Young Writers Society

It was on the television. We were watching the newest episode of survivor, the people of the shelter and me. Then the whole screen went black, then an alarm went off and red letters appeared, "The Earth has tilted off its axis! The apocalypse is upon us!" The room went silent. This was a joke... Right? Surely, it could't be... Weren't the Mayans just a bunch of loons?

The earthquake moments later answered our questions and set our fear in stone.

Windows broke, tables and chairs fractured and collapsed, and shrieks could be heard all around. I ran out into the street, only to find structures failing and roads cracking. A violent shudder brought me to my knees. Glass and rubble scratched at my skin, but I did not care. I found a small radio, and started my way to the town square. Slowly, the tremors reduced and dissappeared, leaving devastation behind. Bodies everywhere, dead or unconcious, I did not know.

I remember, when I was little, my brother and I used to play earthquake, tumbling and rolling and shaking with laughter. There were no smiles now. Cries, shouts, and whimpers, but no laughter.

An older man came to me and said I needed to tell my father to report to the police station immediatley, to help out. I simply replied, "Sir, my family has been dead for years." The man, startled at his mistake, excused himself and walked away. I sighed heavily and sat on a cracked curb. The radio, a bit outdated, was my only source here. people would not talk to me, because of who I was. I was the daughter of a man who knew this was coming. He tried to warn people, but they thought he was nuts. Some time later, someone set the house on fire, killing my parents and brother.

I grit my teeth at the memory and turned on the radio. A scratchy voice emitted from the speakers, "Flood waters sinking islands, evacuation plans in motion. Nuclear power plants are having total meltdowns, volcanoes erupting everythere." I shuddered. Guess my parents weren't crazy bastards afterall...

I noticed people piling into trucks, so I went to join them. People glanced my way warily. I jumped in. The road was bumpy and uncomfortable, but hey, the road to hell was never pretty. I curled up and closed my eyes, hoping to catch come sleep before we arrived at the mountain; our evacuation plan.

We arrived at the base of the mountain not twenty minutes later. So much for sleep. I hopped out of the truck and went to inspect the path. It was a bit rocky, but nothing seriously impairing, so I headed up with everyone else. A little boy next to me picked a little purple and yellow flower and gave it to me. I smiled and thanked him. He walked back to his mother, and when I saw her, a flood of memories rushed back to me. Weeks in court, flames, loss... That was his son. the man who killed my family.

I shook my head and continued on. then it hit me, and I knew the truth. We were going to die, and that was that. Tears slid down my face, and I fell to my knees. Who could save us? nothing, no one. It was hopeless. Just as I resolved to go no further, someone shrieked, "Wave, wave! Giant wave! Everyone, up the damned mountain!" I looked over and saw an enormous wall of water headed straight for the mountain. I scrambled to my feet and rushed up the path. People stumbled over themselves, filled with a new energy and a desire to live. Some cried, some screamed, others just ran for their lives. The water was relentless, surging over everything in it's path, filling every crevice and every pore of everything it touched. And then, it hit the mountain. Water bursted off the side, spraying everyone heavily, and knocking off rocks. Someone fell over the edge.

The little boy who gave me the flower, his son, wailed, "MOMMY!" I looked away from the water to see why he screamed. He was teetering on the edge, about to fall off. I lunged for him, flinging him to saftey. His mother caught him and then looked to me and shouted, "I'm sorry it has to end like this!" I lost my footing, and began to fall.

She reached for me, but it was too late. The water, churning below me, welcomed my body with icy fingers. my vision blurred, but I still saw my little flower floating away. I attempted to reach for it, but water seared down my throat. The water was no longer icy blue, it was fiery red. Burning my insides, making me one with the fire. I screamed water, I bled water. I was water, I would die water. Blackness replaced the red, and the last thing I thought before I took the hand of the blissful silence was, "The end of the world, dad. The end of me."

Paul here!

Wow, nice story! Depressing, though Now I wish I had a puppy to hold. I guess the end of the world isn't always fun and games. In fact, that's probably the most admirable thing I can say here, as far too few apocalyptic stories ("The Road" comes to mind) really makes you feel the horror of what's happening. This is one of the few "disaster" stories I've read/seen that really conveyed that uncomfortable sense of "wow, we're f***ed!"

Now for the criticism (i.e. the negative stuff that's more pickiness than anything else)

the man, startled at his mistake, excused himself and walked away.

You need to capitalize the "The".

