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Hunter Games (Ch. 1; pt. 1)



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Tue Nov 24, 2009 2:33 am
EmiSukotto16 says...



Chapter 1

The pound of feet sounded through the night, following the light footfalls and quick breathing of their quarry. Their shouts filled the silence of the forest.

With feline agility, the hunted leapt, grabbing hold of a thick branch, and swung her self into the boughs of a tree. A long black tail slashed the air and sharp, white, claw-like nails dug into the wood of the tree limb. Ebony skin rippled over lean muscle with every move the hunted made. Pointed, elfish ears listened to the thundering pack of bounty hunters, and a fierce smile spread to reveal sharp canines. Bright eyes, the color of refined silver, fixed on the men as they crashed through the undergrowth. Even in the dark of the forest she could see every detail of the men, from their night-vision goggles to the sweaty grime that glistened on their skin. There were five of them, and each carried a large gun. The al looked to be fully automatic weapons, stocked with upgraded plasma shots; judging by the bright green lights that glowed on the sides of the magazines.

The hunted reached back, pulling a shining silver pistol from its holster on a thick black belt around her scarcely clad hips. She’d had just enough time to grab her gun-belt and escape when the hunters ambushed her camp. Bonnus, the hunting group’s leader, was getting a lot quicker at tracking her recently. She had been drying her freshly washed clothes when they attacked, having just washed the sweat and dirt from the last encounter from the cloth. Something had made Bonnus eager to capture her and fast, and it had to have something to do with her head price. Her smile disappeared behind an irritated frown.
The group of men ran right under her perch. Pressing a small button on the side of her pistol, the hunted turned as small red lights began to glow along the barrel of her gun. She aimed and fired off three shots.

A trio of bright red lights burst from the pistol and hit their marks. Three of the hunters went down in a heap. Bonnus and the remaining crew member ducked behind a pair of trees on either side of their path. A hailstorm of green lights rushed toward the hunted. She leapt from the branch, landing roughly in the thick undergrowth. She rolled right as another storm of plasma raced towards her.

She crouched and padded, stealthily, into the thicker growth. She stopped and aimed carefully, closing one eye and lining it up with the sight. She waited, still as a statue for one second, two, three, four… The crewman poked his head out quickly, and the hunted let off a single shot of red light.

Bonnus cursed loudly as his final crewman flew into the underbrush. He let out an exasperated grunt; she’d taken out his entire crew.

“Damn, Umardan.” Bonnus grumbled.

The hunted carefully pulled herself into the branches of a nearby tree and gingerly walked the thick limb to the next tree. She snaked around the trunk and jumped a short distance to the tree that served as Bonnus’s hiding spot. She then climbed, silently, back to the ground on the opposite side of the trunk from Bonnus and snuck around the edge until she could see the very tip of his nose.

“What’s wrong, Bon?” She whispered into his ear. A shout of alarm ripped from his throat and he whirled, gun at the ready. The press of cold metal went to his forehead before he brought the weapon around. His gun was then forced out to the side and torn from his grip. “It’s seems like you’re getting more incentive to catch me. What’s my price?”
Bonnus scoffed and said nothing.

She pressed the pistol harder to his forehead and pressed a button. There was a small whir from inside the gun and blue lights came to life along the barrel.

“What’s my price? I need to know just how much money the Hunter Games are going to make off of you.”

“As if you want to kill me. With that opportunity you had back on Trennok, you could have killed me and then some. But no, you used stunners. So lie and say you’ll kill me.”

“You’re getting too comfortable, Bon. And the fact that you tailed me here so quickly makes my trigger finger twitch.”

“Upset we interrupted you while you were doing your laundry?” He glanced down at her scant clothing.

