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The Heavy Weight of The Grass



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Fri Jun 04, 2010 3:59 pm
Rivercool99 says...



The Heavy Weight of the Grass
By River Shields

My name is Number One, which is because I am the first; I am the first and the only one. No one knows about me besides the makers of the Serum. I am not supposed to be known about for if I was I would be immediately terminated. The year is 3120 in the midst of World War Five. The last World War was won by America. To get a long story short we threatened Russia and China with nuclear weapons; we said that we would fire the missiles and if the two countries surrendered we would terminate the missiles in midair. Our country had no interest in firing nuclear missiles so they shot off missiles that in all senses would look and act like a nuclear missiles. Midair Russia and China surrendered and we blew up the fake missile and we had won. But this world war is a different story completely. America is in a losing battle everywhere. But enough with the history lesson.

Many years ago before the Fifth World War scientists were in their lab coats experimenting with the Serum. The Serum is a chemical that is supposed to boost a persons muscle strength, running speed, thinking ability, balance, swimming abilities, you name it its in the serum. Once the Serum was finished they tested it on living people, most of these people lived around 12 hours before every muscle in their body got so big that their body just couldn’t handle it and they exploded. I have heard of this type of thing happening in the year 2007, a man named Greg Valentino he took steroids, the original and completely unsafe version of the Serum. It took around two more years for the scientists to develop me; they figured that if my body could develop with my muscles I could handle it. So the solution was to inject me with the Serum before I was born the scientists decided it was 50/50 for my survival. They wanted to inject a pregnant human but they knew that it would be impossible to inject the baby without injecting, and killing the mother first.

The government already knew how to clone and although it was illegal they were powerful enough to do it anyways after little thought they decided to clone me. They took DNA from every American Olympics team member and started to mix it all together. From then on I felt as though these athletes were part of me, I was honored to have a part of every great athlete inside of me pushing me to do greater things. 9 months later I was ready to be born, the scientists merely opened up the top of the artificial womb and pulled me out as if I was a fish being taken out of an aquarium. Now here I am 14 years later training for the Olympics. The Olympics is the reason I am here, the reason I have been training all these years, the reason for all the scientists hard work. America has to gain its international relations back especially during this World War. The government decided the best way to do that was to win the Olympics, that’s why they designed me. I am the strongest, the smartest, and the fastest person that ever existed on this Earth.

Today is the first day of the Olympics; the walk of nations is a nervous and sad event, for all players know that there is a different battle between them then just the battle of baseball. After all of the ceremonial events are completed we get a good nights sleep. We wake up bright and early tomorrow morning and begin the sports. I win everything with ease, vaulting, Archery, Swimming, Diving they all go down without me even having to catch my breath. My muscles and mind have been designed to never feel tired. My favorite sport was diving, the magical feeling of air passing along my body and then suddenly, abruptly, I felt not air but water. They day wore on slowly I felt no pity for the other players and I regretted the games where I had to purposely lose to make the other teams think that I was not a cheating clone but just a incredible athlete. I looked up at the scientists who had raised me who had been my parents and my friends through my whole life. I happily completed the last game of the day before finally retiring. I have already won 6 gold medals and am going for a seventh. This same routine goes on every day for three days I have one 15 gold medals by myself.

On the fourth day we have another vaulting match, I pick the longest vaulting stick I can find, knowing that I could easily clear over the stand. All my other competitors barely make it. I smile to the crowd, take my run, push up into the air, when I feel something strange at the top most height of my pole I lose something its as if the strength inside of my has gone away and I just can’t push the pole the right way. I feel the pole falling out from under me. I am in the air flailing as I fall to the ground. I hit the grass hard losing my breath. The medics attend to me and find that I am not seriously hurt, no big surprise I was designed to be indestructible. But still as I stood on that stand wearing a bronze metal something in side of me was destroyed. I jumped off the stand into the field and feeling frustrated grabbed a handful of grass. I looked into the audience and saw the scientists that had raised me looking down at me disapprovingly. I sighed and walked off the field heading toward the players rooms. I was walking down the corridor when I felt something incredibly heavy in my hand. Surprised I dropped it immediately. I watched in horror as a handful of grass floated to the ground. I stood astonished for a moment before trying to pick up the grass. I stood struggling as I felt the heavy weight of the grass in my hand.

