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Wed Jun 16, 2010 1:04 am
Shaundeman says...



Through the starless sky
A short story.

Dark skies covered the Capital city of New Washington. Pure black, the only light came from the city, the lights stretched toward the sky but never really made it. Most people would find the black sky eerie or it would be interpreted as an omen of bad luck, but not in these days. The moon and stars were things of legend, stories told by old men. Not a living soul had ever witness the twinkling dots, or the spotlight of the moon. Every night that came across the sky was pitch-black and no amount of light from the city seemed to give the sky any illumination. The only time light graced the sky was during the day when the fire ball called the sun came through the sky. The inhabitants of New Washington and the surrounding villages called the holy light the sun because the old men of the town called it that, no one had a reason to call it that, as far as they knew it could be a bright planet not the fire that the old cooks claimed it to be. People were starting to believe that it could be obtained, that it was the paradise many spoke of. That is what started the insanity.
The Government that ran New Washington and the surrounding villages had heard about this paradise, the politicians wanted it for themselves because that is what corrupt politicians do, take everything for themselves. They figured it would make a nice retirement home after they were done torturing the people under their tyranny. So naturally they gathered the best scientist and the best computer engineers, they brought the greatest minds of the generation together and told them to build. The Government wanted a space ship. The people of the planet Earth had never dreamed of such a thing. Space travel could never be obtained. For all they knew the constant starless sky was a black void that led to endless nothing. Still despite scientist warnings the Government enslaved all of them and locked them away until their vision was complete. Jonathan Webster was one of those people.
Jon as he preferred to be called was a computer engineer; he and his good friend Greg Shivley were assigned to the team. They were given a weeks notice to pack up and say there goodbyes before they were whisked away. It was a miserable life, but then again everything in this time was miserable. Jon simply had never known many pleasures, and he never expected to know them. His entire life was spent working; everyone’s lives were spent with the nose to the grind stone. Jon simple lost his sense to care any longer. Working was the only life he knew, constantly working underneath the starless sky.
“Nice of you to show up for work today,” Greg commented as he walked up to Jon’s right side. “Wait a minute, you show up to work everyday.” Greg said sarcastically.
“If you’re mocking me you had better take a look in the mirror to see you’re sorry over worked carcass.” Jon replied. Jon and Greg both lived in an apartment that all the working government scientists did. Since they shared the computer engineering job with only two other people they didn’t get a building of their own. The other two computer engineers were in the mechanical engineering building. Jon was sporting his usual business suit today, he did own other clothing he just preferred business, Greg was in jean type pants and a blue button up, he was wearing a baseball cap even though such a sport didn’t exist any longer the name was retained. They were both in their mid-forties and had a small family of their own. Jon had two kids a boy and a girl. Greg had one child, his daughter was almost college age, she was hardly ever home. Even though she didn’t show it she did love her parents.
As they approached their work station a politician stopped them. This was a particularly nasty man; he was the Vice President and manager of all Government projects. He enjoyed cruelty of all kinds to all people except himself. So seeing this man did not brighten Jon’s day. Jon tried to be polite.
“Good morning sir.” The V.P. just glared at him.
“Is it ready yet?” He demanded.
“Listen man you can’t rush scientist and you certainly can’t rush the computer geeks. If we rush you end up with mistakes that could get the passengers killed” Greg stepped in to save Jon.
“I’m getting good to go reports from the mechanicals engineers, the scientist say they only have a few more days of tests and you say don’t rush you! The Government is pouring money into this small endeavor, if it last much longer the President will have to shut it down and you will not get the promised price for your work.” The V.P. pushed between them and walked away swiftly. Jon thought to himself the simple words we had a promised price? After starring in the direction the V.P. had walked they quickly entered the computer lab, the two other computer engineers waited for them. Both of the engineers were relatively new to the business world, Harold Miller was a man in his twenties that had yet to be married due to his career, he was picked because of his fresh brain. Josh Campbell was the other misfit on the team; he was in his late twenties and was married with no children. They both greeted the “ancient ones” as they walked in.
“So how’s this endless torment going for you today?” Harold cheerfully asked.
“Quite well except the fact our beloved friend Mr. Vice President Collins is ramming a gun down our throats.” Greg replied.
“Don’t be so up tight about this kind of thing, it will all work out.” Josh assured.
“Not if butcher back there executes one of us as an example to the people.” Jon reminded him.
“Psh he needs all of us, he wouldn’t dare do that.” Josh replied with a careless wave of his arm. “Anyway the plan is already in order. If we show results we have been promised a visit to our families correct.” Josh asked.
“Yes Josh we know the plan.” Jon said.
