Young Writers Society

Sunlight streamed through the curtains like golden beams. Dirrella’s eyes fluttered open while the light slowly trickled across her face, with a sigh she swung her legs around and got out of bed. Another day, another duty she thought. Padding with a downstairs, she headed for the kitchen.

Dirrella sat at the silver table with a bowl of cereal. A holographic screen hovered in front of her quietly reporting the daily schedule. “You have a council meeting at twelve and your schedule is free past then” It murmured. Washing up her dishes, she headed up stairs for a shower.

After her shower she padded to her cosy room, and over to the dressing chambers. She tapped the digital screen on the wall and it hummed to life. She removed her towel and stepped in side the circular room. “Good morning Miss Razeal” It stated before the sensors hummed to life, sweeping over her near perfect body. Dirrella tapped at another screen and her wardrobe options popped up on a 3D screen. She flicked through rotating outfits till she found one that looked nice.

She stepped out of the dressing chamber wearing a white jacket with a black top underneath and her favourite jeans. She grabbed her bottomless backpack and filled it with all her stuff. Grabbing her E-pass, she strolled out the door.

Dirrella stood outside the elevator waiting for it to appear. Finally the doors beeped and she stepped in to the small silver box. “Please, insert your E-pass,” said a pleasant female voice. Dirrella pulled out the silver clearance pass and slid it into the waiting slot. The lift began to shoot downwards. It pulled to a halt and her pass slid out again she took it and jumped out before the lift shot back up again.

I didn't see any mistakes but, I'm just wondering what the word padded means because, you seemed to use the word a lot. Also, I would advice using her name more often rather than saying "she" all the time. It kinda gets boring.
I look forward to the next segment of it!

-Smilykid

Hello Wizkid! I'm here to review!

Dirrella’s eyes fluttered open while the light slowly trickled across her face, with a sigh she swung her legs around and got out of bed.

I think it should be:

Dirrella’s eyes fluttered open while the light slowly trickled across her face; with a sigh she swung her legs around and got out of bed.

But I'm not so sure. xD

Another day, another duty she thought.

Another day, another duty, she thought.

Padding with a downstairs, she headed for the kitchen.

Padding downstairs, she headed for the kitchen.

“You have a council meeting at twelve and your schedule is free past then” It murmured.

"You have a council meeting at twelve and your schedule is free past then," it murmured.

“Good morning Miss Razeal” It stated before the sensors hummed to life, sweeping over her near perfect body.

"Good morning, Miss Razeal," it stated before the sensors hummed to life, sweeping over her near perfect body.

Finally the doors beeped and she stepped in to the small silver box.

Finally, the doors beeped and she stepped into the small silver box.


Okay, remember this: dialogue should be in a new paragraph.

OVERALL:

Pros: You've made it clear this is science fiction and you communicated this to us quickly, which is a good thing. (I don't seem to be able to do that. xD) It seems to be a life dominated by machinery. It's not dystopia-ish though, it's more...sleek.

Cons: Description is scarce, and this isn't really hooking.

Story: Not much of a story here. I don't know what the book is about, I have no idea what the personality of the MC is and I'm pretty much left in the dark. But maybe that's because it's just starting.

Ok, you've got the start to a story... but I hope it's just the start:) Nothing much happened. Other than being set in the future, nothing reached out and grabbed the reader. It was just your average woman, waking up in the morning and getting ready for the average day. I think you should spice it up a little and at least add a few more paragraphs to this part and leave the reader with a cliff hanger, dying to read more, or at least perk their interest. Just a little thought from someone who kind of sucks at reviews but likes to read what other peoples brains tell them to write. So if you think this review was pathetic and worthless to you discard it from your mind and forget I ever made an attempt. (LOL I'm hungry and I'm acting weird so don't blame me personally.)
~Dakota


P.S. I just noted your age...I was also an avid writer at twelve even if my writing still hasn't improved much:) I wanted to say way to go! I thinks it's awesome when teens decide to write instead of doing... well other teenage stuff...

Here is my review

wizkid515 wrote:Sunlight streamed through the curtains like golden beams. Dirrella’s eyes fluttered open while the light slowly trickled across her face, with a sigh she swung her legs around and got out of bed. Another day, another duty she thought. Padding with a downstairs, she headed for the kitchen.

