Young Writers Society

Secret
by Maiya Hawkins

Azaria
It has always been rumored that eyes are the window to a person’s soul and at last they have broken the seal. In the year 2017, scientist Jonathan Bryce created a strand of genes. It could alter the body’s normal function to express its personality and features. It forced the brain to display its inner morality in the iris. However his beginning experimentation was a failure. His theory was that the only way the genes could successfully fuse with a persons DNA, was it would have to be injected into the egg of a female but only after extracted the genes that would conflict.

The first woman tested suffered 13 miscarriages in various stages and at last a stillborn. Dr. Bryce dissected what he thought of as purely an experiment until its remains were inhumanly mangled and disposed of. The gene had in fact fused with the baby’s DNA but he found several other conflicting genes that disallowed for his creation to manifest. The second woman experimented stayed healthily pregnant for five months before membrane complications occurred. The baby and mothers blood was mixed and the baby was miscarried. The woman not long after developed a vicious case of Ocular Melanoma and died.

But Dr. Bryce was relentless and tricked another contestant into his maddened science arena. She had been begging for a successful pregnancy. Bryce accomplished it for her. The woman stayed healthy and pregnant for all nine months and gave birth to a baby girl. After the normal checks, shots and several hours of sleep. She opened her eyes for just a moment and Dr. Bryce got the first glimpse of his creation. Before him, peaking from under the lid of a sleepy newborn, he was instantly drowned in a sea of color and shapes. Now even in her unspoken age, all he needed was to decipher the cryptic beauty and he would know all there was to know of her; if she was a leader or a fool, with natural intelligence or incompetent, a keeper of promises or a liar. In one look she could reveal the future of a killer or an angel. And it was in that moment that the first Secret died and the first Visionary was born; her name was Azaria.

I see you're a new member! Welcome to YWS! Don't forget to post your two reviews before you move on to add anymore of your writing. I'm here to critique your first piece posted!

______________

However his beginning experimentation was a failure.

However should have a comma afterwards.

The first woman tested suffered 13 miscarriages in various stages and at last a stillborn.

This is probably just me, but I would use the number's word instead of the actual number. It makes it look better, in my eyes anyways.

The second woman experimented stayed healthily pregnant for five months before membrane complications occurred. The baby and mothers blood was mixed and the baby was miscarried.

Mother's should have an apostrophe, just like I just put it XD

She had been begging for a successful pregnancy. Bryce accomplished it for her.

I would put this sentence like this: She had been begging for a successful pregnancy and Bryce accomplished it for her. See? It looks better.

____________

That's all I found. This is really like this so far, it's something different . I am so keeping up with your story! You really pulled in all together at the end, giving part of the meaning of the title along with it. I loved it. Keep writing this, I hope to see more!

I agree that this is different, and though the idea is a little confusing, at least it's original. However, I don't really like the style here. I think you need to make this a bit more intimate, or just slow it down - because of the detatchment we have as readers from this piece, it feels too fast for me.

But Dr Bryce was relentless

This was the phrase that threw me. "Relentless" is such a strong word, which I associated with ruthlessness, tyranny, cruelty, violence... and yet you manage to rattle it off very quickly and without much meaning. Maybe this was your goal, but it doesn't wash well with me. This reads like the voiceover at the beginning of a film - see X-Men - but that's when the words work with pictures to give us that extra something that the facts themselves don't.

Having said all that, I love your idea, so please keep at it. I just hope you bear what I say in mind - if you want your narrative to reflect that of a scientific journal, I think this needs a bit more tweaking and perhaps a perspective, rather than just an omniscient narrator. Dr Bryce's notes, maybe? Just a suggestion.

Jetpack, you're exactly right. This is a rough draft and all, though I've written about 7 chapters more than this. I have fallen in love with the concept I just have a horrible problem with character development. I know what I feel when I'm writing it, and I know what I want the audience to feel when reading it, but I have a hard time getting it across. I tend to write very blatantly and purely factual.
This is almost the introduction really and the rest of the book does have a narrator thats apart of the story, but I like you're idea of Dr. Bryce's notes. I might change this whole thing into that. Getting a sneak peek into a 'mad' scientists private notes is certainly more intriguing than hearing about them.
Also you hit the nail on the head the the movie. I see everything happening in my head like a movie but it doesn't hit the paper like a book.
Anyhu! I appreciate the advice dearly and hope you would like to see my revisions. Thank you!

I agree with Jetpack that the idea would come across really well as journal entries. After all, the entire thing comes across very much like personal thoughts anyway, going from purely scientific to almost awed at his creation.

The idea itself sounds really cool, even if the prose seems a little distant. I'd like to see where this is going and see how it turns out after you edit it (since you mentioned this is a rough draft).