“Aw but you haven’t seen my finished product.” Josh whipped out a computer chip. In four days the scientist will be done with their tests. We show this for our work. Most of the major systems will be completed. The life support won’t be. We will tell them we need three more days. They of course will greedily latch on to the dead line.”
“We know you have told us this part before.” Greg insisted. Josh, however, was too excited to stop.
“And finally after we get the day with our families we notify them to meet us just outside the compound the night of the second day. We sneak them into the compound get into the ship add this sucker to the computer chip,” Josh held up a small box. “and the life support will work. We take off with our families and find a better place to live; anywhere has to be better than here.”
“The only problem is what would happen if we fail.” Jon said glumly. The room became silent.
***
Once again after a long day of doing nothing Jon was returning to the computer lab to scheme about their big plans. He was unfortunately stopped by the V.P again.
“What have you got to show for yourself?” He asked with a sneer.
“We are currently auto fitting a computer chip with all of the necessary systems. You see we have to take the raw data the scientist give us, the dimensions the mechanical engineers give us, and the amount of energy applicable, and then condense the entire thing into one long strand of code, it is a grueling process and all we need is a few days of not being bothered.” Jon walked past the Vice President and closed the door behind him. Josh had been watching from inside the room.
“What did you tell him; please tell me you didn’t spill the beans.” Josh had a puppy dog face on begging for it not to be true.
“Why would I spill the beans, I just told him something to keep him quite, actually it was the biggest gibberish of the year.” Jon replied.
“What did you say?” Josh asked. Jon repeated it, both of the men laughed at the absurdity of it the whole way through.
***
Finally the tests were finished and the scientists were eagerly waiting for the computer control system software. Josh smiled as he gave the chip to the Vice President. In return Josh received a nod of approval. They were granted their day with their families. Jon quickly headed for home. It was early in the morning when he entered the home only the sound of bacon crackly on the stove was heard. The smell hit him next, oh the sweet smell of home. A few seconds later Jon could hear low humming from the kitchen. He snuck up on his wife who was making breakfast for the kids before they went to school. Jon put his hands over her face. She yelped.
“Who is it?” He asked.
“Jon?” She said quizzically. Jon released his grip she turned and embraced him. The two kids came running out of their rooms.
“DAD!” they screamed. The kids barreled him over.
“It’s nice to see you too, but I don’t think the floor is the best place to say hello.” Jon quickly stood up and gave his kids a proper hug. “I could just stare at you both for the next day if I didn’t have something important to tell you all.”
“Can it wait the kids need to go to school.” Jon’s wife replied.
“No it can’t, and the kids won’t need to go to school.” The kids gave each other a high five. “We are leaving this place.” Jon said without adding any suspense.
“What, no one leaves the protection of the Government you know that.” Jon’s wife replied.
“Lillian, this is no time to argue, tomorrow night I need you to meet me just outside of the Government compound I’m staying at. We are going to take the space ship and we are going to leave this planet.” Jon announced the plan.
“What, leave the planet, we have no where to go, not out in the black void. Space is endless, and from what we can tell there is nothing out there.” Lillian pleaded.
“The decision is made, we leave tomorrow night. There is nothing for us here, you know that. Don’t make this difficult.” Lillian nodded, she knew that this place was not a suitable place to raise children, perhaps a new planet could be found, perhaps the sun was an oasis, no one knew. Jon continued to spend the rest of the day with his family not mentioning their plan again.
***
“Greg you awake?” Jon asked entering Greg’s room late at night.
“Of course I’m awake.” Greg replied.
“We have to go if we are to meet up with Josh and Harold before we leave.” Greg quickly got out of bed. They were as quiet as possible going down the hall. They quickly disarmed the alarm system and opened the door. They saw a guard walking in the other direction. As they walked out into the pitch black they saw Josh leave the other building. They quickly ran over to him.
“Where is Harold?” Greg asked.
“I thought he was already outside.” Josh replied thoroughly confused.
“Never mind that, we’ll come back for him, if he’s not here when we get back it’s his fault he didn’t show.” Greg said in reply.
“Let’s get our families.” Jon said eager to be by his wife’s side. They quickly came to the chain link fence and pulled out wire cutters. The base was offering just enough light it see the wall. After breaking through the fence they went in search of their families. Greg’s wife and daughter were the first to show, next Jon’s family came, Josh’s wife was the last to be there. She had two large suitcases. After a short quiet argument she left one behind. They quickly got back through the fence, and staying as quiet as they could they snuck back into the building and made a beeline for the ship. Jon opened the door leading to the courtyard the ship was being built in. They scrambled toward the ship. The door was wide open. A scientist walked out and saw the group. He was about to yell when Greg threw something at him. The large ball hit him in the head rendering him unconscious. Greg retrieved the object; Jon didn’t recognize the round object with red stitching around it. Not knowing its purpose Jon didn’t think much of it. After hiding the scientists body Josh ran up to the control tower. Jon’s family was placed in the living quarters, Greg and his family was put in the common area, Josh and his wife were put in the cockpit. Not knowing where Harold was they accepted his lose and were ready to leave. Josh attached the last crucial system to the computer chip and started up the engines, the rumble was low at first but as it started to grow the building came to life. Jon was making last minutes check outside of the ship when the engines started. He was about to get in the ship when a voice sounded behind him.