Slowly, the tremors reduced and dissapeared, leaving devastation behind. Bodies everywhere, dead or unconcious, I did not know.

It's "disappeared", not "dissapeared." Trust the red lines

His mother caught him and then looked to me and said, "Samantha, my husband killed your family, and you save my son. You repay with only kindness. I'm so sorry."

Unless the woman is a foreigner who speaks very little English, this line sounds a little weird. Even if it takes place in a foreign land (I understand you're trying to be as broad as possible due to the nature of the event, so location isn't really a big deal), I can't see someone squeezing out a sentence like that in the context of what's happening. Maybe something a little shorter, or more rushed, or maybe just a simple nod would suffice. That bit of backstory about the dad is interesting, but would really fit in better in a longer narrative. The fact that she saves her father's murderer's daughter would be much more meaningful is we didn't have to be told it after the fact.

Aside from my (few) criticisms, I would definitely recommend submitting this in the "Let's Get Apocalyptic" contest. topic77464.html Unless, of course, you've already done so, in which case you have a free pass to call me a lazy moron for not checking before I started this review

It's not a bad story, but I could see several errors...

VousEsEtonnant wrote:The whole screen went black, then an alarm went off and red letters appeared, "The Earth has tilted off it's axis! The apocalypse is upon us!"

The Earth can only tilt off its axis, not it's axis.

VousEsEtonnant wrote:I curtly replied, "Sir, my family has been dead for years." The man, startled at his mistake, excused himself and walked away. I sighed heavily and sat on a cracked curb. The radio, a bit outdated, was my only source here.

I cannot imagine how one would 'curtly reply' during an earthquake! People usually run, or where earthquakes are common, they try to stick to safety measures.
It is an earthquake! Nobody will be inclined to simply sit somewhere. There is a disqueting sense of calm on the MC, so much so that you almost feel her apathy. But the rest of the story shows that it isn't so.

VousEsEtonnant wrote:We arrived at the base of the mountain not twenty minutes later. So much for sleep. I hopped out of the truck and went to inspect the path. It was a bit rocky, but nothing seriously impairing, so I headed up with everyone else. A little boy next to me picked a little purple and yellow flower and gave it to me. I smiled and thanked him, for this child had no idea what was in store.

Children can sense emotions, even if it isn't apparent. If the people aorund him were tense, a small boy would have probably been silent, or crying. Truck trips up mountains isn't routine work for most children.

VousEsEtonnant wrote:We continued on, weighted with the truth. We were going to die, and that was that. Tears slid down my face, and I fell to my knees. Who could save us? nothing, no one. It was hopeless.

There. This doesn't go with previously mentioned apathy.

VousEsEtonnant wrote:I lunged for him, flinging him to saftey. His mother caught him and then looked to me and said, "Samantha, my husband killed your family and still you help me." The roar of the water increased, so she shouted, "I'm sorry it has to end like this!" Startled, I lost my footing, and began to fall.

Nobody - and I mean, nobody waits for drawn-out explanations like this. An anxious nod at best.

VousEsEtonnant wrote:I attempted to reach for it, but water seared down my throat. The water was no longer icy blue, it was fiery red. Burning my insides, making me one with the fire. I screamed water, I bled water. I was water, I would die water.

'Sear' is usually associated with heat. With the first two sentences I would assume that some toxin (perhaps an acid) had mixed with the water and had poisoned the MC. Floodwaters are usually extremely cold (directly from the sea).

On the whole I cannot say I liked it. It could use some more work. I've glossed over spelling and grammar, but those too need to be looked into.
Keep writing, though. Practice makes perfect.
- Alex

I very much enjoy peoples various renditions of "the apocalypse" and this was no exception. Overall I thought it was written very well, for a short story atleast..
The main problem for me was mainly the first half of the story. I know you were probably going for an abrubt feel to the end of the earth but I think it was a little to fast. Start with what you were watching on television, give the reader some more context to go by. Mabye even give your character some depth before it happens.

"The earthquake moments later answered our questions, and set our fear in stone." - Who is "our"?

Other than the beginning I really enjoyed your story. I liked how you incorporated relevant memories etc to give your character more depth. Next time you write try and give the reader some more detail, focus on the surroundings of your character bla bla rant rant.

Thanks for posting this, keep it up!

Hi Vee!

I liked it. For an apocalypse story, very conclusive! Bravo.