I dropped the grass again, this had to be some trick, something a tired bodies' mind would make up to make you feel more tired than you actually are. I hurried to my room and struggling slid my entry card into my hotel door the weight of the card seemed impossible to carry but somehow I made it into my room. I ran to the bathroom and tried to lift the handle on the faucet but I couldn’t. Weeping I ran to my bed and lay on it. With my last amount of strength I lifted the TV remote and switched on some low budget soap opera. I turned it on loud trying to drain out the terrible feeling I had in my gut. I fell asleep saying to myself, “It will all be better tomorrow, it will all be better tomorrow”.

When I woke up I was being held down by cement, I panicked thinking that I was kidnapped and in a strange prison. But then tilting my head forward I saw that all that was holding me down was my sheets. I was so weak I couldn’t even lift my sheets. Tying hard I rolled over and over again until I fell off the bed onto the floor. Luckily I turned in midair and landed sitting down otherwise I would have never gotten up. I stood up, my legs felt like they were breaking under the weight of my body. I walked shakily over to my mirror and tried to make a muscle with my fist, I saw nothing. Then I noticed something strange, I thought I saw a small bald spot in my hair. I ran my fingers through my hair trying to find it, and watched in horror as every hair on my head came raining down. I let out I high-pitched scream and fell to the floor, a minute later some medics came running into my room. Happy t o know someone could take care of me I closed my eyes and everything went black.

I woke up on a stretcher flying through whitewashed corridors. I glanced to my side and saw my reflection in a window. I looked sad, shriveled, and dying, I wanted to cry but it took too much out of me. I was rushed into a hospital room where doctors and scientists conversed over me. I was too weak and brain dead to here all the were saying but I heard some words: “Aftereffects...Serum...No...Yes... No Idea”, “Number 2’s...process...completed...soon”. As I died I thought in horror that I was not the only one. The government had made more of me. I was only the first.
Last edited by Rivercool99 on Sat Jun 05, 2010 3:41 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Fri Jun 04, 2010 6:45 pm
silentpages says...



Some punctuation errors - proofreading = <3 <3 <3

'I am not supposed to be known about for if I was I would be immediately terminated.' The first part of this sounds just a little odd... To help the flow, I would change it to, "No one is supposed to know about me, for if I become known I would be immediately terminated." Or something like that...

'Our country had no interest in firing nuclear missiles so they shot off missiles that in all senses would look and act like a nuclear missiles' If they ACT like nuclear missiles... Does that mean it would do the same kind of damage? In which case, why not just fire the nuclear missiles? Also, don't Russia and China have nuclear weapons, too? Seems like they'd try to retaliate...

'before every muscle in their body got so big that their body just couldn’t handle it and they exploded.' Um... Kay? Your history and science lessons seem a little... Well, I don't think some research could hurt you any. XD

'The government already knew how to clone and although it was illegal they decided to clone me.' The whole government is just going to ignore their own laws? This is a little unrealistic. Maybe a small group of radical government people decide to do it without the knowledge of everyone else? Also, right now clones need to be implanted in an actual mother because scientists haven't figured out to develop an artificial placenta, right? I assume that's why this takes place so far in the future - to give them time to figure it out?

'Today is the first day of the Olympics; the walk of nations is a nervous and sad event, for all players know that there is a different battle between them then just the battle of baseball. After all of the ceremonial events are completed we get a good nights sleep. We wake up bright and early tomorrow morning and begin the sports. I win everything with ease, vaulting, Archery, Swimming, Diving they all go down without me even having to catch my breath. I have already won 6 gold medals and am going for a seventh. This same routine goes on every day for three days I have one 15 gold medals by myself.'
Not a whole lot of detail in this... Which I guess is okay, since it's a lot to cover, but... Still. Seems... Seems like I'm missing something? :\ Seems... Too easy for her. Does she struggle at all. Do the other countries think it's weird that she's in ALL the events, and she's winning ALL of them? Seems like being (rightly) accused of cheating would hurt America's foreign relations, wouldn't it?

