Young Writers Society

Okay so this is a first for me in writing science fiction. So I don't know how it will turn out.... I'll just right the beginning and if you guys like it let me know so I can write like chapters.
Ps. please read my other story(Red Meadow) no one has read it and I really want to see what you guys think. Thanks!



It's the year 2045. My birthday just past. But this year is not the year where I get one year older, it's the year where the world is set under a horrible disease that has just started spreading at an alarming rate. Millions are dead. Thousands are in the process of dieing. And only a few hundred are still alive...
I am one of those few hundred. Me and my family are trying to escape the disease before it gets us. There are a few rules to surviving:
1. You must wear masks and cloves at all time
2. If you find someone who is sick... do not help
3. If you come in contact with the disease... you are dead
and 4. Those who are in the process of dieing... are the worst.
I'm running away with my husband Mark, my daughter Iris, and my sister, Charlotte. I'm only 23 and my daughter is only 5. I know I'm a young mother, but Iris is a gift form god. And I hope to keep her alive for her whole life.
No one has lived longer that a few hours with the disease in their system. They say the ones who are infected and still alive are hungry for human flesh. Their eyes grow yellow due to the bacteria eating their body away. Their skin turns a dark grey as if their bodies are bitten by frost. They move in incredibly slow or fast speeds depending on how much the disease has eaten them up.
If you see a human who is trying to survive the disease... get away form them as fast as possible. Run.
You can start telling someone is sick by how they start growing yellow bumps on their skin. They start to throw up blood and breath in slow and wheezy breaths. We're in the car driving over the border of America to Canada as I speak. Mark is driving with Charlotte sitting beside him. Mark's green eyes are no longer that sparkling shine they had before all this. His brown hair almost seems dull and white. His brown skin is turning clammy due to the stress and cold.
Charlotte's spun gold hair is now hanging around her face in twisted knots. It now looks like a hay stack. Her golden brown eyes are still beautiful and full of hope. She's the only reason we still run and hide. That's why I need her. To survive.
My little baby Iris has a light brown hair. She got her curls from me and the colour from her daddy. Her sharp blue eyes are the same dark blue as mine. Her small head is pressed against my lap as she snores silently. I stroke her hair and hummed quietly as the sky grew dark.
"Callie honey" Mark called my name.
I looked up from our daughter's face to look at his eyes. He had stopped the car. "It's you're turn to drive" He whispered.
I nodded and slowly pulled Iris's head away form my lap. Mark and I got out of the car at the same time. Our Honda Fit was small enough for all of us and would keep us safe. Mark and I met up by the drivers seat. He pulled me into his arms and tears suddenly pooled in my eyes. "I love you Callie" He promised me.
I nodded and lifted my head to kiss him sweetly. I heard a small cracking noise on the road and turned to look. A hunched figure was shuffling over to our car. "Help me" It croaked.
My world froze. "He's infected" Mark hissed.
I pulled away from him and charged into the seat. "What is it mommy?" I heard Iris's voice from the back.
"Nothing honey" I lied to her.
She rubbed her eyes and I turned my attention to the road. Charlotte was still fast asleep as I turned on the engine. "Kill him" Mark's voice was suddenly dangerous.
I turned to look at him. He nodded and put his hands over Iris's eyes. I slammed my foot on the petal and realized that the stranger was only a few feet away from the car. I screamed as I hit him and he went flying behind us. I stopped the car and breathed hard. I heard nothing and was about to start the car when a hand slammed on my back windshield. I heard Iris scream and my world went white.

Hey there, Sara! Welcome to YWS! I'm June, and I'm going to be your critic for the moment.

I usually don't do nitpicks, but there are some places here where I want to point some grammar, mechanics, and usage errors out, as well as spelling and punctuation. Here we go:

It's the year 2045. My birthday just past. But this year is not the year where I get one year older, it's the year where the world is set under a horrible disease that has just started spreading at an alarming rate. Millions are dead. Thousands are in the process of dieing. And only a few hundred are still alive...