She pressed the gun harder to his skull. “Too comfortable, Bonnus.” Then, she twisted her wrist and brought the butt of the gun crashing into his temple. She sighed when he went limp and hit the ground. He was right; she didn’t want to kill him. He was the only hunter that had ever put a barrel to her head. She found him challenging. Not to mention, his reputation made him valuable. He’d become somewhat of a celebrity in the Hunter Games and the Triverse. If she killed him, her bounty would skyrocket and every hunter and their grandmother would be after her. She wouldn’t even have time to pee before she was getting shot at.

She left Bonnus and his crew lying in the undergrowth and made her way back to her campsite. Voices alerted her to the presence of two more hunters as she reached the glade where she’d set up camp. She slowed and readied her pistol. Someone had stoked her fire, and set flame to her clothes. She gritted her teeth and took aim as the hunters walked towards the fire. She fired off two shots, catching both of them in their backs. She emerged from the tree line as they hit the ground. She started past the hunters, but a glow caught her eye. One of the hunters held a “wanted” sign and her face peered out of the screen. She bent down and pulled it from his fingers.

With a glance at the other hunter, she noticed he had an interesting sniper rifle across his back. She smiled when she recognized the model. It was Marksmen 80, the newest on the market.

“What luck,” She purred and pulled the gun off the stunned man. She figured he was supposed to be in a tree waiting on her if she came back. Bonnus had done a horrible job of recruiting.

With a sigh, she stood and turned her attention to the “wanted” sign. She tapped the screen and her stats came up.

Name: Kaali Umoro
Age: 64 yrs. Wt: 67 kg
Ht: 175 cm
Charges: 36 counts homicide, 4 counts assassination, 33 counts grand theft, 18 counts grand theft auto, 52 counts petty theft, (Read more)

The stats were written in human measurements. Kaali chuckled at the “Read more” link, and then drug her fingertip across the screen. Her price page followed it.

“Malich!” She cursed. “18 million omnicurrens?”

No wonder Bonnus was so quick to track her. Add another zero to the end of that number and that’s how much her head was in human currency. She could’ve shut down the Hunter Games by killing Bonnus with that price.

“How did I…?” She walked farther into the glade and absently slid a finger through the air as she stared at the price. A light beep came from the air near her finger, and then a low hum filled the glade. A second later a small space cruiser melted into view. Kaali looked up and typed in a series of symbols on a keypad as she thought. Someone had added 17 million to her bounty in the past month. No way Bonnus’s crew had fetched that much of a price; maybe 150 grand, but not seventeen million. And the cruiser was 180 thousand fresh off the lot. Neither of her crimes added up to that much, so it wasn’t the Triverse police putting the price out; it had to be a private party.

When she dialed in the last symbol, a loud hiss, accompanied with a higher pitched hum, sounded from the round belly of the cruiser. A ramp lowered itself to the ground, and Kaali entered the ship. She let the ramp back up before opening several storage compartments, looking for clothes the vehicle’s previous owner might have left. Nothing. They must not have traveled very often. She’d have to stop somewhere and snag some new clothes.

She walked to the front of the ship and dropped into the pilot seat. Who could have possibly put 17 million on her head? She was sure the Hunter Games network had info on it. But she had no way of getting into it. The Hunter Games were open only to players with designated computers. She’d have to find a player and take their computer. However, the Games were an underground group, so finding a player would be a challenge in itself.
With a sigh, she leaned back in the chair. She looked over to the opposite side of the ship and noticed a small computer sticking out from under the copilot seat. She’d just stolen this ship three days ago, and hadn’t quite explored it all. She slid from her seat and crouched, pulling the device from its hiding spot. An intricate design labeled the back with the letters “HG” engraved on it.

“Well, what do you know?” She whispered, pulling herself back into the pilot seat. “It’s my lucky day.” Judging by the symbols and finesse of the design, the owner was a fairly top ranked player.

She tapped the screen and a sign in screen came up. The username was already filled in, but she’d have to figure out the password. She thought back to her brother who had told her the basics of computer hacking.