However, I wish you'd have put your MC's feelings into more detail. You just have your MC in some revelations, then a giant wave! I wish you would have drawn it out more, because this is good! I think you just need some editting. I wanna know how your MC feels, hearing the screams of the people, and the person on the TV. I want you to describe the setting, instead of jumping right into the destruction. As far as a short story goes, it's good, but it feels like you're trying to pack too much story into too little words.

Just work on that! (And I promise you a more in depth review on something else later. It's 11:30 pm and I'm exhausted.)

-BTM

Well, since a bunch of people have already written some pretty long reviews, I don't think I need to write a long, redundant review. Just thought I'd say that if you want to be as realistic as possible, you should make the message that the world is over more like a news report. I think that if I was going to tell everyone that the world was over, I would tell them myself instead of flashing red letters and ringing an alarm.(which would probably make people panic.) the TV report should probably be more like a reporter or scientist talking into a microphone announcing natural disasters occuring all over the world.

Of course, if you like the idea of a message resembling an April Fool's Day prank, you could keep it the way it is.

I personally like stories about what humans do when everything they know is gone. They're EPIC!

I think that you did a good job writing this. It has a very sad atmosphere on it. I love it, though.

Hey VousEsEtonnant!

I'm here as requested. I would have posted it sooner, but YWS suddenly stopped working on me and then it crashed and only saved the first part of my review, so I had to type it out again I can't remember everything I mentioned first time, so I'm sorry if it's a bit lame.

Now, I think I've only ever reviewed one other piece of work that's science fiction, so you're going to have to bear with me. It's not a genre that I usually read, but nevertheless, I'm going to try my best to review this for you!

I haven't read any of the other reviews, so forgive me if I repeat anything.

So - nit-piks first -

We were watching the newest episode of survivor, the people of the shelter and I.

I'd like to know more about who these people are. I know that they live in the shelter with your MC, but I'd like more background. Has your MC been at the shelter long? Are these people friends? You don't have to add in loads of information in an info-dump style paragraph, but I'd just like some more information on your MC's bacground.

Then the whole screen went black, then an alarm went off and red letters appeared, "The Earth has tilted off its axis! The apocalypse is upon us!"

I think this would flow better written like this -

'Then the whole screen went black. An alarm went off and red letters appeared, "The Earth has tilted off its axis! The apocalypse is upon us!"'

Weren't the Mayans just a bunch of loons?

I don't know if this is down to my lack of knowledge when it comes to science fiction, but I have no idea who the 'Mayans' are. I think you need to explain this clearly to the reader.

Bodies everywhere, dead or unconcious, I did not know.

The first comma would be better as a full stop.

people would

Capital 'P' on 'people'

He tried to warn people, but they thought he was nuts. Some time later, someone set the house on fire,

This needs to be in past tense -

'He had tried to warn people, but they'd thought he was nuts. Some time later, someone had set the house on fire,'

before we arrived at the mountain

We arrived at the base of the mountain

The bolded word in the quotes above are used in close succession and it's a bit repetitive. Try something like -

'We got to the base of the mountain'

Water bursted

'bursted' should be 'burst'

*

People glanced my way warily.

I think this piece is missing out on showing the emotions of the MC. A realistic and relatable character is one that expresses emotion and feelings, allowing the reader to relate and sympathise with the character. After all, emotions are what make us humans, humans. The quote above is a good example where I'd like to see how the MC is feeling. Sre they mad at people for staring? Do they ignore the stares? Feel sad?

I lost my footing, and began to fall.

Here too. Does your MC feel panic? Angry? Are they scared?

I noticed you rend to place a comma before 'and'. This isn't really necessary and mainly disrupts the flow of the piece.

Also, you have missed out on using capitals at the start of some sentences -

my vision blurred

nothing, no one

I mentioned some in the above nit-piks but I didn't quote them all as I didn't want to repeat myself. You can avoid this by proof-reading your work before posting it on YWS

I do think this story has potential and once you've patched it up, I think it'll be great

I thought the ending was really sad and I liked your descriptions in the last paragraph.

I hope this review helps!

xDudettex

Hi there!

I put this on my reading list a while ago and since it's Review Day, I thought I'd come and review it finally. ^_^ Is this for Alpha Bunny's contest? I'm not going to do any nit-picky stuff because everyone else seems to have covered it, but can I suggest that you read this out loud or have someone read it out loud to you? That usually helps me find the parts that are awkwardly phrased better than just reading it.