- So! As I often say, all writing starts out as a first drafts, and first drafts can always swallow improvement. I think this passage should be reworded, for a few reasons

1. For flow. The flow of this is disrupted by awkward sentencing, dear. I think you can improve this by combining sentences and checking your language for fluency.

2. For clarity. We can grab the gist of ideas, but I think you should organize these a bit better so that you eliminate the possibility of confusion for your audience.

3. For wording. Keep this in mind as you write anything. Words are what your audience is eating; don't keep feeding them the same thing over and over. Variate your words so that we don't get bored.


- past should be passed. Past refers to what happened in the past, as in yesterday, I ate a sandwhich. Passed means that something just went by.

- dieing should be dying.

+

I am one of those few hundred. Me and my family are trying to escape the disease before it gets us. There are a few rules to surviving:
1. You must wear masks and cloves at all time
2. If you find someone who is sick... do not help
3. If you come in contact with the disease... you are dead
and 4. Those who are in the process of dieing... are the worst.

- I don't really enjoy this bullet listing. It's a little tedious to read through-- just paragraph it. If she was reading from a survival guide, this would be entirely fine, but since she's just narrating this to us, it's a little boring.

- cloves!? Oh dear, who could wear cloves? I think you mean gloves, yes? And, on the end of that sentence, time should be times.

- Elipsises are unfun things. (...) is not what you want to have your audience mulling over, dearie, so avoid the usage of ellipses as much as possible. Instead, use commas to indicate pauses.

I'm running away with my husband Mark, my daughter Iris, and my sister, Charlotte. I'm only 23 and my daughter is only 5. I know I'm a young mother, but Iris is a gift form god. And I hope to keep her alive for her whole life.

- Form should be from.

- Okay, uh. I don't mean to sound rude, but, really, if someone is alive, then it's their life. If they are dead, then it's no longer thier life. You have to be alive for your whole life, you know? When you die, you're dead.

-

The next few paragraphs are a little overly info-dumpy. By this, I mean that you're giving us too much information at once in a blase way. All of these details could be acquired by us in a much more subtle way, dear. Instead of clustering them all together in one paragraph, straighten them out and drop these like clues throughout your story.

-

"Callie honey" Mark called my name.

- Put a comma after the Y in honey; Treat dialogue as a simple sentence; the comma is just seperating the clause. Keep this in mind as you revise, dear.

*

So!

There are a lot of scattered details. You're telling us facts about your characters, but they're kind of mixed up. I mistook Iris for Charlotte and Charlotte for the narrator. It's a little confusing! But with some editing and proofreading, I'm sure you can fix it all up perfectly.

Keep an eye on punctuation. Use commas when necessary. Use commas before closing a dialogue tag unless it's a full sentence whereas you would use a period. If it's a question, use a question mark.

Organize your ideas, too. Keep us in one direction. Don't backtrack us to fill in another detail you forgot in a previous paragraph.

Overall, I think you have a good start for a good story. I like the ending; nice cliffhanger there, Sara.

Good luck writing! Thank you for the read.

June

Hmm zombies... I like.

Well this seems interisting. I like the living dead and viruses but had to say first when I read I thouhgt you were fighting vampires. Jus t with the word cloves in it which I now know to be a spelling mistake.

It's kinda short and didn't give much info but thats ok.
The main problem I had with it is just how fast and simple it went. I don't like journal like stories much and I always try to go with third person but if it's your wat then go on with it.

So I enjoyed it and hope for the next chapters. Zombies are awesome.

And only a few hundred are still alive...

Thus the human race will be extinct very soon. I believe my understanding of a sustainable population for an entire race has to be about 50000? That's what I know at least. So unless you planned the extinction, I would leave the number of surviving humans out of it. Also give us a bit of a timeline. When you have stated that millions are dead, say something like, "Since the virus originated in 'enter a year', it has spread over the whole world, killing millions." It helps by giving us a feeling of how fast this virus works on humans and how quick it really is.