“The best method is to look at the username,” He’d said. “If the user doesn’t expect to get hacked, they usually have a password that’s related to their username somehow.”
Kaali hoped the person she’d stolen the cruiser from wasn’t cautious with their Hunter Games computer. She looked at the username: “YarkonianMistress785”. It was a woman’s computer. She tried to think what she could pull from the name. After a few tries, the main menu screen popped up.

Her face was posted at the top of the page with her price under it. Next to it was Bonnus’s picture with the number of criminals he’d bagged. Kaali raised her eyebrows at the number. He’d caught almost five hundred in his time as a hunter. Kaali clicked on the link to Bonnus’s stats page and she let out a low whistle as she read the names of his catches. He’d caught a good number of the galaxy’s biggest bad boys. She’d only known about one of his big catches, but he’d caught about twenty of the Triverse’s top hundred most wanted criminals.

She returned to the main menu and clicked on the “Recent Bounties” link. Her new bounty was there, but it was labeled ‘Anonymous’.

“Great.” She grumbled, closing the computer and tossing it into the copilot seat. What was she going to do now? Unless she went straight to Hunter Games or Triverse Police headquarters, she’d never be able to figure out who placed that bounty and she needed to get that off her head. If she let it stick, hunters more crafty than Bonnus would be after her, including those from the other galaxies.

Of her two choices, Hunter Games HQ was her only real option. She wasn’t going to prance into police headquarters and survive. She was far too noticeable, being the only Umardan in the Triverse. Though she was just as popular in the Hunter Games, they were made up of techno-bums instead of heavily armed policemen.

She reached over and grabbed up the computer. She couldn’t go back and force YarkonianMistress785 to take her to the headquarters, the police had more than likely been notified to her theft. So, she searched the network for players in the solar system she was in. There weren’t many to choose from, and they were all low-ranked. So she expanded her search to nearby solar systems. Of the ones she found, the highest ranked player was named “Celionom” on Ach Minal, a Holy Planet in the next system.

“A holy man,” she murmured. “How interesting.”
Llama 1:"Shh! Do you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness."
Llama 2:"That's the sound of people drowning, Carl!"
Llama 1:"That is what forgiveness sounds like; screaming and then silence."
  





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Tue Nov 24, 2009 3:23 am
Griffinkeeper says...



Some comments:

1. Silver pistol. Silver isn't common in guns for a very good reason: silver tarnishes fairly easily. Shiny weapons are also a great way to get someone's attention, something she would probably avoid if at all possible. Only gun collectors and two-bit criminals would carry something so obnoxious.

2. Sniper rifle. When it comes to bounty hunting, bounty hunters are very specialized. This sniper rifle is the sort of weapon that only a professional would purchase and use. A professional sniper wouldn't have a weapon like that across his back, he would make full use of it. Indeed, it wouldn't be a bad plan to have him wait in hiding, just in case the hunted did come to the ship. It would be an insurance plan.

3. The bounty hunters. When it comes to bounty hunters, these guys aren't really all that great. In fact, they are terrible. Having dealt with this target before, they would probably not enter an environment where she would be able to take them out, one by one. They would attempt to flush her into a kill zone.

It's a simple plan. Position the sniper on the opposite side of the forest. Arrange the other bounty hunters on the other side. Then light the forest on fire. You would have the ship stay airborne, so that if the target tried to escape, you could know where the target was going. If it's armed, it could take out the target, if not, it can land on the target. The target would probably run away from the flames, straight towards the sniper. Bam.

I think the bounty hunters would be more formidable if their plan almost worked. Her skill and no small amount of luck keeps her alive in the face of her methodical hunters, instead of the utter blundering of one of the best bounty hunters alive.
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Tue Nov 24, 2009 4:55 am
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EmiSukotto16 says...



Thanks alot! That was the exact kind of critique I was looking for. This is my first sci-fi, and I've been looking for some quality tips on how to make it better.
Llama 1:"Shh! Do you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness."
Llama 2:"That's the sound of people drowning, Carl!"
Llama 1:"That is what forgiveness sounds like; screaming and then silence."
  