'when I feel something strange at the top most height of my pole I lose something its as if a buzzing inside of my has gone away and I just can’t push the pole the right way. I feel the pole falling out from under me.' This is a little confusing to me, especially the first part. 'As if a buzzing inside of my has gone away'? :\

Also, if she falls, would she really still get bronze? The olympics is a tough competition, and I assume that she'd get beat out and not even place if she falls.

I like how the grass suddenly feels heavy. ;) Nice.

'I dropped the grass again, this had to be some trick, something a tired bodies mind would make up to get you to bed earlier' This is phrased a bit weirdly. I think I understand what you mean, but it feels like an odd way to word it. First, before you said that she wasn't tired at all. If she's thinking her mind is telling her to get some rest, give us some context clues that she needs some rest earlier.

The way you describe it, it seems like her weakness is only when she's dealing with external things. She can't lift the sheets, but she's still able to roll her entire body off the bed and then even stand. If she's too weak to lift the sheets, it seems like she wouldn't be able to lift any part of her body at all.

Nice ending. ^^ Great twist.

This is an interesting story, and I really like the premise. However, I think you need to think about the war, the Serum, and the Olympics thing a little more. Work on your plot development a little more. Also, I don't think I got a very good sense of the main character's personality.

'I smile to the crowd,' This makes me think that she's confident. She likes to be able to do things. She likes to win. But I don't know much more about her than that. How does she feel about the circumstances of her birth? Does she want to be a normal kid, or does she like the idea of being a national hero someday? How do the other athletes react to her, and how does she react to them? Does she get along with the scientists? Do they treat her just as a tool, or as a person? Has she ever worried about what the Serum did to her? Has she ever worried that it will fail someday and kill her? Does she feel strange, never having had an actual mother? Are the Olympic athletes whose DNA she shares still alive, and does she think of them as her family? How do athletes who MIGHT have participated in the Olympics if it weren't for her feel about being left out? Has she grown up in a relatively normal setting, or has she been locked away in a training facility with only scientists for company her whole life? If the latter is true, how does she feel about having millions of eyes suddenly focused on her? Is she scared, or does she lose her focus when she's in the public eye?

As you can see, there are a lot of questions left unanswered. I'm not saying you have to address all of these in the short story - a lot of them aren't even that relevent. I'm just saying, there must be more to this character than being the best athlete ever, but I'm not sure exactly what it would be.

There are a lot of different ways you could go with this story, and I think it has a lot of potential. PM me if you post any changes. ;)
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  





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Sun Jun 13, 2010 4:58 am
lilymoore says...



Hiya, River!

So, right now, you have a very interesting idea set up. The first super human. But you tell here more than you show. And that’s a big no-no when you write. Follow this link for some more details.

But what this really means is that you need to draw this out more. Add detail. Detail is what all readers want. They want to read descriptions and dialogue. Dialogue is one of the major things you need to add. There isn’t anything more than a little work that this piece needs and it will be super amazing. You have no idea. Because once you start to add details, you start to learn more about your characters than you’d ever have thought you’d get to know.

Writing is a learning experience.

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.
  





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Sun Jun 13, 2010 3:34 pm
seeminglymeaningless says...



Hey. I generally comment as I read, so if some of my comments cancel each other out. . . well yeah. Comments in red, repetition in green. Onwards.

Rivercool99 wrote:The Heavy Weight of the Grass
By River Shields

My name is Number One, which is because I am the first; I am the first and the only one. No one knows about me besides the makers of the Serum. I am not supposed to be known about for if I was I would be immediately terminated Awkward wording. Perhaps, "I would be immediately terminated if anyone found out about me." would flow better.. The year is 3120 in the midst of World War Five Again, awkward wording.. The last World War was won by America. To get a long story short Not needed. Simply the following would suffice. we threatened Russia and China with nuclear weapons; we said that we would fire the missiles and if the two countries surrendered we would terminate the missiles in midair. Our country had no interest in firing nuclear missiles so they shot off missiles that in all senses would look and act like a nuclear missiles. Midair Russia and China surrendered and we blew up the fake missile and we had won. I'm so despondent. You began really well. It was captivating to read. But then you made it into a story that lost its lusture. I know you're trying to keep to a certain style here, but I think you should read it aloud to see how it sounds. But this world war You've capitalized it up there, so you have to here. Continuation. is a different story completely. America is in a losing battle everywhere. But enough with the history lesson. Not needed. Doesn't add anything, only takes away.