All in all, I think this has potential. You did a good job portraying emotions of despair and loss, and I really like the way you hinted at the character's backstory without info-dumping. It feels like it could be a scene out of a novel or something. It feels like it's a glimpse of a person's real life, and there is much more to her that isn't included in the story. I like that because it makes her feel realistic--a real person doesn't fit into a few hundred words. I also love the end. The fact that she died saving the son of the person who killed her family is very powerful, and that last paragraph is beautifully written.

I have to admit: I'm a little confused about the actual plot. I don't think this is one of those stories where it's necessary to understand everything that goes on in complete detail, but I didn't really follow the narrative of this until the scene on the mountain. Up until then it seemed sort of like it was just a bunch of descriptions of different things that were only loosely related. The first scene, with the TV... was that a flashback? Is there some sudden leap in time after that or not? For some reason, I feel like there is, but I'm not really sure. You say that her family has been dead for years, but does that mean that that first scene was years ago? Was that first scene when her family died? I'm a bit confused about this.

Also, I'm not sure this should be in past tense. I mean, if you have something in first person past tense, then that implies that the narrator survived to tell the tale... saying "I died" just doesn't make sense. I think this piece would work a lot better if you switched it to present tense, personally. That would also clear up the confusion about what happened when because flashbacks could be in past tense and non-flashbacks could be in present.

All in all, though, I did like this. I'm sorry if this review sounds harsh--I'm just a little confused, but I think this has a lot of potential.

I hope this helps! Please PM me or write on my wall if you want me to clarify anything.

a

Very good, very touching, very emotional. This is a good piece and you should be proud of that, but the art when the character starts to panic all comes too quick for me... Perhaps you should add some pauses with commas, short sentences and stuff. Just to get the full emotion and full blow of the story. Very good. x

Evening.

There are plenty of things wrong with this piece, and I'd like to start at the beginning (where else?). Your hook is laughable. I say this with no sarcasm whatsoever. I burst into laughter when I read it. Tilted off its axis? Really? What happened to the laws of physics, if I might ask? Something this tremendous must have had some degree of warning. Suspension of disbelief can only be stretched so far before it breaks. The premise is absurd; however, I'll humor you and ignore my screaming brain.

I'm not the best at science, and heaven knows why I'm wandering about in this forum, but understand that the earth will not simply tilt off its axis, then cause an earthquake. If anything, the earthquake would come first.

The third paragraph is the nail on the coffin's lid. Terrible is an understatement. Watch videos of the earthquake in Japan and tell me if you could still walk while all that happened. Didn't care? And she even had the sense to grab a radio? This is a remarkable person if there ever was one.

This piece is almost offensive in its sheer lack of understanding. Please, for your own sake, do some research before charging headfirst into a topic you obviously know nothing about. And if you won't do it for your own sake, do it for mine, and for the rest of the readers'.

My Lord. No crying? Just a, "Go tell your father to report to the station."? No panic? No shock? It seems their biggest problem is not the earthquake, but the fact that someone had stolen all their emotions from them. Now there's something. There ought to be mountains more drama and emotions in here. Instead, I find myself reading a trite string of words glued together by senselessness.

Everyone is simply calmly walking to an evacuation plan? Who in bloody hell came up with this evacuation plan anyway, and why didn't he warn anybody this was coming? Even better question: why is the radio working? Who's broadcasting the news when the world experienced disasters?

Everything is happening so quickly it seems as if the world simply said: "Peachy. Oh well, let's just get along with life."

Look at Japan. Now imagine it happened to the entire world at once, which is what you're telling me in this piece. Japan needs help, but if the world falls down, who'll be there to pick it up? Aliens? Don't insult your reader's intelligence, please. Give us more credit than that.

The ending burned the entire thing to the ground. It doesn't get any cornier than that, I'm afraid. What a heroic sacrifice. I don't even understand the main character's train of thought, if she can eve be counted as a character. Where is her personality? She's a robot, if anything. Even then, not a very smart or interesting one.

I'm amazed at how much emotion you were able to strip away from the premise. The premise itself held so much emotion, conflict, drama, tension - and you managed to throw them all away. Remember: you don't want a sloppy, angsty mess on your hands, but a dry story is even worse. I should have felt at least a twinge somewhere inside me, given the premise. And maybe I did feel a twinge - unfortunately, it was one of disbelief, and not disbelief at the events. No, heaven forbid. It's disbelief at the sheer lack of understanding you displayed here.

You told me there was chaos, screaming, and crying in the story. Show me. I won't believe you until you show me.