“Stop!” The cold voice yelled. The Vice President was pointing a gun at Jon. Jon quickly jumped toward a pile crates filled with supplies. The gun discharged and Jon landed on a not yet filled crate. The crate broke under his weight. He lay perfectly still feeling dead. The Vice President approached. Jon didn’t move. Vice President Collins smiled believing he had shot Jon, when the V.P. stood over Jon, Jon tripped him sending him crashing to the ground. Reacting first Jon kicked the gun away. Collins stumbled toward the weapon then stood up. Collins threw a punch at Jon, Jon duck and rammed Collins into the side of the ship. Collins got winded and slumped down. As Jon pulled away Collins kicked Jon’s stomach throwing him into the bunch of crates. The crates broke spilling their contents everywhere. As Collins came to attack, Jon looked for a weapon. The first thing he saw was a syringe. Just before Collins struck Jon lurched forward and stuck the syringe into Collins stomach then pushed the contents into his system. Collins fell over and immediately relaxed into a deep sleep. Jon looked at the crate it came from. It had sedative written across the side. The Vice President would live, but Jon didn’t care he just jumped into the ship. As he was running up the ramp another voice came form behind.
“Wait for me!” Jon turned to see Harold holding a pile of computers and other technological items.
“Hurry up, we’re about to leave!” Jon yelled. By this time the entire base was awake. The sound of stomping feet rang louder than the engines. Harold was almost to the ship. Jon reached out his hand to pull Harold in. Harold held out his hand but fell just before he made it. A security guard placed Harold’s death right between the shoulder blades. The pile of software came from Harold’s hand as he crashed to the ground. More bullets whizzed by. Jon jumped out of their trail. He quickly lifted the ramp and ran to the control room.
“I’m guessing those thumping noises aren’t angry scientist banging the walls.” Greg commented as Jon ran by. “Thought not” He said to himself. Jon grabbed Josh’s shoulder as he entered the control room.
“Get us out of here.” Jon urged.
“All over it” Josh replied. The ship lifted off of the ground.
“We need more juice.” Jon said thinking out loud.
“Its coming” Josh assured. The ship suddenly rocketed from the ground zipping into the air leaving the small base behind. The constant thumping stopped and only the rumbling of engine came to the ears of the ship. Vice President Collins was left fried by the engines.
“Did we make it?” Greg asked from behind.
“Not yet we haven’t left the atmosphere.” Josh replied. “Did Harold never make it?”
“No, he was subdued.” Jon replied. Silence from the passengers followed. The short silence was broken by Josh’s wife.
“Uh what is this flashing?” She wondered.
“That is a warning if objects are approaching.” Josh said casually. He looked away then looked back. Two dots were hot on their tail.
“I’m guessing those are not good news.” Jon said a little unnerved.
“Those are jets.” Josh replied.
“How do we take care of them?” Jon asked.
“There is a small gun in case of meteors.” Josh suggested as a defense. Jon ran toward the area Josh pointed to. Jon hopped into the turret. The screen showed a more detailed outline of the ships. Jon quickly pointed the gun at the closest one and started shooting. Probably due to surprise it didn’t evade and was shot down. The second one started shooting. Sparks flew from the area around the turret. Jon was thrown from the seat.
“Jon turn that turret around and start shooting up.” Greg yelled.
“Why?” Jon asked form the ground.
“We have a slight obstruction in the way.” Greg replied.
“Like what?” Jon asked.
“A wall, a wall is in our way.” Greg yelled. Jon jumped into the turret turned it around and started shooting. The sound of cracking split everyone’s ears. The ship ran into the wall at full speed. Jon was once again thrown from the turret seat. The ship landed with a thud and Jon blacked out.
***
“Daddy are you okay?” Jon’s son was shaking Jon. Jon woke up.
“Where are we?” Jon asked.
“The funny man outside can tell you, he said he wanted everyone to be present so that he doesn’t explain it twice.” Jon thought he was dreaming. He still followed his son outside of the ship. He stood on solid ground, the sun was shining but the light was different than Jon had remembered ever seeing. It was brighter outside. A man dressed in jeans, a button up shirt and glasses was smiling broadly.
“Alright where are we?” Jon asked getting down to business.
“I still don’t understand how you don’t know, this is Earth.” The man replied.
“Earth, what how, we just came from Earth.” Jon was sure he was dreaming.
“I’ll tell you what I know. I was studying the geology of this particular area and last night I heard a rumbling nearby. When I found the source of the rumbling your ship broke through the Earth’s crust and crash landed. The part of the hill side there collapsed covering the hole.” The strange man pointed to a collapsed wall of Earth. Jon looked at it; despite the evidence he couldn’t accept that he had lived under the surface of the Earth his entire life. While he was thinking the sun was slowly going down. All of the passengers of the ship weren’t paying attention to the bright globe called the sun. Finally when the wind got chill they awoke form their reverie. Jon looked up and saw the night sky. First he saw the brightness of the full moon, and next came the miracle of a star covered sky.
peace be the journey
  