Many years ago before the Fifth World War scientists were in their lab coats experimenting with the Serum. The Serum is a chemical that is supposed to boost a persons muscle strength, running speed, thinking ability, balance, swimming abilities, you name it its in the serum. Once the Serum was finished they tested it on living people, most of these people lived around 12 hours before every muscle in their body got so big that their body just couldn’t handle it and they exploded. I have heard of this type of thing happening in the year 2007, a man named Greg Valentino he took steroids, the original and completely unsafe version of the Serum. lowut. Firstly, don't use real people in a fictional work unless it's highly beneficial to your plot. Secondly, while I get you're trying to say it's a better version of steroids, you could just outright say that the Serum was originally a mutated strain of steroids. Also, I don't know what the world would be like in 3120, but I'm sure animal testing is still mandatory before human testing is allowed.It took around two more years for the scientists to develop me; they figured that if my body could develop with my muscles I could handle it. So the solution was to inject me with the Serum before I was born the scientists decided it was 50/50 for my survival. They wanted to inject a pregnant human but they knew that it would be impossible to inject the baby without injecting, and killing the mother first.

The government already knew how to clone and although it was illegal they were powerful enough to do it anyways after little thought they decided to clone me . . . "anyways". . . Unless this is a monologue or a diary entry, a writer shouldn't resort to "anyways" to get a story, or a sentence moving.. They took DNA from every American Olympics team member and started to mix it all together. From then on I felt as though these athletes were part of me, I was honored to have a part of every great athlete inside of me pushing me to do greater things. 9 Generally numbers below 100 are written as numbers, ie, nine. Also, do your research. Can DNA be mixed? Do you know what DNA stands for? months later I was ready to be born, the scientists merely opened up the top of the artificial womb and pulled me out as if I was a fish being taken out of an aquarium. Now here I am 14 years later training for the Olympics. The Olympics is the reason I am here, the reason I have been training all these years, the reason for all the scientists hard work. America has to gain its international relations back especially during this World War. The government decided the best way to do that was to win the Olympics, that’s why they designed me. I am the strongest, the smartest, and the fastest person that ever existed on this Earth. Wait. . . what? And here I was thinking that the government was designing a warrior to do battle on ground zero. Why in the *world* would the Olympics prove *anything*?

Today is the first day of the Olympics; the walk of nations is a nervous and sad event, for all players know that there is a different battle between them then just the battle of baseball. After all of the ceremonial events are completed we get a good nights sleep. We wake up bright and early tomorrow morning and begin the sports. I win everything with ease, vaulting, Archery, Swimming, Diving Capitalization not necessary they all go down without me even having to catch my breath. My muscles and mind have been designed to never feel tired. My favorite sport was diving, the magical feeling of air passing along my body and then suddenly, abruptly, I felt not air but water. They day wore on slowly I felt no pity for the other players and I regretted the games where I had to purposely lose to make the other teams think that I was not a cheating clone but just an incredible athlete. I looked up at the scientists who had raised me who had been my parents and my friends through my whole life. I happily completed the last game of the day before finally retiring. I have already won 6 gold medals and am going for a seventh. This same routine goes on every day for three days I have won 15 gold medals by myself.

On the fourth day we have another vaulting match, I pick the longest vaulting stick I can find, knowing that I could easily clear over the stand. All my other competitors barely make it. I smile to the crowd, take my run, push up into the air, when I feel something strange at the top most height of my pole I lose something its as if the strength inside of my has gone away and I just can’t push the pole the right way. I feel the pole falling out from under me. I am in the air flailing as I fall to the ground. I hit the grass hard losing my breath. The medics attend to me and find that I am not seriously hurt, no big surprise I was designed to be indestructible. But still as I stood on that stand wearing a bronze metal something in side of me was destroyed. I jumped off the stand into the field and feeling frustrated grabbed a handful of grass. I looked into the audience and saw the scientists that had raised me looking down at me disapprovingly. I sighed and walked off the field heading toward the players rooms. I was walking down the corridor when I felt something incredibly heavy in my hand. Surprised I dropped it immediately. I watched in horror as a handful of grass floated to the ground. I stood astonished for a moment before trying to pick up the grass. I stood struggling as I felt the heavy weight of the grass in my hand.