Dirrella sat at the silver table with a bowl of cereal. A holographic screen hovered in front of her quietly reporting the daily schedule. “You have a council meeting at twelve and your schedule is free past then” (I choose to put speach on a different paragraph, although if differs for your style) It murmured. Washing up her dishes, she headed up stairs for a shower.

After her shower she padded to her cosy room, and over to the dressing chambers. She tapped the digital screen on the wall and it hummed to life. She removed her towel and stepped in side the circular room. “Good morning Miss Razeal” (Same as before) It stated before the sensors hummed to life, sweeping over her near perfect body. Dirrella tapped at another screen and her wardrobe options popped up on a 3D screen. She flicked through rotating outfits till she found one that looked nice. (Choose a different word apart from nice)

She stepped out of the dressing chamber wearing a white jacket with a black top underneath and her favourite jeans. She grabbed her bottomless backpack and filled it with all her stuff. Grabbing her E-pass, she strolled out the door.

Dirrella stood outside the elevator waiting for it to appear. Finally the doors beeped and she stepped in to the small silver box. “Please, insert your E-pass,” said a pleasant female voice. Dirrella pulled out the silver clearance pass and slid it into the waiting slot. The lift began to shoot downwards. It pulled to a halt and her pass slid out again she took it and jumped out (Into a...........->PLEASE carry on the chapter and make it a bit longer, im really interested what the main room is that Dirrella is in!) before the lift shot back up again.

This is a brilliant first part of a chapter, but it would be nice to have some more details. LIKE which country she is in, what year this is, what exacly are her council duties that she obviously grows restless and tired of? Maybe you could go into more detail about the bedroom she is in, or the kitchen she enters. And PLEASE carry on and write the chapter at least a few more paragraphs! It would be great to see a second chapter, and please pm me when you do so i can review it

wizkid515 wrote:Sunlight streamed through the curtains like golden beams. Dirrella’s eyes fluttered open while the light slowly trickled across her face, with a sigh she swung her legs around and got out of bed. Another day, another duty she thought. Padding with a downstairs, she headed for the kitchen.

Padding with a downstairs I don't understand what it means. Padding as far as I know is objects that pad things. Hah. I can't describe words though I know what they mean.

wizkid515 wrote:Dirrella sat at the silver table with a bowl of cereal. A holographic screen hovered in front of her quietly reporting the daily schedule. “You have a council meeting at twelve and your schedule is free past then” It murmured. Washing up her dishes, she headed up stairs for a shower.

How big is the table? What kind of cereal is it? You should describe the surroundings a bit more. I do like the simple holographic screen. So helpful, yet holds a simplistic charm.

wizkid515 wrote:After her shower she padded to her cosy room, and over to the dressing chambers. She tapped the digital screen on the wall and it hummed to life. She removed her towel and stepped in side the circular room. “Good morning Miss Razeal” It stated before the sensors hummed to life, sweeping over her near perfect body. Dirrella tapped at another screen and her wardrobe options popped up on a 3D screen. She flicked through rotating outfits till she found one that looked nice.

Again with the padded. She strolled perhaps?

Whenever you have someone/something speak you put a tag after that. It muttered, it stated. You don't need to use the tags. By the way the thing speaks, or what it says the reader should just be able to assume.

wizkid515 wrote:She stepped out of the dressing chamber wearing a white jacket with a black top underneath and her favourite jeans. She grabbed her bottomless backpack and filled it with all her stuff. Grabbing her E-pass, she strolled out the door.

What do her favorite jeans look like. Be a bit more descriptive.

The bottomless backpack in my mind seems unlikely. If you can think of a way that it works then feel free to let me know. But until then I don't understand how it could work.

wizkid515 wrote:Dirrella stood outside the elevator waiting for it to appear. Finally the doors beeped and she stepped in to the small silver box. “Please, insert your E-pass,” said a pleasant female voice. Dirrella pulled out the silver clearance pass and slid it into the waiting slot. The lift began to shoot downwards. It pulled to a halt and her pass slid out again she took it and jumped out before the lift shot back up again.

When it pulled to a halt and slid out, I would put a period between that and She took it and jumped. But that is how I write. Don't let your sentences drag on so long. They lose their effect when they drag on.

Overall I like it.

Hey there. I'm The.Dreamwalker, here with a review.