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Wed Jun 16, 2010 10:38 am
napalmerski says...



Yo, Shaundeman - nice, fable-like story. Nice twist-ending too, I love short stories with twist endings. 95% of the stuff is left unresolved - but hey, I like it that way. Also cute details here and there, like the wife taking too many suitcases with her, etc.
Now, I don't generally review grammar, plot and characters, I do give some broad structural opinions and pointers.

Most people would find the black sky eerie or it would be interpreted as an omen of bad luck, but not in these days
- here, you end with 'these days', as opposed to 'most people'. I suggest that it should be opposed to 'in the past'.

The only time light graced the sky was during the day when the fire ball called the sun came through the sky - something should be done with the fireball coming through the sky, doesn't sound right. But if you mean exactly that, then add a description of the phenomenon.

They figured it would make a nice retirement home after they were done torturing the people under their tyranny
- hihi, that's a bit too much. You introduce them as incompetent, corrupt people, that's enough, the torture and tyranny is a bit too much, begins sounding naive, unless you insert various examples of tyranny and torture. I say just leave them corrupt and selfish.

Still despite scientist warnings the Government enslaved all of them and locked them away until their vision was complete. - here too, 'enslaved' is a word not fit for the world you describe. 'Pulled away from other projects and put them to work on making their vision become reality' or something.

Jon simple lost his sense to care any longer
- My name is Simple. John Simple. Bang-bang! /blood flows over the camera/ ta da tadaa-ta da daam... hihi

Harold Miller was a man in his twenties that had yet to be married due to his career, he was picked because of his fresh brain. - this is an example of a sentence which should be divided into two such in order to work

“What did you tell him; please tell me you didn’t spill the beans.” Josh had a puppy dog face on begging for it not to be true. - why in the world would he think the other guy spilled the beans? Is he a paranoiac? There were no hints or signs that he could spill the beans. Maybe he should just ask him what they talked about?

Bacon?! You dare call this tyranny over poverty stricken people? They have bacon?!?! Hahaha. Nay, either let it be crummy sausages, or spell out that the bacon is a status thing which they have because they work for the big boys.

The conversation between Jon and Lily is twice smaller than it should be. You gotta add some real surprise from the wife's side, then gradual acceptance. Kids being told to no tell this to anyone, etc.

Break up the action sequences into smaller paragraphs! That way you too will see more easily when and why sentences are awkward.

The sound of stomping feet rang louder than the engines - I don't believe you:)

Anyway, nice story, write many more! You have talent, develop it.
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness.
Robert Howard
  





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Mon Jun 21, 2010 10:55 pm
Kale says...



There were a lot of grammar mistakes, too many for me to point out, especially with the punctuation. A lot of the sentences were run-ons, and you had they're/their/their and your/you're mixed up. I suggest you go through and proofread this more carefully since these are basic mistakes that don't give a good impression of your writing ability.

