Young Writers Society

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Hey!

I would like to preface this review with the fact that I don't normally read or review science-fiction, so you might want to take my suggestions with a grain of salt.

Anyway, I liked this piece. For the most part is was very well-written. There were only a few sentences where I got tripped up. I think the idea of the world going to hell because of excessive pollution is an interesting one, and definitely relevant to the times. I also liked how you included the "island of garbage" because I have recently seen a story about the mass of garbage floating around in the pacific. Perhaps that is where you got the inspiration for this story?

So, I have a few suggestions. The main problem with this story is that it does not really have the power it should. I haven't really come to care about the characters or their world. I am not emotionally invested in them, and as such, I don't really care what happens to them. I am not exactly sure of the best way to fix this, but I think it would help if you emphasized that your MC's world, is our world just a few decades down the line. One way to do this is to make the story of destruction more concrete. Maybe this means mentioning specific cities, or detailing a specific person's story. Maybe your MC had a sister who died in the fight, or a friend who starved to death. Maybe mention a specific battle, the screams of the people, the smell of death etc. Maybe detail the refugees, make them as human as possible. Right now, you speak mostly in generalizations, try and make it really personal. The message should be clear: These characters, these people, are just like us. In fact, they are us.

The other thing I would work on is the ending. I really like the irony of it, however the whole bit with the plant confused me. You moved through it rather quickly. How did your MC know that this soil was special? Why was he so excited by this plant? Also, it seemed rather convenient that they just happen to have a lab on board. It seems a little inconsistent. When your main goal is survival, you don't usually think to pack up the microscope and petri dishes, do you?

Lastly, just a few miscellaneous things.

Are we going to drown, and go down to our watery graves?

This is worded awkwardly. Maybe this is just a personal opinion, but it did not seem all that natural, and was rather jarring. Just something to think about.

Tim and Hari held on for dear life as another gigantic wall of water the height of a twelve story building rose up above them, before crashing down with enough force to pulverize bone.

If the wave had the power to "pulverize bone" I don't it would have any trouble pulverizing a wooden vessel, or like, a human being. I would use a different descriptor.

Hope that helped. If you have any comments or questions feel free to PM me! Thanks for the read,
Audrey

In four words: good premise, bad execution. I was a little bit surprised, actually, given that the last story I reviewed by you was really good. This story is not polished (you forget to put punctuation at the end of some sentences, especially in quotes; and some dialogue parts don't have ending quotes), and it's not very well crafted. I realize these are harsh things to say, and I realize that critiques like this don't make for the most pleasant read, but bear with me for a little bit while I explain what I mean.

First of all, the character Ana feels out of place to me. For one, you go to a certain length to characterize her, only to stop using her after her introduction (except for one point in the story, where she says a grand total of one line). For two, her dialogue is very inconsistent with what you make her out to be. I'll be honest: I giggled a bit at the "watery graves" line. Is this a comical character? I thought she was supposed to be serious. For someone who stares at a wall with a blank look on her face, I'd expect her to say something like "We're going to die." in monotone. For bonus points, have her repeat that a few times.

Second: your author tract. I am, of course, referring to the huge section of text where you go on to say how awful everyone is and how we're all choking ourselves with our own refuse. I start reading a story with waves and winds and ships and weeping adults and crying children, then I smash face-first at full speed into an exposition about everything that's wrong with the world. You even go as far as to use "you" in that section. So are you now speaking specifically to me? Okay, cool, but I thought I was reading about weeping adults and crying children. Why not have them discuss it amongst themselves, in a non-invasive way, over the course of the whole story, so that I learn about your world and save my face from smashing into solid walls of text? For instance: "They had been going to Canada, but of course they couldn't dock there. Hari knew this. Too many wise guys laid eyes on the only country with still-clean water in the world." or something along those lines. Sprinkle these kinds of messages in this way across your story, and you'll be golden.

Third: the ending. Isn't it great that the nice microbes make everything all right? It sure is, for the characters at least, but not for the readers, who would expect your characters to earn their happy ending. Instead, they just happen upon the solution as if it was laying in the middle of a proverbial street. This is the equivalent of writing a soul-crushing story about a drug addict and having him find a billion dollars in a dumpster, thus letting him live large and have all the drugs he could ever want. I mean, the moral of your story seems to be this: It's okay to pollute and waste and turn water and air into poison because eventually microbes will come along and act as a reset button, then turn all of your garbage into useful soil! So throw those plastic wrappers on the ground, kids, as there will be no real lasting consequences to your actions!

Finally: the microbes and the trash island. The microbes turned a plastic bag into earth (being miniature particle accelerators / fission reactors, one would think) in about 25 seconds. And yet the island is still there. Wouldn't you think that the entire island would now be converted into soil? Or did they appear like maybe a couple of days before the ship got there? Furthermore: sure, they're harmless to humans (so far, at least until the next mutation where they learn to particle accelerate / fission human flesh), but what about buildings and stuff? Or, you know, plastic that is of actual use? In computers, for instance? In a tube of a life support patient? Hmm.

So to sum it up: your idea is good, but again, the execution suffers. I hate saying this - I really do, because I actually wrote a blog entry refuting this idea - but show, don't tell. You tell way too much. Waaaay too much. Like the part where they find the garbage island and you point out that what doomed humanity was now helping them. Gee, thanks for clearing that up, since I couldn't make the connection myself. You know? I'm not trying to be mean -- apologies if that sounded rude -- but this kind of pointing out the obvious can ruin even a good piece. Here, it just added to my frustrations.

My recommendation is that you re-write this. You can make it good, as I've seen you're capable of much subtler writing in "The Gods play Marbles". But most readers like to think about what they're reading, not have ideas rubbed into their faces. Those that don't like to think already have plenty of excellent literature - it's called "Twilight".

Your servant,
cC

Hi, tr3x, please prepare for a very harsh review. If you don’t want to cry, don’t open the following spoiler.
There. I’ve made my disclaimer, so don’t come crying to me later that you hated it or were offended.



Jenth

Well it's a bit preachy. The whole time I was thinking, "plastic does biodegrade, just not as fast as other stuff." So while I would normally be happy to suspend disbelief for a brief time to read your tale, I found your statements of rubbish consuming the world to be a bit unbelievable. I mean, if you didn't have the monologue about how terrible the environment is getting, I'd be much happier. I read stories so I don't have to listen to that and, as I like to say, it's fiction, write fiction, don't try to base it on facts. Also, the ending seemed way too contrived and happy-go-lucky.
Other than that, the concept of a world comprised entirely of garbage is actually kind of cool. I think you could run with that idea and still put on a subtle scathing social commentary. Keep it subtle, though, OK? I want a niggling feeling of guilt in the back of my head, not a feeling of, "Oh, yay, a hippie's writing this."
So you should work on it, but I think you can make a good story out of it.