It's the year 2045. My birthday just past. But

For helping the flow, join these sentences with a bit of rewording thrown in for good measure.

There are a few rules to surviving:
1. You must wear masks and cloves at all time
2. If you find someone who is sick... do not help
3. If you come in contact with the disease... you are dead

I have an idea for this part that I think will give you a couple extra paragraphs. Take away this section but keep it in your mind. Then I want you to create a scene where the Main Character and his family are say going through examples. Instead of making in plainly obvious to the reader, make scenes where the family spots a sick old man trying to drag himself toward them and lifting a weak hand up for help. They then tighten the straps on their masks, pull up their gloves a bit further and with a great strain on their feelings of humanity, begin to walk away.

This will give a much better description to the reader and could make them more interested. It also highlights every point made in your 'survival list', but gives it a feel that the reader can understand, as far as horrifying the reader in how this poor old sick man is treated in this new virus laden world. He is someone to be ignored, survival of the fittest takes a greater meaning.

I understand how viruses infecting the world and killing most of the popualtion of Earth can be seen as now cliche, but if you put a good enough spin on this it could work in your favour. Make it unique to you.

Not bad for a first effort, but there is some work to be done, so get to it!

This was a very gripping and nice story.

I liked the way it was told through the voices of the survivor's.The horrid description of the disease was handled very well and displayed with a lot of imagery and graphic gore,which was very good.

The suspense and horror towards the end also had an amazing effect.

Keep up the good work.

thanks for the feedback guys I really need it

sara13 wrote:Okay so this is a first for me in writing science fiction. So I don't know how it will turn out.... I'll just right the beginning and if you guys like it let me know so I can write like chapters.



It's the year 2045. My birthday just past. But this year is not the year where I get one year older, it's the year where the world is set under a horrible disease that has just started spreading at an alarming rate. Millions are dead. Thousands are in the process of dying. And only a few hundred are still alive...
I am one of those few hundred. Me and my family are trying to escape the disease before it gets us. There are a few rules to surviving:
1. You must wear masks and cloves at all time
2. If you find someone who is sick... do not help
3. If you come in contact with the disease... you are dead
and 4. Those who are in the process of dieing... are the worst.
I'm running away with my husband Mark, my daughter Iris, and my sister, Charlotte. I'm only 23 and my daughter is only 5. I know I'm a young mother, but Iris is a gift from god. And I hope to keep her alive for her whole life.
No one has lived longer that a few hours with the disease in their system. They say the ones who are infected and still alive are hungry for human flesh. Their eyes grow yellow due to the bacteria eating their body away. Their skin turns a dark grey as if their bodies are bitten by frost. They move in incredibly slow or fast speeds depending on how much the disease has eaten them up.
If you see a human who is trying to survive the disease... get away form them as fast as possible. Run.
You can start telling someone is sick by how they start growing yellow bumps on their skin. They start to throw up blood and breath in slow and wheezy breaths. We're in the car driving over the border of America to Canada as I speak. Mark is driving with Charlotte sitting beside him. Mark's green eyes are no longer that sparkling shine they had before all this. His brown hair almost seems dull and white. His brown skin is turning clammy due to the stress and cold.
Charlotte's spun gold hair is now hanging around her face in twisted knots. It now looks like a hay stack. Her golden brown eyes are still beautiful and full of hope. She's the only reason we still run and hide. That's why I need her. To survive.
My little baby Iris has a light brown hair. She got her curls from me and the colour from her daddy. Her sharp blue eyes are the same dark blue as mine. Her small head is pressed against my lap as she snores silently. I stroke her hair and hummed quietly as the sky grew dark.
"Callie honey" Mark called my name.
I looked up from our daughter's face to look at his eyes. He had stopped the car. "It's your turn to drive," he whispered.
I nodded and slowly pulled Iris's head away form my lap. Mark and I got out of the car at the same time. Our Honda Fit was small enough for all of us and would keep us safe. Mark and I met up by the drivers seat. He pulled me into his arms and tears suddenly pooled in my eyes. "I love you Callie," he promised me.
I nodded and lifted my head to kiss him sweetly. I heard a small cracking noise on the road and turned to look. A hunched figure was shuffling over to our car. "Help me" It croaked.
My world froze. "He's infected," Mark hissed.
I pulled away from him and charged into the seat. "What is it mommy?" I heard Iris's voice from the back.
"Nothing honey" I lied to her.
She rubbed her eyes and I turned my attention to the road. Charlotte was still fast asleep as I turned on the engine. "Kill him" Mark's voice was suddenly dangerous.
I turned to look at him. He nodded and put his hands over Iris's eyes. I slammed my foot on the petal and realized that the stranger was only a few feet away from the car. I screamed as I hit him and he went flying behind us. I stopped the car and breathed hard. I heard nothing and was about to start the car when a hand slammed on my back windshield. I heard Iris scream and my world went white.