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Mon Nov 30, 2009 2:18 pm
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Smilykid says...



I really liked this story. It gives a futuristic twist on the ever-popular multi-race aspect of stories. But yes, I agree with Griffinkeeper that if her bounty is so high and they've been chasing her for a while, don't you think they would know some of her tactics by now? Obviously she is not human. So, I would like to see how that effects her and her emotions. Right now all we really know about her is that she is a criminal and she's murdered many people. Also, explain how she got to this point in time. How did she turn to this life of crime? Is it her being not human or the emotional status of all sentient life in the galaxies? I'd like to see more character development and how she got where she is. But I really enjoyed your story and look forward to seeing how the character progresses and how she overcomes the obstacles she faces.

-Smilykid :D
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." -Albert Einstein
  





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Tue Dec 01, 2009 9:25 pm
MaresAzulados says...



This is very interesting, though I'd read a book that was something like your piece. At first, I was lost, but then everything seemed to fit. Something that caught my attention was the way you made the conversations--I really liked it. There were some spelling errors, but who doesn't make ones...


Keep on writing! Hope to hear more from you...
Scipio: Do you know what happens here after dark? Things little eyes should never, ever see.
Bo: We're not scared.
Scipio: Not scared? Well, aren't you the little tiger? RAWR!
  





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Sun Dec 06, 2009 4:55 pm
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Suzuhara says...



Hi there, I'm Suzu. Here are my thoughts:

1.) The pounding of feet sounded through the night, following the light footfalls and quick breathing of their quarry. Their shouts filled the silence of the forest.

[I always stress that the first sentence of the first chapter should have a very good hook or else the reader wont' be interested in reading on. Your use of their is an example of using pronouns in a confusing manner. There are two parties in this sentence: the hunter and the prey. Which one is shouting? The sentence is quite ambiguous that it makes want to turn away, but I won't cause I'm reviewing ;).]

2.)
With feline agility, the hunted leapt, grabbing hold of a thick branch, and swung her self into the boughs of a tree.
[If you started with this sentence, now I would be interested in reading. This is a really nice hook! I suggest you dump the first sentence before this and start with the hunted.]


3.)
They all looked to be fully automatic weapons, stocked with upgraded plasma shots; judging by the bright green lights that glowed on the sides of the magazines.


4.)
The hunted reached back, pulling a shining silver pistol from its holster on a thick black belt around her scarcely clad hips.
[Just say it was painted silver so you can still keep such a cool color for a gun.]

5.)
The hunted [prey? Don't always use the same words, it creates an echo in the text] carefully pulled herself into the branches of a nearby tree and gingerly walked the thick limb to the next tree.She snaked around the trunk and jumped a short distance to the tree that served as Bonnus’s hiding spot. She then climbed, silently, back to the ground on the opposite side of the trunk from Bonnus and snuck around the edge until she could see the very tip of his nose
.
[There's a lot of action in this paragraph and if you want that action to read quickly with tension, try using shorter sentence; it speeds up the pace. Shorter paragraphs quicken the tension and pace of any action scene as well.]

6.)
She left Bonnus and his crew lying in the undergrowth and made her way back to her campsite.
[I think you should at least mention that she knocked them out first because if she just walked away, they would chase after her. It's logical.]


[Hey Emi, this was a really interesting read; after the first few sentence, it caught my attention and kept me reading through the end. Kaali is such a cool female character, esp because she kicks butt. Anyway, I suggest you try reducing all the information that comes up toward the end; try not to overwhelm the reader with it or else they'll find somewhat boring. Aside from that, I look forward to more!]
With tears in my eyes and blood in my hands, I pull through and conquer my fears. ~Zackaria Kato

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The continuation of our world depends more on the survival of the kindest than it does on the survival of the fittest.
— Arcticus