From what I could see from this little bit, you weren't really trying to give us a jump starter to the story quite yet which could be a downfall being that the idea of the story should start showing and interesting the reader. It is not uncommon for us to here about the settings of the world of your character that way, persay, but it is a little early to be going into those things. Give us an idea of what we are reading before we go into the patterns of her life, or, at least give us a little something to get excited about. From what I can tell, there is very little excitment in her life.

What I did like about this was that you had a very nice vocabulary and your descriptions were a nice change too being as description is either forgotten or overdescribed to a point of info-dump.

Bring more plot in this and I'm sure you'll have a sure fire story .

~The.Dreamwalker

Aye, more plot please, this could go into any direction. Could even be on another planet no? No grammar comments form me, I've yet to make my peace with English grammar, waiting for the developement...

I liked the futuristic imagery you set in this and should keep focusing on using that.
But one thing i did have a problem with is that you didn't really build any personality or personal image to the main character. Have her get out of bed and glance at the mirror to see how she is looking that morning, or have her check the weather and describe breifly how she is feeling.
Also put your characters thoughts in ""
I did enjoy this and hope to see how the stroy flows from here.
Just some thoughts from your friendly neighbourhood reviewer.

A holographic screen hovered in front of her quietly reporting the daily schedule. “You have a council meeting at twelve and your schedule is free past then” It murmured.

Repetition: "schedule"

Washing up her dishes, she headed up stairs for a shower.

Typo: "upstairs"

After her shower she padded to her cosy room, and over to the dressing chambers.

Typo: "cozy"

“Good morning Miss Razeal” It stated before the sensors hummed to life, sweeping over her near perfect body. Dirrella tapped at another screen and her wardrobe options popped up on a 3D screen. She flicked through rotating outfits till she found one that looked nice.

I like this part a lot. The line "her near perfect body" gives plenty of room for the readers imagination, and I was thrilled to see it. I'd love to read more. PM me if you need anything.

Yes I liked it very well written. I don’t have the faintest idea what plot might spawn but I think you have something good in mind, and I think you should keep writing. However I think you could have given more back-story in this, or little hints to things.

All the best.

There are a few grammatical errors within this piece. Try to avoid repetition and replace it with different words i.e instead of using the characters name use "he/she" or "our hero". Please find other words than

padded

because it can mean a number of things. It could mean "padded his white jacket", "she padded along the hallway" or "it padded down her at a steady rate". Proof read your work frequently to typo's and use the spell checker to avoid silly selling mistakes. That is what it is there for.
You are making a decent start and I expect good things to evolve from this preliminary sketch.

"Sunlight streamed through the curtains like golden beams." Not 'like' golden beams. Sunlight IS golden beams. Like golden rivers? Sure! Golden spears? Wonderful! Or even if you just said 'golden beams of sunlight', it would work better than this.

There are a few places where two separate sentences or phrases should be separated by more than a comma.

"Padding with a downstairs" *pictures a girl padding along beside a staircase* With a downstairs what? Or is she just padding down stairs?

The whole 'Another day, another duty' thing made me feel like this girl is busy, but then I saw this: “You have a council meeting at twelve and your schedule is free past then" Nothing past noon? That's not very busy at all. If you're trying to give off the impression that she doesn't do much, leave it like this, but if you want it to seem like she has a lot of responsibility, I would add in some jobs, appointments, whatever. And if things need to happen later on where she can't go to all those things, just have her cancel them or blow them off.

"padded" You use this word twice. Although it is a nice, descriptive word, it's so distinctive that your reader will probably notice and find it a bit repetitive.

'her near perfect body'. Gag. Is this her opinion? Unless she's some android thing that's supposed to be known by everyone and everything as the ideal specimen of womanliness, CHANGE THIS LINE. Sorry, one of my pet peeves. Xp

"She grabbed her bottomless backpack and filled it with all her stuff." *pictures a girl shoving things into a backpack with a big hole in the bottom.* I understand what you mean, but maybe you should clarify so it doesn't sound as odd.

So, I've reached the end, and my conclusion is... The writing is fairly good, but nothing happens here. There's no action, no real conflict. The most we can tell is that she may or may not have responsibility that she doesn't like. Aside from that, she's just getting ready to leave the house, albeit with cool gadgetry, and she sounds more like a high school student leaving for school than someone on her way to a big, ominous, 'council meeting.'

Give us some action. And keep writing.

EDIT: Just realized this is really old. XD Well... Maybe you still wanted feedback on it, right?! 8D Perhaps it's time for a rewrite.