I dropped the grass again, this had to be some trick, something a tired bodies' mind would make up to make you feel more tired than you actually are. I hurried to my room and struggling slid my entry card into my hotel door the weight of the card seemed impossible to carry but somehow I made it into my room. I ran to the bathroom and tried to lift the handle on the faucet but I couldn’t. Weeping I ran to my bed and lay on it. With my last amount of strength I lifted the TV remote and switched on some low budget soap opera. I turned it on loud trying to drain out the terrible feeling I had in my gut. I fell asleep saying to myself, “It will all be better tomorrow, it will all be better tomorrow”. This just gets weirder and weirder. It doesn't matter if the Serum gave you the muscles. Muscles work regardless of anything else. This doesn't make sense.

When I woke up I was being held down by cement, I panicked thinking that I was kidnapped and in a strange prison. But then tilting my head forward I saw that all that was holding me down was my sheets. I was so weak I couldn’t even lift my sheets. Tying hard I rolled over and over again until I fell off the bed onto the floor. Luckily I turned in midair and landed sitting down otherwise I would have never gotten up. I stood up, my legs felt like they were breaking under the weight of my body. I walked shakily over to my mirror and tried to make a muscle with my fist, I saw nothing. Then I noticed something strange, I thought I saw a small bald spot in my hair. I ran my fingers through my hair trying to find it, and watched in horror as every hair on my head came raining down. I let out I high-pitched scream and fell to the floor, a minute later some medics came running into my room. Happy t o know someone could take care of me I closed my eyes and everything went black.

I woke up on a stretcher flying through whitewashed corridors. I glanced to my side and saw my reflection in a window. I looked sad, shriveled, and dying, I wanted to cry but it took too much out of me. I was rushed into a hospital room where doctors and scientists conversed over me. I was too weak and brain dead to hear all they were saying but I heard some words: “Aftereffects...Serum...No...Yes... No Idea”, “Number 2’s...process...completed...soon”. As I died I thought in horror that I was not the only one. The government had made more of me. I was only the first.


Okay. Decent start. But. I don't think it should involve the Olympics. Seriously. Couldn't Number One be just training on the field? Testing his/her strength, and then fail? The Olympics don't have to be in this at all. Neither does anything about the War. None of that needs to be in here.

This is what the first bit would look like with all the unnecessary information cut out. I mean, Number One doesn't even need to know any of that. The scientists wouldn't tell their experiment that he/she was an experiment. You'd be born into that world without knowing anything. Just doing what they wanted you to do.


"My name is Number One, which is because I am the first; I am the first and the only one. No one knows about me besides the makers of the Serum. I am not supposed to be known about for if I was I would be immediately terminated. The Serum is a chemical that is supposed to boost a persons muscle strength, running speed, thinking ability, balance, swimming abilities, you name it its in the serum. Once the Serum was finished they tested it on living people, most of these people lived around 12 hours before every muscle in their body got so big that their body just couldn’t handle it and they exploded. I have heard of this type of thing happening in the year 2007, a man named Greg Valentino he took steroids, the original and completely unsafe version of the Serum. It took around two more years for the scientists to develop me; they figured that if my body could develop with my muscles I could handle it. So the solution was to inject me with the Serum before I was born the scientists decided it was 50/50 for my survival. They wanted to inject a pregnant human but they knew that it would be impossible to inject the baby without injecting, and killing the mother first.

The government already knew how to clone and although it was illegal they were powerful enough to do it anyways after little thought they decided to clone me. 9 months later I was ready to be born, the scientists merely opened up the top of the artificial womb and pulled me out as if I was a fish being taken out of an aquarium. I am the strongest, the smartest, and the fastest person that ever existed on this Earth. [color=#FF0000]At least that is what they've told me.
The year is 3120 as I know it."

Of course you'd clean it up, make it run smoother. But that's my opinion. Hope at least some of it is useful :)

Have a great weekend.

-JaI
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.
  








We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.
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