still working.”

What he held in his hand resembled a glowing white worm that squirmed around his fingers. Despite my eyesight, I knew it was a system. He pushed the system deep inside my mouth and suddenly, I felt all my organs regenerating itself that it was almost like an orgasm. I have never been so grateful in my whole life.
But I ate him, and the rest of his family.

Wait! Wait! I can explain. I killed them because I was hungry. That’s it. I was very, very hungry. When both systems intertwined, one of the first organs to function well was my stomach, and when that happened, I felt intense hunger.

I apologized if I killed your kin. Cheer up, though because I killed them quick, and that their body haven’t gone to waste. So, after my body recovered, I grasped his face and ripped the skull off his body. After which, I ate him raw. My next encounter was his sister who bore quite a resemblance to me. I almost thought she was a sister whom my mother never aborted especially her hair and her eyes. The rest of her body looked like a rag doll; those that are discarded and let the dust settle in. That was her. She was feeding, her father strapped to a wheelchair like you. She had a bowl in one hand where a decapitated head of a rat was floating. She came to me, with her bulging eyes, and asked her father, “Dad! Jack brought something

“Is it a messenger?” He leaned his head forward, trying to inspect me. You humans, are a curious bunch, are you?

“Are you a messenger me?” asked me. Her voice was soft, and a little stressed but I never really answered her. I shoved my hand to her chest, and squeeze the life from her heart. That didn't kill her quick, so I crushed her neck. That lasted for ten seconds so she hasn’t got time to feel pain, I think. As for his father, I smashed his head on the ground. There was some struggle from him, especially screaming, but they were humans. Humans are weak and I was hungry. I almost felt sorry for the whole family when I inspected their bodies. They haven’t done anything, and that boy had saved me but I just killed them like I never care. I do care. Believe me but it was survival that was important first. They were already struggling to survive so I gave them peace off their suffering.

Hey there!

So I'll stay away from my regular reviewing ways as you asked for characters, structure, and style. So here you are:

Characters: This to me was the brightest particle of your piece. We got to know the main character very well. I would like to know the others a little more, but we are able to make a sort of connection with the main character, this is largely thanks in part to using first person, but still I commend you for this. Good job!

Structure: I don't know, I suppose the structure was good. What I felt a lot though, was that there was a lot of rambling. Information that wasn't interesting while at the same time not needed. Stuff like this for instance I think was overused:

Have you heard about it? I guessed you do since some of your kin were turned into those things. No? That’s a pity. Anyway, this program is

I'm not saying not to speak to your readers like this, but rather to cut back on it. It just seems a little cumbersome, and well... Annoying at times.

Before that, I would like to confess that I never imagined talking to you. I thought I was in heaven or whatever you humans believe. But when I woke up, there was this kid devouring a human femur. I thought he was a zombie with his dishevelled face, black face, and greyish skin, until he spoke.

This whole part was kind of odd, as if it was a complete afterthought to something you had already written.

Style: I made some comments on this in the paragraph above the last. I like it in most areas, but it can get annoying the way you speak to your readers. I feel there has to be a balance between actually talking and explaining. If you were telling me a story verbally for instance, I doubt you would say things like "No? That's a pity. Anyway.... or Sorry if I ranted..... Enough about me, what about you? No response?" It seems very juvenile, and fake. I'm not trying to be rude, so don't hate me.... Just constructive So don't take anything too harshly.

Overall: Finally I will just say that this was a very interesting piece. It is different, mysterious, and somewhat underdeveloped. If you went back through and clarified things, took out some of the parts that aren't needed etc... It could be pretty good. Also, I know you said this is a second language, and you did really good, but there were some things that I think you should be able to catch. I won't go over them because you asked me not to, but just make sure you don't use the "second language" as a crutch, and excuse not to read through and edit. Hope I was of help, and I didn't anger you or anything with what I have written. If you have any questions, please PM me. I'm happy to help out!

-HostofHorus