Hi Sara! I just wanted to to say that you have a really cool story going on here and your main character seems like an interesting person to follow. Nice job there! My advice for you concerns the beginning. It reads like a summary instead of a story. You info-dump which is telling the reader everything that's going on in the world of your MC. The best way to start a chapter is to have your MC in the middle of something. I suggest your start here instead:

"Callie, honey," Mark said.
I looked up from our daughter's face to look at his eyes. He had stopped the car. "It's your turn to drive," he whispered.
I nodded and slowly pulled Iris's head away form my lap. Mark and I got out of the car at the same time. Our Honda Fit was small enough for all of us and would keep us safe. Mark and I met up by the driver's seat. He pulled me into his arms and tears suddenly pooled in my eyes. "I love you Callie," he promised me.
I nodded and lifted my head to kiss him sweetly. I heard a small cracking noise on the road and turned to look. A hunched figure was shuffling over to our car. "Help me," it croaked.
My world froze. "He's infected," Mark hissed.
I pulled away from him and charged into the seat. "What is it mommy?" I heard Iris's voice from the back.
"Nothing honey," I lied to her.
She rubbed her eyes and I turned my attention to the road. Charlotte was still fast asleep as I turned on the engine. "Kill him" Mark's voice was suddenly dangerous.
I turned to look at him. He nodded and put his hands over Iris's eyes. I slammed my foot on the petal and realized that the stranger was only a few feet away from the car. I screamed as I hit him and he went flying behind us. I stopped the car and breathed hard. I heard nothing and was about to start the car when a hand slammed on my back windshield. I heard Iris scream and my world went white.

You don't need to set the stage of the world so early. You can weave in all that information by showing or letting it happen. In other words, let the story happen, don't constrict it by pushing your presence as the storyteller. Hope this was helpful!

You have made a good start to what good be a succesful story. There are many films and stories about super virus' affecting the world and wiping out a large percentage of the population. The question is, is it right to try and cram a brand new original story into a stuffed category or attempt to pull off a new way of telling the story and hope for the best?
You are fairly descriptive but in a bit of a rush.

I turned to look at him. He nodded and put his hands over Iris's eyes. I slammed the foot on the petal and realized the stranger was only a few feet away from the car. I screamed as I hit him and he went flying behind us. I stopped the car and breathed hard. I heard nothing and was about to start the car when a hand slammed on my back windshield. I heard Iris scream and my world went white.

By the sound of it, this woman is a caring woman and I understamnd her need to protect her family, but surely she would be reluctant to kill another human. This could be stretched out to suggest her emotional turmoil.
You also make several spelling mistakes such as:

Past
Dieing
Cloves

I urge you to use the spelling checker. That's what its for!
Beside all that it is a good start!
Good luck.
Calmal.

This reminds me strongly of all the zombie games and films EG Left 4 Dead and I am legend. I like the entire essence of survival but I didn’t feel much of it here try adding more of that in if you can. Also how about putting a little bit about how the character felt when she had run over the infected guy

All the best.