Another thing that struck me about the writing that it was all tell and practically no show, and all the sentences were structured the same. Everything about the characters is an informed attribute. Everyone's dialogue sounds the same. It gave the story a very simplistic and plodding feel. In addition, it didn't help that you oversimplified the politics or that only selective things about the past had been forgotten en masse. Are there no records of the past? How else could there be computer engineers and rocket scientists? How are the people then speaking, presumably, unaltered English? These things kept yanking me out of the story, so I wasn't able to enjoy it.

I suggest taking the time to describe things about your character, such as how they smile as they say a particular thing, or if there's a particular mannerism that shows up often. Also, work on your dialogue; right now, the characters don't speak like real people, and they all sound alike. Listen to other people and how they speak, paying attention to how they say things or what parts they emphasize. Varying your sentence structure is another good idea since it will keep your story from feeling like it's plodding along.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR
  





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Sun Jun 27, 2010 6:04 pm
Nate says...



Interesting plot ending; very Twilight Zone esque.

However, at the moment, the story needs a lot of polishing. As Kyllorac pointed out, there are a lot grammar mistakes. And as napalmerski pointed out, there are a lot of awkward sentences. Yet, the story is still strong enough to stay up on its own. You just need to keep working at it.

What I suggest is going through this with a red pen and cross out anything that even seems remotely redundant; my guess is that you could easily cut this story in half. After that, pay attention to your early descriptions of New Washington. From the initial descriptions, it sounded like a medieval society, but that turned out not to be the case. Also, why would anyone believe that a huge thing that is very hot could have a resort on it? It'd make more sense if instead they thought of the sky as an ocean; kind of like what the ancient Hebrews believed. You could turn this into a story of trying to reach heaven, which would be very interesting and make more sense from the start.

But like I said, I like what you've done with this piece. Keep working at it.
  





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Sun Jul 25, 2010 2:51 am
Prosithion says...



Ok, first off, there were a lot of grammar mistakes, as others have pointed out. You need to read voerthis stuff more precisely. Mostly they were problems with punctuation, but there were a few spelling and other grammar mistakes.

While I liked the plot, especially the ending, the story was very rushed. I couldn't get a good feel for the characters, because everything went so fast. Try slowing down and describing more, making more character interactions, etc.

If they're underground and they can't see the moon or stars, why can they see the sun? Also, why don't the dudes in the jets and stuff realize that there is rock over their heads?

Along this same line of thinking, some of the details seemed unbelievable.

My main problem was the rushing, and the grammar mistakes. This story needs a lot of work, but it does have potential.

So, to sum up:

1)You need to check your work for grammatical errors better.
2) You need more descriptions, and more character development.
3) You need to slow the story down, and describe more. The reader should be able to feel, see, hear, smell, etc. exactly what is going on.
4) You need to work on some of the details, and make them more believable.

there was also a lot left out of the story. It left the reader hanging. Why is Earth like that? Why are the politicians bastards? Why is the vice president the only one in the area to stop them, and why does he have a gun. These are the type of details I'm talking about, and they detract from the overall feel of the story.
"wub wub wub wub. Now Zoidberg is the popular one."

"Computer... Captain's musk"
  





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Tue Jul 27, 2010 3:57 pm
Shaundeman says...



FOR ANY, AND ALL WHO READ THIS. I MUST APPOLOGIZE, I ACCIDENTALLY POSTED MY UNEDITED VERSION OF THIS PIECE. I REALIZED IT TOO LATE. WITH YOUR COMMENTS, HOWEVER, I PLAN ON EXPANDING THE STORY AND REPOSTING IT LATER. THANKS FOR ALL YOUR COMMENTS, AND KEEP GIVING ME POINTERS. I'M RELATIVELY NEW TO THIS PROCESS.
peace be the journey
  





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Sat Jul 31, 2010 9:58 pm
Stori says...



It generally isn't polite to us all capital letters.

“I’m getting good to go reports from the mechanical engineers, the scientists
  





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Wed Aug 11, 2010 6:26 pm
SkillfulAmerica says...



It was entertaining. It does make you think. Hoping for more and look forward to reading it.
"You can't only be a Patriot on a good day."
  








fun fact i hear my evil twin once wrote a story about a hacker who used the name fyshi33k bc there are 33k-ish species of fish and she liked phishing so fyshi-33k made sense but then she got super embarrassed when someone forced her to explain
— VyperShadow